I miss you but I do not know you,
You walked out of a dream,
Although I had never seen
Someone like you.

As though you and me have never been apart,
Now you've stolen my heart.

When I don't see you, I miss you.
And I begin to feel blue.

When I'm ready to say goodbye,
you come around and say hi.

When I see you around, I want to run up to you and embrace you in my arms.
Then I remember I don't know you, and remember to act calm.

When I see you smile,
I feel that I could just watch you for a while...

But then I remember I don't know you. So I look away.

But the best pleasure is to see you filled with joy and laughing in a group of friends. So I say goodbye and pray for your life to be filled with love and joy.

Please
Read no further if you don't like
Who I am
And who I am
Is constantly
Changing
I shift with the tide on the blackest nights
I move with the waters
Sway like the branches
Blow like the wind
And I never know
Never ever
If I'm coming or
Leaving

So hear me now
And listen close
Put on your spectacles
If you need to
But what I'm saying here
Is change
Change
Shift
Transformation
It's been said a million times before
And it'll be said a million times after this
But when are we going to change?
Not just me
and not just you
And not just your family
and your neighbors and
your teachers
and cousins and
grandparents
I mean us
As a whole
As a complete and full circle
When are we going to break the cycle
Of what we think works
And realize it just
Isn't
And implement a new process
A new line of thought
An "experimental" approach, say?
Now people don't like that word
Because people are scared of change
And they don't believe in taking chances or risks or putting their own ***** on the line but come on!
When are we going to realize that living the same old way
In the same old house
Thinking the same old thoughts
With the same old brains
Is getting us nowhere?

I am totally going mad- crazy – insane… Not that you wake up one morning and you’ve tumbled into the wonderland of insanity…no! Sadly, it is a slow and painful process. Fortunately no one is around at night to watch the horror show of Nita as it plays out. Since contact with and assistance from a Demonologist seems unlikely, perhaps a stake through the heart would work.

I’m terrible at a lot of things right now. I can’t seem to shake this horrible darkness. I can’t. It has applied for permanent residence and I’ve no idea how to evict it. And ******* if you say “medication” or “mindfullness” is the answer. And the ******* suicidal thoughts and general feelings of doom are compounded by the fact that I can never do anything right anymore. I seem to fail everybody that I care about.

And I can “plan” my life down to the minute… but the fact is that even when I make plans I cannot follow through with them because….listen carefully, I am too ******* mess up to do anything right. I just don’t care about anything anymore. I see my future stretched out before me and it’s the same pattern as the past…long depressing periods of self-hate and destruction followed by 10 minute of happiness and sense of accomplishing something. Really, there’s so little to look forward to- except more of the same. Endless years spent in isolation…cheery, eh?

What it all comes down too, really, is the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. I wasn’t worth anything to anyone or someone would have noticed, someone would have cared, helped me, seen me. But I just didn’t matter. Everything else and everyone else mattered and I didn’t matter. I still feel that way. Hence the overwhelming thoughts of just ending it. It’s hard to want to live when all you can see are the ways you don’t matter. And yes, I get that there are a few people who care about me. And I am truly sorry to yet again disappoint.

I don’t matter. Rationally I know that I do matter a little to a couple of people. And they want me around. But that doesn’t change the fact that deep inside of me, I don’t believe it. I know they would be better off without my depressed self in their lives. I’m too tired. It’s too overwhelming to know that I’ll just keep fighting the same ******* battle of trying to unsuccessfully convince myself that I’m worth anything at all for the rest of my pointless ******* life. No thanks….

Besides, I’m tired. I feel old. Mostly, I’m just waiting around to die, anyway. It’s unbearably sad. I see myself from the outside and I think – what a waste. What a beautiful girl. What an empty life she leads. Poor lonely thing, she’ll never know that thrill of living, of actually feeling alive. If only she could have mattered maybe it could have been different. But she didn’t…

From the dust of your feet
to the rough of your hair,
everything,
i'm loving it.
All of it.

The scars and spots on your skin,
just like small glittering stones
mesmerized by the beautiful rays of the sun.

The very sweat you perspire,
just like the sea,
its so visible
as i take one long refreshing look
at the back of your shirt

Your fierce care
and fiery concern
erupts the very base
of my throat.

Your Quarrels with me
vibrates the dancing monster
in my eyes and tongue.

Everytime we make up,
its like a slow whistling wind
coupling with the flowers.

Before every treasure i know of
in this world,
it is you.