it is funny how
i see myself inside of you

it is funny
because i am saddened with the girl i have become

my main instagram is sydrose2018
my poetry account is rrosetry

show some love to both accounts :)

caught in the middle of deciding

to wait for you
or
to wait for me

the old me before you

i have heard the words of others
whispering behind my back
that you are still in love with me
& it is still i who is the girl
your mouth speaks in the night
when she is laying next to you
crying silently under the covers
because she knows that your songs
are not dedicated to her

you are the only person
i wish to have on my mind
like a broken record machine
because the melody of your name
is the perfect cure for my broken heart

& each day as i wake alone to a bed that is cold
i think of the memories of what used to be
because they are stuck on repeat
with your beautiful name
as the theme song

why is that my heart
cannot correspond
with my mind
when it comes to love

i tried texting her,
but my messages didn’t deliver.

i waited a few days,
but she never came around.

i tried making eye contact,
but all i saw was her hair.

i tried talking to her in class,
but she frowned upon my face.

i tried holding the door,
but she opened the one next to it.

i tried talking to her friends,
but they all shook their heads.

i tried going to sleep without her,
but the bed was too lifeless.

i tried not thinking about her,
but her voice was in my mind.

i tried not talking about her,
but her name was on my lips.
pure honey dripped. temptation.

i tried moving on,
but she’s irreplaceable.

i asked my mom,
“why did she leave all of a sudden?”

she replied sadly,
“but did you ever call her back?”

that night.
she cried.
to you.
for hours.
on the phone.
did you ever
call her back?

we used to be best friends until we fell in love with each other.

i am trying hard to find you
swimming in the middle of the ocean
as currents push against me
it is not easy to swim
when i am given options
to simply drown

having so much on my mind
dying to tell you my secrets
but
it would be the death of us
forgive me for i cannot say

she was like the sun
painfully gorgeous

it has been a while
since you been gone
i can feel you near
as if presence is here

active in my life
casted major role
understandment easy
i never moved on

haunting my dreams
night times are brutal
your shadow is company
imaginative figure among

present in the mirrors
looking deeply within
you are a part of me
every aspect within

you are in my mind
do you hear me speak
distancely miles far away
five missed phone calls

times are changing slowly
you are still presently here
past is the presence still
there's too much of you left behind

for this lenten season
i will be giving up
loving others before myself
because i have given too much of me
to people who do not deserve it

and that is why she always sleeps.
i believe that she finds comfort in her dreams,
because that is the realm she is able to escape her reality.

she can live the life she wanted to,
without any regret of her mistakes,
and be united with her daydreams that haunt her in the daylight.

that is why she always sleeps,
because it is the only thing left she has to rely on.
it is the beauty of a second chance at life for her.

it is her opportunity to rewrite the story,
to live and breathe again without him.

she no longer needs to wait for him.
she was once a person without him,
and now she knows she has permission to be herself again,
even if he never comes back.

she cannot fully accept it,
but she can live, wait, and also start again,
even if he doesn’t return.
let her sleep.

it is not easy to let go
& allow myself to be the chase
when i have been accustomed
to being "it" all my life

it was late winter when you decided to run away. at first i chased right after you. allowing my mild case of asthma to almost damaged my lungs. i tried my best to keep up but you were just too fast for me to catch up. i allowed the wind to smack my face as i heavily breathed while chasing after you. the neighborhood looked at me as a loser in the game of tag. if only they knew that i have been dying to be “it” for once. my hair felt weightless every step i took. my retro jordans were muddy as my socked feet were greeted to damp soil resting beneath my toenails. i was determined to never give up. i wanted to win. i needed to win. you were going as fast as lightning. at this point you are nearing the meadows. i knew if you achieved to step feet among the tall grasses with dried flowers & barley i would probably never see you again. you see once they reach a certain distance in the game of chase they will continue on & never look back. & at this point the chaser is out of breath and comes to terms to give up. i watch you near the meadows. i am screaming. you are not listening to me. you are making me angry. have you forgotten all the times we spent together. did it not mean anything to you. well i guess this is it. as i watch you prance closer i suddenly stop running. air races into my lungs & nirvana welcomes itself to me. i just stopped. i did not want to but it was as if there was a barrier stopping me. an invisible force that restricted me from continuing on. here i am. stuck. calm. i am okay. i watch you run away. you look beautiful. i have never seen such a view as the sun hits my brown eyes to appreciate the last observance of you in my life. you slowly dance into the sunset. you are on fire. have i told you that gold looks stunning on you. perhaps you should wear it more often.

i loved you too much
more than the earth
had to simply offer

he might have been the one
the perfect bonding given
to accommodate my life

but i willingly let him go
for another beautiful lifestyle
that i believe is better than any

nothing will change my mind
yet he is the best one for me
foolishly i let the right one go

you are forgetting

your body is a scared temple

you must invite only those
who have proven
they are worthy to love
everything of you
especially your scars

i hope you do not think
that i am writing this
in the occurrence of you
resting beautifully on my mind

truth be told
i am no longer writing
with your name being
the dictionary reason
to my scripted words

i truly am i not
thinking about you
i promise i have
forgotten about you

here it goes again
me with the lying

i lied because truth be told
this has everything
to do with you
dictionary defines it too

the thought of a past without you, makes me wonder how long i’ve been dead

we spend our entire lives searching
for that one thing we cannot live without
only to realize we cannot achieve it
& eventually we struck gold
but with something more times as great

if only we were not so stubborn
& knew what was in stored for us
much earlier before we adventured
for that one thing we thought
we could not live without

i am starting to forget
the simple things about you

the way your hands felt
when you touched my cold body

the smile you gave me
when i presented emotions

your hair against the wind
in my car as you drove it fast

my doctor is slowly increasing
my prescription of medication
so i can no longer remember you

perhaps you were the man for me
that was meant to be that very one
that was destined to get away

and as i watch the smiles
shine bright across my sight
i still remember yours
as you brightened my life
and now i must do the same
alone

your ears were shut
when i sung to the world
poetic words that made
everyone fall in love

i realized that
i am not in love with you

i am in love
with the person
you promised to be
in my very own life

i still am here
after you have
shown me that
there is nothing
worth staying for

waiting for the right timing
when it is not even present

praying for a shooting star
when it is not even present

hoping for a miracle
when is it not even present

staying loyal to everything
when they are not even present

i purposely put myself down
only to be told by others
how strong my worth is
because i like hearing it from them
when i cannot tell myself
in times of loneliness

i am counting stars in someone else’s sky
when theirs do not glow as bright as mine
for i wish for a life different from now
where i am too blind to notice
all of my blessings that have not been counted

maybe one day
we can pick up where we left

forget the heartbreak we both left
with scars from our pain healed
patching the past with our present

lead me your hand to kiss softly
just like the many times in the past
let one beginning spark an eternity

let me be the fault you knew
and forgive my mistakes of dawn

so that maybe one day
we can be that reality
you always dreamt of

i never wanted to be more dependent
on the reflection staring at me in the mirror

until

i understood that this would be the only
staring back at me with the tears falling

the love i lived for you
isn't acknowledgeable
to the present state
you exist contently in

the respect i showed you
is incomprehensible
to the women
of your depressing
future

the game you showed me
is nothing comparable
to the revenge i seek
to play horrendously
on your deceiving soul

the betrayal you gifted me
is nowhere near the blessing
i am given from above
to end your successful
falsely uphold life

for i am the game
you played the best

i was scared of the commitment
you were begging for me to give
because i could never commit to myself

i think what i miss the most
about your existence
is the idea that i have created
religiously believing a dream
that you were the perfect one
for my gracious life
when in fact
you were the worse pairing
for my soul to ever encounter

i need more of myself
to fall deeply in love
with everything about me

time let go of the hatred
and now i see a perspective
where i just want you to be happy
even if it is not with me

i do not know how to explain it
but it must be because
i am in love
& my heart assures me
with strong beats of symphony
that he is the one meant for me

we knew other
but not well enough
to shed a tear or two
when it was over

                       - acceptance

spring break of two thousand fifteen my family & i traveled to florida. i was limited to my activities because of how fragile i was. keep in mind i just admitted to my family about my eating disorder so we were still adjusting to everything. my sister went to an amusement park without me which was probably the first time being truly separated on vacation. i was upset but i understand that if i went i would not have enjoyed the time there much. she came back late with a big disney bag in her hand swinging it in front of my eyes. inside the bag was disney's despicable me minion themed accessories. a shirt. socks. slippers. & a stuffed animal. it was like the sun exploded in front of my eyes as the goods were decorated with yellow creatures of big eyes with goggles & blue overalls. truth be told i was not so excited to receive this gift because i never saw the movie & who wanted endless yellow gifts? that night of receiving the gifts i decided to trade in my traveling stuffed animal for the yellow plush minion. i wrapped the yellow creature close to my body as i wore the yellow socks my sister also gifted me. the next morning i felt different. i felt a little more me. the old me that has been dead for a long time. i wanted to try to eat something for once. i think i was kind of hungry that morning. the minions rescued me. i was saved from death because of them. because my sister got me them. to comfort me during a dark time. to this day my favorite movie is despicable me. i am a collector of anything having to do with the movie. my room is now colored yellow with about thirty minions scattered all over the place. i have been saved.

for i am terrified
that i will not
be able to experience
a contacting rendezvous
between the sweet souls
we once glorified the world with

for i am fearful
that i will not
be able to hear
your deceiving voice
once again in my lifetime

for i hold a deep fear
that you have moved on

i wanted to show you the world
but i realized
it was standing right in front of me

woken haste-fully six fifty three
daily serene mid-evening nap
desperate for his loyal presence
yearning to make amends with past

i can feel his company close
desert burning temperature
his hands all over my body
lost innocent catholic girl image

his beautiful name is strictly scripted
only language i have learned to speak
rolling seductively off my tongue
pure temptation to announce hell

room easing with darkness
calming shadows keep me safe
his apparition always present
yet it was only just a dream

his name is on my mind
hauntingly beautiful
i think about him everywhere
turn my dreams to nightmares

he told me he can mend my pain
just like how the others told the same
he asked me to point to where it hurts most
i took his hand & placed it on my heart

and if i move slightly close enough
will you remember the smell of me
when you are physically in contact
with the girl you claim not to love

i believe poetry is one of the many
reasons i am still here living life

my blood and bones cannot rest
until i have the chance to present

every detail i need to pronounce
greatly to crowds of great masses

& suddenly everything became about you.

everyone has something to talk about
whether those who speak
are with you or not
they will always have their mouth
better must to make it a story
they can endlessly tell decades about

it shall return back to your sweet soul
the moment you have made a vow to
yourself that the lively eyes of devotion
must embark on another adventure
in search for beauty in something else
within the life you are accustomed to
because you are immune to the living
of your original journey of what the eyes
of you possess have longed endlessly for

                                                            - set it free

you are waiting for things
that have already been
designated to a new owner

it is so painful to sleep
through the night
when the stars & moon
whisper stories about you
as my pillow kisses my face
exactly as you once did