Sometimes I just want to
Jump
Out the window.
Not to **** myself
Never that
I just want the rush
And I want to escape this place.

My faith
My love
I am devoted
And I listen to fast
Angry to some
Music to soothe my nerves
And empower my soul

My love,

I didn't include your name
You know who you are
And I know you'll see this.
Remember when we started?
Four-ish months ago
It doesn't sound like much
Does it?
But it's been so great
I've learned so much about you
What you love
What you hate
Your interests
Your plans
And I've learned how much I love you
Well, not really
I have no idea how much I love you
After all, who can define infinity?
Truly?
We've had some fights
But honestly
I think that's a good thing.
They've made us stronger
Brought us together more and more.
And I just can't resist you.
I think you're so completely
Amazing.
I know you're excited about six months coming up
I am too
More than anything.
I know you worry
I do too
But everything is fine with me
At least I think so.
Are you okay?
I constantly wonder
Because you aren't always
And I just want to make everything better sometimes
But I can't
I want to do everything possible
I want to hug you
But even the distance between us
Keeps that from being an option.
At least it's not too far.
We get to see each other fairly often.
I wonder sometimes
How far do you see us going?
Because you know I was hesitant to
Pursue our relationship
Because high school relationships never seem to last.
Maybe we'll be the minority.
I hope so
Because you're pretty amazing
And so are we.
Even if we stop being
"Together"
I'll love you
Because that's just how it is.
A decision I made.
Our name is Kayge
I like it
Because it makes it sound like we're in an
Anime
A couple characters being shipped together
I think it's cool
Your friends have even said it!
Anyway
I could go on
But I need to have something to write about later
Right?

Sincerely and always yours,
                                                  Sage

Almost everything I've ever tried
Has been easy.
This is why
I seem to enjoy things that I have more trouble
Mastering.

Challenge me by all means
And make it difficult
Because today my boredom grows
And my ambition wanes.

Everything going on in my life
Doesn't feel like
My life.
I feel like I'm constantly
Pretending
Acting like someone else
Someone kind
Someone caring
Not that I'm not
But it all feels fake
Somehow

I'm falling away.
Someone catch me

Please

The chill seeps in
Freezing my bones
Slurring my speech
Extinguishing the heat that fills
My body
Slowly removing me
From it

The cold is always reaching for
An embrace
But it only may embrace anything
Anyone
For a little while
Until clinging to something
Pushes the one being clung on to
Away
Forever.

This music
The drums
The beat
So much faster than anything
And my heart races to catch up
Left in the wake

Why is it that
When someone says my name
It almost always sounds foreign?
Not from another country
No, it's like it's someone else.
But then who
Am I?

I just thought you should know
I dream of you day and night.

Why is it
That I feel different around you
In school?
I suppose the distance we've gone
Struggles we've had
They weren't in school
They were separate
And now I feel odd
Not in a bad way
When I see you in school.

I see you in the hallway
Our eyes meet
And I'm happy for an hour or two.

Do you have any idea
How many times, just sitting in class
You enter my mind?
Barge into my thought?
Take them over.
It's alright
Because you're that captivating.

For some reason
My favorite words
Are violent.
Rip
Tear
Gouge
Splinter
Hollow
Etc.

Please
Will you tell me
Anything and everything
That I don't know
That I won't do
That I will do
That I shouldn't do
Warn me
Yell at me
Throw something at me
Write to me
Email me
Just tell me
Before I really ***** up.

When I write
It's not my words being spewed from my hands
It's my thoughts spewing from my mind
Laid bare for all to see
Sometimes even things I didn't
Know I thought about.
It's a learning experience
For everyone.

A man to some, a child to many
A disciple known, not shared with any
A man set apart, though wholly not whole
Whom run by not greed, dug no bigger holes
To others in need, a kind giving friend
And bolstering love, for others 'til end
A soul distracted, by trivial things
The many broken hearts, small wooden kings
The many people, waiting to be saved
And his face youthful still, just barely shaved
So unapproachable to most, unknown
Preparing for his life, his newest home
Of travels and love he daily did dream
Then dying, left not enough on the scene

My **** today was
Huge
And meaningful.

Why is it so much more difficult to write
When I'm told to?

Right now
I'm here
You're here
Everyone is
Here.
Let's make it good for everyone else
I don't mind if my experience
*****
As long as someone benefits.

Lately
My life is seeming to become
Surreal
It doesn't feel
Real
And I don't understand why.
People
Are becoming backgrounds
Places
Are even less
And I don't seem to notice things
The intricacies of life.
Because it all seems
Fake.
Like a spectacular video game
That I am just playing through
Looking forward to the next one
Too busy looking ahead to see
What is right here beside me.

What if we're all
Pretending
To be something
Nobody
Wants to be?
We're all pretending it's
Okay to be like this
Because we think we're the only ones
Pretending
And that everyone is okay
With this pretense.
But what if nobody is okay with it?
And we're stuck
Pretending.

When I grow tired
My words change
Morph into some sort of
Eloquence
At times
Sheer emotion
Tearing pain
Ripping my body and soul into
Thousands of tiny pieces
From words I myself write.
I wonder
Should it count as some type of
Self harm?
No it shouldn't
Because your writing hurts me even more
And I love it.

*I guess I like it rough.

I run from love
I run to love.
I run from hate
Yet I accept it all the same.
Love is always good
And hate is always bad.
Wouldn't you agree?
Love is complete joy and acceptance
Willing to sacrifice yourself
And that's not even necessarily your life.
Jumping in front of a bullet isn't easy
But it's easier than changing your schedule
At times.
Hate is always bad
So why is it acceptable to hate
The people who've hated the most?
We can't learn from mistakes
Or just move on without acknowledging them?
Well, I'm a firm believer
That cookie dough is always good.
Except when it makes you sick.
Tastes like salmonella.
But cookie dough is still always good.
Except when it makes you fat.
But
Cookie dough is still always good.
Except when you don't get any cookies.
Cookie dough tastes better anyway.

As I prepare to return
I feel a familiar sense of
Dread
But also
A familiar sense of
Familiarity.

Often
When I use the word
Fallen
I mean that I am being overtaken
By sin
By anything bad
But there is one type of falling I don't mind
Which is
Falling in love with you.

This may be kind of corny
But it's how I feel.

Every day
Make someone's day.
Maybe someone will make
Yours.

This world is so messed up
So fallen
So cracked
Robbed
Objectified
Run by greed
Lust (A different type of greed)
I don't even watch the news
Because it's all
Pain.
And it hurts me.
Because I feel guilty for it.
All of it.
I live a normal life
By many standards
But it is so privileged.
I have the luxury to whine about my own problems.
I should be out helping people
Not sitting at my computer
Writing "poetry"
Yuck
I'm such an idiot.
I cannot work yet
Even drive on my own
Why is that limiting me?
I want to HELP PEOPLE
Save people.
Though I like learning things
I shouldn't be in school
When there's so many people without FOOD
Without HOMES.
Who am I to complain about my
Tiny problems?
My life is run by greed.
That's all there is to it.
But I can't escape.
My regrets constantly grow
And maybe when I get a chance
I can HELP PEOPLE.
Somehow.

You say there's things I don't know.
The thing is
I've heard things.
Been discreetly told things.
You still take us
But I wonder if you really want to?
If you care to?
If you don't want to it's alright
But I really wish you'd clarify for me
Because my mind left without an answer
Cannot rest easily.

We drive up to our house.
Now mom's house
And you sigh
You get that look
You tell us to hurry
And you pull out your phone.
Trying desperately not to cry.

It hurts me too.

When we hang out
You fall asleep
Almost every time
And I don't know what to do.
Do I leave you alone?
Wake you up?
I want to interact with you
But you sleep.
I guess laying next to you is alright.
I don't mind.

People say christian metalcore bands are
An oxymoron.
I disagree.
It's all good news
So why not scream it?

Take only what you need for today
Because if you take what you need for tomorrow
You're taking someone else's today away.

I noticed a while ago.
I am subconsciously
Objectifying everyone.
And when I think about it
Objectified people
Are easier
To deal with.
I don't think this odd tendency of mine is
Natural.
In fact, I'm sure it isn't.
It's the result of a subdued conscience.
A conscience I always had.
I cared deeply for others.
I felt bad
Cried myself to sleep
For the smallest things.
An offhand insult I wasn't sure was even heard.
A chip taken from the lunch table.
An argument to be forgotten and ignored the next day.
I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I cried
Hated myself
Continuously hit myself
Cried more
And had nightmares.
As I got older
These feelings faded
But still I get these pains in the pit of my stomach.
And I remember how I was
Before I was numbed by
Objectification.
I saw people as people.
I cried because
I don't want people to feel bad.
Not because of me!
I can't think of anything worse
Than being that picture on a dartboard
That gives the incentive to
Never.
Miss.
To be hated.
Even disliked.
Thought of as trash
As I often am
I suspect.
Looks of disgust I draw
From people I care for
Who I don't want to hurt
Who constantly hurt me.
It tears me apart
And as I write this I feel tears welling up
Which they haven't done for
Years.
I began this objectification.
"That's just a dumb person."
"He's an idiot."
"Just one of those mean kids."
And I stopped caring if I hurt them
Because caring hurts.
A lot.

I want a lot of things.

Food.

Water.

Friends.

Family.

Shelter.

Comfort.

Li­fe.

Love.

Understanding.

Money.

Experiences.

Joy.

Fellowshi­p.

Yearning.

Knowing other souls.

To help others.

Time.

But what do I
Really


*NEED?

Real love is
Knowing the worst thing about someone
And being okay with it.
Does your
"Significant other"
Know yours?
Do you know theirs?
And is it okay?
That's how you know.

Sometimes you don't want to be
Big.
You don't want to be supporting
Others.
You want to be supported.
Held.
You want to curl up and be hugged.
Fall asleep in someone's arms.
But you'll often find
Being big can be nice.

Even after we part
Your scent lingers on me
And I love it.

It lulls me to sleep.

Being first would be good
But the problem with first is
If something were to happen
If I were to hurt you
Further along the road
I wouldn't want to be a
First mistake.

I don't know why I'm still thinking about it
But it's way too much pressure right now.
Though I want it badly
It's impossible.

Conditional love
Is not love at all.
It is a contract.
A contract saying that you will
Act a certain way
If the other person acts the right way.
And if that contract is violated
Your "love" would be
Void.
Love is a promise.
A promise that you will not stop
Caring for the other person
No matter what happens
What they say
Or do
That you may not like.
You love them anyway.
If you love someone
You will stay by their side
Through thick and thin
Through all trials and tribulations
That life may throw at you.

At least, that's what I think.

As I walk through this life
I am burning.
Burning alive.
Flames ripping
Tearing at my flesh.
I have been terribly disfigured
Left a mangled shell
Of my former self.

As I walk through this life
I am reviving
Reviving my soul.
Bandages healing
Light restoring.
My disfigurations fade
But never leave.

As I fall into hell
Temptations ravaging me
As the hungry flames
Taint my skin
I know I am falling
And I feel it.
But can I change?

Lifted up
I feel restored
My wounds healing at once.
But I know that there are others
Falling
So I must go back.
I must return.

I am no longer falling
Though I constantly waver
I push through the flames
Standing strong when attacked
Brutalized by those I love.
But I must go back down
To bring them up.

Have you ever tried swearing at someone
Using the meanings of the swear words?
I'm gonna *** **** up female dog.
Well ***.
*** you donkey hole.
****** donkey *******.
Happy donkey mother sexer.

It doesn't work as well.

In cartoons
TV shows
When people have a decision
Between good and evil
They have a little angel
And a little devil
Appear on their shoulders.
When in fact
The little devil should be sitting right on their
**Crotch.

If you watch anime
You know what "Plot" is.
If you don't
Maybe you will figure it out after this.
There is some small plots.
Some huge plots.
Some unnecessary plots.
Some very necessary plots.
There's little baby plots
And old granny plots.
The old ones are less fun
And the baby ones need some time to develop.
Some plots make you awkward
And under no circumstance
Watch a show with lots of plot
Around family.
Or friends.
Or strangers.
Maybe alone,
But don't tell anyone.
Okay?
Have you figured it out yet?

Though I like stories
I never
Ever
Watch a show for the plot.

Happy 4 months
My love
My dearest
Though 4 is not a big number
I think it's pretty cool that we've
Lasted.
Through trial and error
We grow stronger.
Learn more.
Love more.
And I anxiously await
Things to come.

Though the thought is
Tantalizing
And I really want to
I can't.
At this point it's
A bit too much.
My faith agrees
But it's not fully that.
I am sure I'd regret it
And I'm glad you understand.
Yet another sign that we have a healthy
Relationship
Is your understanding.
Thank you.
*I love you.

Holding you
I just feel
At peace.
I know you so much better than I did
When our relationship started.
4 months tomorrow!
Time really flies
When you're learning
Fighting
Crying
Yearning
And falling in love.
Nothing feels more right than being near you.
Nothing even compares.
Our relationship is constantly
Growing
Changing
Like rain drops on a  battered windshield
We started with 2 drops combining
But as time passes
We grow
Larger and larger
Transforming
And I find myself
More and more
In love with you.
And nothing else seems to matter.

Being with you
Around you
Near you
Has become normal
It feels so right
So natural
That I think this may be
How it should be.

I will stand defiant
I will fight
I will never accept
A world that encourages
Celebrates
My self-destruction.

This world
I am not of it.
That is my decision.

I am usually
Pretty stupid.
I don't do it intentionally.
But it happens a lot.
So please forgive me my idiocy.

Yesterday
Something happened.
I don't think it was bad.
In fact,
I'm sure it wasn't.
After all
It improved your mood.
Made you happier.
Jovial.
I don't know what to think
But heck.
It's cool.