I'm lost.
Sometimes I don't want to be found.

Sometimes I want to scream.
Sometimes I don't want to make a sound.

Can I sleep for days?
I want to try for it.

Fevers break...
And I'm trapped in bones fragile like porcelain.

If only I could find some sort of balance
between fire and ice.

There is no gray smudge amid the black and white.
There's only dark and there's only light.

I'm cold on a hot summer's day.
I'm wondering if you'll stay...

Always.

Come be broken with me.

Others have damaged our trust.
And I have gained more fear than courage from it.

I know you have too.

I can't promise you fearlessness or perfection.

But I can promise you that I will try my best to feel better than okay.

So I sit here all alone.
When the nights seem to come alive.
And the shadows begin to fade.

With every ounce of my being I lie here...
And pretend that it doesn't even matter that you're not by my side.

This bed is so empty.
But it's something I have been getting used to.

Waking up alone is never fun,
but neither is an unwanted heart.

So I hope you find happiness in the records we used to play.
I hope you feel bittersweet when I cross your mind.

Because miles between us don't matter anymore.
And this broken heart is starting to heal.

But how is yours doing?

I feel weightless...

The skies know too well.
A star far from home.
But I am shining brighter each day.

Because I want this.
I want all of it.

With this journey we've started...
Baby, we've got it goin' on.

I've got a hand to hold and we've got things to do.
And I'll do everything with you.

We cruise through the streets of LA and Venice like we own it.
And in our world, we do.

Our coffee shop favorites with a hint of excellence.
The rest is up to us.

We're forgiving and forgetful.
We connect.
The corners of our minds meeting with complete excitement.

Our pasts haven't defined us.
And they won't.

We are the warriors.
Our bodies covered in scars.
The world has battled us since day 1.
But we've made it this far.

Do you ever think how things could have gone differently?
That in the back of your mind...
Life would have made more sense?

I lie to my own reflection...
Believing that everything I do is right.
So I don't see myself cry.

I hide behind my own shadow.
More fearful of myself than of it.

I am confusing.
I can hurt and be hurt...
Sometimes all at once.

Our eyes tell stories our tongues can't bare to speak.
So I'll strip them down to the naked truth...

It seems to be as deep as the sea.
I'm struggling to pull on the anchor
that's making my heart sink.

Nothing has changed here...
As much as I have replayed the movie, records, reread the chapters...
The outcome will always be the same.

But there is a thread of hope things will have a different ending.

It never is new.
I question why I continue to play these mind games with myself...

The bed is empty.
I only set the table for one.

There are days I'll let my coffee get cold.
Because I'm day dreaming too much.

Loneliness has me in a slumber.
And I can't seem to wake myself up.

I stared at the ground...
So I didn't have to look you in the eye.

Fear covered me like a darkening veil.
And with every breath I exhaled...
I could not stop the feeling that this isn't meant to be.

I questioned everything.
And I still do.

I think you've disappeared for good now.
In my mind I keep thinking you will return to me.
And our late night conversations continue.

But so far that hasn't happened.
I wonder how long I'll keep caring anymore.

You had me in the palm of your hand.
I was willing to give you all that I am.

Down to the naked truth.
I'm sure we will never see each other now.
Even though that's all I've been wishing for.

I wish you would kiss me.
I wish you would put your arms around me.
But you won't.

Not now.
Probably not ever.

And I feel so empty from it.
Destroyed in a sense.
But I still have the strength to turn the other cheek I suppose.

I guess this is just what some people do.
If only I could move on and my heart wouldn't ache so much.

Home alone.
Just waiting.

The time passes by so slowly.
The honey suckle burns quick.

And the smoke circles around my mind.

Silence is lingering.
Even my own reflection is lonely.

Come home.

Our eyes tell stories our tongues can't bare to speak.
So I'll strip them down to the root...
That seems to be as deep as the darkening sea.
I'm struggling to pull on the anchor
that's making my heart sink to them...

Why am I so self destructive?
I can create such beautiful things...
But then I destroy them.

I live with the pettiest of fears.
Ones I can ******* get over.

So why can't I get over them?

******* my destructive self.

The thunder calls like an old friend.
I live electric.

But these dark clouds cover me up...
The blankets on beds I've never made.

Shadows share the walls.
They come and go.
They never stay.

I see myself in strangers' habits.
How similar they seem.

Beneath these layers I'll unfold,
Dreams and darkening things.

I'm an artist.
I'm a poet.
I'm crazy.
I know it.

But I'm curious at heart and at mind.

I'm wild and I'll shelter that.
Until I feel you can handle it.

Let's see what happens with time.

How do you look someone in the eye for the last time?
It's so hard to think that we will be saying goodbye.
We've ended a chapter we'll reread years to come.
But only in our heads.

As I try to erase whatever polaroids seem to consume my mind...
I am reminded that at one time there was something.
I will never know what that something could have turned into.
But we both agreed to turn our backs on each other.
We knew it wasn't meant to be.

We'll live on in social media likes.
Hidden hash tags with hidden meanings.

Why do you do this to me?

I'm stuck in between who I've been and who I want to become.
The decisions are always more difficult now...
And my mind likes to dance around thoughts and ideas in order to cope.

I feel weak but not completely wounded.

I'm tired.
I want to sleep some.

The days seem to go by quickly but situations seem dragged out.

I don't know where to be or where to go.

So I stand here.

The wound is still fresh.
And my heart isn't fully committed.

So I'll lay out all the pieces...
And move on without them.

The bottle of wine is almost empty...

And I'm singing along to the 90's songs I've always listened to.


Nothing can stop me now.
So here I sit.
With my cat in my lap who is sleeping peacefully.

Spending a Wednesday night alone.

There is something here.
There is a flame...

Small, but alive...

And I feel it thawing whatever bitter coldness,
I have obtained from the shoulders of others.

I stay up late in the night...
In hopes the darkness
will devour me

And transform all that I am

Into all that I will be.

When it rains I want to feel every drop.
Let it blend in with the tears I cannot seem to escape.

Because the sea will continue to be wild and unpredictable.
The birds will continue to sing freely.

And I must learn to walk alone at times.

I lie beside you
But feel oceans apart

- disconnected

Goodnight seems to be the hardest thing to say.
Because I would stay awake for days just talking to you.

You're a mystery book I want to read every day.
A thriller I cannot put down.

If the stars would align in my favor...
They would lead you to me.

I feel a connection unlike any other.

So take my hand and let's start this adventure.
We're too young to feel this old.

Though our souls seem older than anyone else would ever imagine.

There are so many paths we don't take...
And I constantly am questioning what the other paths would lead to.

Why do I always waste thoughts on past loves?
Why am I always wondering what could have been?

I cannot ever seem to shake this feeling of missing out.
Even when I don't know what it is.

I'm lonely.
And you've all taken pieces of me you have yet to return.
And probably never will.

How can I trust anymore?
When all they do is leave...

They always leave...

And I often wonder what could have been...
Had they stayed...

I miss you like the desert misses rain.
A love with a bitter sweet ending.

Can we begin again?
I hope so.

I do not fear the road before me...

Nor do I look behind.

I’ve seen storms of anguish and terror
I feel pain from wounds still not healing right.

The darkness no longer lingers...
as much as I thought it would.

And yet every ounce of my being...
Is still searching for the good.

I’ve been fighting monsters
Darker than the sea

I’ve been moving mountains
I’ve been moving trees

Our love has ended abruptly
Shorter than we agreed
And now I must move on

Only looking out for me

I'll count the hours it has been in between thoughts of you.

Some days I find it harder to get out of bed knowing you're not in it with me.

There's this void I think you could fill.
There's this love I could give you.
There's this love I think you could give me in return.

So many what if's.
So many day dreams of what could be.

I struggle with the thought if you're even real at all.

Lie beside me once more.
And I'll pretend that everything is fine.
Just this once.

It's as if we've started over...
But with the knowledge we've gained over the years...

We'll play our songs.
Flipping through the vinyl like it's our first time again.

Smoking and drinking.

The ***** habits we had and maybe still have.

I'm stuck with the memories...
Good and bad.

And sometimes I find myself wishing for those old routines.

But I must move on.
Just like I've done.
Just like you've been doing too.

I feel your arms around me still.
Even though you're not here.

I like to pretend this bed is just the right size.

And without hearing your voice...
I can still remember it.

Without seeing your eyes.
I can remember looking into them.

Even though we are far apart.
You are not forgotten.

And when I finally decide to come back your way.
I waste my time or breath.

Because even though you still come to mind...
I can't bring myself to stand in front of you once again.

Those snowy nights.
Where we'd run barefoot to the hot tub.

And we would watch the snow fall.
Taking in every minute of it.

We didn't live the normal life by any means.
But there were normal times.

So if you see me looking back, don't hesitate to speak.
Because you were apart of it just as much as me.

No more excuses.
The lies have run their course.

I've been myself this entire time.
As much as you've hated to see it.
As much as you've tried to change it.

I would rather stand alone...
Than be under your thumb.

So lay your broken promises...
And those self assuring thoughts to bed.

Because I'm not coming back to the house I used to call home.
Your open arms are a trap.
Hiding a heart that can't break down walls...
But one that only builds them up more.

I'll keep pushing for greatness.
Because that's what I am.

I saw something beautiful.
Your eyes would not look.

I heard something inspiring.
You wouldn't listen.

I wanted to share with you...
What I saw.
What I heard.
What I felt.

But as much as I tried to get your attention.
To get your eyes to see the beauty in what I was giving you...

You looked away.
You can still hear.
But you don't want to listen.

You can still feel.
But you don't want to touch.

If the stars sing tonight, we will hear our song.
Because they've aligned perfectly for us.

We are falling...

Madly...
Passionately...
Deeply...

In love.

I feel the electricity in your lips.
A spark has ignited.

Our souls sing something we've never heard.

I feel it.
Can you?

This is it.
We are growing.
We are learning.
Always.

It's once we learn how to talk to ourselves...
That we find the peace we need.

I've cracked.

I feel like my mind is slowly slipping.
I can't seem to even come up with the words sometimes.

Because the shock value of it all still haunts me.
It always haunts me.

Leave me here.

I am independent.
I've learned well enough to pick up the pieces on my own.

I've done it more than you think.

I'll be there soon.
Give me a minute.

Why is it when something bad happens do I always want to write about it?
Writing about happiness makes me feel sappy.
But once there is a problem...
I put pen to paper.
I see.
I think.
I feel...

I feel that imagination.
That sense of power.
That freedom.


And in those times of silence...
When neither one of us has anything to say...
My mind wanders further and further away.

Deep inside my soul.
Searching for that feeling again.

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own body.
As if my soul is caged behind my ribs...

My mind never shuts off.
A constant movie replaying and replaying.

Those terrible times.
My adolescent years...
My constant mistakes.

I am filled with regret.
I am paralyzed by my past.
Unable to move forward with life.

Feeling the memories in the back of my mind still...
I've tried so hard to make them go away.
But they don't perish into the flames of yesterday.
They are still here.
And they still haunt me.

I lie beneath the darkening sky.
Wondering where I'll be this time next year.

Maybe I'll take a trip far away.
Just to miss this place and come back again.

This isn't home, but no place has been...
So I'll pretend it is for now.

I fall in love with strangers at shows.
Someone's eyes locking with mine.
And for a split second my heart races.
Because you never know if this could lead to something good.
They obviously have great taste in music...
I find that so attractive.
But in the end, our eyes kept meeting...
And we never did.

It makes my mind wonder what could have been.

It felt like a dream.
And everything was right.
It still feels right.

Confusion has struck me.
You've pushed space in between us.
And I can't figure out why.

The room is so silent.
And I'm all alone.

I cannot fix what I don't know I've broken.

So tell me.
Please.

I've forgotten where I stand...
As if the path has been walked without me.

Because I'm too concerned about myself.
Too concerned that I'm not pretty or proper enough.

Watching every move I make carefully.
Tasting the words that tend to slip out of my mouth.

Falling for the wrong things and people.

In time and space you'll find me...
Cornered in a dim room.
Still reading the same books.

Cuddling the same cat.

It will be as if nothing has changed...
But everything has.

Just wait and see.

My mind is full of curiousity...
For this new adventure ahead.

And you.

I wonder what your dreams are...
And how much of the world you have left to see...

Does your heart hold an anchor with a chain?
Or do you sail across yourself freely?

Are you willing to plunge into the depths of yourself and see every ounce of your existence?

Are you willing to see mine?

So here we are....
And as many mistakes as I have made...

I am wishing I would have never told you half of them.

Because giving me the cold shoulder is torture.
And you've been on my mind ever since we spent the night together.

It was so perfect.
So real.

And even through the smoke...
I could see who you really are.

I've been tossing and turning ever since.

Keep going...
Don't look back.

Refresh.
Restart.

Over and over.
Until it feels right.
Until it feels like you can breathe again.



I can finally breathe again.

No longer feeling trapped.
My soul begins to sing.

No longer praying for oxygen while I'm being pulled under.
Drowning.

I've broken free of my anchor.
I am floating.
I'm a fighter.

I can swim again...
To the surface

Sinking was never an option.

Let go...
Let it all go.

The regrets.
The embarrassment.
The shame.

Let.
It.
All.
Go.

I'll keep living each day without you by my side.
It isn't easy but I still make it to bed each night.

I wonder how you're doing.
And if I'm ever on your mind.

So many day dreams have been had.
So many things we have said.

I'm hoping at some point they turn out to be true.
I can only hope that you're true to your word...
And that you'll meet me at midnight along the shore.

We'll skinny dip in the sea with only the moon there to watch.
And we'll see if we make sense together or not.