i fear
and long for
recognition
at the same
time

it's as we're not even in the same
world
even though we're sitting in the same
room
and breathing the same
air

i feel like i see
all the things that
you don't

i will always be the one
that is a little out of li
ne

i have this one plant
it's dying
and i don't know what to do about it
i watch it get worse
bit by bit
day by day
and it is as if i'm looking direct in a
mirror

i feel like i'm walking on
air
too bad that it's
toxic

i went for a walk in the
woods
and as i was walking
i looked around and saw
all the beautiful
trees

the most beautiful ones
were the ones that had
marks,
scars
and bumps
how very special they are
will forever amaze
me

i spent two years
looking up to you
admiring you
your work
your thoughts
your being

and then I got sick
i crumbled mentally
vanished bit by bit

i started doing stuff
that I wasn’t allowed to
i wanted to feel something
be something else than just a
grey matter
in a grey world

you disapproved
but you didn’t say anything
nothing
you almost let me
self destruct

and now that someone has
intervened
i am trying to make a
mence  
but you don’t care
you only see the few bad things
you forgot me
and us
you forgot that i
need you

you used to inspire me
and make me laugh
now all you ever do is
make me cry

i choose to play with words
altough they usually hurt
both good and bad
kind of like the father that i once had
this is my time to heal
and that i will not let him steal
he's now in the past
and that's how it and i
am going to last

through my eyes
you are black ink
on white paper

everyone else is
white ink
on white paper

i'm so very
very
tired
in which way
or of what
is for you to
guess

am i able to
love myself
and hate myself
at the same time?

when i tell people my age
that i have a depression
a lot of them tell me to
try and smoke
something a bit stronger
so i smoked joints
two days in a row
and the terrifying thing was
that i felt good

i feel so bad
and i don't know how to change it
i write
i say i'm sorry
i'm sorry for dissapointing you
please forgive me
please dont hate me
i can't continue this

i'm not gonna end my own life
but i'm thinking about it
i would never do so
putting that kind of weight on another soul
is a cruel act
that i could never do

i've dissapointed the people
that care about me the most
i've let them down
after all they've done for me
and now
i feel lost
out of breath
as if the earth has swallowed me
and trapped me in darkness

my heart is jet black
and it still beats for you

i want to feel your love
like rain falling down
but the only thing i'm feeling
is sadness
falling down as teardrops

i don't know what i want from you
i don't know what i want from myself
i just know
that i'm a certain type of way with you
i'm me
the best version of me

dear you
i wish i was beside you
the one to keep you warm at night
the one to give you comfort in life
and praise every single asepct of you
but i'm broken
and scared
my heart wants to come home
but it can't

my own reflection disgusts me
i wish i could change my body
and or
the way i view myself

if it was anyone but myself
i wouldn't care

my heart aches
for a love
that consumes me
my heart aches
for true recognition
and my heart aches
for my own acceptance

i would give up
the thrills of a
thousand lifetimes
just to be yours
for a single day

teary eyes
purple, orange, yellow
green, blue skin
a forced smile

after i posted a selfie
a boy from my small town wrote me
"were you always kind of sweet"
"you look good"
"come over ;)"
i answer
because i don't want to be rude
sadness and anxiety bubbles up inside of me
i hate this

right now
i'm not thinking of anything
particularly
i'm just letting my brain lead me
down a path
a path that i am writing down
for me and you
my eyes are getting teary
and i am wondering why
maybe it's just a sad world
and i'm a sad person
trying to keep myself busy
so that i won't think of nothing
because when i think of nothing
the darkness comes along

i'm gonna show you
maybe not today
but one day
i'll show you everything that
you lost
when you treated me
as if i was nothing
a stranger on the street
all this beauty
all this fire
will be spent on
someone else
and i hope your heart crumbles
when you see
everything that you
pushed away

they told me to take pills
so that i would get better
now i'm taking pills
and i'm only getting worse

i collect plants
i don't know why
they calm me
when i wake up in the morning
and the first thing i see is
life

i'm sick of this crush culture
where everyone wants to be in love with looks
and no one wants to be in love with personality

i see you
and feel nothing
i see you
and want to feel something

i always approach new people
everyone thinks i'm just that social
but i'm actually just scared of boredom

i can never think of something to write
when i feel like writing
but when i force myself
to look at my keyboard
thoughts stumble around
sentences are put together
and yet i do not understand all of them
but i write them down
for you
and for me
i hope that i will one day understand it all

my head feels so full
and so empty
at the same time
it feels like nothing
and everything
at the same time

he changed
and not for the better
i may have become
bitter
but it's only because i mourn
the person he once
was

you smell like
bad decisions
and cigarettes

tell me
how is it
that i feel like both a
paddling pool
and a raging ocean

if you choose to fall in love with me
please strip down my mind
and discover my most important parts
stripping down my clothes
would only make you
run

i wish we only saw souls
only heard the thoughts of the mind
fell in love with our eyes forever closed
and hands tied behind our backs

i unfolded my mind for
you
bit by bit
day by day
tore down walls
that had been built up
by pain and loss
you ignited a small flame
in my ever so grey heart
and then you left
leaving my heart at tease

the most beautiful part of me
is my mind
and soul
i'll tell you tales
of a broken girl
who rose from flames
but never show you
the naked body
the flames left standing