The world's still asleep...
It makes me feel more awake.

Because in this moment of mixed feelings,
Of tiredness and wiredness and anything in between...

I can sit back and watch it all spin.
Until I fall asleep.

Silence has filled the room.
I question if I like it or not.

The cat is napping beside me.

Nothing has changed.
It's just another day...

But people are wishing me a happy birthday.
And I am grateful they took time out of their Christmas to do so.

23 sure isn't how I planned it to be.

Sushi for one.
Streaming A Christmas Story.

I'm so interested to see what happens.

I see myself in strangers' habits.
How similar they seem.

Beneath these layers I'll unfold,
Dreams and darkening things.

I'm an artist.
I'm a poet.
I'm crazy.
I know it.

But I'm curious at heart and at mind.

I'm wild and I'll shelter that.
Until I feel you can handle it.

Let's see what happens with time.

My mind keeps racing with thoughts of you.
And I'm wondering if this will ever go anywhere.

Or if it will only be late night conversations about life.
Then you'll disappear again for an unknown amount of time.

I'll keep thinking about you.
Regardless.

I am just confused as to where we stand.
Because this all seems one sided right now.
I always make the first move.

I keep wondering if you will make the first move at some point...
Or if we will just continue the dance of this unlabeled thing we have.

Slowly the weight of the world
seems to fade

The more I fall in love with it.

Who are you?
And who am I?

The night glistens with possibilities that could have been.

Where did it all begin and end?

Between us.

I feel weightless...

The skies know too well.
A star far from home.
But I am shining brighter each day.

Because I want this.
I want all of it.

I do not fear the road before me...

Nor do I look behind.

I’ve seen storms of anguish and terror
I feel pain from wounds still not healing right.

The darkness no longer lingers...
as much as I thought it would.

And yet every ounce of my being...
Is still searching for the good.

How simple it seems to be

With you.

The days fade out gently.
And I'm sipping on your energy tonight.
It glows brightly.
Like the stars.

My mind is full of curiousity...
For this new adventure ahead.

And you.

I wonder what your dreams are...
And how much of the world you have left to see...

Does your heart hold an anchor with a chain?
Or do you sail across yourself freely?

Are you willing to plunge into the depths of yourself and see every ounce of your existence?

Are you willing to see mine?

Take me back to the swing set.
Where we first had dreams of who we'd be.

I was delusional and out of sink
to think that someone like you,

liked me.

But I ran with it.
All through the flower fields of adolescence.

Retracing steps to the place I called home.
Where I thought nothing could harm me.
Like you did.

I stay up late in the night...
In hopes the darkness
will devour me

And transform all that I am

Into all that I will be.

I’ve been fighting monsters
Darker than the sea

I’ve been moving mountains
I’ve been moving trees

Our love has ended abruptly
Shorter than we agreed
And now I must move on

Only looking out for me

I miss you like the desert misses rain.
A love with a bitter sweet ending.

Can we begin again?
I hope so.

I appear on the scene once more
But I don't want to be in the background on this one.

I feel like a star in middle of shining.
My shadow has become a cape I wear proudly.

This is who I am.

And who I am meant to be...

Has yet to be discovered,
adventures yet to be lived.

So I don't ask you for your hand...
I don't ask you for your time...

I ask because I'm a curious mind.

You've gained something in this existence.
Don't let fear stop you now.

Keep pushing longer.
Keep working harder...

And everything will be how it should.

Our spirits are floating onward
Detaching at the seams

Our journeys have brought us closer
But now it’s time to leave

We bare scars from others love
Mine and yours is differently seen

Although we are going alone,

You’ll always be part of me.

Be strong...
Even when you feel the weight of the world.

The light shines within you.

Search deeply.

I lie beside you
But feel oceans apart

- disconnected

You are love in all forms...
And with stars for eyes;
I pray that you can guide yourself
to the most beautiful existence.

- The Universe

I toss and turn.
Much like the sea.

I can no longer inhale the air you're breathing.

It's as if we are no longer words apart...
But chapters instead.
Maybe even further away than that.

I'm confused as to who you think I am.
I'm even more confused as to who you really are...

Do I wait?
Or should I keep turning the pages without you?

I stared at the ground...
So I didn't have to look you in the eye.

Fear covered me like a darkening veil.
And with every breath I exhaled...
I could not stop the feeling that this isn't meant to be.

I questioned everything.
And I still do.

Beneath it all...
I still cower from the eyes of strangers.

Inside I am shaking.
Because when their eyes meet mine...
I have no place to hide.

There are no words to be spoken...

But sometimes I wish their lips would move.

The wound is still fresh.
And my heart isn't fully committed.

So I'll lay out all the pieces...
And move on without them.

How do you look someone in the eye for the last time?
It's so hard to think that we will be saying goodbye.
We've ended a chapter we'll reread years to come.
But only in our heads.

As I try to erase whatever polaroids seem to consume my mind...
I am reminded that at one time there was something.
I will never know what that something could have turned into.
But we both agreed to turn our backs on each other.
We knew it wasn't meant to be.

We'll live on in social media likes.
Hidden hash tags with hidden meanings.

Why do you do this to me?

As I gazed at her through the light...
I saw her fading.
She was transparent, predictable.
She was paper thin.
And through her skin...
The words began to surface.
I read them over and over...
Like the pages of my favorite books.
She had become my favorite book.
And I never want it to end.

I lie beneath the darkening sky.
Wondering where I'll be this time next year.

Maybe I'll take a trip far away.
Just to miss this place and come back again.

This isn't home, but no place has been...
So I'll pretend it is for now.

Some days, I find it harder to get out of bed more than usual.
Like somehow it's the only comfort I can find in the world.
Or at least...
To distract me from the outside world.

Some days I would rather stay dreaming.
To be able to shed my skin and reveal my soul.

But no one ever looks close enough.
No one ever stays.

I feel socially awkward.
Terrified to strike up a conversation with a beautiful stranger.

I don't feel worthy of their presence.
Some days, I don't feel worthy at all.

So I lay in bed again.
Too awake to sleep.
Dreaming out loud.
Trying to motivate myself to get out of bed tomorrow morning with ease.

But I don't know if that will happen.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?

The bottle of wine is almost empty...

And I'm singing along to the 90's songs I've always listened to.


Nothing can stop me now.
So here I sit.
With my cat in my lap who is sleeping peacefully.

Spending a Wednesday night alone.

Nothing has changed here...
As much as I have replayed the movie, records, reread the chapters...
The outcome will always be the same.

But there is a thread of hope things will have a different ending.

It never is new.
I question why I continue to play these mind games with myself...

Speak to me the way you used to.
With that slight bit of sarcasm on the tip of your tongue.

I'll listen.
I promise.

I've forgotten where I stand...
As if the path has been walked without me.

Because I'm too concerned about myself.
Too concerned that I'm not pretty or proper enough.

Watching every move I make carefully.
Tasting the words that tend to slip out of my mouth.

Falling for the wrong things and people.

In time and space you'll find me...
Cornered in a dim room.
Still reading the same books.

Cuddling the same cat.

It will be as if nothing has changed...
But everything has.

Just wait and see.

I've cracked.

I feel like my mind is slowly slipping.
I can't seem to even come up with the words sometimes.

Because the shock value of it all still haunts me.
It always haunts me.

Leave me here.

I am independent.
I've learned well enough to pick up the pieces on my own.

I've done it more than you think.

I'll be there soon.
Give me a minute.

So we have made it this far.
And maybe we will finally leave our shadows behind.

Because before us...
The sun is rising.

And I want to have coffee with you.

Keep going...
Don't look back.

Refresh.
Restart.

Over and over.
Until it feels right.
Until it feels like you can breathe again.



I can finally breathe again.

No longer feeling trapped.
My soul begins to sing.

No longer praying for oxygen while I'm being pulled under.
Drowning.

I've broken free of my anchor.
I am floating.
I'm a fighter.

I can swim again...
To the surface

Sinking was never an option.

Let go...
Let it all go.

The regrets.
The embarrassment.
The shame.

Let.
It.
All.
Go.

This piano is missing keys...
And I'm missing the music that was played on it.

Weeping willows are caressed by the summer breeze.
Where the fire flies wish to kiss the stars.

And my hand holds yours.

I never want to leave your side.
Never.

Your eyes show me your soul.
How it dances behind them...

Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.

Every morning is a fresh start.
With a new beat to feel in your chest.

I see it.
I know it so well...

And here I am...
Standing before you.
Like I want to.

Jealousy isn't an option.
Because even though we may be putting the pieces together...
It won't be the same puzzle you started.

Everything seems to be falling into place.
So perfectly.

As if it's too good to be true.
So my heart takes small steps...
Treading lightly on those familiar feelings.

Knowing that at any moment it could crumble.
But I keep tiptoeing...
Forward.

Breathe.

I want to believe it all so quickly...

In my mind, I know the warning signs...
In my heart, I feel the pain of the past.
Reminding me of the risks I am taking.
In my soul, yours is intertwined with mine.

I love you.
Deeper than any sea.
More than any amount of time I have left.
I would give you my last breath if you asked.

The bed is empty.
I only set the table for one.

There are days I'll let my coffee get cold.
Because I'm day dreaming too much.

Loneliness has me in a slumber.
And I can't seem to wake myself up.

You've been gone for so long now.
I call out your name in the darkness.

Rain or shine you will always be on my mind.

You died with such grace, such beauty.
And in the end I loved you even more than I ever thought I could.
Because you were not afraid.
Even when you knew death was near.

Why am I so self destructive?
I can create such beautiful things...
But then I destroy them.

I live with the pettiest of fears.
Ones I can ******* get over.

So why can't I get over them?

******* my destructive self.

It all comes back here and there...
The memories...
The noises...
What it feels like...

To live a life of bits and pieces...

...and to be reminded of the scattered soul I am.

With this journey we've started...
Baby, we've got it goin' on.

I've got a hand to hold and we've got things to do.
And I'll do everything with you.

We cruise through the streets of LA and Venice like we own it.
And in our world, we do.

Our coffee shop favorites with a hint of excellence.
The rest is up to us.

We're forgiving and forgetful.
We connect.
The corners of our minds meeting with complete excitement.

Our pasts haven't defined us.
And they won't.

We are the warriors.
Our bodies covered in scars.
The world has battled us since day 1.
But we've made it this far.

Her eyes spoke stories her lips never told.
And as I gazed upon her porcelain skin....

I noticed the cracks.

I was so fixated by them.
Every thin line was beautiful.

She said she was broken,
but I didn't believe her at all.

To me she was a warrior.
A survivor.

Your eyes speak love I've never felt.
And I'm dying to see what it feels like.

When you speak, I envy the words that get to touch your lips.
Because I want to be touching them with mine.

The snow will be falling.
Just as much as I am falling for you.

And we'll kiss just like we have always wanted to.

The feelings are so familiar yet still so new to us.

We're risking it all.
We're vulnerable.
We're terrified.

Yet I can't wait to see what happens next.

I'll keep pushing for greatness.
Because that's what I am.

The roads seem lonely.
My bed feels extra big.

The house is empty.
And so is my heart.

I feel powerless.

I wish I could be normal.
I feel so ****** up sometimes.

I can't even be there for you...
In a social setting because people overwhelm me.

You say it's fine and not to be sorry.
You say I should do what makes me feel comfortable.

I feel stuck in between.

There is something here.
There is a flame...

Small, but alive...

And I feel it thawing whatever bitter coldness,
I have obtained from the shoulders of others.

Nameless people pass me.
And in the crowd of blurring faces...
I search for you.

I know you're out there.
Somewhere.

And I just want you to know I'm here.