It was a lonely day.
Cold and bitter.

Her hair covered her shoulders like a light sweater.
Her breath was almost visible.

The seasons were changing...
And so was she.

The bed is empty.
I only set the table for one.

There are days I'll let my coffee get cold.
Because I'm day dreaming too much.

Loneliness has me in a slumber.
And I can't seem to wake myself up.

The wound is still fresh.
And my heart isn't fully committed.

So I'll lay out all the pieces...
And move on without them.

As I gazed at her through the light...
I saw her fading.
She was transparent, predictable.
She was paper thin.
And through her skin...
The words began to surface.
I read them over and over...
Like the pages of my favorite books.
She had become my favorite book.
And I never want it to end.

I lie beneath the darkening sky.
Wondering where I'll be this time next year.

Maybe I'll take a trip far away.
Just to miss this place and come back again.

This isn't home, but no place has been...
So I'll pretend it is for now.

Some days, I find it harder to get out of bed more than usual.
Like somehow it's the only comfort I can find in the world.
Or at least...
To distract me from the outside world.

Some days I would rather stay dreaming.
To be able to shed my skin and reveal my soul.

But no one ever looks close enough.
No one ever stays.

I feel socially awkward.
Terrified to strike up a conversation with a beautiful stranger.

I don't feel worthy of their presence.
Some days, I don't feel worthy at all.

So I lay in bed again.
Too awake to sleep.
Dreaming out loud.
Trying to motivate myself to get out of bed tomorrow morning with ease.

But I don't know if that will happen.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?

The bottle of wine is almost empty...

And I'm singing along to the 90's songs I've always listened to.


Nothing can stop me now.
So here I sit.
With my cat in my lap who is sleeping peacefully.

Spending a Wednesday night alone.

Speak to me the way you used to.
With that slight bit of sarcasm on the tip of your tongue.

I'll listen.
I promise.

I've cracked.

I feel like my mind is slowly slipping.
I can't seem to even come up with the words sometimes.

Because the shock value of it all still haunts me.
It always haunts me.

Leave me here.

I am independent.
I've learned well enough to pick up the pieces on my own.

I've done it more than you think.

I'll be there soon.
Give me a minute.

So we have made it this far.
And maybe we will finally leave our shadows behind.

Because before us...
The sun is rising.

And I want to have coffee with you.

This piano is missing keys...
And I'm missing the music that was played on it.

Weeping willows are caressed by the summer breeze.
Where the fire flies wish to kiss the stars.

And my hand holds yours.

I never want to leave your side.
Never.

Your eyes show me your soul.
How it dances behind them...

Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.

Every morning is a fresh start.
With a new beat to feel in your chest.

I see it.
I know it so well...

And here I am...
Standing before you.
Like I want to.

Jealousy isn't an option.
Because even though we may be putting the pieces together...
It won't be the same puzzle you started.

Everything seems to be falling into place.
So perfectly.

As if it's too good to be true.
So my heart takes small steps...
Treading lightly on those familiar feelings.

Knowing that at any moment it could crumble.
But I keep tiptoeing...
Forward.

Breathe.

I want to believe it all so quickly...

In my mind, I know the warning signs...
In my heart, I feel the pain of the past.
Reminding me of the risks I am taking.
In my soul, yours is intertwined with mine.

I love you.
Deeper than any sea.
More than any amount of time I have left.
I would give you my last breath if you asked.

You've been gone for so long now.
I call out your name in the darkness.

Rain or shine you will always be on my mind.

You died with such grace, such beauty.
And in the end I loved you even more than I ever thought I could.
Because you were not afraid.
Even when you knew death was near.

Why am I so self destructive?
I can create such beautiful things...
But then I destroy them.

I live with the pettiest of fears.
Ones I can ******* get over.

So why can't I get over them?

******* my destructive self.

It all comes back here and there...
The memories...
The noises...
What it feels like...

To live a life of bits and pieces...

...and to be reminded of the scattered soul I am.

With this journey we've started...
Baby, we've got it goin' on.

I've got a hand to hold and we've got things to do.
And I'll do everything with you.

We cruise through the streets of LA and Venice like we own it.
And in our world, we do.

Our coffee shop favorites with a hint of excellence.
The rest is up to us.

We're forgiving and forgetful.
We connect.
The corners of our minds meeting with complete excitement.

Our pasts haven't defined us.
And they won't.

We are the warriors.
Our bodies covered in scars.
The world has battled us since day 1.
But we've made it this far.

I'll keep pushing for greatness.
Because that's what I am.

The roads seem lonely.
My bed feels extra big.

The house is empty.
And so is my heart.

I feel powerless.

There is something here.
There is a flame...

Small, but alive...

And I feel it thawing whatever bitter coldness,
I have obtained from the shoulders of others.

Nameless people pass me.
And in the crowd of blurring faces...
I search for you.

I know you're out there.
Somewhere.

And I just want you to know I'm here.

Most times you will find me silent.
Unwilling to put the thoughts into sentences.
But I promise you;
I will return.

Step by step,
Piece by piece,
We will examine each one on it's own.

We'll lighten the darkness a little,
And make it a more pleasant view.

Imagination I leave for you to decide what to do with.

We're floating...
And before we know it,
we will hit the ground.

I question what may come from it.

I question a lot of things.
But it's all out of cautiousness.
My heart can't take the heat anymore.

The flames burn.
And I scar.
Remembering always what has happened.

But you...
As many times as I have told others 'this one is different.'
You feel different.

I have not touched your skin yet.
Or been able to gaze into your eyes as we lay side by side in bed.

I know you somewhat though.

I know that you're close with your family.
Especially your little sister who makes you laugh constantly.

I know that you've been hurt and mistreated by girls you loved kindheartedly.

I know that you're passionate about different things.
Like your career.
And your dreams.

You're humble.
And you know you are, but you never fake it.

And when I see you smile...
I know everything is going to be okay.

Do you feel guilty?
Is that why you still have words to say?

Has my silence started to eat away the bitterness you've always had?

Or maybe it's the holidays that make you feel something at all.
That cold, cold heart of yours seems to be heating up again...

I won't fall for it again this time.

You may still have a hold on me in ways...
But I am standing taller than ever before.

Try.
Try all you want.

But the results are always going to remain the same.

Nothing.

When it rains I want to feel every drop.
Let it blend in with the tears I cannot seem to escape.

Because the sea will continue to be wild and unpredictable.
The birds will continue to sing freely.

And I must learn to walk alone at times.

We moved together in the dark.
And we danced around our own demons.

Until today.
When mine began to dance around me.

It's nothing new...
But it hasn't happened in a while.

White turned to black once more.
And I have forgotten what it's like to feel this way.

The truth is...
Part of me missed it.

Your entrance is welcoming.
A new flower in bloom.

Mystery fills the air
You light my curiousity

I feel the electricity in your lips.
A spark has ignited.

Our souls sing something we've never heard.

I feel it.
Can you?

This is it.
We are growing.
We are learning.
Always.

It's once we learn how to talk to ourselves...
That we find the peace we need.

How hurtful the world can be...
When I'm just trying to be me.

Truth be told, I'm not very good at this.
But I am figuring out how to be.

-Life

The thunder calls like an old friend.
I live electric.

But these dark clouds cover me up...
The blankets on beds I've never made.

Shadows share the walls.
They come and go.
They never stay.

Swirling inside me is a message I've yet to decipher.
As I continue the search for my own peace of mind...
I fumble and trip with continuous confusion as to what is going on.

Reality is unreal at times.
Where it seems like the world is a Hollywood hit.

I'm watching this all continue.
I'm watching it all fall down.

I rise above it all...
I rise again every time I fall too.

I've become jaded and mediocre.

I know I can be better.
I'm pushing for that again.

I'm stuck in between who I've been and who I want to become.
The decisions are always more difficult now...
And my mind likes to dance around thoughts and ideas in order to cope.

I feel weak but not completely wounded.

I'm tired.
I want to sleep some.

The days seem to go by quickly but situations seem dragged out.

I don't know where to be or where to go.

So I stand here.

The years continue to come.
And what we've had, still fades.

Because we continue holding on...
For anything.
For everything.

You disappear here and there.
I always wonder where you are.

But I don't go searching for answers.
Because I know you'll reappear when you're ready.

Tonight your wall started to crumble even more.
More than what I'm used to seeing.

You weren't bringing this wall down to rebuild later...
This time you didn't leave me with just a taste.

You let me in.

But it's too late now.

You kept your walls higher than I could ever reach or destroy.

And someone finally let me in.
And I've let them in too.

What could have been?

Fear holds my hand.
But I keep walking.

I'm scared to death.

Inside and out.

You can tell.

And even with this mask of confidence...
It shows through the cracks that are forming.

What if you are expecting something more?
What if I am not what you think I am?

I think I've been myself all along...
I'm just curious to see what you think.

If the stars sing tonight, we will hear our song.
Because they've aligned perfectly for us.

We are falling...

Madly...
Passionately...
Deeply...

In love.

There are so many paths we don't take...
And I constantly am questioning what the other paths would lead to.

Why do I always waste thoughts on past loves?
Why am I always wondering what could have been?

I cannot ever seem to shake this feeling of missing out.
Even when I don't know what it is.

I'm lonely.
And you've all taken pieces of me you have yet to return.
And probably never will.

How can I trust anymore?
When all they do is leave...

They always leave...

And I often wonder what could have been...
Had they stayed...

My memories of you keep fading...

I've forgotten how your voice sounds.
And the way you smell when you've just stepped out of the shower.

The things I can remember range from heartache to love.
There are no in between moments...

I still remember the music you would play.
Or how relieved you looked coming home from work to see me.

But...
The heart ache seems to overpower it all.
As much passion as we had to keep it together...
We are just not meant to be.

I wish we could still speak the way we used to.
Or see where things would end up even just from talking...

But my heart tells me to stay away.
Because you built more walls than bridges.
And I cannot forgive you for hurting who I was and who I could have been then.

Now I am starting over...
It hasn't been easy with you still wandering across my mind from time to time...

But with every new day, you fade.
Just another stranger on the street.

I'll keep living each day without you by my side.
It isn't easy but I still make it to bed each night.

I wonder how you're doing.
And if I'm ever on your mind.

So many day dreams have been had.
So many things we have said.

I'm hoping at some point they turn out to be true.
I can only hope that you're true to your word...
And that you'll meet me at midnight along the shore.

We'll skinny dip in the sea with only the moon there to watch.
And we'll see if we make sense together or not.

I'll count the hours it has been in between thoughts of you.

Some days I find it harder to get out of bed knowing you're not in it with me.

There's this void I think you could fill.
There's this love I could give you.
There's this love I think you could give me in return.

So many what if's.
So many day dreams of what could be.

I struggle with the thought if you're even real at all.

Goodnight seems to be the hardest thing to say.
Because I would stay awake for days just talking to you.

You're a mystery book I want to read every day.
A thriller I cannot put down.

If the stars would align in my favor...
They would lead you to me.

I feel a connection unlike any other.

So take my hand and let's start this adventure.
We're too young to feel this old.

Though our souls seem older than anyone else would ever imagine.

I don't like who you've become.
It's as if there's been more secrets in the room that I wasn't aware of.

And you dance as if I should have known from the moment you've done things.
From the moment you've said things.

I'm still in shock from it all.
Take me down.
Take it all down.

Rip away the newest pages from the book we've been writing.

**** the first draft.

Can we start this all over?
Or are we stuck figuring this out?

I think you've disappeared for good now.
In my mind I keep thinking you will return to me.
And our late night conversations continue.

But so far that hasn't happened.
I wonder how long I'll keep caring anymore.

You had me in the palm of your hand.
I was willing to give you all that I am.

Down to the naked truth.
I'm sure we will never see each other now.
Even though that's all I've been wishing for.

I wish you would kiss me.
I wish you would put your arms around me.
But you won't.

Not now.
Probably not ever.

And I feel so empty from it.
Destroyed in a sense.
But I still have the strength to turn the other cheek I suppose.

I guess this is just what some people do.
If only I could move on and my heart wouldn't ache so much.

I fall in love with strangers at shows.
Someone's eyes locking with mine.
And for a split second my heart races.
Because you never know if this could lead to something good.
They obviously have great taste in music...
I find that so attractive.
But in the end, our eyes kept meeting...
And we never did.

It makes my mind wonder what could have been.

Come be broken with me.

Others have damaged our trust.
And I have gained more fear than courage from it.

I know you have too.

I can't promise you fearlessness or perfection.

But I can promise you that I will try my best to feel better than okay.

Confusion has struck me.
You've pushed space in between us.
And I can't figure out why.

The room is so silent.
And I'm all alone.

I cannot fix what I don't know I've broken.

So tell me.
Please.

Back and forth my mind seems to go.

The thought of you drives me wild.
But I'm terrified.

You could be everything I ever wanted.

Yet I'm so scared that you'll only be best as a day dream.

I keep questioning if I should follow you down.
Or just keep walking the other way.

Fear kisses my lips
While death stands still

Love begins to slip
As darkness begins to spill

Tomorrow I will not forget you
The sun will set with ease...

The light will swallow up that darkness
The morning will make light freeze...

That light!

Oh that beautiful light!

The one that sparkles in your eyes...
Forever I shall capture that light,
And never return it to the skies.

I feel your arms around me still.
Even though you're not here.

I like to pretend this bed is just the right size.

And without hearing your voice...
I can still remember it.

Without seeing your eyes.
I can remember looking into them.

Even though we are far apart.
You are not forgotten.

And when I finally decide to come back your way.
I waste my time or breath.

Because even though you still come to mind...
I can't bring myself to stand in front of you once again.

Be still now.
We'll lie here.

The waves cover us like blankets.
And sting our wounds in the process.

I don't recall ever feeling like this before.
Guess there is a first for everything.

I've been strung along like a fish.
My heart on a leash you tug so forcefully.

Yet, sometimes it feels like I've escaped.
But you find me.
Again and again.