Nameless people pass me.
And in the crowd of blurring faces...
I search for you.

I know you're out there.
Somewhere.

And I just want you to know I'm here.

Who are you?
And who am I?

The night glistens with possibilities that could have been.

Where did it all begin and end?

Between us.

Fear kisses my lips
While death stands still

Love begins to slip
As darkness begins to spill

Tomorrow I will not forget you
The sun will set with ease...

The light will swallow up that darkness
The morning will make light freeze...

That light!

Oh that beautiful light!

The one that sparkles in your eyes...
Forever I shall capture that light,
And never return it to the skies.

Believe me when I tell you that magic is real.
That right before your eyes things will change.

And for a split second everything dark, every shadow, seems to wash away as your world fills with color.

But in order for magic to be real...
You have to be real too.

The roads seem lonely.
My bed feels extra big.

The house is empty.
And so is my heart.

I feel powerless.

How hurtful the world can be...
When I'm just trying to be me.

Do you feel guilty?
Is that why you still have words to say?

Has my silence started to eat away the bitterness you've always had?

Or maybe it's the holidays that make you feel something at all.
That cold, cold heart of yours seems to be heating up again...

I won't fall for it again this time.

You may still have a hold on me in ways...
But I am standing taller than ever before.

Try.
Try all you want.

But the results are always going to remain the same.

Nothing.

So we've made it this far.

There's no turning back now.
Everything that ever was...
Is now behind us.

And now, I leave you.
To walk your own path.
While I discover mine.

Slowly the weight of the world
seems to fade

The more I fall in love with it.

You've been gone for so long now.
I call out your name in the darkness.

Rain or shine you will always be on my mind.

You died with such grace, such beauty.
And in the end I loved you even more than I ever thought I could.
Because you were not afraid.
Even when you knew death was near.

Silence has filled the room.
I question if I like it or not.

The cat is napping beside me.

Nothing has changed.
It's just another day...

But people are wishing me a happy birthday.
And I am grateful they took time out of their Christmas to do so.

23 sure isn't how I planned it to be.

Sushi for one.
Streaming A Christmas Story.

I'm so interested to see what happens.

Her eyes spoke stories her lips never told.
And as I gazed upon her porcelain skin....

I noticed the cracks.

I was so fixated by them.
Every thin line was beautiful.

She said she was broken,
but I didn't believe her at all.

To me she was a warrior.
A survivor.

In silence I find my voice....
The one that's been aching to speak.

Where the thoughts darken...
And my mind wanders searching for the light.

If they follow me home I promise you...
That I won't let them in the door.

Our light can out shine anything.
Our love keeps us warm.

Their coldest hearts are no match.
Our love is forever more.

In our darkest past we have seen the glimpse of light.

And we don't want to go back.
No, we don't want to stare back anymore.

Speak to me the way you used to.
With that slight bit of sarcasm on the tip of your tongue.

I'll listen.
I promise.

Fear has brought me to this place.
And without it, I think I would still be okay.

Even in the beginning I was full of fear.
The ending sounds just like the start.

So I'll lie to you and say it's fine.
When it really isn't.

As you try to drag me down to the place you call home.
But there's nothing that makes me feel comfortable about it.

We're floating...
And before we know it,
we will hit the ground.

I question what may come from it.

I question a lot of things.
But it's all out of cautiousness.
My heart can't take the heat anymore.

The flames burn.
And I scar.
Remembering always what has happened.

But you...
As many times as I have told others 'this one is different.'
You feel different.

I have not touched your skin yet.
Or been able to gaze into your eyes as we lay side by side in bed.

I know you somewhat though.

I know that you're close with your family.
Especially your little sister who makes you laugh constantly.

I know that you've been hurt and mistreated by girls you loved kindheartedly.

I know that you're passionate about different things.
Like your career.
And your dreams.

You're humble.
And you know you are, but you never fake it.

And when I see you smile...
I know everything is going to be okay.

Your entrance is welcoming.
A new flower in bloom.

Mystery fills the air
You light my curiousity

My mind keeps these scars hidden from the world.
And while I lose every ounce of my sanity...
I hope you know that I love you.

Everything seems harder than it is.
I have no complaints.
No real struggles.

And yet sometimes I struggle to live...
Sometimes...
Even to love.

The darkest thoughts come out to play.
And they never seem to tire.

So I lie here.
Not being able to control myself.

Silence is my favorite enemy.
And I bathe in the chaos it causes my mind.

These episodes play like reruns on television.
Every word is used.
Their voices echo.

And I start to believe them over and over again.

As I gazed at her through the light...
I saw her fading.
She was transparent, predictable.
She was paper thin.
And through her skin...
The words began to surface.
I read them over and over...
Like the pages of my favorite books.
She had become my favorite book.
And I never want it to end.

I toss and turn.
Much like the sea.

I can no longer inhale the air you're breathing.

It's as if we are no longer words apart...
But chapters instead.
Maybe even further away than that.

I'm confused as to who you think I am.
I'm even more confused as to who you really are...

Do I wait?
Or should I keep turning the pages without you?

We moved together in the dark.
And we danced around our own demons.

Until today.
When mine began to dance around me.

It's nothing new...
But it hasn't happened in a while.

White turned to black once more.
And I have forgotten what it's like to feel this way.

The truth is...
Part of me missed it.

Your eyes show me your soul.
How it dances behind them...

Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.

Every morning is a fresh start.
With a new beat to feel in your chest.

I see it.
I know it so well...

And here I am...
Standing before you.
Like I want to.

Jealousy isn't an option.
Because even though we may be putting the pieces together...
It won't be the same puzzle you started.

Everything seems to be falling into place.
So perfectly.

As if it's too good to be true.
So my heart takes small steps...
Treading lightly on those familiar feelings.

Knowing that at any moment it could crumble.
But I keep tiptoeing...
Forward.

Breathe.

I want to believe it all so quickly...

In my mind, I know the warning signs...
In my heart, I feel the pain of the past.
Reminding me of the risks I am taking.
In my soul, yours is intertwined with mine.

I love you.
Deeper than any sea.
More than any amount of time I have left.
I would give you my last breath if you asked.

Be still now.
We'll lie here.

The waves cover us like blankets.
And sting our wounds in the process.

I don't recall ever feeling like this before.
Guess there is a first for everything.

I've been strung along like a fish.
My heart on a leash you tug so forcefully.

Yet, sometimes it feels like I've escaped.
But you find me.
Again and again.

So we have made it this far.
And maybe we will finally leave our shadows behind.

Because before us...
The sun is rising.

And I want to have coffee with you.

Your eyes speak love I've never felt.
And I'm dying to see what it feels like.

When you speak, I envy the words that get to touch your lips.
Because I want to be touching them with mine.

The snow will be falling.
Just as much as I am falling for you.

And we'll kiss just like we have always wanted to.

The feelings are so familiar yet still so new to us.

We're risking it all.
We're vulnerable.
We're terrified.

Yet I can't wait to see what happens next.

Our spirits are floating onward
Detaching at the seams

Our journeys have brought us closer
But now it’s time to leave

We bare scars from others love
Mine and yours is differently seen

Although we are going alone,

You’ll always be part of me.

I wish I could be normal.
I feel so ****** up sometimes.

I can't even be there for you...
In a social setting because people overwhelm me.

You say it's fine and not to be sorry.
You say I should do what makes me feel comfortable.

I feel stuck in between.

My memories of you keep fading...

I've forgotten how your voice sounds.
And the way you smell when you've just stepped out of the shower.

The things I can remember range from heartache to love.
There are no in between moments...

I still remember the music you would play.
Or how relieved you looked coming home from work to see me.

But...
The heart ache seems to overpower it all.
As much passion as we had to keep it together...
We are just not meant to be.

I wish we could still speak the way we used to.
Or see where things would end up even just from talking...

But my heart tells me to stay away.
Because you built more walls than bridges.
And I cannot forgive you for hurting who I was and who I could have been then.

Now I am starting over...
It hasn't been easy with you still wandering across my mind from time to time...

But with every new day, you fade.
Just another stranger on the street.

The world's still asleep...
It makes me feel more awake.

Because in this moment of mixed feelings,
Of tiredness and wiredness and anything in between...

I can sit back and watch it all spin.
Until I fall asleep.

It was a lonely day.
Cold and bitter.

Her hair covered her shoulders like a light sweater.
Her breath was almost visible.

The seasons were changing...
And so was she.

I appear on the scene once more
But I don't want to be in the background on this one.

I feel like a star in middle of shining.
My shadow has become a cape I wear proudly.

This is who I am.

And who I am meant to be...

Has yet to be discovered,
adventures yet to be lived.

So I don't ask you for your hand...
I don't ask you for your time...

I ask because I'm a curious mind.

How simple it seems to be

With you.

The days fade out gently.
And I'm sipping on your energy tonight.
It glows brightly.
Like the stars.

You've shown the light to my darkness.
And the shadows fade away...

My demons seem to scatter.

They fall back into the corners of my mind...
Along with the regret I feel for my past mistakes.
Sometimes it weighs me down...
It keeps me up at night.

I am not perfect.

My wings are damaged...
Scars are visibly shown.

And you love me nonetheless.

Your heart has been healing mine.
And every day I wake up loving you more.
You're my goodnight kiss.
My dreams.

Your eyes remind me of every moonlit night.
I gaze into them.
Cherishing their beauty.

My soul dances with excitement when I think about you.
Because you gave your heart to me.

And for your love I am forever grateful.

I don't like who you've become.
It's as if there's been more secrets in the room that I wasn't aware of.

And you dance as if I should have known from the moment you've done things.
From the moment you've said things.

I'm still in shock from it all.
Take me down.
Take it all down.

Rip away the newest pages from the book we've been writing.

**** the first draft.

Can we start this all over?
Or are we stuck figuring this out?

We lie here talking about our fears...
Regrets.
Heartache.
Trauma.

Making our hearts race.
And our bodies seem to heat up.

And when the tears finally dry...
We will understand each other.

This will never be what you wanted.
Because you changed it all.

I was comfortable.
Silence seemed fitting.
Your image was fading into the background.
Our memories darkening.

You always come back when you want to.
You're a bird with no home.

Back and forth my mind seems to go.

The thought of you drives me wild.
But I'm terrified.

You could be everything I ever wanted.

Yet I'm so scared that you'll only be best as a day dream.

I keep questioning if I should follow you down.
Or just keep walking the other way.

Most times you will find me silent.
Unwilling to put the thoughts into sentences.
But I promise you;
I will return.

Step by step,
Piece by piece,
We will examine each one on it's own.

We'll lighten the darkness a little,
And make it a more pleasant view.

Imagination I leave for you to decide what to do with.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?

This bed is too big.
And I can't help but feel lonely.

Because deep down, the wounds are freshly scarring.

I fight the urge to look.

Sleepless nights have become routine.
My mind races my heart constantly.

So I lie here wondering where you are...
Whoever you are...

Hoping that you're out there...
Wondering where I am too.

Fear holds my hand.
But I keep walking.

I'm scared to death.

Inside and out.

You can tell.

And even with this mask of confidence...
It shows through the cracks that are forming.

What if you are expecting something more?
What if I am not what you think I am?

I think I've been myself all along...
I'm just curious to see what you think.

You've gained something in this existence.
Don't let fear stop you now.

Keep pushing longer.
Keep working harder...

And everything will be how it should.

You are love in all forms...
And with stars for eyes;
I pray that you can guide yourself
to the most beautiful existence.

- The Universe

Truth be told, I'm not very good at this.
But I am figuring out how to be.

-Life

My mind keeps racing with thoughts of you.
And I'm wondering if this will ever go anywhere.

Or if it will only be late night conversations about life.
Then you'll disappear again for an unknown amount of time.

I'll keep thinking about you.
Regardless.

I am just confused as to where we stand.
Because this all seems one sided right now.
I always make the first move.

I keep wondering if you will make the first move at some point...
Or if we will just continue the dance of this unlabeled thing we have.

Swirling inside me is a message I've yet to decipher.
As I continue the search for my own peace of mind...
I fumble and trip with continuous confusion as to what is going on.

Reality is unreal at times.
Where it seems like the world is a Hollywood hit.

I'm watching this all continue.
I'm watching it all fall down.

I rise above it all...
I rise again every time I fall too.

I've become jaded and mediocre.

I know I can be better.
I'm pushing for that again.

Take me back to the swing set.
Where we first had dreams of who we'd be.

I was delusional and out of sink
to think that someone like you,

liked me.

But I ran with it.
All through the flower fields of adolescence.

Retracing steps to the place I called home.
Where I thought nothing could harm me.
Like you did.

Be strong...
Even when you feel the weight of the world.

The light shines within you.

Search deeply.

For as long as I can remember...
I have found such comfort in being alone.
But I've been fighting loneliness all of my life.

I don't know which side will win.
Or if this is even a game where there's winning and losing.

Sometimes I will feel so small and defenseless in this world...
And other times I feel like I could conquer it completely.

I'll hide from the outside world for days...
Sometimes even weeks.

But when I find the strength to show my face...
I find the most beautiful and inspiring things.

Yet I return back to my comfort zone...
Inside four walls that know all my secrets...
To a place I feel as though I can feel myself completely.

The years continue to come.
And what we've had, still fades.

Because we continue holding on...
For anything.
For everything.

You disappear here and there.
I always wonder where you are.

But I don't go searching for answers.
Because I know you'll reappear when you're ready.

Tonight your wall started to crumble even more.
More than what I'm used to seeing.

You weren't bringing this wall down to rebuild later...
This time you didn't leave me with just a taste.

You let me in.

But it's too late now.

You kept your walls higher than I could ever reach or destroy.

And someone finally let me in.
And I've let them in too.

What could have been?