You
1.
used to refer to the person or people that the speaker is addressing.
"are you listening?"
2.
used to refer to any person in general.
"after a while, you get used to it"

I wish I wasn't listening
Or reading
To the broken
The mourning
The snide remarks
The boos
The cheers

I never got used to it.
The teasing
The gap
Just because
I'm Korean

We were
All
Walking the tightrope
And
I,
Disappointingly
But
Unsurprisingly,
Fell.

Book
­Music
Films
Sports
Art
Dance
I went through them all,
Trying to find relief.

But none came.

I am not what you think I am.
No one knows the true me
Hell
I don't even know.

"Have you ever smiled?"
"I never seen you smile,
Is there something wrong?"
"Are you alright?"

The question bounce
Around me
Eating me
Drinking me
Consuming me
Breaking me

I lost my smile
At a very young age
I stopped talking after that
Singing
Dancing
Being ME
Was a totally different girl

I sit
With my math in front of me
After a violin performance.
Being called nerd,
Asian
Yellow
Bomber
North K
******
Gay
******
*******
Medusa

I'm used to it now.

I look up, and
smile at my mother
Who loves me
And hates me
"After your homework is done,
Dry your hair and
Get ready
For your concert
On Saturday."
She kisses my head
While my father scoffs

"How did you get 2nd chair
With no skill?
You're only on book three"

I look away.

I look back.

My father hasn't spoken.
Nor my mother

They're downstairs

And
I
Just
Cry.

I thought we would be friends.
Isn't that why you said
Until the very end?

Of course,
It was my fault!
For standing up for her.
For ruining your little game
Of tears and broken hearts.

Of course,
it was their fault!
Not that you were cheating,
Not that you lied,
Not that you stole.

And of course,
It wasn't her fault!
Your lovely older sister.
Please don't pin the blame on her,
Please don't tell lies about her,
Please, she told me she was fine
Alive
Healthy.

Certainly, you did nothing wrong.

One year passed
I still think of you
And cry
The cameras found you last
In that store
Where you brought the razors.

The hospital did everything
We didn't heed your warnings
With you
Tattoo,
Like the
Black dog
Tattoo

'Marriage is a slow death'
You were married to the music
You spoke out
Saying that
We were your antidote,
But
I feel
That we were
Also the poison.

Doing the thing you loved
Killed you,
Slowly
Over
Years and
Years,

I remember when
They announced the funeral.
It was on TV,
You being a star and all.

I'm sorry I wasn't there.
Your mother looked nice,
And I felt bad
To
See
Her cry.

I'll remember you
And what you did for me
And
So many others
And
What you stood for

I always ask,
"Did I help
Or
Did I hurt
Him?
And his career
And his friends?"

I hate that I can't get over it,
But I tried to go to you
And others that I love
But I thought,
"Would he want
People to hurt
Because of him?"
So I stopped.

December 18th
3 days away
From my birthday
1 day away
From when I was
Supposed to be born.

3+1= 4 without you
You left us with four great others,
But
My
SHINee
Will
Always
Be
5

I couldn't sleep,
So I went to you.

But you pushed me away,
And just said
"I don't need you, talk to your friends",

Knowing

Full well

They're asleep.

When I told you,

All you said was

"Well then, that's your problem, not mine."

may 14th
this year is going by too fast
asian/asian pacific heritage month will be over in like, two weeks?
i feel guilty for not being more involved in my culture
i'm not even fluent in korean

may 25th
i'm angry
i want to punch someone (trump)
but he's not the only one to blame
i want to go back to korea and my family

may 28th
disappointment is the word i'm looking for
america advertising itself as 'the land for equal opportunity'
but the fact we even need to say that every life matters
is just so frustrating

may 30th
i feel empty, but not in an angsty way
it's more of an, 'good grief, that took longer than it should've'
a weight is now on my chest and i can't tell if it's comfortable of not
i wonder if my sleep paralysis demon will come visit tonight

may 31st
being kind and passive is no longer an option
if you're invalidating someone because of their race/orientation/disabilities
meet me behind the dairy queen at seven in the morning to square up
bring your best, because i'll flip you like an omlette

there's this kid
his name is john
he said on the first
day of school
that he wasn't
vaccinated.
he touched my
thigh (ew)
made me wanna die
someone call the police.
please.

The Steps
I take
In
The morning:

Wake up

Cry

Tell the world
You don't
Deserve to
Live.

Think
About
Him.

Slect
The mask
You will
Like to
Wear
Today.

Change Accordingly.

Smile
(Or at least try to)

Put on
The mask
And pray
It comes off

Hide the eye bags
with foundation

Cover the scars
with fabric

Dry
The
Tears.

Last
But not least

Laugh
Laugh until your face hurts
Laugh until you cry
Laugh until your stomach hurts.
Laugh until the next morning.
Because
You'll
Never
Laugh
Again
Without
Them