Spilled tea and shaky hands
The silent chill spread throughout your body like lightning
The static feeling in your arms while you watch your partner fall asleep on you
Binge watching bad tv shows on a Sunday
The gut feeling that tells you to run
The friend that tells you to go for it
Mental breakdowns on the kitchen floor
An almost lover

They say "to live is to love" but if you've ever carried the weight of another broken soul, you already know that.

I remember so vividly the night you held me in your arms as I cried about everything and nothing,
I swear I can still hear you promise me you weren't going anywhere, you'll always be right here.

I can still see the look on your face only six months later when you told me that you didn't love me anymore, twisted and sad and so exhausted. I could feel my heart breaking as you added "I'm not sure I ever really did" but all I could do was stare at the dark circles that created a crater under each of your soft blue eyes. I wanted to dive into them and hide in you.

You told me you couldn't breathe anymore, that it was hard enough to carry yourself, that you weren't strong enough to save me, too.

I suppose the only difference between loving someone and living for someone is just one letter.

I told you about all the times I moved growing up,
counted on fingers that held so many hands,
I danced around with the idea of moving into you,
building my walls around our hearts and putting a roof over our souls.
I guess it didn't matter to me that our foundation was a little wobbly or that I knew an eviction was coming,
I wanted to believe that we would build a house that would last.
but you were a trap not a home,
and I was packing my bags but I couldn't get out in time
so I watched as the walls I built around you and I came crashing down on me.

Do I love you or am I lonely?
Perhaps a little of both?
I think I was a little lonely when I decided to love you and then when I loved you I felt more alone than I'd ever been.
Why don't I just leave? Oh I don't know.
I don't think I could survive another fall.

What a bitter end it is to sit across from your lover and feel nothing but rage, knowing the feeling is mutual. You still mutter "I love you" and make out under city lights and hold hands as you walk but someone always squeezes a little too hard or bites a little aggressively or is a little too snappy to believe there's anything left. It's all a game and neither of us want to lose. Going down in flames is so much more satisfying than fading away.

I knew from the very first moment that you would break my heart. It was part of your charm, I thought I was ready to be broken again, mostly because I thought you would put me back together after. I should have known that people like you come in like a hurricane, leaving everything in ditty ruins.

I cant keep loving you because you tell me that you couldn't live without me and for a while I thought it was cute and romantic and flattering but now I realize that you have been asking me to carry us both and to save you from yourself but we both know I'm weak and tired and I could barely breathe on my own let alone for the both of us but I think you also know that I'd use my dying breath to give you CPR

we're okay
if you don't count the tears we cry that put us to sleep
or the scars our hearts are now harboring
or the empty promises of yesterday

and we're okay
if you don't look too closely into our eyes
or watch our lips quiver between words
or listen to our heavy breathes fill the spaces you should have been

and we're okay
if you don't ask us how we've been
or if we've been sleeping enough
or if we're still caught up on the little things you said to us in the middle of the night

I will not hear what you have to say
because what you have to say will never be as important as the way you made me feel

Weak
Weak
Weak

I will not hear what you have to say
because you are only allowed so many chances before your apologies wear out

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I will not  hear what you have to say
because I am only one person but I carry the weight of a million broken promises

I love you
I love you
I love you

I will not hear what you have to say
because there is a fine line between clever and abusive and you've crossed it so many times

Don't do this
Don't do this
Don't do this

I will not hear what you have to say
because I've realized that you're setting me on fire so you can be warm

I'm not yours
I'm not yours
I'm not yours

You used to love me
with such passion and intensity
and I thought it'd never end
but like summer turns to fall
we faded out and fell apart

I used to love you
so strongly and so boldly
and you thought it'd never end
but you didn't even notice
when the leaves fell from our trees