Love is to see the forest through the trees
And the mountains beyond
When the land is obscured by fog

To feel the presence of another
And to feel her desire

Love is to embrace the coldest winter nights
Empowered with faith the thaw will come
And spring will warm our hearts

To listen to the rain against your window
And know that everything is alright

A shift of winds
A change of seasons

A chill in the air
As darkness turns to white

Like fading to static

The joy in my heart
The smile on my face

Before it all ends
And fades to black once again

As I watch the weather change

Given time to think—
Time to breathe and to feel;
And to be; to see;

Time to know my place—
Not fear to face;
Nor fall from grace;

And without haste—
This life, I'll taste;
As I rise from the ashes
Of self-hate

Every day when the time has come
I walk to a door kept closed

Inside this room, a grand stage
As I enter, the lights dim
And I'm transported

To a world of fantasy and surrealism

A place where one may be entertained
Thrilled and excited, or frightened and harrowed
A Theater of Dreams

A theater free of charge
But where you'll never know what you'll get

On the stage plays the show
A show that even if I were to close my eyes
I'd never miss a second

A show about love and hate
Mania and depression, cyclicality and repetition

A show where the meaning may never be known

Perhaps recounting the events of the past
Or the mistakes you've made

Perhaps a portent of good fortune
Or an omen of ill fate

And just when one starts to find the meaning
The lights come on; the curtain falls
The show is over, and you're left
With more questions than answers

Was it a fantastic thriller?
Or a harrowing omen?
Was it a surreal experience?
Or a frightening vision?

The only certainty is that I find myself
Coming back again and again
Trying to see the same show
Trying to perceive new meaning

But every night, the cast is different
And the subject is unfamiliar
Yet the outcome is always the same
I do not know the meaning

And every day when the time has come
I walk to a door kept closed

To a world of fantasy and surrealism

That smile on your face; the glimmer in your eye
Not stricken by the hand of fate
Never wavering from its cause; its purpose

You bring me hope; promises of a better time
The inevitable summer sunrise
Leading us forward; Persephone our guide

The divine in me shines through your eyes
Lighting the path on my darkest nights
My mind stuck racing; fight or flight

Your hope brings me faith; brighter days will be
My wings are strong to carry our love
Ascension; rising high in the clouds above

Parting the clouds; sun beams shine through
Our path is now lit once more
And with these golden wings, I soar

I have a little black book
Inside are names
Names of those I know
Some I love
Some I onced loved
Some I came to despise
Every time I open the book
It makes me sad
Most of these names
I haven't spoken to in years
Some I barely remember
Sometimes I add new names
Not as often as I used to
And every time I do
A light shines inside
Before being extinguished
Once again
As I close my little black book
A little black book full of me

A love I cannot have;
But for the enjoyment of another—
And for what—

The torment

Torture;

Disappointment?

This isn't the first time—
No; We've been to this point
The breaking point;

Baited—

Trapped—

We fake a smile;
Though it tears us apart
We fake our love

She is not mine

A brilliant rose blooms once more
One once blackened by ichor
Now stained red with the blood of sacrifice
And scarred for life by a lifetime of hatred and sorrow
Pain and suffering

Though still it blooms again
Through the shadow of despair
The shroud of the darkest nights
Through the foot of snow burying it
A shallow grave though not deep enough

For it blooms and blooms again
And again, for all to see
In defiance to all who would see it dead
Rather than thriving as it does
Scarred and stained as it is, strong and enduring

The black rose blooms forevermore
Stained red with my blood and watered by tears
Thorned and hardy, ready to face once more
The harshest of freezes, or a wayward wanderer
Who wanted nothing more than to see it wilt

Bloom

Arms open, looking up
Taking in the world with each breath
Inhaling the toxicity and poison
But no less returning the gift of life
As I plant my feet firmly in the soil
Long devoid of all essence
Eroding away in the same winds
Which threaten to topple me
My purpose is to give
I act as a buffer
My voice goes unheard
And my legs are broken

And all I did was give the gift of life

Life isn't fair, some may say
Sometimes it just gets in the way

Life is neither fun nor fathomable
When toleration has an end

Dark holes and blind corners
Ready to give you a black eye

Life is strange in a demented way
The occasional muse might say

To me it is experience
Experience of both light and dark

Joy and ecstasy one moment
Pain and suffering in contrast

Tragedy abounds, yet we persist
I am strong; we are strong

I hate this duality; this entropic loop
Like I'm always jumping through hoops

C'est la vie, some might say
In a most demented way

Sanity shredded until there is no more
I am a shell of what once was

Yet we persist; we are strong
I move on and I conquer

Darkness within; it defines me
Defined but not controlled

Loss fades, I know and say
To become happy; I'm on my way
Dans la douleur, dans la souffrance, dans la vie

I drift away to lands of blight
A dream to come; I'm cursed with sight
Looking up, then left, then right
Midday sky; black as night

My mind aflutter; lost in a haze
A gentle cloud; of black and gray
Upon a hill of grass I lay
Under the black-as-void sky's gaze

I'm carried into the nightmare unbound
Knowing not if I'll ever be found
Farther and farther from the ground
It seems for now that I might drown

Although it resides within my head
It fills me still with fear and dread
A fear that I'll never shed
Even as I awake safe in bed

Memories—
Demons long forgotten yet haunt you still;
In the depths of your most sacred thoughts
They dwell inside; they wreak havoc unseen

Pain—
Those memories of fire immolate your mind;
Ablaze with fear and unrest when the world itself sleeps
And yet I cannot; lost in the firestorm of tribulation

Doubt—
It's not real; never was or so it seems, but still;
You second guess your every move in the eyes of demons
Eyes watching; cutting through the mists of aeons

Breathe—
But you can't; like the universe itself rests on your chest
It threatens to crush you into oblivion; into eternity
Into the icy wasteland of Time long forgotten

Choking—
Thoughts cloud your mind like toxic clouds of hate;
Suffocating you until you fall deeper still into their grasp
Falling into a sea of lost souls and torment

Drowning—
The sea swallows all it is fed, like fire given a haystack
The briney depths holds much more than one could fathom
This mind, however, holds far worse than these stormy seas

Memories—
Drowning in a sea of torment and misfortune; ice and loathing
Frozen in time by that which terrifies and traumatizes
Lost in a maze of distorted thoughts in an ill-fated mind

Flowing in a sea of aeons and landmines
Diving fathoms in lucid nightmares
One can only take so much torment
Before giving in

Isolated on an island of pain
Made to suffer at every turn
All existence is neither black nor white
Just blood red

Surrounded by eternity's omniscient torturer
Swallowed whole by her madness and fear
An eternal damnation most hellish
Yet divine

A soul lost to time; a life to the blade
No one to grieve for this loss
As there was nothing to lose
But indifference

Plunging through the inky depths of aeons
Sinking like a boulder tied 'round the neck
Dragged down into blackness
Neither grieved nor mourned

Just lost

Lost to eternity

Beside me but miles away it feels
She is still in my heart but I can't feel her spirit
Though this isn't the first time

I feel lost in this, and my guide is missing
I feel her touch, but it is fleeting and ethereal
I look in her eyes, not seeing those glistening pools anymore

She pulls my close and for a moment I feel her warmth
I feel her love and her care, her concern and her worry
But I'm still ice cold; freezing

I lay there beside her yet still lightyears away
My mind drifting away from me
I feel her but I can't see she's there for me

From day to day filled with gray
A dream portrayed
With silver lined clouds and fog to cut with a knife
Days of calm and nights filled with strife

A love lost and a love won
One to stay and one with sadness long gone
A new life to live and a new page turned
One in which my love has been returned

A dream in which I'm happy and yet still alive
One for us to thrive
A dream to soon come true
Through and through

She, like I, is a beauty to my wandering eye
Like a beautiful butterfly
And she is mine to cherish
And to hold forever; I wish

The storm raged—
A bitter wind blew; an icy chill in the air
Adrift in a sea of sorrows and misfortune;
Without direction; hope lost

Waves crash upon the deck—
We'd have sunk were it up to the sea;
A captain goes down with her ship;
But such an end was not in the cards

Lightning flashes; thunder claps—
Enough to frighten even the bravest;
Though still the captain fights;
Unfazed by calamity; her nerves steeled

Life on the line—
Alone in this calamity;
The elements waging war
Yet still standing strong

A fleeting image—
Another ship; adrift as she;
Lightning strikes; sails ablaze
But torrential rains soon extinguish the flames

Steering closer; an ephemeral voice—
Chilling to say the least;
The hair on her neck standing on end;
"Help—"

Closer still; danger be ******—
Echoes of the past;
A time long gone; forgotten;
"Save me—"

Onto the ship; a woman terrified—
Begging for help; deafened by thunder
Her hand extended as she weeps and sobs
"Take my hand—"

And so the captain does—
Lightning strikes again; familiarity disappears
From blinding light to dark of night;
Lured into the inky depths—

"Drown with me—"

Here I am, lost in thought
Enchanted by your gaze
And the emotions you've brought
Spellbound by your ways

I find myself staring
I look deep into your eyes
Magical pools of love staring back
Reminds me of summer nights

Your love finds me
Addicted to your presence
Emotions overwhelm me as I'm
Enchanted by you

To spend in death a life most precious
Eternally yours til undoing do us part
I am nothing without her warmth
Enough to rescue me from the brutal chill

She watches over me as I do her
We are one within the cosmos
Body and mind, spirit and soul
To walk this road together forever

Til undoing we stride gracefully
With sense of pride we live humbly
And through perseverance we thrive
Eternally, spiritually, but not for naught

We strive to thrive with basis in love
As love keeps us bound in all time
And with love comes understanding
Life won't last, though being we still are

Eternally yours, til undoing do us part

Swinging to and fro;
A delicate dance—
Locked in rhythmic patterns;
And asynchronous chaos

Entropy of the mind—
An internalized butterfly effect
In perpetual motion;
Perpetual motion sickness

Maddening to say the least
Is our dance of life—
Hand in hand with death;
Walking the line forevermore

It's a dance none can see—
A tango of the mind;
Our personal recital of life and death
Our swan song

Swaying to the symphony—
In familiar patterns in our minds;
Arrhythmic chaos external
Cessation within

A manifestation of grief—
A life lost; taken; nay, stolen
Patterns invisible
Swinging in the maelstrom of life

We stand strong through thick and thin;
Steeled for the future and what it may bring
But our foundations are frail and brittle;
And thus, the fat lady shall sing

Lost and found but never returned;
Mended and duct taped together--
Yet still riven deep within;
Sundered eternally; dust on no wind

Wind to bring the mightiest oaks to topple;
Zephyrs of times foretold--
Times of catharsis and of calm;
Catatonic like this still air

Air to breathe and to suffocate;
Drowning in an endless sky--
Rain, but to only turn grass to mud;
Prairie to swamp; earth to dust

Dust upon a picture frame;
Glass shattered but still whole--
An allegory for a light to shine bright;
Only to burn out in a cold eternal night

Night so frigid it cuts straight to the bone;
Brittle like a heart frozen over--
Arteries clogged with slush;
Slowing to a snail's pace; creeping

Creeping into my soul like the darkness;
Black as night and ichor; as a fractured mind--
One lost to time; fading as all does
Like petrichor on a steady wind

Wind gentle as a loving embrace;
Vicious like a stab in the back--
Or gruesome as one to the throat;
Cutting deep to spill the blood

Blood of life and of death;
Signalling the end of one's run--
The end of life and beginning of eternity;
Aeons to suffer through endlessly

Endlessly, eternally, cyclically;
Ebb and flow in the most macabre of senses--
Leaving nothing to chance;
For chance is an illusion of fate

Fate brings me here tonight;
Carries me through ups and downs--
Soaring heights, but still I fall;
Too close to the sun, perhaps

Perhaps this is not the end;
Almost certainly it won't be--
The cycle is not to be interrupted;
Though fate may not show its hand

Hand me a knife to cut these bonds;
Sever the sutures that hold this shattered soul--
Let it be a message to the gods;
I make my own path, I am my own fate--

Broken, though not beyond repair
The shards we are—
Those who chose to share
Who they are

"In time—"
I cut myself off, recalling
Yet another fragment—
Another moment given light to shine

They were me— are me
It's hard to explain sometimes—
Hard to comprehend
The Shards

Memory is fickle—
Fleeting and ephemeral
Like a warm spring breeze
Lost in eternity with us

Us— the Shards; Fragments
Pieces of a whole— Me
Fragments of a Shattered Mind
Scarred and broken, but mended

Mended as I am though
I still bear those scars
And the Shards who pierced the mind
Pierced the soul

With mirrored clarity I see them
I see myself— One in the same
With clinical precision they cut
Fragmenting me— Us...

"In time," I would tell myself—
These were times of fear;
Self-introspection; grand unknowns

"For in these times it is not pain
Nor fright or apprehension
Nor desire—"

I would not have known
Nor do I now—
What I may desire or desire herself;

She is a symbol of beauty;
Elegance, grace, harmony
Peace and love—

I know—who wouldn't want that?
I wasn't always how I am—nay
Perceive myself to be

My story is one of heartbreak;
It is pain and suffering;
Depression and loss

Though details show not
Any apparent distress;
Nor loss; nor pain—

But nonetheless scarred I am;
Stabbed more times
Than one could imagine

Yet still I persevere;
I survive, and I thrive;
And I live another day

All that I am—this hate reflected inward;
An echo of guilt wrapped in disdain
Lost to the inevitability of passing time
Yet still it lives

All that I know—this sadness you see;
I don't let you close though I should
A life gone in an instant leaving nothing behind
But this crumbling façade

All that I feel—this vestigial regret; no, fear;
Ties with which to bind me to this life;
To keep me tethered to this world
Yet still ethereally

All that we project—the unwarranted attacks;
The bridges I've burned, rebuilt, and burned again
All to feel something other than sorrow
Meant for no one

All that I see—the flames around me; burning;
This reflection of what's beyond this calm exterior
The love and hate; The love of hate; The hate of love;
The gyre beneath the surface

All of this turmoil—this undeserved turbulence;
The love I thought to give, but was mistaken
The hate I sought to hide, but was misappropriated
Is all I see

And all I see is failure on my part; of my control;
Of my desires hidden with lock and key;
And of searing anger unconstrained
Eternity in vain

Cold and lost—
I wander aimlessly;
Bonechilling rain and icy winds

It bites at my cheeks—
Wind threatening
To knock me off my feet;

I fall—
To my knees, then prone;
I cannot go on

Soaked to the bone—
Consciousness fading;
I freeze

These golden wings carry me high
Though far too brittle they are
Just the lightest tap and they'll shatter

And just like that, I hang in mid air
A momentary pause in time
A respite to reflect on what matters

But what does matter if not my heart
Brittle like those golden wings, now shrapnel
And here I am, broken and battered

And just like that, the moment's gone
The illusion of time, restored
I would never realize what was the matter

Falling, plummeting; writhing in pain
Golden shards of glasslike shrapnel
Shreds, scars, and lascerates

I bleed and bleed, though not a tear shed
I am strong, though not strong enough it seems
May my soul this land consecrate

Terminal velocity, how apropos a phrase
Not terminal for Earth, but for me
My mind, not even these wings could sate

My final seconds are swift, not a single delay
Hitting the ground with force
And those golden shards rain down their hate

She's so far away
With me in spirit yet I am still longing
For her touch and her warmth

She cannot stand to be away
Nor can I stand the loneliness
Kept company by only a handful of pills

The buzz of my phone
Providing a temporary respite from the pain
Though it isn't her

Inseparable yet our bond is broken
I feel her slipping away as I fall
Deeper and deeper still, until all I have left is sorrow

It haunts me sometimes
The distraught look in your eyes
Knowing that you can't get through

It's much worse on the other end
Seeing you so upset
Knowing you won't open up

Not even to me

It haunts me sometimes
Seeing you so unresponsive
Like I'm dead to you

I hate the feeling so much
Being on the outside
Desperate to be let in

I'm sorry I ever did it to you

Lightning lights the skies
Electricity in my eyes
But thunder roars no louder
Than a beating heart

She lights more than the sky
Brighter than the sun;
Illuminating the darkest nights

Soft husky
Warm husky
Little ball of fur

O' to be
A little cutie
With fur as soft as yours

Ebb and flow, yin and yang
Forward still we press
Times are tough with naught to gain
Soldiering on without rest

Lost in the grind of time
No mind paid to the cycle
Can't wait, no time to spare
I'll rest if I get there

If...

That pain inside your heart; I know it all too well
You see it in me every day
The darkness of my soul; it looms over you
And I never wished it was this way

Deep inside my mind is a burning world of pain and fire
I live in it; burn in it; die in it
I never wanted any of this endless living hell
To play out before your eyes

I want you to know I never meant any of it
I wish it were true that anything could help
I want you to know you're innocent in this
The loving words you say mean the world to me

The pain I feel is not your fault
It's plagued me all my life
The blood I've spilt and hate I've felt
A symptom of the strife

My life is worth just a fraction
Of the love you give
It means the world to me just
To be there by your side

I wish I never had this hidden world beneath the skin
I wish you never had to see this horrid part of me
I wish we never fought like this; my heart shatters at the thought
I wish my soul wasn't tainted by this troubled sea

I want you to know I never meant any of it
I wish it were true that anything could help
I want you to know you're innocent in this
The loving words you say mean the world to me

If I ever see the light
I'll be there by your side
I want you to know I love you so much more
Than the demons inside want you to see

Frozen in time
Overwhelmed by my mind
Lost in translation
Trapped by the grind

But you're there for me

Hazy and unresponsive
Not a part of this world
Gone... Gone...
A victim of this twisting reality

And still, you're there

Frozen... Fractured...
Unyielding torment overwhelms me
Losing myself... Losing you
Losing all I ever saw in you

And yet, you're there

Missing in action
Faded away into aeons gone by
Gone... Gone...
A victim of a maelstrom of lies

But forever, you're there

Blank screen, as usual

It seems I never know what to say
Never know what to do either
I just sit here, wondering how I can even
Begin to let my thoughts spill out

Just words without a purpose
Thoughts without reason
Crumbling vestiges of what I feel
Lost in translation

Like trying to go to work
But being hit by a bus in the crosswalk
Never reaching their destination
Much to the feigned dismay of coworkers

Life continues
I'll just take another sick day, I guess

I look upon a distant star
Mired in the inky blackness of a midnight sky
They're so far away, yet I still feel their touch; their warmth

I can still hear their voice
It echoes from a realm beyond the stars
A place where their pain is accepted as punishment;
A crime never committed, yet a life sentence received

They live beyond that fading star
In a place foreign to the living; a place only they can know
Beyond my reach, but not my loving embrace

The echoes of their final moments still ring in my mind
Falling, falling... yet not to the ground
Up through the heavens and stars
To the blackened sky beyond

Their eyes still shimmer with jade luminescence
A color that still I cling too; even took my name from
Now in a way a sort of tribute

A tribute to a life cut short
A life too many of us come to know and despise
But I know in the midnight sky
Far beyond faded stars and constellations

I will always see those shimmering jade eyes

I look inside
Darkness; emptiness;
That's unusual
I think to myself, though I do not know how

The emptiness within is strange
It's usually a vibrant world
Thriving and alive
But today it is dead

I once was in tune with this place
It spoke to me and I spoke back
I willed it to my liking
It gave a bounty of inspiration

My muse is now gone
Like somebody turned out the light
At least I'm not alone in here
Not completely mindless, but getting there

The city never sleeps
Always busy; always something
Something to do
It shines like moonlight
A modern day nightlight

If only you could see me now
Instead of this emotional wall
Solid grey stone upon chiseled stone
Imposing and oppressive

I see myself in this wall
I can see my mistakes
Written in stone and reflected
Like a mirror staring back at me

Anger and pain met with hatred
Resentment for what I was
What I am; who we are
All I have said and done

I see too much of me
Too much of the sadness and disdain
Melancholy and anger
I deserve no better

I built this wall to keep things out
But they still break through
Like a stone through glass
This glass fortress

It reflects my memories back at me
Painfully unforgettable moments
Visions of shattered emotions
Like a stained glass mural torn asunder

And all those glass fragments do
Is cut back at me, slicing deep
And the crumbling wall crushes me
Brick by brick by brick

Until I get what I deserved all along

Moonlight on an brisk night
Not a soul in sight
No birds in flight nor snowfall white
Just a waning moon's light

Alone I am in this frigid cold
No one's hand to hold
A heart of ice; so I've been told
By whispers in the leaves that rolled

I stop to wonder a while
Standing not with a hint of style
Much less so than a soft leaf pile
Memories coming forth rank and file

Icy winds and half-moons
Biting chills and half-truths
Raindrops falling on broken roofs
All joy is lost in a ****

Words cut deep in my veins
As this soft moonlight wanes
Troubles on my mind; stains
Surreal dissent and pains

Bitter cold and icy chill
Cold enough perhaps to ****
Though hope fills me still
My empty soul it shall not fill

For icy winds chill to the bone
And moonlight reveals a throne
Of white lies to cast a stone
And black blood long since gone