When I was young, my Sunday school teacher said that my prayers lacked genuine emotion. She told me to try praying with a blanket wrapped around myself and my eyes shut to imagine that God was there holding me.
I always wondered why God wouldn’t actually hold me. I still do.
And I know that I have a lot of expectations of God for someone who doesn’t believe in God but my hope has been so hard to let go of.
But if we are made in his image, why should anyone let their hopes get so high?
Do you know how to keep a stranger from crying?
Do you know how to mend the bullet shaped holes in your mother’s voice? Of course not.
Do you know how to end a war?
Do you know how to be content?
Do you know how to be happy?
I imagine that sometimes God gets unhappy.
If we are made in his image I can only hope that he continues to evolve as we do, allow his followers to evolve as the world around us does because I swear I will lose my **** if I see one LGBTQ+ youth commit suicide. If I see another woman get kicked out of her church for aborting the child she couldn’t afford to raise. If I see one more country start a war over what they believe; God, can you see?
You’re tearing us apart.
You’ve turned humanity into a human race.
You’ve turned our earth into a military base.
So please, God, give us something to trust. Give us your saving grace.

No one has ever made me feel the way that you do

I face every fear
That's come from my past
You make me believe
That my pain will not last

You don't start to judge me
After stories I tell
You see past my mistakes
And wrong words that I spill

Your eyes see right through me
Your analytical mind
Shows more of me
Than I could ever find

Comfortable laughter fills the air
Your eyes squint as you smile
I think I'd like to stay here
If only for a while

*jm

darling girl,
why do you cry yourself to sleep every night
praying for someone
to come along and give you love,
to stay up with you till three in the morning
and listen attentively
as you list off all of your
passions, worries, burdens
to be envious of your attention
to kiss your forehead
and hold you without judgement
to be there for you
when you feel alone
to assure you everything will be okay
and remind you
that every sunrise and crashing wave
is a chance to make things right

when I’m right here
waiting for you with open arms,
ready to replenish
every empty space in your heart
because although you’re imperfect
and you hate the way
your front tooth is slightly crooked

I see you perfectly

darling girl,
why haven’t you opened your eyes to realize
that I’ve been here for you
all along

i’m beginning to realize
that i go into a situation
thinking things
are going to go
a certain way,
and i get my hopes up
and i pray that everything
will go according to plan,
but then later on
it’s brought to my attention
that God didn’t put me
in that place
to be blessed,
but to bless
someone else

and i guess it can get
a little disappointing,
because i start to feel
a little empty-handed,
but it’s also comforting
knowing that God is using me
because He knows
i’m strong enough
to do His work

keep your mind
on a tight leash
because if you let
your thoughts wander
they may end up in the clouds
where your hopes
are in the perfect position
to tragically fall

all of the words
you speak
today and tomorrow
are in vain

for you do not wish
to throw rocks at my window,
you know very well
i am already on my doorstep
waiting for you

you love me in songs played
on tuesday afternoons,
gaps in conversation where
three words are meant to fill it
and faded journal entries
dated when time was blind

you’ve written disguised goodbyes
beneath my eyes
and subliminally (explicitly)
whispered (shouted)
to move on, move on, move on
each moment i’ve tried to draw you nearer,
you do your best to push me further away

but even from a distance,
you are still holding on

let me go
let me go
let me go

so i may finally
let go
of
you

i think you only loved me
when i was frail and broken.
am i no longer lovely
if all my hurt was spoken?

and if i bear no danger,
and give you no more hell
am i, to you, a stranger,
now that i'm fin'ly well?

i think you only loved me
because you thought me small.
i think you used to love me,
but now you never call.