hold me*
        he asked,

(but my hands
     were too
    full)

To the hopeful ones:
I am unavailable.
Emotionally.

I hope to be half as wonderful
As you see me to be.

My soul now needs a resting space, 

To escape from my internal storm. 

Your heart seems like the perfect place: 

Tender, soft, innocent and warm.

But I could never expect you to let me in,

For my soul is definitely not pure.

I have struggled completely between vice and sin,

Trapped in the viciousness of life’s allure.

But I see that you are different, the look is in your eyes.

Your scent is innocent, natural, and sweet.

Your calming presence is a break from the cracking of my skies.

A feeling of hope comes every time we meet.

Your existence alone inspired me to write this. 

Imagine what I could if we shared eternal bliss.

I think you said it my heart beats hard in my head the raw edges of the hole in my chest aches like fingers submerged in frozen wake. Single syllable that makes me weak in the knees . Single word that brings me to a harder place where my heart would bring me to the floor I would sob until I couldn't any more and I was lost in unrequited love locked in all my pain. My chest constricts head rolling over feelings mixed at the thought of feeling safe with my guard down with sharp syllable like that being thrown around. Did he just call me? No he didn't say..

I like this.
This freeing feeling.
Being away from you,
Has somehow let me,
Become new.

Now, I'm realizing,
That you were a crutch.
Enabling me,
My pain.

Because when there was a "we"
There wasn't..
It was you,
And me,
Two people,
Tangled in thorn bushes of distrust.

I'm not saying I didn't love you.
I'm not saying I don't now.
I'm just thinking,
Maybe it was leaning,
More towards infatuation.
Which led to strangulation.
Suffocation.
No breathing.
Wire ties, tied so tight,
They cut the skin,
And left us wounded,
Openly bleeding.

Maybe we were meant for seperation.
A trial, meant for error,
Maybe we were meant to hurt,
Feel the pain we caused eachother,
And learn,
Then make better choices based on the lesson,
And so on.

Maybe being together,
Taught us its better that we're apart.
And also, that after awhile,
The pain stops coming back,
And we learn to move on,
Like I'm finally starting to.
Because let's face it,
I said I was fine,
But I was practically dead for a while,
Faking a smile for your benefit,
And crying behind the comfort of closed doors.
Turning up the radio way too loud,
And screaming until my throat was raw.

Why do you think I wouldn't sing for you?
Even after I promised to.
Not only the nervousness,
But, also being scared that you'd notice,
Notice the difference in my voice,
When I try to hit the higher notes.
I've screamed myself sick so many times,
My voice has changed,
There's a certain aspect to it,
The over all raspy tone,
And it would have killed me for you to notice.

For the longest time,
I was so afraid of you peeling back the layers,
And seeing the reckless hatred for myself,
But now, I honestly don't care.
I will cry and scream, and just let it go from now on.
Because I can no longer live in hiding.
I'm done.
And not just hiding from you, either.
Everyone.

I will roll my sleeves up,
And take these ******* bracelets off.
I will no longer be ashamed of these marks I've created.
They do not define me.
I am not that girl anymore.
She was never me.
And I will never again become her.
You know why?
Because for the first time,
In a long time,
I'm ******* free.
All because of a little bit of seperation,
And mental disconnection.