Mint gum,
Sweaty palms,
Holding hands,
Am I doing this wrong?

Easy laughs,
Your green eyes,
Flirting's hard
I feel like i'll die

5 months
And we're still lost
Our first kisses
Your lips are soft

I don't care where
Or how,
Or when,
Nor what,
Nor why
The question to me is who
The only variable of my first kiss
I care about is that the lips I kiss belong to you

It's impossible to know a person
Really, truly know them
Until you have a conversation at 2AM
Right before you fall asleep
The most human you can be,
There's no wrong or right
Just words filling the silence
Let me see your insecurities,
Your dreams,
Tell me things about you
That I wouldn't know
Remind me I'm not the only person
With problems and that
No one's exempt from suffering
I want to hear it all
Your heart and mind
There's no better time
For a lobotomy
No better time
To not be alone
I'm glad we got to philosophize
Because you don't really, truly
Know someone
Until you converse at 2AM
And it was a pleasure to meet
2AM you

There will come a day
When you think of me
And think about what was us
And you'll think,
"I sure dodged a bullet"
The day you think that,
Is the day I put one
Through my brain

So much depends upon
The strength of that boy
That gangling brown haired boy
Who may be skin and bone
But somehow manages
To carry around the weight of loving me
Every day
And to have my burdens and baggage
On his back
But I'm scared that someday
His strength will fail him
And he'll be crushed
And I'll have been the undoing
Of the one person
I never wanted to see hurt

So much depends upon
The patience of that boy
That boy who is usually go go go
But for some reason slows down
And waits for me to catch up
And can always tell when something's wrong
And always cares
And listens to me complain
But I'm scared that someday
His patience will have run dry
And he'll take off running on his own
Because I held him back

So much depends upon
The blindness of that boy
Who is the smartest person I know
But was stupid enough
To fall in love with me
And I know it's selfish of me
But I wouldn't mind
If his love was unending
But I'm scared that someday
His blindness will dissolve
And he'll realize he deserves better
And the only person holding me together
Will hate me
As much as I hate myself

Love is a game of cards
Which I play with hands that fumble
While others hide the hearts on their sleeves
I try to speak without it coming out jumbled
I've been dealt a better hand than most
But I have no idea how to play it
I don't even have an adequate poker face
And my cards fall when I attempt a trick

Love is a game of Monopoly
In which I have little to offer
In a world of Rockefeller's and Morgan's
I sit on the side like a wallflower
An infinite cycle of going round and round
And I'm perpetually trying to catch up
But everyone's so far ahead of me
And the whole affair is quite corrupt

Love is a game of chess
In which I will never win
My moves come slow and hesitant
And I am trusting and easy to convince
Playing on a board of black and white
Although the game itself is in shades of grey
Drive me into a corner and call checkmate
Capture my heart then leave and I will never be okay

Love is a game of tug of war
An equilibrium between our ebb and flow
Keep pulling until we're hanging on by but a single thread
While I debate if the glass half empty or full
I'll always be the one loving more
Even when I don't let it show
And I'll be the one who ends up hurt
When you inevitably decide to let go

Love is a night of games in a casino
In a city of temptation and sin
Seal your covenants with a kiss
Sell your soul to the devil with the handsome grin
Make a wish,
And roll the dice,
Remember every rose has its thorns
And when jealousy blossoms, you'll pay the price

Love is a game of Russian Roulette
Which we all play willingly
Just another character flaw,
A human vulnerability
It's no use trying to protect anyone
Luck can save you time and time again
But you can't escape the bullet forever,
And we're all just victims of love in the end

Love should come with a warning label
Telling us to look before we fall
Reminding us there might be no one to catch us
Before we risk it all
Love has many side effects
Not being able to think clearly,
Drawing hearts in notebooks,
An increase in insecurity
Love is an addicting drug
That should be used with caution
Love can mess with your health
It can make you obsessive and compulsive
The most dangerous think about love however
Is when you finally find your Romeo
You'll never know if his love is true
Or if you received a placebo

Monsters have to receive an invitation
Before coming inside
That's what I read in stories
But I never let you in my mind
You didn't come all at once
You came like a thief in the night
But you waited patiently
To start shutting off the lights
You manifested yourself
In comments my mother made
In that sinking feeling I felt
That cut me like a blade
Now that I think of it
You were always there
Reminding me of nights I cried
idontcareidontcareidontcare
You broke the rules
I never gave you an offering
But you didn't care
And now I'm housing all this suffering
I can't think straight
And all my walls are crumbling
It's permeable
And the rain keeps pouring
This sorrow is going to drown me
And I think I might just let it
In a place I can only hear my heart beating
Where I can't take any more hits
It's a truth I can no longer deny
As I'm swimming in this sea
I do not have depression
Depression has me

You are a star
Shining in the night sky
There's a burning in your chest
A supernova bursting behind your eyes
Full of life, full of love
I can't help but stop and stare
You help me find my way home
By just being there
You're the kind of beautiful
That makes me want to cry
All of the stars could make constellations
And you'd be brighter than them all combined
I am but a speck
Staring at you from below
But I feel a sense of hope
When I see you glow
You'll look down from up above
The whole earth as your view
You'll never know a tiny speck cries
Because I know I'll never be good enough for you

Philosophy club
I wish I could speak
Whenever I try to say something
It comes out as a small squeak

Philosophy club
When he looks at me I feel frightened
I really hope no one
Expects me to say something enlightened

Philosophy club
I'm really passionate on paper
But debating in real life
And my confidence starts to taper

Philosophy club
I'm obviously no Socrates
I could probably share my thoughts
If it weren't for my social anxiety

I'm so filled with self loathing
I have a problem believing
Anyone could love me
And then you happened
You, with your perfect grades,
And perfect family,
Perfect everything
It makes sense you'd want a perfect girlfriend
So why'd you settle for me?
Why am I next to you?
Me, the definition of average
It doesn't add up
Why is there an us?
Us, You and I
Perfect and average?
You're not a good liar
I can tell when you do
And it seems you're not lying
When you say "I love you"
I don't know what to think anymore
Because you've told me all the things
I never told myself
And I think I needed that
More than anything

I've never liked the expression
'Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will never hurt me."
I think it undermines the power of words
It's undeniable that words have an impact on people
Letters strung together can sting a person's soul
When they are spoken with a tongue used like a whip
Words evoke passion,
They inspire us,
Make our blood boil,
Horrify us,
And yes, they can hurt us
To say that words can't hurt,
Is to demean all that words do
Look at Marat,
Martin Luther,
Shakespeare,
Darwin,
Hobbes,
Freud,
Orwell,
Paine
And tell me words can't change the world
Words are what I turn to when I have nothing left
I'd rather my bones break,
That would be much better,
Than to lose my dignity,
To have a record of voices
Tell me I'm useless,
I'm stupid,
I'm fat,
I'm never good enough
Always on repeat,
Always on my mind,
Always ringing true
Maybe I'm over analytical
Maybe I care too much
About things said in the past
But here's to all the "I love you's"
All the "I hate you's"
To saying "I don't give a ****"
The pen is indeed mightier than the sword
Because your words
Are what made me turn the blade
On myself

When I'm with you, I understand
When you hug me, I have no doubt
I know you mean it when you hold my hand

But when I'm alone and self loathing takes over
And I think about all my insecurities
When I analyze myself in the mirror
I don't understand why you love me

I'm addicted to your hugs
Because our hearts are as close as they can be
And I swear my heart pumps blood
A little faster
When your arms are around me
And we are not two, but one

Late night Skype calls,
Already organized around our busy schedules
Because we both can't let our grades fall

And I think of the days when you were just one call away
No time difference between us
And I could see you any day

Tired eyes and caffeine
You promised me the future
So why is it that I only see you over a LCD?

I've got a million books piled besides me
I know I need an education
But do I really want a future without you next to me?

The rhythm of your footsteps in sync with mine
It's the sweetest sound I know
And I conjure up an image of our hands intertwined

It's an unspoken truth we both don't want to admit
Our calls are getting shorter
I can't believe you're the same Nick

Tears fall till none remain
I know if you could, you'd wipe them all away
And I hope when you cry, you know I would do the same

You're like a balloon
And if I let my guard down
You'll float away and I'll be alone
Honestly, the only thing worse
Than not having you
Is having you but feeling like I'm yours
But you're not mine
My jealousy will be our undoing
It's only a matter of time
Because love hurts
It's just a game of who gets it first
And we're playing Russian Roulette with our hearts
I'm so ******* paranoid that you're with girls that aren't me
And I know I have to leave you
Before you can leave me

She used to kneel before her bed every night
Praying to God
Make me beautiful,
Make me skinny
He didn't make her beautiful,
Or skinny
But he graced her with depression and anxiety
So she took matters into her own hands
And she now kneels in front of her porcelain throne
Hair in a messy bun, trying to keep quiet
And she prays
*Make me disappear,
Make me die

The more I talk to God,
The more I think he's not really listening
The more bad thoughts I have,
The more the ugly truth is leaving me wondering
The more I read the bible,
The more I realize I don't believe a word it says
The more I question,
The more secrets I can't confess
The more narrow minded my mother is,
The more she lets the light in so I can see
The more times I drink "the blood of Christ"
The more it feels like drinking the Kool Aid to me

To be loved by a writer
Is to be immortalized
You will live on forever in her writing
Your quirks,
Your ideas,
Your insecurities,
Writers notice everything
And we never forget
You might catch her smiling at you
For what seems like no reason at all
But she's just trying to describe
The exact color of your eyes

To be loved by a writer
Is to have your entire relationship in written word
All you have to do is read and re-live everything again
Your first kiss,
Your first fight,
Your first date
Nostalgic memories in chronological order
And you may even learn something you never knew
Since everything will be in her point of view

To be loved by a writer
Is to see her frustration
Because she wishes she could be an artist
Since no words serve you justice
She wishes she could just paint a picture
And then they would understand
Because no amount of words could perfectly depict
Your hair sticking up,
Your abundance of freckles,
You wearing glasses
She gets upset when she thinks
She'll never fully portray all the things you say and do
But she'll never run out of ways to say "I love you"

To be loved by a writer
Is to be eternal
And to never fully disappear
And no matter what, she'll see you everywhere
Even when she opens her mind and escapes reality
Because she is the writer
And you are her writing
For you own her heart
From which her words flow

She's just looking for attention
That has to be it, right?
Just a melodramatic girl
They ignore all the signs

She's just looking for attention
That's what they're all saying
It's funny how when it's all said and done
They'll cry that they didn't see it coming

She's just looking for attention
They yell "You shouldn't joke about suicide!"
She represses a bitter laugh and thinks
Too bad I won't see your reaction to the punchline

They say that love is blind
But unfortunately hate can make you blind
To a love that's right in front of you
Darling, untie the blindfold,
Open the curtains,
You're drowning so deep in your self loathing
You can't see how many people are jumping in after
Trying to save you from yourself

Roses are sprouting
The violets in bloom
The rain is falling hard
Just like I am for you

I'm so scared of the day when the future that I'm so terrified of
Is no longer the future

She reads
                                          And she sleeps
                                                      Way too much
                                                            ­           It's her coping defence
                                                                ­               When nothing else will suffice
                                                         ­               She needs to get away
                                                       Without actually leaving
                                             Because she's too scared
                                   And too tired
                                            To leave her bed
                                                      So she cracks open a book
                                                            ­     To escape somewhere far away
                                                            ­             And she'll sob for the characters
                                                      ­                       Whose brokenness resembles hers
                                                            ­                                   And then she'll sleep
                                                           ­                                   And have sweet dreams
                                                          ­              Of realities that are not her own
                                                       Because pretending is so much easier
                                                 Than facing reality
                             So she'll sleep and dream
          And secretly wish she won't wake up
So she can finally escape

They always roll their eyes and accuse us teenagers of falsely believing
We are immortal and nothing can hurt us
We know that what we are doing can **** us
*We're
          Just
                Too
                      ****
  ­                              Broken
                        ­                      To
                                        ­           Care

Yesterday wasn't the first time you said those three words
It's been twice now that you've mentioned the 'L' word
Once in a Christmas card,
And once you actually said it
Before leaving while I began tearing up
Choked by my feeling
And things I want to say
What was special about this time however
Was that I said it first
It's not the first time I used the word 'love' in relation to you
But I've only ever admitted I loved you in writing
Hidden away
To doubtful to say it outloud
I'm amazing at holding back
And letting moments pass me by
But you gave me faith enough to actually say those three words
Back to you

It wasn't the carnation that made my day,
Nor the 3 fluffy teddy bears I found in my locker,
Not the hershey kiss you offered me
Those were sweet gestures,
I'm not saying I didn't love them
But material items can't replace that feeling
When you wrapped me up in your arms
And held me close
And said the 3 words I would never forget
It was the first time in a long time someone told me they loved me
And I completely believed them
My heart was racing, my face was red
Nothing can replace feeling loved
I feel loved

The only way in which this love story is unrequited
Is that he loves her, but she hates herself

I remember that day in 7th grade
Back when you were still calling yourself Cassie
You were standing reserved and afraid
In gym class clad in shorts and words carved in your skin
That was the day I began to notice you

3 years later and we're best friends
Not much has changed except that you go by Nate now,
I still mess up pronouns sometimes,
Your body tells the tale of a war going on for years,
In that time
We've become a little bit wiser,
Hopefully a tad bit happier,
And your cuts go a little bit deeper

How dare you call yourself pro life
And then make me want to **** myself

How dare you say that you're a Christian
And then act with hatred and intolerance

How dare you tell your friends about your new diet plan
While I'm silently throwing up dinner upstairs

How dare you ignore and insult me
And then get angry at the fact that I'm withdrawn

How dare you tell me you love me
While my tears flow down my bruising cheek

How dare you destroy me on the inside
And wonder why I'm showing it on the outside

How dare you boast about my high grades
When you used to call me stupid when I was slow to learn

And how ******* dare you call yourself my mother
When you've become my worst enemy

When I think of you leaving
I see hundreds of scenarios
And dialogs speed through my brain
In some of them, you're as sad as I am that you're leaving
In some, you pack your bags with angry words
But in every single one
There's a final hug,
There's me breaking down,
And begging you to stay,
There's you actually going
And leaving me all alone
You can't just make me fall in love with you
And then say, "Goodbye."
There's me wondering if you're happier,
There's always my paranoia,
I always imagine you meeting a girl,
I imagine you forgetting my face,
And my laughter,
Until I'm but a stranger
And that new girl is all that runs in your mind
There's me sitting by a phone waiting for a call
That I'll never receive
I see me being lonely and depressed
Because you took my heart with you when you left

A few days ago you asked me about college
And I told you the future was a ******* hole I don't want to think about
You said "I like that metaphor, or analogy or whatever that would be called."
I said, "All I know if college is a way for me to get out."
You then told me you wanted to go somewhere all across the ******* country
All of the sudden a million scenarios of us saying goodbye flooded me
This is one instance where I'd prefer to hear the pretty lies
That you'll never leave
And that our love will never die
I'm not stupid and I know that one day,
The memories of me will be a thing of the past
But just thinking about it
Puts into perspective that this will never last