The sorrows are getting old
I’m no longer recognizable
For years, I’ve been encouraging myself
Encouraging myself to bloom again
But it seems impossible
Days are becoming night
The warm is becoming cold
This deadheading session has been lingering
It’s been years since I’ve seen myself bloom
Bloom in a field of flowers
Flowers I used to hate but now trying to love

These days are becoming more tiring
The word, ‘strong,’ is no longer in my vocabulary
I wonder what it feels to not have sadness in your heart
What does it feel to not fall apart?
I’m told this is human but if this is how living feels
I wonder if dying feels like heaven
Because right now, here on earth
This feels like a living hell

Standing in front of me is proof that love does not exist
That when love isn't expressed to the body
The body will decay and become a walking corpse
I am slowly decaying as I keep pushing love away from me
Afraid to become open and admire the compassionate that is being shared with me
Shared for me
But standing in front of me, my reflection, is proof that love does not exist
Does not exist to broken souls like the reflection that stands in front of me

When does the sitting in the dark stop?
When does the feeling of being a burden stop?
Can someone please tell me, I’ve been seeking answers for a long time
I will finally like to come to peace with the loneliness that rests in my heart

Trauma Inspires

Why do I get so upset?
Why is my tongue so slick, hurting feelings and losing relationships
Sorry if I ever hurt your feelings
And sorry if I already did it
Mad at Myself for not having control
Control over my attitude
Over this hurt that keeps revealing itself
Why do I hurt the ones who I love and who love me?
Wanting attention from the people who hurt me, plotting on me
Mad at Myself for being so immature
And not having no control
Mad at Myself for hurting you
I’m so sorry that I’m not able to express emotion besides on paper
Mad at Myself
Mad at Myself for forcing you to question my love for you
I love you
I do
I just got issues
Not healing from the trauma I’ve endured in my lifetime
Mad at Myself for hurting myself
Mad at Myself for speaking ***** to myself
Mad at Myself for not loving myself
Why do I get so upset?
Why don’t I get some help, having my pride blocking change and opportunities
Mad at Myself for hurting you
And for not loving you

What makes me sad and sometimes mad
Is that, there’s still a hurt little girl inside of me
She was not given a voice to be heard
She was never given the opportunity to be healed
This hurt little girl is still bruised and scarred
Remembering the fear that I had in me at a young age
The anxiety I felt
And the misunderstanding that I took
This hurt little girl that’s inside me still needs a sorry
She still needs a explanation on things she didn’t and couldn’t understand
This hurt little girl still is frightened of the world  
Still frightened of her world
I’m trying to heal her as I heal me too
This hurt little girl is beautiful as can be
As she is the damaged butterfly inside of me