i was thinking of you
of us
do you miss me, like i miss you?
do you need me, like i need you right now?
i know i left
but every person who feels like this should leave too.

you made me feel unseen, even when your eyes met mine.
you made me feel stupid, even when you encouraged me.
you made me feel dry, even when we talked all the time.

am i imagining things?
there was something wrong,
i know there was.
but you didn’t care if there was a misunderstanding between us.
you continued to talk like nothing happened,
like there isn’t a big wall
between us—between me and you.

i tried to break it,
the wall.
i really did.
but if i break one brick—only one—
you will put it back again.
you will build it again.
and again.

you made me feel unseen, stupid, and dry.
even if i imagined this.
even if i misunderstood.
even if...
i don’t care anymore.

because this feeling will come
again and again.
and i choose myself.
i choose peace.
i choose me.

i don’t need you anymore.
i don’t want to feel unlovable by you
again.

and again—
my coffee has gone cold again,
because i thought of you,
of us.

Do you not see you're just as important? What makes you think less?
Is it because of your brown hair when you wish it were blonde?
Or your hair straight rather than curly?
Your brown eyes that should be crystal blue?
All you want is to fit in. But life made you different.

Yes, you have your hourglass shape. Your small waist, and large bottom. Maybe that's what makes you most proud.
Your proud of what everyone admires most? Shouldn't you be proud of what you admire most?

But you choose to admire the bad qualities.
Your larger nose, the pointy chin you have, and the way your face scrunches when you laugh. Why must those things be ugly?
Or those embarrassing qualities you label like your laugh, the way you stand, the way you walk. Even, the voice you show.

You're beautiful because you're you. Your brown curly hair dragged down alongside your golden skin. Your honey-dipped eyes when exposed to the sun. Your dry skin that keeps your tone flat accompanied by your oily skin that gives you structure. Your laugh that triggers another laugh, which ends in endless amounts of laughing.

Love is you, you are love.

Yes, I can't forget the one person who understood me better than anyone.
I can't forget a girl, brunette as I, with the same goofy personality.
Made friends under the oddest circumstances.
I thought it was love at first sight. But maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Yes, I miss you, my best friend. Us against the world.
I can't forget us laughing late at night at stupid things.
Making memories under the best conditions.
I thought what we had was beautiful. But, what we had, is lost.

I always chose you, but this time, you didn't choose me.
Aching in pain, you chose the neutrality while I drowned in the negativity.
Trying to move on from the past of scarred memories.
I thought you loved me, maybe more than him.

He used me, he abused me, he killed me.
I'm buried beneath, he's killed me. And I thought I could live.
But you chose him over me. Your best friend. Your sister.
Do you miss me as I miss you?

I can't recover from that. I can't recover from this.
Yes, I miss you. But, I don't want you anymore.
As he showed me his true colors, so did you. As I drowned in the hues of blue and purple.
Your ghost still haunts me, luckily more than his.
Is that a good thing? Maybe, maybe not.

I died and you chose to ignore the cause. You accepted it, I didn't.
I hope you're happy without me.
Even if this ghost is unhappy without you. I have to be happy without you.

Goodbye, V.