I wish. But the clouds are heavy and they
Rain around me. I am not wet.
I can only feel chills and I
Think of you. Absent, I want you
Here. Hand in hand with
Not me. Her, the other me.
The one who is sad, because you make the
Rain go away. I can't see through
These melted eyes.
They are gone. Everything blurred and my sockets
Are empty. Get me my glass eye, love,
And I will show you your future.
I can't see it through the crystal clear, but you can.
Tell me, am I there with
You? If I could write a poem a day, will you
Be there in the pages?

So many things containing those words.
And all of them are true.
I hope that you will be my last true love, because you are also my first.
I hope you will be the first to love me intimately, and also be the last.

I wish that you could be the last thing I see before I drift into our dreamland,
And the first sight when I awake.

The first to tell your secrets, and the last to let go of.

The last to leave, the first to see, truly.

It seems as my time has passed.
Giving me a numb feeling unless you are near.
I can barely speak, barely think without crying
Or saying something I will regret.
The weather gives me chills.
The sky seems less colorful.
But you, my love,
You make everything bright.
The colors I see in you, dear, are vibrant.
The veins your life runs through are beautiful.
And I feel more alive under your touch than I did
In the summer wind, diving into a lake.
You are always summer, dear.
For me, you are. But am I summer for you?
Do I give you the life you need?
It is never out of season for me, love.
Join me.

It's been hard to live.
It really has. And my entire life has been sad.
Crying myself to sleep. Scratching my skin open with
My fingernails in the middle of class.
And having green ink poisoning. Trying to **** myself
Slowly.
It's not working. Then you came. All of you, but especially you.
I never knew what happy was. But you gave me a peek.
One or two words out of a novel.
And there is no cure. You can't buy the book with the loose change in your pocket.
You can't steal the magic beans from the man who already planted them.
They grew in my mind, a monster. I can't cut them down.
Or defeat the giant that growls in my ear that he will **** me.

I am not strong enough.
I never was.
Because the beanstalk blocked the sun and the moon.
And I never knew what happy was.

Beautiful tragedy, life is. Nothing understood and
Judgement always comes first. I cannot find...
I am crashing into brick walls over, and over,
And over,
And over,
And over,
And... I am a broken record. I forget
When I say things. If I say things.
I need to just stay silent. Sew my mouth shut with thick black thread.
I can say more that way.
I might as well do the same with my eyes.
I can see black that way. I love the view. So tranquil.
But I can still hear you. I want you.

Cut these threads and let me see your eyes. The aqua-green color I can drown in.
It kills me to know you look at me. I don't deserve someone like you.
It drowns me. You do. Because you love me. And you
Allow me
To love you back. Infinitely.

I never want to leave. I love you I love you love you. I love you. I love you. A broken record again.

The misery of repeating things, thinking things. I am a mess.
But I have a vision. A recurring dream.
Stay with me. And it will be a prophecy.
Leave. And it will be a lost desire. A crushed hope.
But it gives me something to live for.
I love the pain. Thinking about bad things, my demons, is my harm. My release.
That or you. You touch me, play with me. My mind goes wild. But we haven't gone that far at all.
You just amplify this adrenaline.
It blinds me. Sight goes fuzzy, flash, blackness.
That is the blackness I remember.

Did I tell you I once thought myself insane?
I saw the nightmares you only dream of. Every waking hour.
My brother had nightmares about shadows following him. He screamed as he woke up.
He never saw them outside of his blankets.

I did. They tugged at my hair. Gave me chills. Distracted me.
They followed me constantly, but they were my friends. They knew me.
And they were pitch black. Midnight. No light. No light. No light.
Broken records, scratched CDs.
I am a broken record again. Just a dark disc turning, spinning, turning, spinning.
I am dizzy. I faint. I sleep.

This is the blackness I remember.

I am treated like a queen, the one woman in the world.
Why do you?
I am full of faults, mistakes, and I am a *****.
I don't deserve you. I don't.
I've felt that way for a long time. You are
Perfect.
Why did you choose someone like me?

I feel the anxiety creeping up my arms. My hands are shaking, and I feel fragile, broken, hollow. There are pieces inside rattling like a piggy bank with only a few pennies. I an shivering I am cold.

I just froze.

I couldn't move and I don't know why and I am freezing. The voice at the front of the room makes sense but it doesn't. I get it but only on paper. I am numb. I feel sick. I feel


Gone.

Send this jeweled watch flying out the window,
It's silly, clattering wings flapping, struggling
To keep it up.
My world has crashed once, you stupid creature.
And it is your fault. Horrid
Clock.
Time is your weapon.
But now, I am a ghost.

Your ticking sword does not cut me.