"I don't know the first thing about love"
I've never known love that wasn't obligated
An " I love you" didn't cut my throat on its way out
That didn't either send me spiraling into panic
Or fleeing a million miles away from my own body
Nothing but love that trapped and silenced and burned
A love with wicked teeth and acid dripping from it's tongue
That seared me to the core and decided even that was worthless
"But they're family, you gotta love 'em, right?"

Now you stand before me
Saying you want nothing in exchange for your love
Just to be here, together,
But I can't
Can't stay until those arms become a cage
Can't wait for those hands to grab me when I run
Can't let the honey dripping from your lips sour and burn
Can't stand here smiling while I wait for the shoe to drop
Can't wait for that 'nothing' to become 'something' to become 'everything' and I just become a 'thing'
To you

And maybe that's not what love is to you
Maybe your love doesn't come with puppet strings or gleaming teeth that slice
Maybe the mere thought of this definition of love
Sends you reeling with anger and pity and revulsion at the injustice of it all
Maybe it scares you
Maybe it makes you rethink everything you've ever known
About this wild, loud, joyous being you're staring down
And maybe like I thought I'm both too much and not enough, broken and melted and rebuilt in a way
That I don't know the first thing about love

Sometimes I think that I'm free
That I've conquered the demons
And am on to bigger and better
Then something simple catches me off guard

"Where are you going?"
An innocent question from a  friend
And it's fight or flight
Those words drag me back, back, back

And how dare I let such ordinary things get to me?
Why can't I move on like everyone else clearly did?

You tell me, "It doesn't have to be this way."
But it's the only way I get through another day
I'm a dreamer and a runaway
You locked me in, told me to stay
"Stay quiet, stay here, stay out of my way"
I'm not a doll in your "happy family" play
Ungag me cause I've got hell of a lot to say
You should have left this dog sleeping where it lay
Don't act like I'm the problem, dear
Just because I can't survive living here

Mother I cannot count on both of my hands
The number of times that I came to you
Asking for you to quiet my fears but instead you
Stole my words

Mother the number of tears I've cried
Is most likely still less than
The number of times I've come to you
With a problem or a worry and you
Made it about you

But Mother I remember when I told you
That I could not take this life any more
And you told me it was just a phase
And you left me to drown in the darkness
Alone

And Mother I recall clearly the day
When Father threatened to turn me
From house and home and you
Just stood there
By his side in silent agreement

And I guess that's the day where
The family house stopped being home
And you stopped being Mom
You might not have noticed it
I've called you many versions of mom
In varying languages
Because you're still a mom
But you're no longer mine

God knows how I wish you were because I miss my Mom

You are strong, dearest love
And you say you are better
That those wounds do not hurt
Any more
But I hear the way your voice quakes
When you say the word home

And you are brave, soul of my soul
When you bare your heart before men,
Those who have silenced it all these long
Years
Because your wild, beautiful thoughts
Tear you within until set free, voiced

And I cry, too, beloved heart
When you say that you love them
Those that caged and beat you
Nonetheless
Because through blood and fire
Family is still family

Yes I am now free to become
That beautiful, vibrant person
With wide branches and a sturdy foundation
I can express myself
With gorgeous petals and soak in the sun
But often in creating deeper roots
I hit a rock
And suddenly I am back in that tiny planter
Crowded out and unable to find anywhere
To spread my leaves or the smallest patch
Of sunlight
And I have to remember that I am now
In a place that has no walls
I'm outside
And my roots are strong enough
That over time
They can break through rock
That I don't always have to
Tiptoe my way around those
That hold me back
That I can just
Be

Mother I am sorry
I know that you are weak
That you aim to please and
You aim for peace and harmony
Within your household

Mother I am sorry
I know that you are frightened
By things you do not know
And so you cling to your
Ignorance and hatred

Mother I am sorry
Too often you take offense
For things that are not about you
Because you do not understand
Your children's hearts

But mother I am not sorry
For taking stand against
Him who calls you wife
When he hurts you, hurts us
Because you should not allow it

And mother I am not sorry
For admitting who I am
And who I have always been
Even though I am broken
And much too heavy to hold anymore

I, a brave  and naive soul ,
Was born into this wicked world
Wanting nothing more than  
To become someone loved
And someone necessary

It didn't matter to whom
Or by whom this may be
And I soon learned that
That someone might not be family
Even though it broke me repeatedly

I learned quickly
About how my father
Is the mighty hero of the story
And I, as one of his lowly children
The lecherous, lazy villain

And my mother
His naive yet lovely maiden
Always quick to defend
Him, not me, not us her brood
Yet has the gall to say she is on my side

And somehow I wonder
How there is a part of me that still hopes
Still dreams of great things
Still reaches out in hope of more
Still believes that I can be cherished

How this villain can become someone's queen

Mother, I love you but
I hate it when:

You try to mend things as soon as they break
Nothing can be wrong in your perfect kingdom
Did you even consider that Humpty Dumpty
Could not be fixed? That maybe, just maybe
There was a reason he fell and a hug cannot
Change the fact that you just told him you
Hated him for loving the prince?

Or maybe you say that you are on my side
But the second the cavalry arrives
You immediately rush to the king's aide
And leave me with whiplash
As you wipe the yolk from your hands
"Oh my, what a terrible fall?"
Who do you think gave the push?

I don't expect you to understand
The need to go to extremes
Just to feel alive, something
Or the way her words take me
From cloud nine to decimated

I don't assume you'll know why
I suffocate after being inside too long
Yet I can't be tamed when outdoors
Why I never raise my voice when we fight
I just lose it instead

I don't want you to fathom why
I can't trust those I love anymore
And my confidant is you alone
Or if you get too close I run
Why being alone is always better

But if you'll listen you might start to