I have a feeling I won't be sleeping tonight

Sleeping means dreaming
And dreaming means remembering

You never realize how much you miss someone until you remember

Dreams bring memories of all the times we had
And sometimes, dreams even have the audacity to taunt me with the profound idea that I could be actually with you someday 
They make it seem so real, so easy, so within reach

As if. 

Dreams are temporary, they're nothing but lies
Illusions of a better life

Waking from dreams is inevitable
And waking means remembering
That I don't have you 

I need to stop chasing dreams that are so far out of reach

Mindless.
Everything we've had, to you,
It was mindless.
It meant nothing.
But you didn't bother to even mention how you felt,
I guess because you didn't feel anything at all.

Effortless.
Everything I felt and said, to you,
It was effortless.
I gave you everything until I was left with nothing.
I was too scared to mention how I felt, because I was afraid,
Afraid you wouldn't feel the same way at all.

Flawless.
Everything I saw in you,
It was flawless.
I fell in love with the way the corners of your eyes crinkled up when you smiled.
In love with the way you saw life, your humor,
The way you drove me wild.

Obvious.
All the warnings and red flags,
They were obvious.
But I was too stubborn to let you go until we were left with nothing.
Now, I find myself here, telling you how I feel, always a moment too late.


Happiness.
I am thankful for every moment spent with you,
It was pure happiness.
You taught me to be free and to find positivity in everything I could see.
I could never regret all that you gave to me.

Images.
All that's left now of us,
They are images.
But these memories, call me crazy, I wouldn't trade them for anything.
If they are all that I have left of you, at least I am left with something.
Even though truly what you left behind, in the end, amounted to nothing.



But oh well, I guess it was probably for the best.

Sometimes
I wonder what you’d say
Would you walk away
and let me follow in your wake
laughing about the feeling of your
rain that kisses the curves of your tan softened face the way I wish I could,
the very rain that seeps into the laugh lines of your eyes, the rain pools that cut outs of your smile
would you let me linger in the decadence of your sarcasm
would you let me sit next to you while you laugh
In that way you lazy way you do
when you
lay back against the wooden
bench
Or would you hold me close,
close enough to smell your aftershave
and let me see your broken nails
and torn calluses
close enough to feel your stubble on my cheek and feel your breath on my jaw
close enough to put my hands around your back and feel the scars that reside just out of my reach
Would you let me avoid telling
the truth to myself and shut me
up like a gull at night, so peaceful until it reaches the peak where night is no longer dark, and suddenly a cacophony of  screeching worse than the alarms on the traditional alarm clock
or would you let me fall
onto an open-ended, double edged
question
sharper than a thumbtack and twice as rusty
Do I even have the courage to tell
you?
Or am I a molotav cocktail
and waiting until smashed to
crash and burn
Would you even let me open my
metal mouth and let my tongue
carve waves into your soul and tear you up
so you feel half as bad as i do
alone.
Would you let me read your
texts?
and ask me why she was upset?
or would you even come near me
I open my mouth to tell you
“Hey! I need to say something!”
“Yeah?”
“Gimmie a hand?”
You said okay.
that wasnt what I wanted to ask
but
You said okay
and smiled
like an empty glass of expired wine.

I saw you
You looked as beautiful as usual
Draped in grey, it hugging your every curve
and covering your face
Only seeing your evergreen eyes when you kiss the tree line
and spread yourself on the ocean bed
Waiting for me to lie down and look at the moon on on a silver chain around your neck

I love you
I always will look at you like it was the first time
You had a heart that I once saw
and he poisoned you and you are slowly dying
I can see you getting worse you've lost the light in your eyes,
you're the vacancy sign that I identify by

I take solace in you
I used to at least, just like you I am getting worse
You are equally codependent
but you traded me for him
You let someone in
You let someone in
but you never told him our secrets did you?
That was why he never understood what we have
You were the bandage that clotted my bleed, but now you're the exit sign behind my picture frame

The only comfort I have is that he'll never love you as much as I do

But he cant hold you either