My eyes hurt.
My nose burns.
And my head throbs with things once forgotten.
I wanted so ******* badly to forget.

And now, I'm forced to relive it.

I tried to ******* **** myself.
Why would you bring that up again?
Why would you ask me why?
How?
When?
It makes me remember when I'd already lost it.

I can't pay attention to the things that should matter
To a fifteen year old girl.

I can't just daydream about kissing my boyfriend or
Stress over the coming math test.

Because I'm too busy killing myself with memories.

I am falling apart...
I am ******* falling apart.
Everything has gone wrong.

You find out, yell at me,
Keep me caged in.
And now I can't think at all.

I didn't do my assignment.
I didn't even know I had it!
And before that, I got every question wrong.

I don't even care anymore.
This comes first.
And plus, a few assignments won't affect me too much.
The tests though...

But it is simple.
I know the numbers,
I know the properties.

But what I don't know is how to ******* fix myself.

I can't control you and I can't make you
LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!

I can't fix this.
And I can't run.

I have too much to lose.

I need you to do a job for me.
Satisfy me in the way only you can.

I've craved your touch day and night,
And I know how it feels to have your lips
On my body.
The feeling, the memory is engraved in my brain.

But I need more.

Do this job for me,
And I will pay you back in any way I can.

Karma is a *****.
You heard the saying so many times.
What goes around comes around.
The golden rule.
Whatever.

Karma is a *****.
But not to the people who deserve it.
The people who were the nice ones,
Who have  been suffocated;
Their payment is long overdue.
I know a lot of people, including myself,
That have struggled to be kind for so long.
They have completely possessed the person
They once were.


Lately I've been a *****.
Please forgive me.

Ive tried for so long.
And I can not deal with this anymore.
I feel the need to rebel.
Because it is something to do.

You would do it to.
And most likely have
If you have been as caged in
As I was.

This math, I don't need.
This history, I don't need.
I want my life to center in art, writing,
Literature.
I read, I write,
And I capture the word in one precise moment that will never be seen again.
A lost time.
In one snapshot.
I hate these numbers.
And I hate the history that has corroded our world.

I want something else.
I don't need this place.

I had somewhere I wanted to go.
I would fit there.
But I can't.

Right now, music would help.
Melting into it and draining the world of its color.
Black and white.
No more thoughts, just the beat.
Other people's words.
And just noise.
No more thinking.

I haven't been able to concentrate on any of my work.
I got everything wrong.
It is easy!!!
And it was all wrong!!!

What the hell is happening to me?
Everything in my life is suffering.
My work,
My mind.
I can hardly meditate anymore because I am too crowded
With this **** in my mind that I wanted to forget.

I am reliving it.

I wanted to avoid this, but I needed people to know. I needed to
Get it out!
That's why I wrote that stupid ******* poem.
But then she found it and now
My life is a living hell.

Just stop it. Please.

Just don't mind me.
It's alright, I'm just exploding here.
The stress, the schoolwork, the drama.
Everything.
It is way too much.
I cannot deal wih all of this at once.

I am warning you.
Stay back.

I will talk, but only because you said
That you'd do some etching for me.
Carve things out and fill in the blanks.

You'd recommend something to me.
And I am grateful, but I am only a client,
Aren't I?

Tell me the name and contact information of my new teacher,
And I will be on my way.
But I don't need a teacher. A master.
I don't need someone other than the ones I already have.
But it would be nice to learn more.

[ A beautiful poem from my Dad. Love is encouraging the ones you Love. :) ]

One Glorious Spring Day,
An Angel was sent;
Sorrow was turned to Joy
The moment our eyes met.

Never knew Love until that day,
Heaven nor earth could take that away.
A bond that will last eternity away.

One Glorious Spring Day,
Heaven at last;
Just a smile or one look in her eyes,
JESUS I see in an innocent child.

One Glorious Spring Day
In Heaven we will sing...
Glory and Praise to the One Living King

Yes, the King of kings JESUS CHRIST,
Who gave his Life for all
That we may live forever and ever

Clever you say...Not so...

HIS redeeming Blood...
         ...The only way.

I will never even think of
Losing you, my dear.
I can't think of what running will give me.
I will continue to wonder where
This will lead.
And I do it for you.
I listen to music and I realize
That love lasts forever.
I am through worrying
And trying to memorize
The scenarios that could happen.
I don't know what to say, but
Just know that I only
Fall for you.
And I always will,
Until that last day.
But it will avoid me.
And it will never show it's face.