i uttered those three words.
gently, softly spoken.
it was 3 am and the only sound that drifted through the room was the rasp in my i's.
i remember you looking at me and smiling,
only to softly whisper them back to me.
thank you..
thank you for loving me.

i miss your hands.
i miss the way your fingertips trace their love into my hips.
i miss the way your hands wander all over me.
i miss the way your fingers feel on my tongue.
i miss your hands.
i miss how you hold me close.
i miss the way your fingers run through my hair.
i miss your hands in more way than one, but i long for every way just the same

i'm not very clever.
my mind does work at accelerated speed,
yet my mind races when you say something mean to me.

i'm not very gentle.
my hands aren't weary,
yet when you raise a hand to me suddenly they go limp.

i'm not very kind.
when you ask me a question ill tell you straight up. i don't sugarcoat things,
yet when you tell me to talk to you suddenly i do.

im not a pretender.
i don't act like someone else. i'm me and thats it,
yet everyone thinks i'm fine.

im not okay.
but i say i am,
so that means it's true, right?

what about the rest of this, was it true?

i feel sick.
i feel tired, and empty.
i feel my eyes moving in their sockets.
i feel the blood coursing through my veins.
i feel my lungs slowly filling.
i feel me.
i feel every piece of me.
im sick.
and im tired.
i dont want to feel.
why do i feel anyway?

im tired of waking up with tears streaming down my face.
im tired of the dull eyes,
im tired of the red rivers running through them.
im tried of crying.
i wish i could do something else, i wish the pain was easy to handle.
im so tired.
i wish i could go to sleep, maybe even never wake up.

i stare sometimes.
i take in the undefined beauty of the crowd around me.
i watch the way people gesture, the way their hands move nimbly.
i watch the people run, with every time their foot hits the ground their arms go up.
i watch people put in headphones and the way their body reacts, gently yet so strongly.  
i stare sometimes.
i find the way peoples rings fit on their hands electrifying.
i find the way peoples hands intertwine, so softly yet so intimate.
sometimes i stare,
and its not because im rude.
im just taking in the beauty of the world, and enjoying every second of it.

i can feel my body going limp,
my sight going foggy,
im getting colder.
my head is throbbing and my hands are shaking.
its so loud, im so tired.
its only 8:53

in another life i once stared into those kind eyes.
in this life i stare into them endlessly.
it's been you since the beginning of time.
and it'll be you till the end of it as well.

im falling
deeper and deeper
into this hole that is reality.

the walls are screaming
the falls are spinning
the trees are de-rooting.

im falling
deeper and deeper
into this broken conscious

but its okay, i wouldnt remember me either.

i write,
and i write,
and i write.
yet i can never find the words to put my pain into.
i can never seem to let my emotions flow through the tip of my pen.
though i would love to tell you guys my pain through beautiful metaphors and rhymes.
my pain is fathomless,
let alone someone i can write.

the force of your spirit resides in me.
the strength in your voice,
the weariness of your hands,
the spark within your eyes,
the red of your cheeks.
you linger on with me, through poems, and old stories.
youre in my soul kiddo.
i miss you the most.
ill see you soon

"ill always love you"
say it again my darling, that was a beautiful lie.

even with all these voices in my head,
im still lonely without you.

as we rekindle the fire that once burned within us
i can feel your warmth slowly reach my frost bitten fingertips
your light pulsating through my veins
i can feel the imprint of your lips against my neck
and your fingertips against my waist
i can feel the fire that burned within us both bringing us home each night,
to the hallways we stole secret stares at eachother
trying to fight the feelings that later took us over.