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Steve Apr 2018
My Wife Mary
Was incredibly hairy
With a thick wooly coat of fur
Head to toe covered in hair
You may think that’s quite scary
But it was just hereditary
Her mother was a grisly bear

My Sister Kim
Was a little bit dim
She asked what IDK stands for
When I said I don't know she stamped on the floor
*** she said, nobody does, I'm off to the gym for a swim.

My Uncle Cyril
Flew down from the Wirral
Where he was known as a ladies man
With an extremely large wingspan
You know what I mean, he was virile.
Steve Sep 2017
While flying in the sky
A falcon played I spy
With his eagle eye
He spied a little mole
Crawling out a hole
Swooping to the ground
He hardly made a sound
To cause a ripple in the day
But he stole the mole away.
From a plane
Steve Sep 2017
A little Spanish lass
Joined the Scottish class
But when asked to roll her r's
She was met with whoops and ah's
Then scored an A plus pass

*For which she was thrilled to bits
So she also rolled her ****.
From Barcelona
Steve Jul 2017
A fine young guy by the name of  Mike
Used to peddle a butchers bike
If you needed a tasty treat
Mike turned up with a basket of meat
And if you fancied a bacon roll
Or a bowl of toad in the hole
Mike delivered around the clock
So it all came as quite a shock
When he said he'd enough
And he was thinking of doing other stuff
Standing there with hands on hips
He handed in his trouser clips
"I'm moving on to pastures new
And going to work for Deliveroo"
The butcher's wife couldn't believe her ears
And burst out into floods of tears
"What would it take to make you stay?"
"Any price I'd gladly pay?"
The butcher was surprised at this
And said "Bridget are you *******?"
But Bridget only had eyes for Mike
And the pair sped off on the butchers bike.
Steve Jun 2017
A wacky wee ****** called Sue
Loved to put butter in her shoe
As she walked around
It made a squelchy sound
Sometimes she did it with glue too
Steve Jun 2017
Jack and Jill
Crept up the stairs
At their auntie Claire's
Jill came down
In a floral dressing gown
And a pair of purple flairs
Jack stayed up
In the shower
For more than half an hour
When he came down
Dressed as a clown
He was a lover with flower power.
Steve Jun 2017
Little Jack Horner
Was back in the corner
Nursing a swollen eye
His thumb was sore too
As it turned black and blue
While the baker baked a new pie.
Steve May 2017
Daniela Duff
Was in the buff
That day the milkman came
He winked and said he liked her name
But she knew his game
He was her bit of rough
And though she thought it was a bad habit
He went at it like a rabid rabbit
Also  he gave her free milk and other dairy stuff.
The milkman's name was Ernie!
Steve Apr 2017
Lisa and Sue had nothing to do
So they drank a bottle of pop
They'd bought in a funny wee shop
But it was 40% proof
And they climbed on the roof
Singing a happy song
Wearing only a thong
And that's were it all went wrong
They were taken away
And made to stay
In a cell all of their own
With nothing to wear
Except body hair
And a bar of toblerone
Steve Apr 2017
Billy Blank hardly drank
And he didn't shout or swear
The apple of his mothers eye
You could take him anywhere.
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