im a ******* for the pain you cause me.

since when was the world full of bright brilliant colors?
since when did sunsets cast shades of pink and purple in the sky?
since when did coffee dates involve strands of yellow sunlight shining through frosted windows?
since when did skatepark dates involve soft green grass and ruby red roses?
since when has this world not been monochromatic shades of grey?
because thats all i can see.
help me understand these colors of yours, i would like to experience the beauty.

my demons are screaming i think they might win
my heads under water and i cannot swim.
theres weights at my wrist, a buzz in my ears, my eyes are going hazy my limbs are going limp.

my actions are now dire for the sake of myself
"mom i need help"
i force out my mouth like a bullet from hell.
"honey youre okay. youre gonna be fine"
those words hit my heart like a bunch of knives"
"okay, thanks mom. i love you"
i say, whisking away the blank expression on my face.

but heres one thing i just couldnt say.

my demons are screaming i think they might win
my breathes are short like october wind.
they have become people, violent and strong.
putting weights on my shoulders so i must play along.

ive kicked them off once, but they keep coming back.
they have become real things and theres no turning back.
they hold my sparks in the palm of their hands,
i sometimes wonder if ill ever see it again.

my demons are screaming i think that they've won.
my spark has gone out,
and im totally numb.

i want someone to wrap me in the warmth of their arms.
i want someone to hold my heart in the palms of their hands and slowly heal me.
i want someone to take a look into my mind and try to understand my pain.

but the only reason i dont have that is because of me.
its my fault no one wants me

men in love with men,
women in love with women,
and enbys in love with enbys.
theres nothing more beautiful than innocent love.

ive always loved the sound snow makes.
the way the earth falls silent, the waves of my voice to you being soaked up by the freshly produced crystals.
the way it crunches beneath your feet, only to leave your shoes wet and cold.
ive always loved the cold, and the moments leading to it.
but the coldest month of the year for me was july.
but then august came around, and as the months have passed, your love for me has slowly melted the snow in my heart.

when you look at me every star explodes in perfect unison.

youre the sun to my moon.
you make me shine bright and gravitate around the ones i love.
you give me equilibrium.
youre the sun, and im merely just the moon.

sometimes i watch the stars cry,
i watch the clouds turn gray,
and the sun to blue.
sometimes i watch the world run cold.
the rivers run dry,
the oceans waves level out,
the lakes stop rippling.
the world stops, and it breaks my heart.

i hate seeing you in pain.

lay me down in the middle of a field, covered in primroses and lavender poppies.
let the sun wash me over and the clouds cover me gently.
allow the bugs and birds to sing me their simple songs.
cover me in the simplicity of nature till the sun falls.
i want to be one with the earth and live ever more.

i never thought someones breathing patterns would become music to my ears.
i never thought not hearing someones voice would put me in physical pain.
i never thought i would admire someone like i once admired the moon.
but ya know,
there came you.

so maybe i'm stupid, or maybe i'm dumb, but i'm starting to think maybe you like that i'm numb

we're all just broken people telling others how to heal their brokenness, while ignoring our very own advice.

when i look into your eyes i can tell im dulling down.
my edges are rounding,
my color is dimming,
im not as shiny.
im trying to be perfect,
but maybe im not perfect enough.

its been awhile since you've heard from me
                              
                                                  ive missed you.

its like we're stranger now, just walking around with each others secrets.
                                                i wish we werent.

maybe ill see you around sometime. we can get coffee if you want.

                                               i wont. but i can hope so

i miss you. come back to me.

                                              i love you.

*the number you have dialed is no longer in service.

why am i so sorry for myself?
why am i filled with pity?
i guess i finally realized the trauma has eaten its way at me.
but now all i am is filled with sorry feelings and pain.
why cant i think, why is this empathy weighting at me.
i cant continue to be sorry for myself.
but all i am is pity.