I felt you slip from my grasp

As I scrambled to catch you


In between my fingers


But you moved too fast

And the current was too strong


So I let you be taken away


As all the things you said

Violently washed over me


And I was left alone


To think of all of you

Your gentle voice


Forever gone


Instead, replaced with

The sound of waves crashing


Beat back and pulled under


Until all I could taste was

The salt of you


Vile and unpleasant


I drowned that day

As a final goodbye


Escaped your lips.

There are two sides to me:

The one I present to the world,

And the other that I try to keep to myself.

 
The one who sings in the car

With the volume maxed out

And the other who screams at the top of her lungs

When she needs to quiet

All the thoughts running through her head


The one who can't stop laughing

With tears forming in her eyes

And the other whose hands shake uncontrollably

When she gets angry

Revealing to the world just how upset she is


The one who loves sunshine

With not a single cloud in sight

And the other who never wants to go out

When the act of just walking out the door is

Like pulling teeth


The one who talks your ear off

With meandering anecdotes

And the other who shuts down

When the idea of loneliness

Seems like the better option

 
The one who isn't embarrassed to smile

With her imperfect teeth

And the other who hides behind pursed lips

When she can't stand for anyone

To see any part of herself


The one who dances in her bedroom

With the moonlight filtered through the blinds

And the other who lays alone at night

When its too late and she's too tired

From crying for hours


There are two sides to me:

The one I want you to see

And the other that I hope you never do.

Tonight,
I watched you quietly again
But all these future memories
Kept projecting in my brain

We'd go to baseball games
And play footsie on top of the littered popcorn
Comfort would take over
Mending a wound we used to mourn

We'd eat breakfast in bed
And tumble on top of each other
Laughter would pierce through
Filling a void left by another

We'd see concerts at dusk
And dance under the twilight sky
Lightness would bloom
Where sorrow used to be disguised

We'd make love in the afternoon
And feel the weight of us two
Desire would burst through
Finally finding something that's true

We'd stay out late in the city
And kiss in the light pollution haze
Love would wash over us
Sticking where it never used to stay

But tonight,
You didn't even know my name
So I settled for a shy smile
From across the room as you looked my way.

Your love was a big lie

Full of promises

And crippled with shortcomings

Beaten down by pretty words

Shattered by desire



It felt warm to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was cold and unflinching

Only revealed to me

After everything was said and done



Your love was a heavy load

Weighing me down

And settling on my chest

Breaking every fragile rib

Until I could no longer breathe



It felt soft to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was sharp and treacherous

I only figured it out

After I was covered in blood



Your love was a fleeting moment

A breakneck affair

With no time to hesitate

You were here and then gone

Blowing my hair in your leftover wind



It felt lovely to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was ugly and vicious

Only discovering the truth

When it was too late



Your love was a big lie

A heavy load

A fleeting moment

A love that on the surface

Was warm, and soft, and lovely

But when I finally uncovered all your falsities

I couldn’t even stand to look at the man

I had fallen for.

We danced half-clothed in my bedroom
with a Beach House vinyl playing in the background.
The needle scratched the surface of its cold blackness
as we hovered just close enough
to feel the warmth of each other’s skin.

It spun around the center spindle
and grainy music poured out the speakers.
It filled the sunlit room with the most beautiful sounds
as I rested my head against you
and felt the strength of your arms around me.

Words were lost between us
as our hands did the talking
pressing each other closer with each verse.
The silence in the air filled with music
bursting with a chorus of love instead.

We moved together beat by beat
swaying back and forth to “On the Sea.”
Our feet taking the smallest steps to the side
as you cupped your hands under my jaw
and lifted my head so you could kiss me.

And in that moment,
everything that once was hazy and confusing
suddenly became crystal clear.
I realized that I had never felt more loved
than that one time we danced in my bedroom:
alone and half-clothed.

You could not contain her
But you loved her dreams
And how when she talked
They bloomed like flowers
Out of her pink mouth

You could not understand her
But you loved her mind
And how when she thought
The wheels in her head
Turned like gears in a clock

You could not tie her down
But you loved her mess
And how when she smiled
The frantic nature of her
Poured out like gasoline

You could not believe her
But you loved her honesty
And how when she laughed
It boomed across the room
And bounced around your brain

You could not hold her close
But you loved her body
And how when she touched you
Every bone shivered
And shook like thunder

But you could not love her
At least, not in the way she loved you
And when you looked at her
You knew it wouldn't last
So you hesitated
And watched her fall apart
With every small step back.