I get stuck on one word and cannot finish my sentence until I have said CANNOT enough times that it feels like the word has settled on my tongue
The sound chases itself out over and over and over and  over and over and over and insert 'over and over' again
I rapidly flap my bare foot and thank the universe that I am breaking down down down down down down down down down down down down in my room room room not not outside

My body is quaking
I cannot calm the heart palpitations and I cannot stop MOVING MOVING MOVING MOVING
Repetition repetition repetition
They call it call it a TIC tic tic tic tic
I call it call it release
Call it impulse, call it screaming without screaming
Call it MY THROAT IS GOING TO TEAR OPEN IF I DON'T GET GET GET GET GET GET THESE WORDS OUT
I cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot stop stop moving
I will burst I know I will burst it will be messy
I'll keep keep keep rolling all over and kicking and fidgeting and repeating repeating repeating repeating repeating repeating myself
Call me a broken record call me anything you like
My thoughts are too loud to hear your voice anyway

Not everything happens for a reason but we happened and we fell apart and maybe that was for a reason because we collapsed into framework so maybe our fortress just wasn't strong enough
We built together with dreamlike lumber, the stars and childhood thrill keeping everything together but we are older now and the moonlight makes our eyes look glassy instead of glittering
I keep staring at this rubble and wishing I could run the halls again but they don't exist, all that's left is the foundation and maybe I'm scared of letting go and maybe I'm scared of losing this but we cannot keep this castle standing with rain water and sugar and whispers
I come back to this place waiting for some kind of miracle, for something to make this stronger so we could stand again but I think if we want to be princes in our high tower we're gonna have to plant some trees and get some wood and build
As much as the thought of Us makes me glimmer, it is not feasible to sustain ourselves on the simple wish to go back in time to when we tended to one another's fires
Back before we knew fire was not something to be played with
Back before we were burned

You taste cold
Like chlorine in pool water
When I lick the tears away from my lips
And press the heels of my palms into my eyes
In that darkness i can see
The way your curls fall over your shoulders
I don't understand it at first
Tears are warm
Oh, but you are so cold
Cold like the first snow in winter
The type of cold you're drawn to
Until you're chilled to the bone
Day after freezing day
Clutching your coat tighter around you
You're cold like Christmas morning
All twinkly music and twinkling lights
While the families are snowed in, buried inside
It feels so warm until you look out the window and see white
You're cold like New Years Eve
Complete with the fireworks and the noise
That I was so afraid of as a child
So I guess I really need to learn to trust my instincts
Before I catch something that kills me

you only clean your wounds
to see if they made the words you wanted them to
SELFISH
USELESS
TOXIC
LIAR
sprawled across your arm in mean print
in bright red letters
and have you ever gone that deep before?
and will they make you go back to the hospital?