You know how you **** me in tiny pieces

each molecule a more painful death.

I die a little each day to love you more

I lose all sense of understanding

acceptance is all there is

a slow sure death

a painful ride to heaven through hell

and there's no other way to go

not so easy when you have to stare your fate in the eye

watching yourself die

one molecule at a time

glad that it even happens at all.

**** the wind and how it whispers your name

******* love notes all the same.

I don't want your scent to drive me crazy

I don't want my senses all hazy

you're no **** good for me



**** the memories and how I wish for you again

******* not worth all the pain

I don't want you to keep trying to  save me

I don't want to dream about you  but

i don't want you to disappear.



I Know.

I wish it was ******* different too.

oh another round slicing my pride through a mandelin

grating my heart to a ****** pulp

scraping my dignity under you nails

another shameful episode over nothing.

a time span. minutes.

the lioness reared

the roar hurt your ears and your manhood

emasculated with all the trimmings

I swear you like it.

you never seem to learn.

you should never have shunned your kitten in public.

this mangled kittens got claws

you warned me; and I counter warned you

an thus this pile of heart **** wont pick its self up

I guess its up to me to mend the breakages again

I dont have the time to wait

i have to paint the walls and put a new cornice up.

here take your ******* coffee.

I give up.

once again the light of love has ssmoothed over your indisgressions

barbed arrows and blunt fist blows full of words.

I turned my back to ice.

i fractured.

I turned into scalding water

I seeped into the ground

luke warm is all I am able.

I dont know whether to turn into vapour

or collect myself at your feet.

my love is still a fragile phoenix.

its your move.

Folder: Dark stuff

broken fragments float in a mind long devoid of understanding

exponential potential in any of the answers

suspended in a ether of nothingness in something

time shifts the perspective the angles always change

like the answers they only fit for the moment

and swiftly move out of focus when youre not looking

like treading popping bubbles

its impossible to go anywhere but down

and up is a whole lot of work there isnt time for

life is marked by soon forgotten glimmers of realisation

hung on a hook leaving the logic and going by feel

groaping the dark for fragments

waiting in the midst of it.

Folder: God Consciousness
I dont feel very romantic,

I dont want to paint the skies in pastel colours

or drape them in velvet studded glitter.

my pen has run dry,

the well of emotions draws nothing but cold

this mind wont let the heart glow

its too cluttered with pain and fears

the worlds ills have laid themselves on my shoulders

As much as I kneel

there is a nagging

I know I must do something.

I sit still waiting for a divine inspiration

or is it fear?

when I wrote I rearranged the stars in heaven for you

I made them shine in your eyes and dance in the skies in honour of you

I pulled the colours of the sunset out of the sky and wrapped you in them like a hug

I fought demons for you and I cast them out into the darkness where they came

i forgave you for all the stupidity  and  unintentional cruelty,

I even let you take my world and twist it into your vision of our future

and still, still, you can not seem to remember what it is you did wrong

you say your sorry but I can never believe you.

the violation of trust has become the expectational norm.

its so hard to get close to you when you keep snipping at my heart strings

please dont untangle me, Ive grown to love this mess

Its my home. its not much, not even comfortable in most ways,

but its all I have and I insist to myself its enough to keep drawing more from myself to give to you,

and still, still I wait for that recognition.

that instance of realisation

the lightning bolt

the one that makes it all so worth it.

the one where stars fall at your feet,

like when the sun crawls out of the sky just to see you wake

where the words wrap themselves like flowers around you

and the only darkness is the one scattered with lights

arranged in random love notes, a love immortal.

and still, still where only bravehearts fear not to try.