It's right there

In a perfect little bow tie but my own desperate, clambering need to be the first to get there leaves me with nothing

All that's left now is the shredded remains..

Scraps -- from which no nourishment can be salvaged.

No morsel contained.

(It is in this moment I realise the terror that resides within myself)

Haunting my endeavours, creeping up and into my personal life...

Weaving it's sickness as a woven quilt to my very skin!

Exposed for all to see

Somehow mortally wounding.

My need for absolution is blinding in a frantic and overwhelming kind of way...   I try to fight it but this weakness is unyielding in it's quiet persistent insistence

Like subliminal messages at times it stems seemingly from nowhere-- Polluting the hopes and dreams of those who love me

I feel that I am always improving. (Or at least trying to...)

Striving for a better life

But I feel faulted inside...

A mistake or flaw now too deeply buried to bring to cessation...

It's unresolved conflicts still taking toll on my personal affairs

Still feeding it's sickness back into me...

I feel weak but somehow complete

Lost but not yet alone...

And I think for just a moment before it passes that maybe things are not so fleeting?

But come the end of the day

I know

It must just be me...

Why wouldn't it be?

I ruin it for myself...