This is true from my past, but I haven't done this in over a year.*

I don't cut, that's too risky to be caught
I don't smoke, I hate cigarettes
I don't drink, I'm not my mother
I don't drug, I love my body

I don't want to eat
I don't deserve the food
I have no appetite anymore
Besides, I had a toast yesterday
It's enough to last through today
I have to punish myself for my wrongs
Nobody else can do it
Nobody ever knows my wrongs
Because I'm great at hiding
All my lustful sins
So I won't take food
I'll stay here starving

So, alone again...
Lost out on you
Lost out on you, too
Lost out on love and lust
A few screams into the pillow
Lots of crying when nobody sees
And then I'll be fine again

I need a drink...

Please, just let me scream my hurt away
I don't want your love or sympathy
I don't need your care or affection
This hurt is beyond your efforts
Let me slip into the darkness
Let me be swallowed alive
It's up to me to make it
Hope I see you again

For so long you held me
Under the black water
Caring nothing of my lungs
Knowing I was drowning

Yet I was the one
Overcoming your spell
Under six feet you now lie

Plastic face
Plastic skin
Plastic smile
Plastic eyes
Plastic clothes
Plastic words
Plastic souls

When will we be real?

So you decided to stay the night, and since we have a close platonic relationship, there should be no problems.
I know we're comfortable with each other, but I never expected you to leave the door wide open. Pure chance I was walking by.
I can't help but notice you as you step out of the shower.
I didn't linger and stare, but I couldn't keep myself from stealing a second look.
You tell me you hate your body, and that you're overweight.
But I don't care, you are ******* gorgeous! So so ****!
Your back was to me, but it was great looking, toes to your crown.
I also noticed your ******* briefly in the mirror, and... well, I wasn't displeased at all.
All this took three seconds before you noticed me.
You bashfully, yet not too hastily, covered yourself and apologized. I said I didn't mind, I was comfortable around you no matter what.
You hit the sack a little while later, I did too.
But don't think I didn't think about it.

The curved blade of your betrayal sliced wide and deep.
I don't think I can ever forgive you. I trusted you...
Now, you're a stranger to me.
I disown you.

Do you hear this heart thumping? Sounds normal, doesn't it?
Sounds like a healthy and steady heart. But there's death in it.
Sometimes too much blood pumps in it. It regurgitates back into itself, fills it with too much blood and it stresses to pump it all out in time. So if you're lucky, you might hear it do a big thump followed by rapid thumps. Then back to normal.
Normal... I thought it was normal until recently. Now I know it could be fatal and there's nothing I can do about it. It could enlarge my heart over time, or it could pop like a balloon. Or I can live to be a hundred; it's in God's hands.
It never hurts, but it does feel weird. Like one of those rubber toys filled with water, and you squeeze one end of it. Feels like that for only a second.
I'm okay with the possibility of dying. Just know if I do, I loved you all as much as I could. Don't cry for me.

Is it really that bad to sacrifice love for love out of love for the one you love so they can love without you hurting them?

So, I was having a bad night last night... wrote this and never edited it. Just trying to vent, so not a poem*

I'm at this place where I'm lost within my horrors of desire and despair. I'm losing my mind trying to find my heart and my demons are dragging themselves at my feet whispering me to **** what I love most and let go of the hope I have because they have a shot of pleasure to give but the price is way too high and I can't find my way out and they whisper louder and louder and louder and more, until I can't take it and I stamp and stomp to **** them but they dart to and fro and nothing I do works because they want me dead and they're better than me! I give up! I give in! No I don't! Don't let go! My head is pounding and my heart is racing as I run for my life when my life is chasing me and hounding me because my entire past is a failure and I'm terrified of failing again because I see myself as only a failure so I should give in but the fool's hope in me hijacked my system and forces me on.

****