I loved you consistently
never failing to let you know
like the sun always knows to rise in the morning

I loved you recklessly
always putting you before myself
like your love was a drug and I was an addict

I loved you entirely
with every fiber of my being I loved you
like the ocean waves love the shore

I loved you
until I didn't

She's not there anymore
The girl who used to run up and down the streets in a yellow sundress on the hot days of summer

But shes not there anymore
She grew up to be a wild teenager who met boys at the town carnival on the fourth of July and would leave them with nothing but red lipstick smears

She's not there anymore,
she grew up to be a mother of five little boys and girls who adored her more than anything, who depended on her and learned from her

but she's not there anymore
the woman who laughed so loud and spoke so sweet, who cared more than you could ever imagine, whose smile lit up the room

She's not there anymore
She doesn't remember her grandchilds face or her home address
she doesn't remember her first daughters birthday or what she wore only a day before.

She's not there anymore
she cared so much but now she's just so scared
She lives in the body of that girl, but her mind is somewhere else.

It's Saturday night and you're not here,
do you remember the way we would listen to your favorite songs and talk about the moon?
it's Saturday night and you're not here,
do you remember all of the things we used to do?
It's Saturday night and you've been gone a while, but I can still feel your hand in mine.
it's Saturday night and you've been gone a while, and missing you is starting to feel like a crime.
It's Saturday night and I'm with a boy, and he's kissing my lips and he's had a few,
it's Saturday night and I wish he was you.

They never told me
that it would be a battle to get out of bed every morning
or that breathing can feel so forced
They never told me
that when the life is ****** out of you
people will notice but they'll never ask
They never told me
that you can feel yourself drowning
but that the water is ******* you farther
They never told me
that you don't have to be buried six feet under to feel so complete dead.
They never told me
that you can learn to stop, drop, and roll,
but the fire will destroy you before you get the chance.

Don't let yourself go numb
or let yourself cry in empty parking lots
When you forget what its like when he used to hold your hand.
His hands are rough and strong, and it when you let yourself numb it's not poetic, it's letting him wrap his hands around your throat.

Don't find new ways to poison yourself
when the weight of the missing "I love you's" feels like it's going to crush you.
They were lies and they're going to crack your ribcage in half so they can puncture your heart, and it's only going to feel heavy a little longer so hang in there, it'll be okay.

Don't text him long unreadable messages when you're crying in your room at 1 in the morning because you remember the way he used to hold you and wipe your tears away with his thumb.
He is not that person anymore.
You shouldn't be either.

Do you think of me when you wake up at three in the morning and you can't fall back asleep? Do you wonder how I spent my day or if I'm wide awake, too? Do I ever cross your mind as you're drifting off, just like you always used to do? Am I your first thought in the morning, the image of me curled up next to you? Do I still haunt you in your dreams, do you still wake and whisper "I love you"?
I guess what I'm trying to ask is,
do you still love me like I love you?

I tried to write you a letter but the words I was writing could never properly explain how in love I am with the idea of us, but so utterly confused with the reality of me and you. I'm so tired, tired of me and tired of you and tired of us, but even in the complete exhaustion of you and I, I yearn for your arms.

You destroy me every ******* time
As soon as I think I've finally found a way to be happy, truly happy,
you find a way to bring me back down.
it's as if you don't even realize you're doing it, but I do.
and I still let you, every ******* time.

Monday 2:38 pm
I know you're sitting five feet away but I miss you so much.

Tuesday 4:56
At least pretend like you love me when my mom is here. You're breaking both of our hearts today.

Wednesday 9:03 am
I'm mad about what you said to me last night but for the sake of the holidays I'll pretend like I believe your broken apology.

Thursday 8:16 pm
Merry Christmas. This year my wish was for us to remember what the point of all of this was. Maybe next year.

Friday 12:39 am
You're laying right next to me and I can hear you breathing but I don't think either of us are really alive.

It's a relief that you don't call or text me anymore
I always felt sick to my stomach, worried is say the wrong thing
I'd watch you explode, like fireworks over the lake.
I was so intrigued by you, and terrified all the same.
Please don't call me tonight, don't call me anymore.
I'm afraid that if I hear your voice, my fuse might be cut short.
Another explosion is not what we need right now.