Christina
was by the tuck shop
in the school corridor
in mid morning recess

don't eat
too many sweets
I said
got to watch

your figure
she was with
other girls
who giggled

I thought you watched
my figure anyway
she said smiling
of course

I said
she bought
a couple of Wagon Wheels
and she left

the girls there
and walked with me
along the corridor
bought one for you

she said
I took it
and said
thank you

we walked further down
until we came
to the gym
and sneaked in

one of the doors
it was empty
so we sat
on the one

of the benches
by the wall
didn't have time
for breakfast this morning

she said
my mother
was in one
of her moods

and I couldn't
put up
with her moans
so I came to school

early so now
I’m hungry
well have
this Wagon Wheel back

I don't need it
I said
no you have it
she said

why was your mother
in a mood?
I asked
she said my room

was untidy
and that I do nothing
about the house
and is it

and don't you?
I asked
it is
she said

and I don't
so she gets
all moody and moans
Christina bit

into the Wagon Wheel
and I ate mine
sunlight poured
into the high windows

of the gym
making patterns
on the floor
voices from outside

echoed
around the walls
after we had eaten
our sweets

she said
we have time
to kiss don't we?
I guess so

I said
she leaned in
and kissed my lips
and I kissed hers

putting my arms
around her waist
just then
a prefect came in

one of the doors
and saw us
and said
what are you doing

in here?
you should be out
in the playground
or on the sports field

not in here
so we sighed
and went out
of the gym

and along
the corridor
the prefect shouting
at us from behind

our backs
but the kiss
still lingered
on my lips

warm wet and soft
and the prefect
didn't feel that
I bet.

Always read the small print, his father said,
That’s how they catch you out those bums,

They’ll hide things away in the small print
So you don’t notice the conditions, don’t

See how things apply which could affect
You and make it awkward for you, and

Remember son, his father went on, they’re
Always in it for the money, always out for

The profit, and his father sat back in his
Armchair and looked at his wife ironing

Over in the corner, and said, mind you get
All the creases out; I hate it when you leave

Creases in the **** sleeves, and his wife just
Looked at him and shook her head and sighed,

Knowing something within their outmoded
Love and overripe marriage had long ago died.

There was snow
right up to
the doorstep

ankle deep
even the
Downs had snow

still be school
Mother said
the school bus

will get through
-what a bore
I had thought-

and it did
right outside
the blue bus

so we got
on the bus
and it drove

through the snow
Jane was there
looking cold

by a side
window seat
I sat there

next to her
how are you?
feeling cold

she told me
yes me too
I replied

few flowers
to look at
everything

is covered
in this snow
she told me

but it was
good being
next to her

that perfume
of apples
her dark hair

and dark eyes
and her hand
holding mine

out of sight
gently so
on that bus

in the snow.

Your sister called her
the girl in the red beret

and there she was
in the outdoor

swimming pool
in the park

her gran sitting
in the stands knitting

and Janice saw you
and said

Fancy seeing you here
can you swim?

You stood
in the shallow end

of the pool
in your blue trunks

looking at her wet fair hair
clinging to her body

and her eyes bright
in the sun’s afternoon light

No not so far
you replied

I can
she said shaking water

from her hair and head
I can swim the length

and back almost
you looked over

at Jimmy in the pool
talking to friends

she touched your hand
and said

I can show you
how to swim

and she smiled
and you felt her hand

on yours and hoped
Jimmy wasn’t looking

seeing her touch you
Maybe another time

you said
pulling your hand away

and plunging it
into the water

I’ve got to go
you said

my friends
are waiting for me

and she looked at you
her eyes now sad

and she said softly
No stay with me

I like it
when you are near me

and she stood there
in her pink swimsuit

her hair sticking
to her face

her eyes watery and blue
and gazing hopefully

(the noise and laughter
from the pool

momentarily shut off)
at seven year old you.

She had taken you
to a field
near her father's house
you could see it

as you lay
in the tall grass
the summer school recess
having begun

the brain washing
over for a while
and Judith said
I had to sneak away

before Mother got me
into chores and such
and she glanced over
at the house

with her big blue eyes
glad we're here
you said
touching her hand

your finger running
along her soft skin
if she'd seen me
it would have been

just do this
or just do that
and the morning
would have gone

and you
would have waited
and waited
like a spare *****

at a wedding
as my brother
often says
she said

without turning
her head
she lay back
on the grass

her brown hair
spread amidst the green
you gazed at her eyes
looking up at you

and that smile
beginning to open
and her words
waiting to spring out

I'd have waited
you said
spare *****
or whatever

and she laughed
and as she laughed
you loved her more
and kissed her forehead

and her cheek
and moving lips
and still she laughed
and said

sorry can't help it
it's the way
you said it
and her laughter

frightened birds
into flight
and the echo
of her laughter

almost reached
the house you imagined
and saw
in your mind's eye

her mother looking
towards the field
hearing the echo
of laughter

and she frowning
her thin lips tightening
she imagining
whatever

her worse fears were
(****** not ******)
up there in the field
but looking over

at the house
it sat still and silent
with no one looking out
or over

her mother not knowing
where her daughter was
being kissed and such
beautifully in the tall clover.

We stopped in the porch
of the church
as the others had
gone into the church
for choir practice

the moon was bright
stars sprinkled
we were shadowy
in the porch
light and darkness

Yehudit was breathing heavy
sounding out of breath
not often we get
to be alone
she said

no guess not
I said

she looked out
at the moon
hearing the voices
of the others
becoming distant

you do love me
don't you?
she said
looking back at me

sure I do
I said

do you mean it?
she asked

of course I do
wouldn't say it
otherwise
I said

she looked at me
her eyes
were half hidden
in the semi dark

you seem to avoid me
at school
she said
even in class
you seldom
look my way

I pondered
on her words
she was right
I didn't peer
in her direction
in class
or seek her
out much at school
unless we were on
the sports field
if the weather was good

I’m with Rolland a lot
we have a laugh
can't get
into this romance thing
in class
anyway you're one side
of the class
and I’m the other

but you could
still look at me
and smile
when I do
she said

I do smile

not often
not enough

I blew you a kiss
the other day
I said

I missed that

you turned your head
at the wrong minute
it hit the back
of your head

I feel neglected
she said
I loved you
the first time
I saw you that day
you started at our school
I loved you
from the first moment

I gazed
at the showy outline
of her hair
untidy as usual
her breath
like shallow smoke
in the air
I noticed
I said
your eyes seldom
left that first day

do you love me?
she said

sure I do
I said

there were voices
coming from the church
singing had begun

we're going to be late
I said

kiss me

I kissed her
we hugged
we kissed again
then taking my hand
she pulled me
into the evening
and into the rain.

I see Jane
on the bus
Saturday

shopping day
with her mum
at the front

I take in
her dark hair
long and loose

her summer
flowered dress
how she moves

with the bus
side to side
I wish that

I was there
beside her
our bodies

touching each
arm to arm
but she is

at the front
and I am
at the back

with others
mentally
I begin

from my palm
to blow her
a hot kiss

hoping she
will get it
on her neck

or cheek and
it not miss.

Jodie has finally fallen asleep.
Isis looks at lights moving
over the ceiling. Can hear

the breathing, the in and
out of breath. She can feel
the body just behind hers,

the hand placed on her hip,
the knees drawn up, touching
her back. Jodie and her always

need of ***. The age difference
beginning to show, she becoming
more tired more slow. Even

now she feels a guilt rise in her
like bile, the days back when
Jodie entered her bed for that

first time at the private school,
Jodie’s hands out to reach her,
she a pupil, Isis a first time teacher.

Jodie moves in her sleep, her
hand slips from the hip, rests
on the sheet. Isis watches the

patterns of light on the ceiling play.
Years ago all that. None knew,
none found out. The shared bed,

much against her conscience,
but her conscience lost, the love
and lust set in. Isis reflects, the

lights play on, the patterns move.  
Each part of her touched, kissed,
Held, licked and ******. Well and

truly loved, well and truly ******.  
Back then the tense fear and need
on both sides, the excitement

of the deeds done, fear of exposure,
the secret meetings, the passing
over of messages in corridors, quick

kisses in doorways, in those days.
Isis lies on her back, hands on her
breast, eyes watching the patterns

dance on the ceiling’s screen. Just
once more, Jodie had said, wanting
*** and kisses as before. Now all

done and time for rest, all thoughts
pushed away, closes her eyelids
like shutters on another full day.

Is she in love with you
or what? Reynard said

indicating across
at the girl

at the other side
of the classroom

every time I look up
she’s peering over

here like some hawk
after prey

he added
and you guessed

she was
but didn’t say

to Reynard
who thought

all thoughts on love
were dumb

or should be left
between pages

of Shakespeare
or Keats

or maybe just
a cover word for

a fumble behind
bike sheds or woods

maybe she just likes
the way I comb my hair

you replied
looking down

at the science book
open on the desk

and by the way
he said

how much grease
you got on your hair

you look like
you fell in the **** jar?

Tooley the science teacher
looked your way

and Reynard clamped up
and began writing

in his book
and in between

scribbling words
in the exercise book

you glanced over at her
and took in her eyes

and that smile of hers
and smiled kind of

weakly back
and she mouthed

something to you
her lips making odd shapes

like some fish
out of water

and you tried to lip read
but it didn’t make sense

so you just nodded
and hoped you’d not agreed

to anything
that her scary mother

wouldn’t agree to
and then looked away

back to the science book
and life dull

and uninteresting books
full of boring questions

and Tooley at front
of the class

writing on the board
her fat *** moving

as she wrote
like some aging stripper

on her last show
and outside

the window
grey clouds

carrying
heavy snow.

You want to see him
Now? The receptionist
Asked. Yes, this minute,
You replied. What’s it

About? None of your
Concern. I think I need
To know before I can
Interrupt him. You need

To know jackshit. There
Was a staring of eyes.
Hesitation. A looking
Down at the phone, a

Scratching of forehead
Dislodging flakes of dry
Skin. Is it that important?
Maybe you could give

Me some idea what you
Need to see him about?
***, you mutter. ***?
Yes, he came around

To my place last night
And after a real good
Session lasting until
The small hours he up

And left without so
Much as a goodbye kiss
Or whispered word. That
Right? Yes, you said. I’ll

Get him right away, I
Wanted to know where
The heck my husband
Was last night and now

I know. Are you sure
Want to see him now?

You want to see him
Now? The receptionist
Asked. Yes, this minute,
You replied. What’s it

About? None of your
Concern. I think I need
To know before I can
Interrupt him. You need

To know jackshit. There
Was a staring of eyes.
Hesitation. A looking
Down at the phone, a

Scratching of forehead
Dislodging flakes of dry
Skin. Is it that important?
Maybe you could give

Me some idea what you
Need to see him about?
***, you mutter. ***?
Yes, he came around

To my place last night
And after a real good
Session lasting until
The small hours he up

And left without so
Much as a goodbye kiss
Or whispered word. That
Right? Yes, you said. I’ll

Get him right away, I
Wanted to know where
The heck my husband
Was last night and now

I know. Are you sure
Want to see him now?

(2010 POEM)

Two monks,
black robed,
picked fruit

in the abbey gardens,
tonsured,
crown of thorns.

I turned the pages
of the breviary,
Latin words,

red ended pages,
black cover,
heavy,

psalms,
prayers,
Gospel excerpts.

The old peasant monk,
smiled toothless at the camera,
a world away,

all things,
he said,
is to pray.

It is you
whom I seek
in the long hours
of the night.

It is you
whom I wait for
in the dawn’s
dull light.

It is your voice
I listen for
in all bird’s song;
thought you
were for always;
I was wrong.

I want to hear
your laughter,
chuckle and wit,
but though I listen,
there’s not one bit.

There is
the loud laughter
of world and ways,
and pointless chat;
but we close it off;
want none of that.

I feel along the clothes
that you once wore;
but nothing is the same
as it was before.

His ashes are here,
the dame said,
soft tones,
but blunt words,
reminding me,
that you are dead.

Sure the world goes on,
turns blindly
on its way,
come night
dark and cold,
come dull day.

Sure the days will pass
and others’ appetites
and passions burn,
but it is you,
and your being
here again,
for which,
my son,
I yearn.

It rained
and Janice and I
stood under
the railway bridge

in Arch Street
with the coal wharf
on the left
the bomb site

on the right
the cobbled road
shining with the rainfall
horse drawn

coal wagons waiting
for the sacks
to be filled
a weak sun overhead

how long
will it last?
Janice asked
don't know

I said
looks like it's here
for a while
she looked up

at the darkening sky
Gran will be angry
if I’m late for lunch
she said

you have a choice
I said
go and get wet
but be on time

for lunch
but then Gran
will be angry
if I get my clothes wet

she said
well there you go
I said
what do you want

to get told off
for getting wet
or being late?
Janice ******* up

her nose
and put out a hand
to feel how
wet it was

it's quite heavy
she said
what shall I do?
either way

you'll get scolded
I said
she stood
with her hands

enfolding her arms
as if she were cold
I could come with you
I said

and explain
to your gran
Janice looked uncertain
what will your mother say

if you're late for lunch
or if you get wet?
she asked
nothing much

she’s used to me
getting wet
or being late
I said

the rain
came down harder
the sky got darker
the horses

on the wagons
became unsettled
let's go
I said

let's run
let's see
what happens
and so I took

her hand
and we ran out
into the pouring rain
through puddles

of water
over the cobbles
the rain soaking
into our clothes

and hair
her hand
still in mine
damp and slippery

getting
wet wet wet
I thinking
of what's for lunch?

and she thinking
of getting scolded
or spanked
I bet.

It's a fish
for God's sake
Anne said

seeing the
excitement
from the kids

having found
a dead fish
on the beach

and the nun
with them said
we could have

it for tea
or supper
there were cheers

from the kids
walking back
to the home

listen Kid
Anne said
if they think

I'm eating
that dead fish
they can go

**** themselves
the Kid looked
at the fish

being held
by its tail
by the nun

the dead eyes
staring out
don't eat it

Anne said
don't like it
swinging there

the dead eyes
the Kid said
pushing up

the pathway
the wheelchair
with Anne

inside it
him gazing
at her leg

and the gap
beside it
where her lost

leg had been
and the stump
lying there

visible
where her skirt
had risen

don't eat it
that dead fish
Anne said

no I won't
the Kid said
looking past

Anne's head
at the fish
swinging there

cold and dead.

They've sent
the wrong size windows
my father said
now it will put us

behind on this block
of the building
we'll have to go
the other side

he said
I picked up
his tool bag
and we trudged

through the other
workmen on the various
landings
passed the grumpy

foreman
(whom my father
almost punched
the other day)

and along
the other side
I was thinking
of Marion

my blonde haired
love
who sang
with a band

and was a live-wire
and who had
sang to me
the previous night

Baby It's Cold Outside
in such tones
to send sparks
through my ears

and heart
and veins
and as I sat
and watched her

she swaying her hips
and throwing wide
her arms and hands
I wondered how

she'd be
making love
to me
but I daren't

say or ask
oh
she'd say
as she did

a few weeks before
I can't go to bed
with a man
unless I have

a ring on my finger
and the sound
of wedding bells
in my ears

be like having
a peek at one's
birthday present
before one's birthday

and she giggled
and sang
and I gawked at her
and mused

at the sway
of her hips
and the hot
singing words

from her two
red lips.

They met in the Square. Weather warm and sun sticky. Hannah was in her short dress and sandals. Benedict in jeans and tee shirt and black plimsolls. It was Saturday and they'd decided to give the morning matinee a miss and go elsewhere. We can go and paddle on the side of the Thames, she said. Can we? He asked. Sure we can. He wasn't sure. Is it wise? He said, what with all the crap that's put in? She looked at him. We're not to drink the water, just paddle in it. It's water, not **** pool, she said. Won't we need towels? No, our feet'll dry in the sun. She eyed him. How old are you? Twelve, he said. Not a baby, then? She said. No, he replied. We're both twelve, she said, so let's go get our feet wet. What did your mum say when you told her where you were going? I didn't, Hannah said. Why not? He said. Because she'd have said:Ye cannae gang in th' Thames. So I didn't tell her. What did you say? He asked. Said I was going to see boats on the Thames. What did she say to that? Benedict asked. Dornt faa in th' water, she said. Benedict laughed at Hannah's mocking her mother's Scottish dialect. What did you say to her? Hannah pulled a straight face, stern features. I said, Ah willnae. He laughed again. Right let's be off, she said. They walked out of the Square and up Meadow Row. Did you tell your mum where you were going? Hannah asked. Just said I was going out with you, he said. What did your mum say? Hannah asked. She said ok and be careful, he replied. They walked to the bus stop and got a bus to South Bank. The bus was crowded. They sat at the back on side seats. A plump man next to Hannah wiggled up close to her; his thigh touched hers. She felt uncomfortable. He smelt of sweat and cigarette smoke. She was glad when they got off. She stared at him and mumbled, ye mingin prat. Benedict said, what? Not you, that prat on the bus, touching me, she said. Benedict watched the bus go. You should have said, he said, we could have got him thrown off the bus. Too much hassle, she said. They walked along by the Thames, looking down at the water. Looks too high, Benedict said. Maybe later, she said. So they lay side by side on the grass by the Thames and enjoyed the sun.  Her fingers touched his. They were warm and dampish. He sensed her fingers against his. They turned and faced each other, finger still touching. Do you like me? She asked. Of course I do, he replied. She eyed him. I think of you a lot, she said. Do you? He said. She nodded. Yes, quite a bit, she said. O, right, he said, looking at her, taking in her darkish eyes and her hair in a ponytail. Have you ever kissed a girl before? She asked. He looked past her at the passing people. A man with a dog stared at them. I kissed my aunt once, he said, looking at her again. No, I meant a girl, not a relative, Hannah said. He thought, searching through his memory files. Don't think so, he said. Couldn't have been very good if you can't remember, she said. He never made a habit of kissing girls: other boys frowned on such behaviour. He had kissed a girl with one leg once at a nursing home when he was eleven. A year ago, yes, he said, I kissed a girl with one leg a year or so ago. Where did you kiss her? Hannah asked, her leg? He smiled. No,on her cheek, he replied, remembering. Why did you kiss her? Hannah asked. She said I could. She was twelve and big and had just the one leg. Hannah looked at him. Took in his quiff of hair, the hazel eyes and the Elvis smile-she'd seen a photo in a magazine of Elvis Presley and loved the smile- and the set of his jawline. Do you kiss any girl with one leg? She asked.  No, he said, just that one time. She looked at him, her fingers beginning to squeeze his. Would you kiss me? She asked. He hadn't thought about it. Hadn't entered his mind. Did you want me to? He said. Do you want to, she replied. What would your mum say? She'd say: whit ur ye kissin' fur? . He laughed. It tickled him when she said spoke her mother's dialect. He looked at her face. Where? He said. Where what? She said. Kiss you? Where shall I kiss you? He said, feeling shy all of a sudden. Where did you want to kiss me? He looked away. Crowds were passing by on the South Bank. Don't know, he said, looking back at her. She sighed. Looked at him. Squeezed his fingers tighter. I'll kiss you, then, she said. She leaned close to him and kissed his cheek. It was a short kiss. He sensed it: warm and wet. Was that it? He mused. She lay there staring at him. Well? What do you think of that? She said. He wasn't sure. It felt all right. It was ok, he said. Just ok? She said, looking at him. He nodded. She drew him closer to her and kissed his lips and pressed long and hard. He panicked briefly as if he'd not breathe again, but he relaxed as her lips became glued to his, and he closed his eyes, and felt a mild opening in himself and he breathed through his nose. As she kissed him, her lips pressing on his, she felt a warm feeling rise through her body as she'd not felt before. It felt unreal. Felt as if she'd entered another body and was a spectator in a game. She pulled away from his lisp and stared at him. How was that? Sh asked. He lay there his eyes closed as if dazed. He opened his eyes. Gosh, he breathed rather than said. She blew out and lay back on the grass. He lay back, too. What would your mum say if she saw us kissing? She smiled and said, lae heem aloyn ye dornt ken whaur he's bin. Benedict laughed and closed his eyes trying to picture Mrs Scot saying it. What does it mean? He asked laughing. Leave him alone you don't know where he's been, she said smiling. She turned and looked at him again. He turned and gazed at her. The laughter died away. How do you feel? She asked. Feel about what? He said. No, how do you feel inside? She said. He didn't know. It was new to him this kissing. He sighed. Don't know. How about you? He said. Tingly, she said in reply. Inside me. My body tingled. Is that a good thing? He asked, uncertain of these matters. I don't know, she said, looking at him. Do you want to paddle in the Thames? He asked. No, not now, she said, I want to kiss again. They lay there gazing each other. Let's go elsewhere though, she suggested. Where? He asked. St James's Park, she suggested, we can get a bus there. Ok, he said. So they walked to the bus stop and got a bus to St. James's Park. It was crowded. People everywhere: walking, sitting, lying down, running. They both sat on then grass, then after a few minutes, they lay on the grass. Hannah stared at him. He looked at her eyes. She moved forward and kissed his lips. Pressed them, breathing through her nose, closed her eyes. He closed his eyes as she closed her eyes. His lips felt hers. Warming, pressing, wettish, her tongue touching his just on the tips. He felt as if suddenly as if he were falling and then he opened his eyes and she had moved away from him. Well? She said, how was that? He sensed his lips slightly bruised, but warm and he felt unusually alive. She gazed at him. She felt opened up as if someone had unzipped her and exposed her. It was good, he said, taking hold of her hand, holding it against his cheek. She sighed, it was  good, but it felt surreal, as if it had been a dream, not real, not her kissing. It was, she said, still kissing him inside of her twelve her old head.

I've been waiting
all morning
all through boring
brain-muddling lessons
to see you
Yiska says

as I go onto
the school sports field
during lunch recess

and I was hoping
against hope
that it wouldn't rain
and keep us indoors

well I’m here now
I say
let's go walk together
up field

so we walk pass
boys kicking ball
and girls skip-roping
or sitting in groups
talking and laughing

and she says
if my mother moans
one more time
about my room
being untidy
I’m going to spit blood
after all
it's my room
my mess
you’ve been in there
that time
do you think
it's so messy?

I could live with it
I guess

well there you go
that's it
living with it
but no
my mother
has to have a go
your room's so untidy
what will
the neighbours say?
she says
the neighbours
aren't going to see
my **** room
I tell her

we reach the upper fence
of the field
and stop
and turn around
and look at the kids
on the field
and the school
in the background

how's your room?
she asks

it's ok
I share with my brother
we keep it tidyish

she looks at me
wish you could come
to my room again

maybe I will
when you invite me
one lunch time
I say

I will ask my mother
when she's in
her upper mood

she looks at the field
and kids

no one's looking

and she kisses me
and I sense a slit
in the universe
and a sliver of light
open up
inside my head
and stirs me
else place
as no doubt
she can see
on my young face.

I was looking
at the books;
nothing
in particular wanted,
just browsing
the shelves, titles,
authors names,
colour and pattern
of the book covers.

Then some dame comes,
picks out a book,
opens it,
has a look,
mumbles
a few words
(poem I think),
then takes the book
to the counter,
pays and sways
her hips out of there.

I pick out
a Bukowski
poetry book,
have a look,
read a few poems,
have a laugh
(the humour
of that guy),
think I’ll buy.

I go to the counter,
and still
the perfume
of the dame lingers.

I hold
the Bukowski book
in my hand
brushing the cover
with my ageing fingers.

I wish we could be
alone more
Yiska said
we sat looking across

the playing field
school in the distance
modern building
glass and brick

and concrete
me too
I said
the sun allowed us this

if it had rained
we would not
have been here
sitting on the field

we'd be stuck inside
the hall
kicking our heels
or classrooms

doing puzzles
or games in boxes
boys kicked *****
girls sat talking

in groups
loud laughter
there are always eyes
out here

she said
tongues wag
gossip starts
I dreamed of you

last night
I said
I dreamed we were alone
in my room

side by side
in my bed
I wish I shared
that dream

she said
I dreamed
of my mother
and her low mood

and her moaning
about my room
and the untidiness
and she jabbing

my back
with each word
some boy scored a goal
between coats

on the field
and boys yelled
what did we do?
she asked

leaning closer
when?
I said
in your dream

she said
I don't know
I said
I woke up

and left the dream
in my head.

The hay barn was warm
and silent
and it was out
of the rain

and we could look out
and see the rain
falling heavily
on the land outside

just in time
Jane said
we would
have got drenched

I smelt the farm
from where we were
the cows
the dung

the air
birds outside calling
we came in here
once before

I said
she looked at me
then back
into the interior

of the barn
yes I know
but we weren’t
alone then

the other kids
made it seem
more a playground
than a place

we could be
on our own
I caught a glimpse
of her grey dress

the wellington boots
her dark hair damp
from the sudden downpour  
barns have their own

particular smell
I said
she looked at me
with her dark blue eyes

best not
let the cowmen
see us in here
or tongues will talk

she said
what about?
I said
seeing rooks take off

from the tops
of the tall trees
a boy and girl
in a hay barn

gives people
the wrong impression
of matters
I sensed an apple smell

freshly picked
what impression?
you know
that those two people

are doing things
I looked at the grey sky
the Downs were
greying green

kissing?
I said
that and other things
she said shyly

the cowman’s daughter
up the lane
is pregnant
and they came in here

I thought now
that the apple smell
came from her
fresh apple scent

I breathed her in secretly
I heard about that
my mother said something
to my father over dinner

in hushed talk
but I heard them
what’s that
got to do with us?

I said
taking the apples
in my mind
and holding them

in my hands
wanting to bite
into each
nothing as long

as we’re just being us
and not otherwise
my mother likes you
Jane said

she has a good eye
for people
I nodded
uncertain what to say

still it rained
and there was
the strong smell
of warm hay

Those are Bullfinch’s eggs
Jane said
pointing at
the 5 eggs

in a nest
hidden in a hedge  
and as she pointed
you imagined

that some god
modelled all female fingers
on that before you
how the nail was set

so perfectly
on the finger’s tip
the colour pinkish white
the skin almost blending in

we mustn’t disturb
she added
or the mother bird
will fly away

and not return
oh right
you said
gazing at the eggs

once her finger
had been removed
from the hedge
you studied

the pale blue eggs
speckled there
and sensed her presence
near your cheek

the lavender
that she wore
the way her hair dark
coming to her shoulders

was tied back
from her face
some collect them
Jane said

and pierce the top
and bottom
and blow through the contents
and have them on display

do they?
you said
seeing the sad expression
she wore

why is that?
you asked
she stood back
from the hedgerow

and looking at you
with her dark eyes
said
because they must have

they have to collect
what is there
for all to see
they must just have

for themselves alone
the May sun
was shining warm
and she took your hand

in hers and walked
you on along the lane
the small stream running
by the lane’s edge

her grey skirt
and white blouse
and white socks
giving her a plain look

but her eyes lit up
and she smiled again
and you wanted
at that moment

as she held your hand
for that hour
to be there forever
not to be lost

thinking you knew then
the depth of love
and not its loss
of that

and feeling sense
and not the cost.

Jane helped me
get the cows in
from the field
towards the farm

up the narrow
country lane
high hedgerows
birds singing

rooks above our heads
making a terrible noise
she had her black hair
tied back

with a yellow ribbon
the flowery dress
and black boots
dressed her feet

saw a wren's nest
up there
I said
indicting a place

up in the hedgerow
above
the small stream
you didn't disturb it

did you?
she said
no just saw it
and took

a mental picture
of it
she smiled
some boys about

disturb the nests
and take the eggs
for their collection
she said

they should
know better
she added
as we drove

the cows up
towards the farm track
you've taken
to the country

well for a London boy
she said
it was
a big culture shock

I said
but I like it now
she looked at me
with her dark eyes

she patted
the rear of a cow
in front of her
my mother likes you

she said
does she?
I asked
yes she says you're

different
from the other
boys about here
what's so different

about me?
I asked
you're trustworthy
Mother said

she doesn't mind me
being with you
I nodded my head
and looked

at her hands
slender
white
and the nails

well kept
she doesn't know
about the kiss?
I said

Jane smiled
no but there's
no harm in that
the kiss I mean

if Mother asked me
I’d tell her
but no harm done
I could still taste

the kiss on my lips
my lips' memory
had stored it away
for keeps

warm and wet
her lips and mine
my hand
on the small

of her back that time
we drove the cows
into the farm yard
and into

the milking sheds
where we helped
the cowmen
to set up

the machines and feed
I watched her
out of the corner
of my eye

taking in
her figure
the way she stooped
her hair

and how her hands
touched the cows gently
wishing that her hands
would touched me

as tenderly
maybe she will
I inwardly said  
taking in

her total being
into my 13 year old head.

I saw Jane
by the water tower
in Bugs Lane
I had come from home

after helping my father
saw logs in the shed
she looked pretty
in the sunlight

her dark hair
seemed aglow
and as I approached
she smiled

and it pinched me
inside in a way
I couldn't fathom
she had a book

in her hand
and swung it
back and forth
like a priest swung

the thurible at church
what have got there?
I asked
as I was by her side

it's a book
on British butterflies
she said
showing me

the book cover
which had various
butterfly pictures
on the front and back

thought we may go look
for some of them
she said
it's Daddy's

but he said
I could borrow it
ok
I said

that'll be good
-but being with her
was the real joy
just breathing in

her presence
her fresh apple smell
was the real goodness-
so we walked up

the pathway up
to the Downs
trees on either side
keeping out

the hot blaze
of the sun
for a while
except where it

broke through
overhead branches
and there were birds singing
and flights of birds

crossing over
and above us
are you all right?
she asked

-Lizbeth was unmentionable
between us now
we just never
spoke of her-

sure I'm fine
I said
collecting chalk fossils
you know

the ones inside
rock chalk
found two shells
inside one last week

that's good
you'll have to show me
she said
they're in my show tank

I said
along with animal bones
and skeletons of birds
in my room

have to ask
your mother
if I can see them
with you

she said
as we walked past
the big hollow tree
-yet when Lizbeth

came to my room
a while back
she never thought
to ask my mother

if she could go
to my room-
after a while
we broke out

into the open
and the sunshine
warmed us
and it was like

being born again
up there on the Downs
the grass
and the flowers

and shrubbery
and I liked being there
beside her
in fact it was

a love thing
just being there
let alone being there
looking out

for butterflies
she was
the butterfly beauty
in my eyes.

And Jane held the butterfly
in the palms of her hands
gently opening up
a mere gap
so that you could glimpse it

it tickles
she said
and she laughed
and that aspect of her

thrilled you
the way she held
her head to one side
her eyes in wonderment

of the captured butterfly
her soft hands
as if she were caressing
the head of a first born

see?
she said
see its beautiful colouring
and you glimpsed

the bright colours
it's a Peacock butterfly
she said
and she stood there

on the narrow road
to Diddling Church
in the grey dress
with yellow flowers

and the muddy shoes
and white socks
her hands opening
and you both watched

as the butterfly
fluttered off
across the hedgerow
out of sight

one of God's treasures
my father calls them
she said
still gazing where

the butterfly had been
a butterfly was a butterfly
to you
fresh from London

unused to the country fare
the clean air
the wide expanse of space
did you see many

butterflies in London?
she asked
guess so
you said

can't say I paid them
much mind
you are funny
she said

all this beauty
and it doesn't strike you?  
you stared at her
standing there

her eyes wide open
her hands gesturing
as if to include
all about her

her dark hair
neatly brushed
her dark eyes
focusing on you

getting to me
each time I'm with you
and you explain things
you said

she smiled
and o that
really held you
in a sway that smile

that spread of lips
come on
she said
let's go look

at the gravestones
in the church yard
and so you followed her
up the narrow road

feeling the warm sun
of the Saturday afternoon
wanting to hold her hand
feel her fingers

in yours
sense the smoothness
feel her pulse of life
and you entered

through the wooden gate
along the stones
which made a path
the tombstones

high and low
chiselled names and dates
she stood by the church wall
and stared at the

beyond the hedge
you stood next to her
and touched her hand
with yours

your fingers touching
warm
soft
and she looked at you

and said
you can kiss me
if you like
and stood there waiting

and you unsure
wanting to but shy
not wanting
to mess things

or get it wrong
but you kissed her cheek
and then her lips
holding her

feeling her arms
about you
and you sensed
her waist slim

your fingers touching
and lips to lips
o God
you mused

confused
moved apart
she smiling
you uncertain

and she said
my mother likes you
says you're different
from the local boys

something that sets
you apart
you frowned
and said

am I?
kiss good
she said
not greedy

or too passionate
or too sensuous
but like holding
that butterfly just now

something tickled
inside me
she said
you gazed

into her dark eyes
as a Peacock
butterfly
fluttered overhead.

We ran
into the large
hollowed out tree
half way up

the Sussex Downs
to get out
of the downpour of rain
we were drenched

our clothes hung on us
as if plastered
to our skins
her hair flattened

to her skull
or hung down
like rat's tails
touching

her damp shoulders
I felt the wet
tee-shirt
cling to my chest

as I moved
looking out
of a hole
at the side

of the tree
into the trees around
and the grey sky
through tall branches

above
didn't expect that
I said
smelling her scent

as she moved nearby
just as well
this tree was near
or we'd be worse

than we are now
Jane said
she brushed down
her soaking

flowered dress
with her hands
her white socks
and black shoes

looked bright
in the half light
what are we going
to do now?

I asked
wait until it stops
she said
maybe it was just

a passing shower
she looked out
at the glimpse
of sky

grey and dull
we'll catch a death
in these wet clothes
I said

they'll dry on us
she said
I could feel
the water squelch

in my shoes
as I pushed
my toes down
I guess soldiers

in World War One
had this problem
in the trenches
I said

wetness and such
feeling cold
and of course
they had bombs

and rats
and shells
and bullets whizzing
by the head

I guess
one should
be stoic
she said

after all
the rain will go
and we can
at least

go home and dry
and change
into other clothes
I don't feel stoic

I said
I feel
like a drenched dog
she looked at me

and laughed
you look
like a drenched dog
she said

her dress clung
to her body
revealing
her figure

showing each aspect
of her form
she looked up
at the sky

looks like
it may be
about to stop
she said

and as she moved
nearby me
a brush of her arm
sent tingles

along my nerves
thrilling me
but causing
an odd alarm.

It's a Holly Blue
Jane mused
watching the butterfly
flutter past

sitting on the Downs
not seen one for ages
she thought
seeing it flutter

over the ground
then up and up
then downward go
the other day

it'd been
the Dingy Skipper
fluttering past
her head

as she sat and thought
on Benedict
the London boy
who'd come and lived

by the Downs
with his parents
and whom she liked
and secretly

she mused
she loved -
not telling him
as such-

yes the Holly blue
how it thrilled her
watching it flutter
on its way

unaware she watched
its flight and journey
in its insect world
then it had gone

from sight -
she must tell Benedict
she mused-
a Tortoiseshell

fluttered past
the meadow grass
if only Benedict was here
she said

inside her head
missing his arm
looped through hers
his melodic voice

his hazel eyes
and quiff of hair
if only she mused
he was there.

Jane looks confused.

I kissed her
when I met her
by the water tower
in Bugs Lane.

Why did you
kiss me?

She's wearing
her grey dress
and cardigan;
her eyes look at me.

Impulse,
I didn't think,
I say,
presumptuous of me.

Presumption
is like a kind of theft.  

Sorry,
should have asked.

She looks over
the hedge
towards the farm,
then back at me.

I wasn't expecting it,
but it was nice.

I feel like a ****;
I look at her
dark hair
long and untied
by ribbons
as she does sometimes.

If you'd been a peach
I’d have nibbled.

She smiles
and looks up
towards the Downs.

A blue tractor
is climbing upward.

I hope he's careful,
she says,
a tractor driver
was killed
a few months ago
doing that;
he was crushed
beneath the machine.

I look at the tractor.

He seems competent.

So did the one killed;
my father had
to comfort the widow
and perform
the funeral service.

I take her in
side ways on:
her complexion is pale,
her lips
a washed out pink.

Maybe I can show you
his grave
in the churchyard.

Ok,
I say.

Churchyard viewing
is not
my favourite pastime,
but if I’m with her
I don't mind
watching paint dry.

I want to kiss her again,
but feel unsure.

Sorry about
the presumptuous kiss.

She looks at me.

Imagine I'm a peach,
she says.

I kiss, not nibble;
we kiss
and she nibbles
my lip with her lips.

I feel electricity
tingle my finger tips.

And Jane shows me
a sparrowhawk in the sky
hovering there
powerful and merciless

made to ****
like a flying
machine of death
so I'd read

in a book on birds
I'd bought
they ****
she says

but that's their nature
but there's beauty
there up there
in the air

I stand beside her
feeling her
presence near
her hand close

to mine
her dark hair
blowing in the wind
as we watch

the hawk hovering
there against
the wind's pull
and push

her dark eyes
holding on
to the sight
then it dives

and whoosh and zip
a bird has been snatched
and of and away
and we watch

both sad and thrilled
not by the killing
but by the show
of skill and flight

she looks at me
and says
glad I'm not
a small bird

waiting to be taken
like that
but as Daddy says
all things are

in God's hands
I say nothing
just want to hold
her hand and feel

her warmth
and skin and pulse
we walk on
across the field

her hand just
touching mine
skin on skin
the wind moving us

on like two birds
in flight
not towards a death
or dying

but hopefully
to a love
or deeper love
worth trying.

Down the lane
behind the cottage
where you lived
you walked with Jane

the summer sun
beaming down
the birds in song
cows mooing

from the fields beyond
I can’t believe
you actually got
the cows in

the other day
she said
you a London boy
her eyes focused on you

her lips in smile
it was fun
you said
the cow man was helping me

of course but he said
I did well
she knelt down
by the small running stream

along the lane
you knelt beside her
she put her fingers
in the water

as it flowed through
her open fingers
you studied her fingers
and her hand

her face in profile
her dark hair
and her kneeling there
the smell of apples

and freshness
and you wanted
to kiss her
as she knelt

to put lips
to cheek
she broke the silence
what do you want to do

when you leave school?
she asked
the cowman asked me that
you said

what did you say?
she asked
said I wanted
to be a cowman

she smiled
what did he say?
he said want to get yourself
a proper job sonny

don’t to want to get stuck
on a farm all your life
what did you say?
she said leaning closer

her arm touching yours
I just said I liked the work
you said
she nodded

and you sensed
her nearness
her knee near yours
she stood up

and so did you
and walked on
she talked
of her father’s work

and her mother’s ways
and how she thought
her mother liked you
and you listened

to her words
and wanted
to hold them
and frame them

and to place them
in your heart
and mind
for always

the lane
the stream
the bird song
the long summer days.

And she wants to know
how I stuck that time
in London
and not the country

and why did I
not want to be
in the countryside
and it is a sunny day

and clouds are so white
it seems as if an artist
has painted them
and as she speaks

I sense her there
beside me
and she talks
about how her father

manages the church
and how she first
remembered the walk
through snow

when she was young
and how her father
carried her
on his shoulders

and she saw
her first sparrowhawk
and how grand
and powerful it seemed

above them
and I want to be near her
to be able to breath
her in as we walk

and maybe hold
her hand
but I can't
bring myself

to reach out
unless she
does so first
not wanting to seem

presumptuous
or too forward  
and we walk
down the lane

beside my parent's cottage
and talk of London
and how there were
street lamps

and the trains moving
over the railway bridge
all night and coal trucks
being shunted

all the time night
and day
and the dust
of the coal

gets everywhere
but one doesn't notice
and she looks at me
and I want to swim

in her eyes
and she says glad
you're here now
and we are here together

and her hand
touches mine
and I want it
to be there always

her hand in mine
and know it won't
but wish it so
and wish I could

carry her
on my shoulders
through knee deep
white snow.

Jane sat on her haunches
and opened her hands
to show the butterfly

she had just captured
from a nearby flower
and said the name of it

but you were studying
her sitting there
the way she opened her hands

like some flower
in the morning light
spreading its petals

and her eyes bright
and deep
set on the wings

of the butterfly
and its opening
and closing of wings

and she smiled
and she said something else
but the words escaped you

not the tone or softness
of her voice
but the words

the structure
and meaning of them
and you looked

at her legs
spread downward
beneath

the summery dress
of red and orange
and the sun making

her warm
and you sitting there
wanting to lean forward

and touch her hands
maybe to stroke
the butterfly

but
no
she said

the wings are so delicate
they may damage
just look and see

and she moved her hands
closer to you
and you smelt her scent

the perfume
she said her mother
gave her

and you breathed it in
as you leaned forward
and the butterfly took off

and she watched it go  
and waved it goodbye
and then turned

and looked at you
and you felt a warm passion
flow through you

as she gazed
into your eyes
and spoke

but the words
slipped away
like the butterfly

but the perfume
was still there
and her hands closed

and she placed them
over yours
as you sat opposite

and the sun warmed
and blessed both
your heads

and the butterfly
disappeared over
the high hedge

and away
and her words
were lost to you

that moment
of that summery day.

You sat with Jane  
on the grass
in the field
beneath the Downs  

she was looking
at the sky
and you
were watching her

her profile
her hair pulled back
in a ponytail
her eyes bright

as new coins
her pale blue dress
and white ankle socks
and brown sandals

she followed a butterfly
fluttering by
a Gatekeeper
she said

where?
you said
there that butterfly
it’s called a Gatekeeper

you turned to watch
the butterfly
she had pointed to
as it fluttered off

down the field
stopping now and then
to land on flowers
I love butterflies

she said
how do you know
all their names?
you asked

I read Daddy’s books
he has a number of books
on butterflies and moths
she said

she lay back
on the grass
and stared
at the sky

you lay down
beside her
your hands
behind your head

she smelt of lavender
you noticed
you breathed it in
let it fill within you

don’t you read books?
she asked
turning to look at you
taking in your white shirt

and blue jeans
I’m reading a book on birds
you said
I bought it in town

the other week
that’s a start
she said smiling
I guess so

you said
I didn’t realize
there were so many kinds
she studied you

as you spoke
resting her head
on her hand
maybe we can go looking

for nests next year
when they begin
to nest again
she said

ok
you said
not to touch though
she said

just to look
birds don’t like
their nests disturbed
in London

we only have sparrows
and pigeons
you said
how boring

she said
you watched
her lips moving
as she spoke

her eyes on you
studying you
I’m glad you’re here
you said

glad to be here
she replied
she touched her fingers
to her lips

and blew you a kiss
and you did likewise
seeing a new world
in her deep dark eyes.

Jane waited for you
by the narrow road
that led to Linch farm

the water tower visible
against the afternoon sky
of pale blue and white

cold clouds
she was dressed
in a grey coat

and her dark hair
was pinned back
with grips

you noticed
blueness
about her lips

the cold taking toll
wasn’t sure
if you would show

she said
the coldness
and such

I said I would
and I say
what I mean

you replied
once you were close to her
she took her hands

out of the coat pockets
and linked her arm
through yours

where shall we go?
she asked
you know it better

around here than I do
you choose
you said

let’s go up
the dust track
to the hollow tree

on the way up
to the Downs
she said

ok
you said
and so you walked along

and up the dust track
side by side
and she talked

of the wintery trees
and what birds
there were still about

and how she liked
spring best with the coming
of flowers and birds nesting

and you listened
looking at her
as she spoke

watching her lips move
how when she spoke
her white teeth showed

and now and then
her tongue would show
and it reminded you

of that kiss she gave you
up by Diddling church  
as you stood looking

at the grave stones
and she gazed at you
and then kissed

and her tongue
touched yours
and it was like heaven

as if someone
had opened up
your heart

and stuck
their tongue in there
and as you thought

about that kiss
she talked of some girl
of a cowman

who’d got pregnant
and how did that happen?  
she asked

and you said nothing
but listened on
and then you reached

the hollow tree
and climbed inside
and sat down

looking out
of the hole
in the side

and it felt cosy
in there
like a small home

and she leaned
in against you
and there was silence

and you looked at her
at her eyes
and hair

and how her lips
were parted
and her white teeth

showed and her tongue
waiting to speak
and you wondered

about that kiss again
and whether
it would happen this time

there in the hollow tree
out of sight
of others

and she showed you
tucked between
her small *******

a small locket
which used to be
her mother’s.

Some one has destroyed
the robin’s nest
and stolen the eggs
Jane said

she leaned
into the hedgerow
beneath the streamlet
and parted the branches

her voice choked
as her fingers poked
about the damaged nest
you stood watching

behind her
over her shoulder
watching her fingers move
who’d do such a thing?

you asked
all gone
not an egg left
she said

in saddened tone
you leaned near her
smelt lavender water
she wore

her dark hair
pinned back
with metal grips
why destroy?

she said
why steal?
you sensed her sadness
felt her ache

and how
it would feel
she withdrew her hands
and wiped them

on her dull grey dress
and looked along the lane
and back at you again
who would do such things?

you asked
she looked at the hedgerow
that now concealed
the damaged nest

and said
father says
such are humankind
that seek and take

and leave all fouled
and lost and leave
to nature or to God
to mend and count

the cost
I saw the nest and eggs
last time we came
you said

the beauty of the eggs
and nest made neat
Jane walked on
along the lane

and you walked
beside her
her dull grey dress
swaying as he walked

her hand reached out
for yours
her fingers slim
unpainted nails

her thumb rubbed
against your hand’s skin
the sky
watercolour blue

with puffs of white
just the countryside
sans eggs and nest
and Jane and you.

Look at that Tortoiseshell
Jane said
as you stood
in the churchyard

of Diddling Church
you watched
the butterfly
pass by

and took in
its beautiful
colouring
don’t you just love butterflies?

she said
holding her hands
together as if
she were about

to pray
she was wearing
a short sleeved
flowery dress

and her dark hair
had a pink slide in it
which you gazed at
as she turned her head

to follow the progress
of the Tortoiseshell
along the sky
Never saw many butterflies

in the part of London
I came from
you said
mostly white things

with patterned wings
well now you can see
many different kinds
she said

turning to look at you
her eyes settling on you
like the butterfly had
on the flowers

in the churchyard
sure I can
you said
maybe I’ll get a book

on them
you added
she smiled
and came to you

and took your hand
and you sensed
her warmness
in your hand

felt her skin
touching yours
and she led you
over the grass

and you both lay down
a little distance
from the nearest
gravestone

and she said
my daddy says
the sky above
our heads

is the promise of Heaven
and you gazed at her
as she studied
the blue sky and white clouds

moving above
and you sighed softly  
at her nearness
and an unfathomable love.

Once you entered
Diddling’s small church
it cooled you both down
from the summer heat outside

Jane looked about her
she’d been here
many times before
but wanted to you show you

and let you feel
the coolness
and silence
and peacefulness

I came here first
as a child
she said
but more often at St Mary’s

at the other side
of the village
I wouldn’t have thought
any place could be

this quiet
you said
the church smelt
of flowers

and old plaster
some one had placed
a mixture of blooms
in the vase by the altar

she walked forward
her hand brushing
against the tops
of the wooden pews

on either side
one could get married here
she said
if you had few guests

and friends
you said
gazing at her dark hair
pulled tight

in a ponytail
tied with red ribbon
her light green dress
fitted loosely

her sandals held
her bare feet
maybe one wanted
few guests

maybe just a few witnesses
and the clergyman
she said softly
turning to look at you

her dark eyes
captured you
and held you fixed
for a few moments

one day perhaps
she said
doesn’t your father
come here?

you asked
occasionally if the need arises
she said
mostly he’s at

the other church
come and stand
at the front with me
she said

you walked towards her
watching her eyes
and her mouth
the lips slightly open  

you stood next to her
at the altar end
the light coming through
the high windows above

she smelt of lavender
you could breathe it in
your head swayed with it
imagine us here

she said
pretend it’s our
wedding day
and we are here

and the pastor
and a couple of people
as witnesses
she held your hand

in hers
her warm flesh
her thumb
on the back

of your hand
stroking slowly
would we sing hymns?
you asked

yes two
she said
closing her eyes
and we’ll pretend

the ***** played
at the start
and finish
she added

she sniffed the air
and plenty of flowers  
around us
and bridesmaids?

you said
she thought
in silence
for a few moments

yes two small girls
from the village
she said
her hand got warmer

the dampness
linked you
and who
will give you away?

you said
father of course
she said frowning
she opened her eyes

and looked at you
too many people
have come
she said

it crowds my mind
and dream
then let it just be us
and the parson

and two others
you said
she nodded and smiled
it’s good to pretend

and imagine
she said
maybe one day
it will be real

the sunlight played
and danced
upon the floor
at her feet

her thumb rubbed
deeper in to your skin  
and you both walked
down the aisle

in silence again
outside
came sound
of warm summer rain.

Jane is there
by the hedge
down the lane

dressed in grey
her black hair
hanging free
of ribbons

her dark eyes
focusing
as I walk
towards her

have you been
waiting long?
I asked her

no not long
she replies
watching birds
in her hedge
and the sky

been helping
my father
saw some logs
I tell her

let's go see
the empty
old cottage
she suggests

so we walk
down the lane

rooks above
making noise

running stream
beside us

other birds
are in flight
making song

I watch her
beside me

her grey dress
moving free
as she walks

her black hair
shoulder length

she smells of
fresh flowers

in some dreams
of my nights
she is there

and we kiss
and we run
through the fields

hands waving
to the rooks
in the sky

the empty
old cottage
stands silent
and we stare
in silence

all I want
is to kiss
her two lips
waiting there.

When she fainted
at the bus stop in the town
and others gathered

around her
you stood watching
anxious of her

being such
but not wanting others
to know of you and she

(her choice)
you stood looking
through the crowd

of what you could
of her
the glimpse

of black hair
the yellow flowered dress
a white sock

then she was up
and someone
brushed her off

Jane gazed at you
pale white
her lips bluish

her dark eyes
black olives
on white plates

and next day(Sunday)
after church
she walked over to you

and(no one noticing)
you and she wandered off
beyond the hedge

her father shaking hands
at the porch of church
her mother talking

of some fete
and the making of cakes
Jane taking your hand

settled by a higher hedge
and whispered
glad you never came

to me yesterday
when I fainted
that would have set

the tongues wagging
I thought that too
you said

she smiled
why did you faint?
you asked

not sure
Mum thinks
it's my time of month

or some such thing
you looked puzzled
unsure what her time

of month was
or what it meant
(13 years old

as both you were)
I see
you said

but didn't
anyway
she said

feel better today
and then she talked
of a butterfly she'd seen

sounding like
some lady or other
you stared at her

the eyes bright
the skin still pale
her hand in yours

the scent of apples
freshly picked
her warmth on yours

her words silk like
whispering to you
and you thought

of the Sunday before
the walk up the Downs
the hand in hand

kind of thing
you thinking
of her nearness

something stirring
within
and she talking

of the spread of flowers
colours
design

petals
and how bees
come and go

and you sensing
each touch of her
skin on skin

her thumb stroking
the back of your hand
then someone called her name

beyond the hedge
over from the church
and letting go

of your hand
she walked back
leaving you to stare

and wonder and wish
as you walked back
another way

the churchyard
with its many dead
the flowers

the smells of summer
and you watching
wanting her instead.

She's pointing
at some bird
on a pond
in a wood
half a mile
from the farm

a moorhen
she tells me

it walks odd
I reply

I like it
like its eggs
the colour
she relates

she's happy
her eyes bright

I watch her
her brown hair
the grey dress
the black boots
thin figure

Daddy says
all creatures
are God's gift

she watches
the moorhens
some swimming
some walking

she has fine
bone structure
a fine nose

I guess so
I reply

we walk near
her hand soft
white near mine
close to touch

don't suppose
a London
boy sees them?
she asks me

I haven't
before now
I tell her
just pigeons
and sparrows
in London
except parks
then there's ducks
and such things

she walks near
the pond's edge
be careful
she tells me
a child drowned
here last year

I gaze out
at the pond
imagining
the dead child

my father
said the prayers
at the church
afterwards
very sad
Jane says

she's buried
in the small
church's ground
I’ll show you
when we're there
the next time

I recall
the last time
at the church
in the grounds
watching clouds
overhead
laying down
with the dead.

Janette Richie
didn’t like you much  
as was shown

that time
in Mr Finn’s class
when she slapped

your face
for something you’d said
leaving you

with a spinning head
and a red cheek
but that aside

and her rather
plump frame
and maybe spectacles

you kind of like
her motherliness
the bossiness

around the class
the way she walked
the wiggly ***

but whatever it was
you’d said to her
to invite the slap

it was just a string
of words carrying
no malice or meaning

to hurt and the sensation
of her hand of flesh
touching your

young boy’s cheek
a nearness
she hadn’t thought on

or given any deeper
probe than the desire
to swipe an annoying boy

not realizing
that the gesture
and the plump hand

landing had more
than a momentary
feel or touch

you there after kind of
liked her in your
secret way

never repeating
the words said
about her plumpish

frame or swaying ***
or the spectacles
of thick glass

and maybe the other
boys laughed
and thought it some

joke of misjudgement
on your part  
but you found

a secret place for her
in your nine year old
heart.

She wore her red beret
at an angle
tilted slightly
her hair flowed

from the back
and sides
she had just ridden
my blue

two wheeled
scooter
then sat beside me
on the grass

the blue scooter
resting against the wall
I wonder if people hid
in the bomb shelters?

she said
if the air-raid sirens
went off they would
have done

I said
looking at the shelters
over the way
bet it was dark

in there and spiders
and such
she said
better than being

blown apart
by a bomb
I said
I gave her

one of my sherbet
flying saucer sweets
she put it
in her mouth

and *******
up her eyes
sour
she said

I smiled
gets you
like that
the first time around

she opened her eyes
guess so
she said
she watched

as I put one
in my mouth
and sensed
the sherbet explode

on the tongue
then chewed
the outer softness
can I have another?

Janice asked
sitting there
head to one side
sure

I said
and offered her
the bag
she put two

of her thin fingers in
and took out
a sweet
I noticed

how blue
her eyes were
like small oceans
each reflecting

the summer sky
she wiped
her fingers
on her orange dress

leaving a white sherbet
damp powdery mess.

Janice and I
had taken a bus
to London Bridge
(pennies supplied

by my old man)
I showed her
the hospital of St Guys
and on until

we were over the Bridge
and we stood looking over
into the Thames
looks murky

she said
it is
I replied
are there fish

in there?
don't know
wouldn't want
to eat them

if there are
I said
she pulled a face
then straightened

her red beret
with her thin fingers
so that it sat just
at a slight tilt

her fair hair
flowing out
that look all right?
she asked

sure
it looks fine
I said
she wore a pink

flowered dress
and a white cardigan
and had a black
little girl's handbag

(her gran
had bought it
for her birthday
some months before)

where shall
we go now?
she asked
there's a café

my old man
takes me to sometimes
I said
we can go there

they do glasses
of cool lemonade
or cream soda
she smiled

and so I took her there
and we took seats
by the window
(the place was crowded

with adults)
and a waitress
brought us
two glasses

of cream soda
with straws
your father
brings you here?

she said
yes sometimes
when he takes me
to the West End

we go to other cafés
or restaurants
and go to
the fun machine arcade

and that's fun
putting coins
into these machines
some times

we go to the cinema
or just walk
about the sights
I said

Gran says evil people
live up the West End
that certain parts
are akin to Hell

Janice said
I don't about that
I said
we just go

to the safe parts
I guess
we sipped our sodas
she looking around her

at the adults
drinking and eating
and smoking
and laughter hit out

now and then
some guy pinched
a waitress's backside
and she slapped

his hand and laughed
Janice blushed
and looked away
another guy

with a black moustache
looked over at us
giving Janice the eye
smiling

an ear to ear grin
we finished
our sodas
and left the café

glad to be out
of there
happy
to be on our way.

Mr Fin
thin
moustached

and grey suited
talked
of the Plague of London

in 1665
and people dying
and red crosses

on doors
and rats and ships
and BRING OUT

YOUR DEAD
being yelled
through

the narrow streets
we sat enthralled
taking in

the history lesson
Dennis drew a cross
on his palm

in red ink
(he had a job
to get that off

in recess)
and said
I bet he was there

old Fin
bet he was a kid
back then

it was almost
three hundred
years ago

I said
this is 1956
Dennis shrugged

his shoulders
and kept
to his theory

I watched the teacher
and how his hand
wrote so neatly

on the board
and drew a picture
of streets

with doors
with red crosses
and shadowy people

hanging round
Janice sat to my right
her eyes glued

to the board
as Mr Fin
wrote and drew

her chin
in the palm
of her thin hand

scribbling
in her exercise book
with her right hand

I liked her fair hair
the way it flowed
over her shoulders

like water
over rocks
the way her fingers

touched her cheek
as her palm
held the chin

another girl
sat next to her
some fat girl

with black hair
and a thin
faint moustache

and earrings
I liked Janice's
pink ear

showing through
a gap
in her hair

then Fin said
next time
we'll talk

of the Great Fire
of London
in 1666

Dennis stuck gum
under his desk
Janice closed her book

and gave me
her engaging  
young girl look.

Janice helped you
to gather up
the loose pieces of coal
on the cobbled road

leading to the coal wharf
off Meadow Row
you watched as she put
the pieces in the sack

you’d brought with you
as the evening mist
settled upon the scene
her red beret placed

at an angle
her hair
smooth as water
is this allowed?

she asked
looking around
at the back of houses
still standing after

the wartime bombing
finders keepers
you said
or so Granddad told me

the other week
when I saw him
she gazed at you
unconvinced

but put in more
of the black pieces
you handed to her
what will my gran say

when she sees
my blackened hands?
Janice said
I can’t tell her

or she’ll tan my hide
as she calls it
you looked
at her coal stained fingers

the way they held
and placed the coal
you can wash your hands
at my place

you said
Mum won’t mind
she likes you anyway
Janice looked at you

her lips spreading
into a smile
nice to know
she said

maybe when we’re grown
and married
she’ll like me better
the sky had darkened

the mist heavy
the moon glowing
I guess so
you said

wondering if her gran
would see it that way
if she lived
to see the day

that should be enough
coal now
you said
taking the sack

from her blackened hands
noticing the thin fingers
she rubbing her hands
together against the cold

the dark
and winter weather.

Janice met you
as you walked
across the bombsite
from the New Kent Road

to Meadow Row
you watched
as she trod
carefully over

bricks and stones
some half buried
under the settled
earth and mixed brick

her hands held out
like some tight-rope walker
and she saw you
and smiled

and said
Gran said I can come out
if I’m with you
so I came looking for you

and here you are
yes
you said
my usual place

amongst many
she stopped
where the ground
was even

and held her hands
in front of her
holding a small bag
you looked at her

in her red beret
and grey coat
her black shoes
and white socks

and she said
where are we going?
you looked at her bag
and said

what’s in the bag?
a small handkerchief
and purse
with six pence

and a penny
and a bar of chocolate
we can share
she said

where are we going?
she repeated
where do you
want to go?

Waterloo
to watch the trains?
she said
I know you like them

ok
you said
and you both
headed back

to the bus stop
on the New Kent Road
and stood there
waiting for the bus

she in her red beret
and coat
and you
in your jeans

and pullover
with the wiggly pattern
and she opened
her bag

and took out
the bar of chocolate
and broke it
in two

one for her
and one for you
wrapped in
its silver paper

and purple cover
just like two grown ups
each giving
to their lover.

Janice sat beside you
on the bombsite
off Meadow Row
looking towards

the New Kent Road
watching the people
and traffic pass
you with your catapult

and she with the doll
her gran had bought her
from the market in the Cut
Gran said those are dangerous

Janice said
pointing at the catapult
not if you’re careful
and responsible

you said
but they fire stones
she said
guns fire bullets

you said
they can **** people
David killed Goliath
with a stone

she said
I heard it in church
I only fire at tin cans
or other such targets

you said
she looked at the sky
at pigeons flying overhead
what about birds?

she asked
no I don’t shoot at birds
although I did fire
at a rat once

but missed
and it ran off
I hate rats
she said

there was one
on our balcony once
and it frightened me to death
you laughed

you remember that coalman
who stomped on that one
along the balcony by your flat?
yuk

she said
horrible blood and guts
everywhere
and on his boot

you said
she hugged her doll
close against her
don’t remind me

you studied the doll
in her arms
the way it was close
to her chest

her hands caressing
the painted china head
the yellow flowered dress
and small white socks

and black plastic shoes
you’d make a good mum
you said
watching her rock

the doll in her arms
do you think so?
she asked
yes

you said
maybe one day
I will have a real baby
she said

and rock it to sleep
and feed it with a bottle
and burp it
and change its *****

like I saw a lady do
in the toilets
of Waterloo station
and Gran said

it wasn’t hygienic
not there of all places
Gran said
I’d have to have

a peg on my nose
if I had to change
a baby’s *****
you said

I think men
have weaker stomachs
than women do
she said

I think mothers
are given stronger stomachs
when they have babies
it’s God way of helping them

deal with babies
I’d rather have a catapult
than a baby
you said

or a doll
do you want to hold my doll
and I can hold your catapult?
she asked

no thanks
you replied
if my mates saw me
I’d never live it down

she kissed the doll’s head
and said
likewise
but there was a smile

on her lips
and a sparkle
in her eyes
and a beauty

in the way she sat
in her orange coloured dress
and bright red beret hat.

You sat on the edge
of the low wall
in Rockingham Street
opposite Meadow Row

Janice sat beside you
in her red beret
and black coat
buttoned up

to her throat
against the evening chill
and you
in your cowboy hat

and old coat
with your 6 shooter
(capped gun)
in the inside pocket

the sky is thick with stars
Janice said
looking upward
like God threw small diamonds

into the black expanse
reminds me of the time
You said
when I was with my old man

outside Guy’s Hospital
and he left me outside
with my sister
while he went in

to see my mother
who was about to have babies
and I looked up
at the sky that evening

and it was like that
and it seemed
so big and wide
and I remember thinking

how I could get lost there
if I were a spaceman
looking out
of the spaceship window

at the stars
and moon and such
I could have been with you
Janice said

and have got you
food and drink for the voyage
I don’t know
You said

girls don’t get to go
on space voyages do they?
I guess not
she said sighing

but maybe
I could be the first to go
she added smiling
sure you could

but not with your red beret
You said
she laughed
and looked up

Meadow Row
at the street lamps
and the glow they made
on the pavements

and narrow road
and she pointed
at some kids
outside the public house

half way up the road
and said
Gran wouldn’t leave me
outside a pub like that

while she went drinking
you gazed up the road
and saw the kids outside
one in a pram

one sitting
on the low wall
eating out
of a packet of chips

my mother said
it happened a lot
in her days
when she was a kid

but she never was
You said
Janice tucked her hands
under her armpits

to keep them warm
against the evening cold
I better go
she said

Gran will wonder
where I am
ok
You said

I’ll walk you back
and so you both
got off the wall
and walked up

Rockingham Street
to where she lived
with her gran
in an upstairs flat

and she blew you
a kiss from the balcony
and that
was pretty much that.

You stood
in the playground
of St Jude’s school
which was really

the basement
of a bombed out house
which had been gutted
and the basement tarmaced

and the walls
were still there
where kids climbed up
and around

the thin ledge
when Janice
put her hands
over your eyes

and said
guess who?
and you put
your hands

into the pockets
of your short trousers
and said
Miss Murphy

or Miss Ashdown?
no
Janice said
it’s me

and she removed
her hands
from over your eyes
and you turned around

and looked at her
and she had
her red beret on
and a pink scarf

around her neck
to keep out
the cold
you must

have known
it was me
she said
who else

would put their hands
over your eyes?  
her eyes were bright
and you thought

you could see yourself
in them
as if they were small mirrors
Jupp might do

or maybe Carmody
you said smiling
she didn’t smile back
but pulled her lips

tight in a line
then she took your hand
and pulled you
along the path

that led
to the school toilets
and pushed you
inside a cubicle

and shut the door
behind you both
and said
don’t you love me?

there was a large spider
hanging from
the cistern chain
close to

her red beret
and it hung there
suspended
swaying back

and forth
and you said
of course I do
right down

to your white socks
but there’s a spider
above your head
and she looked up

and screamed
and a voice
outside the door
asked

are you all right
in there?
Janice’s eyes widened
and she watched

as the spider
moved up the chain
and she said
yes it’s all right

Miss Murphy
just a small spider
and you stood there
next to Janice

wondering what
Miss Murphy
would say
if she saw you

and Janice
in the lavatory
together
and the voice said

ok as long
as you
are all right
and the footsteps

moved away
and Janice took
your hand in hers
and you sensed

how cold it was
slightly blue
and it was just
9 year old Janice

and the big spider
and 9 year old you.

Janice watched
as you held on
to the ledge
of the ice-cream van

to see how long
you could hold on
in that dare game
the boys played

in the Square
and after
you jumped off
she said

isn’t that dangerous?
sure it is
you replied
that’s the point

to see how long
you can hold on
without falling
and getting hurt

she looked at you
and said
if Gran saw me
doing that

she’d tan
my behind
ah
you said

that’s it
not to be seen
by those grown ups
and spoilsports

she raised
her eyebrows
and said
maybe

but it’s not for me
and so you took her hand
and went along
through the Square

and across Bath Terrace
and into Jail Park
to the swings
and slides

and such things
and you grabbed
a swing each
and pushed off

and you looked at her
beside you
her hair flowing
in the wind

her dress billowing
as the wind caught it
and you said
how high can you go?

high as I can
she said
and she pushed
her legs out

and then under
the seat of the swing
getting the rhythm right
getting the swing

to go higher
and higher
and you did likewise
and you watched

as her whole body
got into the ride
and her hands gripped
the metal chains

and you saw
her legs rise high
and her brown sandals
and white socks

and she said
is this high enough?
and you said
as high as high

can go is high
and she laughed
and pushed her feet
right up into the sky

and you pushed through
the aches and pains
of the muscles
to reach the highest pinnacle

and she gazed at you and laughed
and there was that moment
when you thought
you saw new stars

being born in her smile
but then she slowed down
and the new stars
died out after a while.