I was sure that she'd reject me
And that gave rise to fear
But anything that's worth a fight
Will make those nerves appear

A week passed by and day by day
My courage slowly grew
And this is where I messaged her
With a link for her to view

A sonnet, cheesy, but well planned
With a message to supply
That I believed something could work
And I thought it worth a try

An hour passed, and then a night
And then, so flew the day
I guess there's comfort knowing that
I was sure it'd go this way

They called me pathetic
Pathetic for having pity and slight compassion for my enemy
I wanted to ****
But I chose the only way of life
I wanted to harm
But I chose the only way of peace
And this “… really pathetic way …”
Was now against me in two ways
The aggravation of my peers
The twisted thoughts of my own mind
Working together and apart in a way that gives me what I want
Yet what I never want to happen

It turns me inside out and causes pain
Pain which I cannot block with the softness of my skin
But accept with my gut and heart and all that makes me
I want to be free of pain
But sometimes the only way out is just less pain
But always pain
Never happiness
Just less pain than the other way

I’m testing a painless way
But with the help of my friends
It becomes more painful than the painful way
How are these friends that help me into pain
And expect me to take the way that hurts me most
And hurts their friend physically too?
I cant risk causing or creating any pain
Not again

Four years have passed and ive kept my calm
Four years of thinking through
Four years of doing actions that always seek to impress everyone
Even against my own happiness
I’d rather make everyone happy
That way I can be seen as nice and funny
But the way I need to go
The way I am going
I cant be nice and friendly
I know that
But I will stay on the pain freeway
For as long as I can
Until the nearest service station comes and I can
As it were
Grab some help
Before I arrive at my final destination

Turning up
To the point that I need to be avoiding
That’s something I know will happen
And what everyone seems to want to happen
Even the enemies
But little do they know
Little does anyone understand
There will be trouble
Too much trouble to comprehend
And to apologise for after
A way to stop the sorry
Is to stop the action
If I don’t do anything wrong I cant be accused of it

I’m just trying to get by
Even if It means without friends
Without the best parts of my life
I just need to be driving along
And carrying on
For the good of everyone else
Even my enemies

And they call me pathetic

Hearing all these racist words
This ignorant obsession
The only race I'm part of
Is the run to end oppression

"The greater the Storm,
The brighter the Rainbow"

Even the weather says that
Being rid of you will be a great day

"Love is like war; a breeze to start,
But seems so very hard to stop"
The feeble *****, or 'loving' heart
Can lead you thrice over the top.

It'll throw you first, then let you fall
And let you take the longest climb
But then you'll give the jump your all
To make it work so well this time

"Where there is love, then there is life"
Then why do I feel I'm near death
I wish that you could be my wife
Through every storm, to the last breath

I feel like you are still the one
Despite the time that's passed us by
We've both made turns looking for fun
But really they've just made us cry

"Life without Love is bad as a tree,
A tree without blossoms or fruit"
I want to reap harvest as big as can be
But without you here, its all just minute

Oh I can see the simple truth
We are not meant to be apart
I wish I could return to youth
At least I'd then be in your heart

I can feel it rising up
I can feel it becoming a part of me
A waking morning thought
And a soothing night's dream.

Too easily do I end up here
This clifftop peak of potential joy
Too simply do I jump without harness
And too simply do I fall without hope.

All it takes is a smile
A good laugh and a set of *******
Then I'm drawn in  like a dead fish
In the proverbial toilet bowl

It's funny how often I jump
How often I convince myself of reciprocation
But the truth is I'm ugly
Ugly in sight, in conversation and in company

I have a quick wit but a slow start
Silence is a majority in my life
So I choose this time to stop
To walk away before humiliation

She is beautiful, funny, happy
I'm quiet, slow and stiff
She lives with fairies in the clouds
I live with worms in the dirt

So I shall stay here and live
Avoid public announcements and actions
Avoid the weening possibility of joy
For the reality of loneliness

At least here I'm safe

Type.
Delete.

Re-type.
Delete.

Re-word.
Delete.

Start afresh.
Delete.

Lecture.
Delete.

Apologise.
Delete.

Throw phone.
Wait 15 minutes.
Repeat.

No matter what I do
How I try to be successful
I always seem to fall

I’ll try and jump,
To climb,
Even barely scrape the edge.
No success

I want to succeed,
To win,
To leap and fly
But that’s not how im made

I want to be this thing that im not
And I want it so badly that im telling myself no
If I try I will fail, so why try

Well, why not try
Why not jump for the disappearing ledge
Why not shoot for the goal
Knowing that its in the opposite direction

I’m leaping now
To reach the stars
To win the lost game
… Just to fail again

I would rather struggle to live my life
Than make those who care struggle to accept my death


For now

Your tears are made from your laughter
My tears are made by you

My Heart was Open
My Eyes were Closed

Your Heart stayed Closed
Your Eyes stayed Open

The perfect closing of her eyes
As she leans to start the kiss
And as it starts, I start to think
I’ll never forget this

So long my hearts been controlling
As ive wanted to make a move
And now this randomly happens
Her lips so soft and so smooth

Her head was bobbing up and down
To make the kiss last so long
I would have said the perfect kiss
I couldn’t have been more wrong

The only flaw to this great kiss
That tears my heart into three
Is that through all this wondrous time
She was kissing him, not me

I met an old man years ago
He came knocking on my door
Something seemed familiar
As if I'd seen him once before

A crescent scar upon his nose
And something hidden in his eye
He clawed my face as he collapsed
And held his chest with a deep sigh

In pain and shock I froze until
He spoke in a riddled tongue
"I am you when you were old
And you are me when I was young"

Forty years have passed but now
I fear what comes today
I guess I'll just start knocking
But I know just what I'll say

I can't forget the good days
Whenever I see you
Think of you
They flash back with a magnificent glow
I wish we could go back one day
Yeah, these days are good
The hinting
The poking
It's all fun and great
But it's not the same

Once upon a time when I looked into your eyes
You'd look back and smile
As if happiness itself was there
Living
Loving
Like i loved you
Love you
And i miss them days

The days where we'd hug and it would mean something
Not just a goodbye
More like a hello to something else
We'd hug and actually hug
No slide
No push away
No forced prolongment
Just happiness

When I'd send a ':*' and you'd reply with one
And when you'd send me one with any other intent but making josh jealous
Those days were good
But they've gone
And I can't forget them

I wish I'd fought
Fought for the fort of love

You were my heroine
My heroine made from pure ******

Then you lead me to a maze
A maze made from pure maize

And when you left me I wore my greave
But the greave didn't stop my greaving

Everyone can see me
Towering over the land
It's impossible to miss
This 10foot tower when I stand

Yet I feel hidden daily
Like a tiny little bug
All this invisible giant wants
Is a tiny little hug

She felt she was a jellyfish, floating round, manipulated easily, seen through, landing where she landed and leaving when she’d leave. But occasionally she’d hurt those that got too close.

She’d sting them. She didn’t want to. And was sorry ever since, but her tentacles were made. Made with the stingers ready for anyone that got too close.

She tried to stay away from the sea but needed it to survive, so she’d drift in the same currents, the same as everyone else just kept distance, kept them safe.

Until that brave turtle came along, nearly impenetrable. So protected from danger and he lured her away from loneliness. There was a moment of convincing. He had to show her that he was strong enough and he seemed strong enough to resist her pains.

But he was too strong, too bottled up in his shell. No communicating with the inside, and it was tough for her. After a while he let down his guard and with one quick motion he slipped on her tentacle. He was hurt and left.

Now left alone to face the current with few jellyfish friends who had chosen the back path, but she needed someone close and as much as she loved her friends, they weren’t enough.

She hasn’t forgot that turtle to this day and she wished upon a twinkling coral that she may have him back. But maybe it isn’t meant to be.

Back to reality now, enough with the fish metaphors, as much as I like them. I guess I like them because they make me feel like I could be close to her. Maybe even close enough to be her turtle. One problem.

I can’t swim

As I sit here in a room full of students
I watch and observe all the conversations they make
Some are working, and some are chatting nicely
Some in general gossip and others about loves mistake

I can distinguish the difference between each conversation
I can hear the voices separating the football from the flirt
But yet, it all seems to be one big mix of noise
That reminds me of some type of global dirt

These voices and conversations gather around my head and ears
The silent whizzing of noise has hold of my mind
Instead of shouting “stop”, and joining their noise
I slowly put on my headphones, just to be kind

As I mask the sound of gossip, love and sport
I focus more on the noises which I have chosen to be played
The clashing of drums, the tinkering piano and flute
With un-matching vocal of how enemies should be slayed

As I listen to this song, I focus on the room around me
Everyone that was here before was still here
The gossiping groups were still laughing and joking
And the heart-struck teen still shedding a tear

The difference in this was that it seemed silent as space
As if they had all taken part in an unrehearsed mime
Uncontrolled, unordered, so random, yet so distinctly real
Hidden behind my music for this moment in time

As the song slowly came to an end and switched onto the next
That 2 seconds that accompanied my timeless zone
I heard the blur of their previous chatter and talk
The world had continued, and I’d been left alone

I’d been taken from the world I knew for a brief moment
And as I felt like this new silent world wasn’t true
My next song of chattering metals and drumrolls started
This world had returned to me and it was new.

I didn’t know how to react to this realisation
Of a different dimension that my music sends.
How long until I’d figure out where I am?

I guess I’ll have to wait until this song ends.

There once was a boy
Who would live day to day,
He tried not to trouble
Anyone on his way,
Whatever he did,
Whatever he'd say,
He only wanted a good time
Doing what he may.

But there was always that group
Who made his time bad,
They took all the fun
And turned it so sad,
He tried telling his mum,
He tried telling his dad,
But they wouldn't listen
To this young bullied lad.

He never went a day
That sad little boy,
Without feeling that he
Was their little punch toy,
He wished every day
He could stay full of joy,
Instead of that Ian,
That Andrew, that Roy.

He wished that they'd stop it,
He wished that they would,
He knew who it was
Even with their black hoods,
They thought they were cool,
They thought they were good,
They pointed and laughed,
I don't know how they could.

They finally stopped it
Everyone could see
They didn't stop it
Because they were sorry,
They only stopped it
Because he let it all free

There that boy crying
That little boy was me.

I read today, within the press
About a 7 year-old girl
Her name was Sailor Gutzler, and
She kept on walking, though faced hell.

She'd lost her Mum. She'd lost her Dad.
Her Sister and her Cousin too.
She, the one fated to live
Despite the horror She'd been through.

Their small plane crashed within the woods
She was so well and truly lost.
Bleeding. Crying. Total pain.
She made her way through bark and frost.

She'd walked a mile to find a house
Broken fist and Bleeding knees,
Her shoes were gone, Her feet were cold
Without no-one there but tall, hard trees.

I had to raise her name so that
Our thoughts and prayers can reach her side
I'd have been too weak and quit.
She's 7 and made it stride by stride

the moon brings life
to the wolf and owl
and it brings out the joy
of the midnight fowl

it lights up the night
like the sun does the day
its brightness for some
is just the only way

its beauty surrounded
by the dark dark night
and the stories make kids
feel nothing but freight

and the people believe
we should sleep while its out
and miss the true feeling
that the moons all about

Whenever I’m left on my own
The silence tells me things
“Think of this! Now think of that
And all the pain it brings!”
It never sets a happy task
It’ll set me one that stings
It’ll set me one that hovers round
And laughs with wretched wings.

The silent moth that flusters by
Just whispers to my brain
“Oh, there is not one single thing,
That in life you will gain.
You are not meant to be happy
That’s why I’m here again.
To turn all of your good feelings
To those of hurt and pain.”

I cannot blot the silence out
It enters and it feeds
And as it stays it starts to nest
And starts to spread its seeds.
The silence grows and needs my love
To help it stretch its weeds.
“You cannot stop the feeling of love”
It says as my heart bleeds.

I do not love the silence, no!
That’s not the love it takes
It takes the love I have for those
Who would put my heart on stakes.
Of those that I’ve had feelings for
And just like giant snakes
Has slivered round and tempted me
To make some big mistakes.

But now it gets more serious
As the seeds now start to grow
The silence is with me always
No matter where I go
And even as I go on out
In sun, rain, wind or snow
The silence comes and plays again
And lets these feelings show

“You cannot run, you cannot hide
For I am part of you
I am not heard by other men,
I do not stay in view.
I linger on your petty heart
Yet linger under too.
And as you try to carry on
I’ll be here, stuck like glue.”

I wondered if it soon would go
If ever I’d be free
But then I thought of how it feeds
And cried so dreadfully
I wished I could just drown it out
But I’d tried that. Can’t you see?
I have these feelings that I can’t shake
And they’ll be the end of me.

When we first started off
Our friendship grew
Quickly
Vastly
And I knew that you were more than my friend

As the sparks began in my heart
You told me of the sparks you felt
My spark grew into a beautiful flame
Almost a reflection of your beauty
Your radiance
And it grew

It took my heart
Making me unable to love another

It took my lungs
As I lost my breath to your presence

And it took my stomach
That I may feel that twitch whenever you were in my mind

But now the fire has spread

Now it has spread like a camp fire made to keep me safe
Safe from the dangers of the wild
But now causing a ferocious blaze around me
And now it has spread to my skin

My body now feels the pain of lost love as you now love another
But as the flame grows on my skin
It intensifies on my inner being

My heart
Now unable to stop loving you

My lungs
Now stopping me from running away from this pain

My stomach
Now failing me as I fail to feed it

But now
It threatens my one sense of security
My mind
Causing pain and misery as it burns away at my memories
The good times, correction, great times that we had
Making them feed on me
Painfully

And now all I have is the memory of lost love
And the painful burn and blaze of regret
And like a forest fire
The only way to put it out is to let it burn
Let it burn its way through a path of destruction
And wait for it to end

Thing is
I think it may end a little too late for my body to ever repair

Humpty Dumpty was a prince
Living in his town of Gold
And here lies the hidden truth
Of the tale, left untold

Every day he'd take a walk
Strolling 'round his father's town
He wanted to be a great king
And know the folk who honored his crown

A poor young maiden walked with him
She made him laugh and fueled his smile
He wanted her, she wanted gold
Her secret, hidden all the while

His father passed away one day
Drowned within the royal pool
When all the riches were passed down
'Twas then she made Humpty a fool

She took it all and ran away
And as she took the Western track
Humpty sat on the grand town wall
Wishing she would soon turn back

'Twas love that broke poor Humpty Dumpty
As he sat upon that wall
None of the kingdom could possibly help
And thats the truth, hidden from all

The time my eyes,
Had first set sight,
On the wonder that you are,
So full was I,
Full of delight,
At the wonder that you are.

My head so weak,
My heart so strong,
For the wonder that you are,
I have tried to seek,
For something wrong,
In the wonder that you are.

My heart now hums,
Now when it sees,
All the wonder that you are,
The feeling comes,
And gives wobbly knees
At the wonder that you are.

I want to know,
What I would feel,
To be the wonder that you are,
I wish all but a foe,
Would come and kneel,
To the wonder that you are.

I know the pain,
that’s caused by me,
not the wonder that you are,
not said in vain,
but I wish I could be,
with the wonder that you are.

They ******* up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****** up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Why live a life that waits for an end?
Why live and watch the time go by?
Why not live life to the max you can go?
Live every second until you die

Time will pass and new times will come
And things, with time, will mostly fade
The times have passed for millions of years
Why, about this, would you be afraid?

Whether all i have is two days, two weeks,
Or if its still a month or two,
I say i should just live it out
And focus on my love for you

Why live a life that waits for an end?
Why live and watch the time go by?
Why not live life to the max you can go?
Live EVERY SECOND until you die!

Times I want to jump and fly
Fly above the world and soar

Times I seem to breathe and sigh
Heavy chested like a snore

Times I want to fight and try
As I live through times of war

Times I seem to mock and lie
Throwing truths right out the door

Times I seem to burn and dry
And get refilled through open pore

Times I want to sit and cry
And crouch up small upon the floor

Times I seem to fizzle and fry
As some just want to eat some more

Times I want to cut and die
And let the blood slowly pour

Today I had thought that time could be linear
A line ever-still with us passing it by
The future is not undetermined and random
But set by the past. Now, let me tell you why

If two people were brought up in the exact same way
If there mothers, the same, and their actions, alike
The thought path and actions of the two would matched
As their genes/experiences make what they do and don't like

If their pasts were the same, their reasoning would too
Then what happens before makes what happens next
So their future is written by the past that they've had
But this can't be right. This is why I'm perplexed

I remember a day that was near ten years ago
My dad had punched through the window in rage
He came rushing upstairs to comfort his kids
As he had been in our spot when he was our age

He apologised dearly with a fist full of glass
He had never wanted to put us through that
Last year he lashed out the same in some sort
But then there was no comforting chat

No "think of the kids", no "what have you done?"
He had now lashed out and was sure deranged
It was this that broke my theory in two
I guess that time itself has changed

If you force me to change and make me anew
We would just lose an e and become double you

I cannot place my finger on it
I cannot yet speak the truth
Instead I'll lay the baseline to it
And explain the concept of my youth

As a little boy, fear lead supreme
It held me back from achieving my goal
But now fear is my go-to scheme
By accepting this I gain control

Fear used to make me fight or run
I'd be volatile yet full of drive
But now I channel this loaded gun
And use it to help me survive

This energy comes and sharpens my view
I can focus completely on the task to be done
But before the use of fear sounds new
Let's return to where i begun

Fear, energy, focus and speed
The four main traits of my fixation
Have lead to illness, stress and ****
Because the word is ...
Procrastination

I want to just apologise
But then it’s all in vein.
I want to show her, I’m still here
But I’ll be stuck again.

I want to tell her she looks great
But she’ll ignore my words.
I want to tell her how I feel
And let free these fluttering birds.

I want to just be back to mates
And pass the anger by.
I want to be the loser her,
And quit by saying … “Hi”.

As I awake
There's no mistake
I dreamt of you tonight.
Your cheeky grin
Your gentle skin
Your eyes a full delight

You're full of fun
And number one
For beauty on this earth
So **** too
And if you knew
You'd realise your worth

When on my mind
You soon will find
A stiffness start to grow
My breath gets deep
As if I sleep,
My hands start to clench low.

I start to lust
For your sweet bust
Beside me as I lay.
So as I stand
With no day planned
"What you up to today?"

Sometimes the only thought is why
Why did you ask?
Why were you so eager to know?
Why could you not have waited?

I should have waited
Waited for her to tell me when she saw the time fit
Whenever that may have been
If ever had been

It was a stupid question
And I thought id get a funny answer
Humour can hide the pain behind words
And this pain was hidden pretty well
Until now

The answer I got wasn’t funny
It was brute
It was death
It was truth
‘I have once, but I was forced’

The strongest silence and guilt hang over me
Why did you ask?
You wanted her untouched
And you wanted to be the future touch
Not due to gesture
But for the value
The commitment
Now all you have is a stutter and a gaze into the distance which only he controls

As the minutes pass
The hours follow
Still nothing typed
Still no words to reply
But ‘sorry’
Sorry isn’t going to change it
Sorry won’t change your mistake

Your mistake was confidence
And now you have none
No confidence
None to reply to the defenseless ******* the other end

I hate you

As I lived the days that come and go
I thought of what I had to show
Of all the things I’d won and earned
Of all the things I’d trashed and burned

The bads outweigh the goods, you see
Their heaviness means I’ll never be free
This cold, dark world is all I am
And held me back for future scam

The bitter cold, the vivid dark
Both tried to take away my spark
They’d sneak and fight, and turn me cold
And make me nothing, but controlled

I longed for heat, I longed for light
I wished and prayed straight through the night
I knew that path to say farewell
But that just led me straight to hell

‘I wonder if the heat feels nice’
‘It can’t get worse’ was my advice
I took the blade and took my heart
For constant heat I did depart

The heat was bliss and soothed my pain
But then the clouds let forth some acid rain
The heat was higher than I could bare
It burnt my skin and singed my hair

The pain is constant, from the heat
I wish the cold days would repeat

So as I hurt, and scream and shout
I wish I’d never opted out

I write because you're right
I was wrong because you left

A true friend never truly dies
Just fades away from physical touch
Spiritually close they'll always stay
So they'll never truly wander much

The distance may seem oh too far
For my human mental state to reach
But i know that you'll be so close
And that, to others, i'll have to teach

You'll never be forgotten Mert
You've clung so deep in all our hearts
Your happy personality
Has spread through all our human parts

I know that saying "bye" is flawed
As you'll be here forever more
But i guess that it is bye until
I see you again at heaven's door