i thought you loved me,
you lied to me every night,
you never loved me
I was about to give up,
But then he loved me,
and kissed me,
and i saw the stars for what they were,
and not what wanted them to be; wishes.
I think i finally know what i want,
and i'm afraid to tell him,
but i know he wants the same thing,
an easy and simple forever,
he is the reason why i am still living; a survivor.
to get past the anxiety,
to get past the depression that consumes me,
to stop finding ways to blame myself,
and hurting myself because i was too weak,
he made me see the beauty in things; in our faults.
and i love him,
i love him more than i have ever loved and it feels good.
because i'm not afraid anymore
They won't tell you it hurts,
as his hands snake to your shirt.
They won't tell you it's his fault,
as your wounds are filled with salt.
They won't tell you it's will okay,
as he leads you on by being fake.
You won't know why it happened to you,
there was know way you could have known.
You won't have any help during the long nights,
where you remember the feeling of his bites.
You won't escape the dark,
and will avoid going to the park.
she will blame you for wearing those short skirts.
will be disappointed at you for lying.
Your younger sister,
will come and cuddle with you even though she is too young.
they say i was asking for it...
that i wore the low cut top for attention...
that my skirt was the purpose of all of this...
because i wore makeup at night...
and my perfume was too sweet and lingered...
they tell me that i am lying...
that it didn't happen like that...
that i wanted it...
they tell me how i felt during it all...
what they don't know:
it was 1:43am when i last checked my phone and was walking home.
i was 150m from my house.
i was standing underneath a streetlight to answer a text.
i was cold.
i was 17.
i wore those close because i felt good about myself.
he came out of the dark.
he was evil in his eyes.
his hands covered my mouth and wrapped around my neck.
i tried to fight against him as he dragged me away.
i tried to scream.
i tried to get away.
but i was asking for this, right?
he held me down against the cold cement.
pulled at my clothes until they ripped.
until my ***** were exposed and my skirt was at my ankles.
until my ******* were nothing but fabric next to my head.
he made sure i didn't make a sound.
he whispered things to me i will never forget.
the feeling of his hands around my throat won't ever go away.
or the way i was used and exposed.
he was stronger than me.
he made his and took everything away from me.
he then left me.
after knocking me out.
left behind a dumpster, i was alone when i woke up.
i was cold.
i was alone.
i had nothing left to call clothes.
nothing to cover me.
i was naked.
i was only 150m from home.
where i would have been safe.
nobody heard this happen.
The won't tell you it to your face,
but it's always the pretty girls' fault.
3. ghosts and demons
4. being watched by a ghost
5. creepy noises when I’m sleeping
6. my anxiety consuming me
7. my depression consuming me
8. the dark of my bad days
10. you leaving me
11. you lying to me about how you feel
12. you cheating on me
13. you loving another girl while you’re with me
14. you just learning to love someone else
15. that I’m not enough
16. that I’m not enough for you…
17. that everything you have ever told me has all been a lie
18. that one day I will be a bad mother
19. that one day I will be a bad wife
20. that I will remain a bad person forever
21. that I might ever not learn to love myself the way I deserve
22. that I won’t be happy
23. that I actually am a bad person
24. that people talk about me behind my back
25. that no one actually likes me for who I am
26. that everybody is faking
27. that everybody really hates me
28. that I deserve all of this…
33. creepy old men
34. the internet
35. people who don’t know me
36. people who will hurt me
37. people who think I deserve the way they treat me
38. people who hurt me regardless
39. people who don’t care about me
40. being broken again and again and again…
call them fears, i am just scared of these things. you don't need to understand, but i do want you to know. maybe you'll love me less, maybe you won't. only one way to find out, right?
I am not okay
And I guess that's okay, but
I hate how I feel
We were unbreakable
.... till you lied
............... and broke my heart
Now from the same lips
Sorry is not enough
"shut your mouth, you fat *****!"
oh alright. i wasn't talking but sorry for displeasing you.
"you're soo ******* annoying, you should go die!"
i already know that, but thanks for the reminder.
" your face annoys me, go somewhere you belong"
you get to treat me like this and tell me *"it's nothing personal, darling"
it is personal,
because you only treat me like this.
it is personal,
because you remind me every single day of my ******* miserable life.
so **** this,
i'm over your ****.
you can think whatever the ******* want,
i don't give a **** anymore.
it's time i do me, and not what you want.