Confusion has struck me.
You've pushed space in between us.
And I can't figure out why.

The room is so silent.
And I'm all alone.

I cannot fix what I don't know I've broken.

So tell me.
Please.

Why am I so self destructive?
I can create such beautiful things...
But then I destroy them.

I live with the pettiest of fears.
Ones I can ******* get over.

So why can't I get over them?

******* my destructive self.

The roads seem lonely.
My bed feels extra big.

The house is empty.
And so is my heart.

I feel powerless.

In silence I find my voice....
The one that's been aching to speak.

Where the thoughts darken...
And my mind wanders searching for the light.

If they follow me home I promise you...
That I won't let them in the door.

Our light can out shine anything.
Our love keeps us warm.

Their coldest hearts are no match.
Our love is forever more.

In our darkest past we have seen the glimpse of light.

And we don't want to go back.
No, we don't want to stare back anymore.

We're traveling...
Distance means nothing.

Every hour passes quickly.

And then we're there.

Tonight I'll be in your arms.
We'll sleep soundly like we always do.

Tossing and turning...
But loving every minute of it.

When the sun shines through...
I'll kiss you good morning.

And we'll start our routine.

Just like we always do.

My mind keeps these scars hidden from the world.
And while I lose every ounce of my sanity...
I hope you know that I love you.

Everything seems harder than it is.
I have no complaints.
No real struggles.

And yet sometimes I struggle to live...
Sometimes...
Even to love.

The darkest thoughts come out to play.
And they never seem to tire.

So I lie here.
Not being able to control myself.

Silence is my favorite enemy.
And I bathe in the chaos it causes my mind.

These episodes play like reruns on television.
Every word is used.
Their voices echo.

And I start to believe them over and over again.

I stay up late in the night...
In hopes the darkness
will devour me

And transform all that I am

Into all that I will be.

I lie beside you
But feel oceans apart

- disconnected

I appear on the scene once more
But I don't want to be in the background on this one.

I feel like a star in middle of shining.
My shadow has become a cape I wear proudly.

This is who I am.

And who I am meant to be...

Has yet to be discovered,
adventures yet to be lived.

So I don't ask you for your hand...
I don't ask you for your time...

I ask because I'm a curious mind.

How simple it seems to be

With you.

The days fade out gently.
And I'm sipping on your energy tonight.
It glows brightly.
Like the stars.

I wish I could be normal.
I feel so ****** up sometimes.

I can't even be there for you...
In a social setting because people overwhelm me.

You say it's fine and not to be sorry.
You say I should do what makes me feel comfortable.

I feel stuck in between.

The years continue to come.
And what we've had, still fades.

Because we continue holding on...
For anything.
For everything.

You disappear here and there.
I always wonder where you are.

But I don't go searching for answers.
Because I know you'll reappear when you're ready.

Tonight your wall started to crumble even more.
More than what I'm used to seeing.

You weren't bringing this wall down to rebuild later...
This time you didn't leave me with just a taste.

You let me in.

But it's too late now.

You kept your walls higher than I could ever reach or destroy.

And someone finally let me in.
And I've let them in too.

What could have been?

Most times you will find me silent.
Unwilling to put the thoughts into sentences.
But I promise you;
I will return.

Step by step,
Piece by piece,
We will examine each one on it's own.

We'll lighten the darkness a little,
And make it a more pleasant view.

Imagination I leave for you to decide what to do with.

Our spirits are floating onward
Detaching at the seams

Our journeys have brought us closer
But now it’s time to leave

We bare scars from others love
Mine and yours is differently seen

Although we are going alone,

You’ll always be part of me.

Be still now.
We'll lie here.

The waves cover us like blankets.
And sting our wounds in the process.

I don't recall ever feeling like this before.
Guess there is a first for everything.

I've been strung along like a fish.
My heart on a leash you tug so forcefully.

Yet, sometimes it feels like I've escaped.
But you find me.
Again and again.

How do you look someone in the eye for the last time?
It's so hard to think that we will be saying goodbye.
We've ended a chapter we'll reread years to come.
But only in our heads.

As I try to erase whatever polaroids seem to consume my mind...
I am reminded that at one time there was something.
I will never know what that something could have turned into.
But we both agreed to turn our backs on each other.
We knew it wasn't meant to be.

We'll live on in social media likes.
Hidden hash tags with hidden meanings.

Why do you do this to me?

I'm stuck in between who I've been and who I want to become.
The decisions are always more difficult now...
And my mind likes to dance around thoughts and ideas in order to cope.

I feel weak but not completely wounded.

I'm tired.
I want to sleep some.

The days seem to go by quickly but situations seem dragged out.

I don't know where to be or where to go.

So I stand here.

With this journey we've started...
Baby, we've got it goin' on.

I've got a hand to hold and we've got things to do.
And I'll do everything with you.

We cruise through the streets of LA and Venice like we own it.
And in our world, we do.

Our coffee shop favorites with a hint of excellence.
The rest is up to us.

We're forgiving and forgetful.
We connect.
The corners of our minds meeting with complete excitement.

Our pasts haven't defined us.
And they won't.

We are the warriors.
Our bodies covered in scars.
The world has battled us since day 1.
But we've made it this far.

The world's still asleep...
It makes me feel more awake.

Because in this moment of mixed feelings,
Of tiredness and wiredness and anything in between...

I can sit back and watch it all spin.
Until I fall asleep.

Who are you?
And who am I?

The night glistens with possibilities that could have been.

Where did it all begin and end?

Between us.

How hurtful the world can be...
When I'm just trying to be me.

If the stars sing tonight, we will hear our song.
Because they've aligned perfectly for us.

We are falling...

Madly...
Passionately...
Deeply...

In love.

Take me back to the swing set.
Where we first had dreams of who we'd be.

I was delusional and out of sink
to think that someone like you,

liked me.

But I ran with it.
All through the flower fields of adolescence.

Retracing steps to the place I called home.
Where I thought nothing could harm me.
Like you did.

I'll keep pushing for greatness.
Because that's what I am.

I feel the electricity in your lips.
A spark has ignited.

Our souls sing something we've never heard.

I feel it.
Can you?

This is it.
We are growing.
We are learning.
Always.

It's once we learn how to talk to ourselves...
That we find the peace we need.

There is something here.
There is a flame...

Small, but alive...

And I feel it thawing whatever bitter coldness,
I have obtained from the shoulders of others.

Swirling inside me is a message I've yet to decipher.
As I continue the search for my own peace of mind...
I fumble and trip with continuous confusion as to what is going on.

Reality is unreal at times.
Where it seems like the world is a Hollywood hit.

I'm watching this all continue.
I'm watching it all fall down.

I rise above it all...
I rise again every time I fall too.

I've become jaded and mediocre.

I know I can be better.
I'm pushing for that again.

My mind is full of curiousity...
For this new adventure ahead.

And you.

I wonder what your dreams are...
And how much of the world you have left to see...

Does your heart hold an anchor with a chain?
Or do you sail across yourself freely?

Are you willing to plunge into the depths of yourself and see every ounce of your existence?

Are you willing to see mine?

I miss you like the desert misses rain.
A love with a bitter sweet ending.

Can we begin again?
I hope so.

Be strong...
Even when you feel the weight of the world.

The light shines within you.

Search deeply.

You've gained something in this existence.
Don't let fear stop you now.

Keep pushing longer.
Keep working harder...

And everything will be how it should.

I’ve been fighting monsters
Darker than the sea

I’ve been moving mountains
I’ve been moving trees

Our love has ended abruptly
Shorter than we agreed
And now I must move on

Only looking out for me

I feel weightless...

The skies know too well.
A star far from home.
But I am shining brighter each day.

Because I want this.
I want all of it.

I do not fear the road before me...

Nor do I look behind.

I’ve seen storms of anguish and terror
I feel pain from wounds still not healing right.

The darkness no longer lingers...
as much as I thought it would.

And yet every ounce of my being...
Is still searching for the good.

So we have made it this far.
And maybe we will finally leave our shadows behind.

Because before us...
The sun is rising.

And I want to have coffee with you.

The bed is empty.
I only set the table for one.

There are days I'll let my coffee get cold.
Because I'm day dreaming too much.

Loneliness has me in a slumber.
And I can't seem to wake myself up.

Those snowy nights.
Where we'd run barefoot to the hot tub.

And we would watch the snow fall.
Taking in every minute of it.

We didn't live the normal life by any means.
But there were normal times.

So if you see me looking back, don't hesitate to speak.
Because you were apart of it just as much as me.

Truth be told, I'm not very good at this.
But I am figuring out how to be.

-Life

Goodnight seems to be the hardest thing to say.
Because I would stay awake for days just talking to you.

You're a mystery book I want to read every day.
A thriller I cannot put down.

If the stars would align in my favor...
They would lead you to me.

I feel a connection unlike any other.

So take my hand and let's start this adventure.
We're too young to feel this old.

Though our souls seem older than anyone else would ever imagine.

Do you feel guilty?
Is that why you still have words to say?

Has my silence started to eat away the bitterness you've always had?

Or maybe it's the holidays that make you feel something at all.
That cold, cold heart of yours seems to be heating up again...

I won't fall for it again this time.

You may still have a hold on me in ways...
But I am standing taller than ever before.

Try.
Try all you want.

But the results are always going to remain the same.

Nothing.

I don't like who you've become.
It's as if there's been more secrets in the room that I wasn't aware of.

And you dance as if I should have known from the moment you've done things.
From the moment you've said things.

I'm still in shock from it all.
Take me down.
Take it all down.

Rip away the newest pages from the book we've been writing.

**** the first draft.

Can we start this all over?
Or are we stuck figuring this out?

We're floating...
And before we know it,
we will hit the ground.

I question what may come from it.

I question a lot of things.
But it's all out of cautiousness.
My heart can't take the heat anymore.

The flames burn.
And I scar.
Remembering always what has happened.

But you...
As many times as I have told others 'this one is different.'
You feel different.

I have not touched your skin yet.
Or been able to gaze into your eyes as we lay side by side in bed.

I know you somewhat though.

I know that you're close with your family.
Especially your little sister who makes you laugh constantly.

I know that you've been hurt and mistreated by girls you loved kindheartedly.

I know that you're passionate about different things.
Like your career.
And your dreams.

You're humble.
And you know you are, but you never fake it.

And when I see you smile...
I know everything is going to be okay.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?

It all comes back here and there...
The memories...
The noises...
What it feels like...

To live a life of bits and pieces...

...and to be reminded of the scattered soul I am.

I'll count the hours it has been in between thoughts of you.

Some days I find it harder to get out of bed knowing you're not in it with me.

There's this void I think you could fill.
There's this love I could give you.
There's this love I think you could give me in return.

So many what if's.
So many day dreams of what could be.

I struggle with the thought if you're even real at all.

The thunder calls like an old friend.
I live electric.

But these dark clouds cover me up...
The blankets on beds I've never made.

Shadows share the walls.
They come and go.
They never stay.

Do you ever think how things could have gone differently?
That in the back of your mind...
Life would have made more sense?

I lie to my own reflection...
Believing that everything I do is right.
So I don't see myself cry.

I hide behind my own shadow.
More fearful of myself than of it.

I am confusing.
I can hurt and be hurt...
Sometimes all at once.

Our eyes tell stories our tongues can't bare to speak.
So I'll strip them down to the naked truth...

It seems to be as deep as the sea.
I'm struggling to pull on the anchor
that's making my heart sink.

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own body.
As if my soul is caged behind my ribs...

My mind never shuts off.
A constant movie replaying and replaying.

Those terrible times.
My adolescent years...
My constant mistakes.

I am filled with regret.
I am paralyzed by my past.
Unable to move forward with life.

Feeling the memories in the back of my mind still...
I've tried so hard to make them go away.
But they don't perish into the flames of yesterday.
They are still here.
And they still haunt me.

This will never be what you wanted.
Because you changed it all.

I was comfortable.
Silence seemed fitting.
Your image was fading into the background.
Our memories darkening.

You always come back when you want to.
You're a bird with no home.

Fevers break...
And I'm trapped in bones fragile like porcelain.

If only I could find some sort of balance
between fire and ice.

There is no gray smudge amid the black and white.
There's only dark and there's only light.

I'm cold on a hot summer's day.
I'm wondering if you'll stay...

Always.