I find comfort in a hot cup of coffee.
I feel daring in places unknown.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
From these roads I've traveled alone.

I've walked barefoot on my own shattered dreams.
Where the wounds have cut me so deep...
My blood has painted the ground so red...
The memories keep me from falling asleep.

The nights are long and weary.
Time slowly tiptoes by...
My thoughts are dark and eerie...
By then, my demons start to reply.

Stored in the darkest corners of my mind...
Are the things my demons untangle.
Everything I have ever wished to leave behind...
My demons' grip begins to strangle.

My mind is racing.
I'm gasping for air.

I'm ready.
I will stare into fear.
Until the end.

Your entrance is welcoming.
A new flower in bloom.

Mystery fills the air
You light my curiousity

In silence I find my voice....
The one that's been aching to speak.

Where the thoughts darken...
And my mind wanders searching for the light.

If they follow me home I promise you...
That I won't let them in the door.

Our light can out shine anything.
Our love keeps us warm.

Their coldest hearts are no match.
Our love is forever more.

In our darkest past we have seen the glimpse of light.

And we don't want to go back.
No, we don't want to stare back anymore.

Do you feel guilty?
Is that why you still have words to say?

Has my silence started to eat away the bitterness you've always had?

Or maybe it's the holidays that make you feel something at all.
That cold, cold heart of yours seems to be heating up again...

I won't fall for it again this time.

You may still have a hold on me in ways...
But I am standing taller than ever before.

Try.
Try all you want.

But the results are always going to remain the same.

Nothing.

There's a certain feeling I get when you miss me...
It's sinister and almost evil
Devilish is my ego that continues to feed on your what ifs.
I'll dance in the rain the of your tears
The what could have beens...
You'll wonder why I wasn't the one.
I'll smile knowing it wasn't meant to be.

For a slight moment in time...
You had me fooled
But I won't forget what you taught me

I've remembered how powerful I am.
And I choose to move on despite the challenges.

Be still now.
We'll lie here.

The waves cover us like blankets.
And sting our wounds in the process.

I don't recall ever feeling like this before.
Guess there is a first for everything.

I've been strung along like a fish.
My heart on a leash you tug so forcefully.

Yet, sometimes it feels like I've escaped.
But you find me.
Again and again.

Be strong...
Even when you feel the weight of the world.

The light shines within you.

Search deeply.

Fear kisses my lips
While death stands still

Love begins to slip
As darkness begins to spill

Tomorrow I will not forget you
The sun will set with ease...

The light will swallow up that darkness
The morning will make light freeze...

That light!

Oh that beautiful light!

The one that sparkles in your eyes...
Forever I shall capture that light,
And never return it to the skies.

If the stars sing tonight, we will hear our song.
Because they've aligned perfectly for us.

We are falling...

Madly...
Passionately...
Deeply...

In love.

Back and forth my mind seems to go.

The thought of you drives me wild.
But I'm terrified.

You could be everything I ever wanted.

Yet I'm so scared that you'll only be best as a day dream.

I keep questioning if I should follow you down.
Or just keep walking the other way.

Fear holds my hand.
But I keep walking.

I'm scared to death.

Inside and out.

You can tell.

And even with this mask of confidence...
It shows through the cracks that are forming.

What if you are expecting something more?
What if I am not what you think I am?

I think I've been myself all along...
I'm just curious to see what you think.

We're traveling...
Distance means nothing.

Every hour passes quickly.

And then we're there.

Tonight I'll be in your arms.
We'll sleep soundly like we always do.

Tossing and turning...
But loving every minute of it.

When the sun shines through...
I'll kiss you good morning.

And we'll start our routine.

Just like we always do.

Swirling inside me is a message I've yet to decipher.
As I continue the search for my own peace of mind...
I fumble and trip with continuous confusion as to what is going on.

Reality is unreal at times.
Where it seems like the world is a Hollywood hit.

I'm watching this all continue.
I'm watching it all fall down.

I rise above it all...
I rise again every time I fall too.

I've become jaded and mediocre.

I know I can be better.
I'm pushing for that again.

As I gazed at her through the light...
I saw her fading.
She was transparent, predictable.
She was paper thin.
And through her skin...
The words began to surface.
I read them over and over...
Like the pages of my favorite books.
She had become my favorite book.
And I never want it to end.

I am torn between two worlds…
One of fantasy and one of reality.

The artist in me is inspired
The lover in me is alone

And yet in the midst of chaos
I feel so calm…

But I was born into anarchy.
I find peace
when I can feel everything.

Even if it means all at once.

I stared at the ground...
So I didn't have to look you in the eye.

Fear covered me like a darkening veil.
And with every breath I exhaled...
I could not stop the feeling that this isn't meant to be.

I questioned everything.
And I still do.

The stars aligned just right
and when our eyes met,
it felt like we've always known what this is.

What we are here for.

I appear on the scene once more
But I don't want to be in the background on this one.

I feel like a star in middle of shining.
My shadow has become a cape I wear proudly.

This is who I am.

And who I am meant to be...

Has yet to be discovered,
adventures yet to be lived.

So I don't ask you for your hand...
I don't ask you for your time...

I ask because I'm a curious mind.

We’ve been down this path
And the outcome will always be the same
Whatever we could have had…
We lost…
Just by being ourselves.

What could become fruitful
of this seed we’ve planted?

Time.
It makes me anxious.
I am constantly looking for it.

Gone.
Gone in seconds, minutes, hours, and days.

I've been searching for time to do things.
Time to appreciate things.

I have yet to accomplish anything.
Because I keep wasting time looking.

Our paths are turning different directions now.
I cannot be in and out of your life like you have been in mine.

You will defeat the demons you keep enduring.
You'll find what you're looking for.

I can only hope...

Although you only remained a chapter in my life...
And yes, I know I am the one that turned the page to end it...
You have made an impact.

Our connection was real.
At least...
In my eyes and in my heart.

Maybe I wasn't what you were looking for...
Maybe I was just an escape from reality...

At first those thoughts made me ache with a dull pain.
One that I always seem to get.
It has become so familiar.

But being numb now isn't too bad.
It has made me reread this last chapter...
I have a clearer idea of what I must do to write the next...

And maybe our paths will cross at some point.
Right now though, I will be silent.
I feel as though you do not deserve my words or heart.

The trees have been blushing this time around...
As I've packed my things and moved on.

Although it only feels like yesterday,
when the waves came crashing down...

I still feel the transition in full motion.

It's been taking a while for this new form of pain to sink in.
Another scar, allowed to stay.

I don't know how I find myself looping around the darkness so easily.

Lighting up the night as if it's mine.

I'm scattered across the board...
But I will regain my composure.

At some point.

No more excuses.
The lies have run their course.

I've been myself this entire time.
As much as you've hated to see it.
As much as you've tried to change it.

I would rather stand alone...
Than be under your thumb.

So lay your broken promises...
And those self assuring thoughts to bed.

Because I'm not coming back to the house I used to call home.
Your open arms are a trap.
Hiding a heart that can't break down walls...
But one that only builds them up more.

You've shown the light to my darkness.
And the shadows fade away...

My demons seem to scatter.

They fall back into the corners of my mind...
Along with the regret I feel for my past mistakes.
Sometimes it weighs me down...
It keeps me up at night.

I am not perfect.

My wings are damaged...
Scars are visibly shown.

And you love me nonetheless.

Your heart has been healing mine.
And every day I wake up loving you more.
You're my goodnight kiss.
My dreams.

Your eyes remind me of every moonlit night.
I gaze into them.
Cherishing their beauty.

My soul dances with excitement when I think about you.
Because you gave your heart to me.

And for your love I am forever grateful.

So we have made it this far.
And maybe we will finally leave our shadows behind.

Because before us...
The sun is rising.

And I want to have coffee with you.

There are so many paths we don't take...
And I constantly am questioning what the other paths would lead to.

Why do I always waste thoughts on past loves?
Why am I always wondering what could have been?

I cannot ever seem to shake this feeling of missing out.
Even when I don't know what it is.

I'm lonely.
And you've all taken pieces of me you have yet to return.
And probably never will.

How can I trust anymore?
When all they do is leave...

They always leave...

And I often wonder what could have been...
Had they stayed...

Just a taste…
That’s all it took

For you to consume me.

I grow more curious
with the thought of you.

A deepening desire
to understand you
Is haunting me…

I want to know you.
I want to feel you.  

Your magic has cast a spell upon me.

There is something here.
There is a flame...

Small, but alive...

And I feel it thawing whatever bitter coldness,
I have obtained from the shoulders of others.

It all comes back here and there...
The memories...
The noises...
What it feels like...

To live a life of bits and pieces...

...and to be reminded of the scattered soul I am.

This bed is too big.
And I can't help but feel lonely.

Because deep down, the wounds are freshly scarring.

I fight the urge to look.

Sleepless nights have become routine.
My mind races my heart constantly.

So I lie here wondering where you are...
Whoever you are...

Hoping that you're out there...
Wondering where I am too.

The years continue to come.
And what we've had, still fades.

Because we continue holding on...
For anything.
For everything.

You disappear here and there.
I always wonder where you are.

But I don't go searching for answers.
Because I know you'll reappear when you're ready.

Tonight your wall started to crumble even more.
More than what I'm used to seeing.

You weren't bringing this wall down to rebuild later...
This time you didn't leave me with just a taste.

You let me in.

But it's too late now.

You kept your walls higher than I could ever reach or destroy.

And someone finally let me in.
And I've let them in too.

What could have been?

I feel your arms around me still.
Even though you're not here.

I like to pretend this bed is just the right size.

And without hearing your voice...
I can still remember it.

Without seeing your eyes.
I can remember looking into them.

Even though we are far apart.
You are not forgotten.

And when I finally decide to come back your way.
I waste my time or breath.

Because even though you still come to mind...
I can't bring myself to stand in front of you once again.

Nameless people pass me.
And in the crowd of blurring faces...
I search for you.

I know you're out there.
Somewhere.

And I just want you to know I'm here.

My memories of you keep fading...

I've forgotten how your voice sounds.
And the way you smell when you've just stepped out of the shower.

The things I can remember range from heartache to love.
There are no in between moments...

I still remember the music you would play.
Or how relieved you looked coming home from work to see me.

But...
The heart ache seems to overpower it all.
As much passion as we had to keep it together...
We are just not meant to be.

I wish we could still speak the way we used to.
Or see where things would end up even just from talking...

But my heart tells me to stay away.
Because you built more walls than bridges.
And I cannot forgive you for hurting who I was and who I could have been then.

Now I am starting over...
It hasn't been easy with you still wandering across my mind from time to time...

But with every new day, you fade.
Just another stranger on the street.

I lie beneath the darkening sky.
Wondering where I'll be this time next year.

Maybe I'll take a trip far away.
Just to miss this place and come back again.

This isn't home, but no place has been...
So I'll pretend it is for now.

If I could pause the world for a while
and rest
and eat
until I felt me again
I think I would create more
And worry less
And enjoy it all throughly

I do not fear the road before me...

Nor do I look behind.

I’ve seen storms of anguish and terror
I feel pain from wounds still not healing right.

The darkness no longer lingers...
as much as I thought it would.

And yet every ounce of my being...
Is still searching for the good.

Things are weird right now...
And we've yet to find that common ground
between our love and our broken hearts.

I've made mistakes I can't fix.
So I lie here next to the phone...
Hoping that you'll keep telling me to come home.
And one of these times...
I will.

For now I'm stuck staring at two doors.
The one behind me and the one in front of me.

Do I open up the door that you are standing on the other side of?
Or do I unlock the one in front of me?

In either situation...
I need to put on a brave face.

Because behind both closed doors, I am scared.

I'm scared that you'll lock the door this time.
Even though I was the one who gave you back the key.

I'm scared that it might be the same old chapter reread over again.
That there will be just as much heart ache to share.

But what if I knock this time?
We can't forget the mistakes we've made.
But maybe we could overcome them and pick up where we left off.

The confusion is so real I find it unbearable.
Flooding my mind with 'what ifs'.
I can't ever sleep anymore.

I know I'm making you more confused than you already were...
I just hope you'll understand even when I know I can't explain.

We moved together in the dark.
And we danced around our own demons.

Until today.
When mine began to dance around me.

It's nothing new...
But it hasn't happened in a while.

White turned to black once more.
And I have forgotten what it's like to feel this way.

The truth is...
Part of me missed it.

I fall in love with strangers at shows.
Someone's eyes locking with mine.
And for a split second my heart races.
Because you never know if this could lead to something good.
They obviously have great taste in music...
I find that so attractive.
But in the end, our eyes kept meeting...
And we never did.

It makes my mind wonder what could have been.

Your eyes show me your soul.
How it dances behind them...

Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.

Every morning is a fresh start.
With a new beat to feel in your chest.

I see it.
I know it so well...

And here I am...
Standing before you.
Like I want to.

Jealousy isn't an option.
Because even though we may be putting the pieces together...
It won't be the same puzzle you started.

Everything seems to be falling into place.
So perfectly.

As if it's too good to be true.
So my heart takes small steps...
Treading lightly on those familiar feelings.

Knowing that at any moment it could crumble.
But I keep tiptoeing...
Forward.

Breathe.

I want to believe it all so quickly...

In my mind, I know the warning signs...
In my heart, I feel the pain of the past.
Reminding me of the risks I am taking.
In my soul, yours is intertwined with mine.

I love you.
Deeper than any sea.
More than any amount of time I have left.
I would give you my last breath if you asked.

The wound is still fresh.
And my heart isn't fully committed.

So I'll lay out all the pieces...
And move on without them.

You've been gone for so long now.
I call out your name in the darkness.

Rain or shine you will always be on my mind.

You died with such grace, such beauty.
And in the end I loved you even more than I ever thought I could.
Because you were not afraid.
Even when you knew death was near.

I'll keep living each day without you by my side.
It isn't easy but I still make it to bed each night.

I wonder how you're doing.
And if I'm ever on your mind.

So many day dreams have been had.
So many things we have said.

I'm hoping at some point they turn out to be true.
I can only hope that you're true to your word...
And that you'll meet me at midnight along the shore.

We'll skinny dip in the sea with only the moon there to watch.
And we'll see if we make sense together or not.

Lie beside me once more.
And I'll pretend that everything is fine.
Just this once.

It's as if we've started over...
But with the knowledge we've gained over the years...

We'll play our songs.
Flipping through the vinyl like it's our first time again.

Smoking and drinking.

The ***** habits we had and maybe still have.

I'm stuck with the memories...
Good and bad.

And sometimes I find myself wishing for those old routines.

But I must move on.
Just like I've done.
Just like you've been doing too.

My mind keeps these scars hidden from the world.
And while I lose every ounce of my sanity...
I hope you know that I love you.

Everything seems harder than it is.
I have no complaints.
No real struggles.

And yet sometimes I struggle to live...
Sometimes...
Even to love.

The darkest thoughts come out to play.
And they never seem to tire.

So I lie here.
Not being able to control myself.

Silence is my favorite enemy.
And I bathe in the chaos it causes my mind.

These episodes play like reruns on television.
Every word is used.
Their voices echo.

And I start to believe them over and over again.

Your words have stained my mind.
But I’ll leave it *****…

I don’t want to clean this mess up yet.
I’m aroused with you(r)
enticing and disastrous nature.

It feels so good to be bad sometimes,
doesn’t it?

Drunk in the moment…
Play with me in silence.
As I surrender myself to you.

I’ll tease you with my shadow
Arouse you in the dark
You’ll always be craving more
from me

Come closer…

Let me drown your pain
With my body.

There’s a devilish side to you
And it dances with mine

I welcome it.

Confusion has struck me.
You've pushed space in between us.
And I can't figure out why.

The room is so silent.
And I'm all alone.

I cannot fix what I don't know I've broken.

So tell me.
Please.

Your mysteriousness intrigues me
I’m drawn to your darkness
as it intertwines with mine  
  
a gentle slow dance
has led to
an agreement signed

Our lips sealed
with secrets
only we know

But I am still searching for answers
to questions
I never thought
would come to mind…