The bed is empty.
I only set the table for one.

There are days I'll let my coffee get cold.
Because I'm day dreaming too much.

Loneliness has me in a slumber.
And I can't seem to wake myself up.

The bottle of wine is almost empty...

And I'm singing along to the 90's songs I've always listened to.


Nothing can stop me now.
So here I sit.
With my cat in my lap who is sleeping peacefully.

Spending a Wednesday night alone.

The rain softens the leaves that have fallen.
Pushing some life back into them.

Hopefully.

I’m drenched in more than just the sweetness.

A feeling of comfort.
A feeling of being understood.

Finally.

But everything is backwards.
The emotions.
The speaking of them.
Everything.

But I don’t care.

I’ll wait till spring.
Or however long it will take.

For the rain to put some life back into me.

For the first time in a long time...
I heard your voice.
It sounded so familiar.
But still so new.

As words were exchanged...
I couldn't help but feel that it was just like old times.

Where you would call in the middle of the night when neither of us could sleep.

And we would lie in our beds with smiles on our faces.
Because we both knew something was there.

Maybe we didn't give each other enough time.
Maybe it was just the way things were...

But all those bad times I don't look back on.
Just the good ones.

Like dinners at midnight.
Or hot baths we relaxed in.

There was something.
We were something.

And in the end when I saw it coming...
Though it was a surprise to you...
I left with tears in my eyes.

Not just because my heart was hurting.
But because what we had was something special.

Now I just have memories.
I didn't want to love you again.
Because it hurts too much.
Just like it did the last time.

You can't just keep popping into my life spontaneously.
Just when I think I am done having feelings for you...
You seem to just come back full swing.

**** it.

Do you know how frustrating it is to have such a connection?
To want things from another person because you feel it is right?

You don't give me the time of ******* day.
Unless you choose to.

It is always when you choose to.

I don't know what to do.

I question if I should leave you questioning where I am...
And how I am doing...
A taste of your own medicine...
To just read the messages you send me and only reply when I feel like it.

It kills me inside that there so many love songs that remind me of you.
It kills me that you're eventually going to say sorry and give some **** poor excuse as to why you have been absent in my life...

So what the **** are you?
What the **** do you want?

What the **** do I even want anymore?

I only know how to hurt...
To walk these roads alone.

I will break your heart.
The question is when?

The suspense will **** you before you ever know.

And I am suffocating with thoughts.

I will hurt you just so you will leave.
So that you will know how cold I really am.

I may not be the girl you know.
At least...
Not anymore.

There was no mask upon my face.
And maybe the feelings were true.

But over time those feelings seemed to fade.
And when I saw you...
I didn't recognize you.
Just a stranger.

We are just...
Strangers.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?

With this journey we've started...
Baby, we've got it goin' on.

I've got a hand to hold and we've got things to do.
And I'll do everything with you.

We cruise through the streets of LA and Venice like we own it.
And in our world, we do.

Our coffee shop favorites with a hint of excellence.
The rest is up to us.

We're forgiving and forgetful.
We connect.
The corners of our minds meeting with complete excitement.

Our pasts haven't defined us.
And they won't.

We are the warriors.
Our bodies covered in scars.
The world has battled us since day 1.
But we've made it this far.

Don't ask me how I know...
It's something I cannot explain fully myself.

When the lights turn off I still see orbs.

You channeled me from within.
And here I am.

What purpose do I serve you?
And what will you serve me in return?


A mystery...

Is it willing to unfold?


Are we choosing to retrace our steps back to where we came from?
Am I deciding to resurrect something I still don't understand?
Or am I starting to understand it?

I find myself thinking of you.
The you I have fantasized...
Not who you really are.

In my head the idea of you is perfect.
In my head the scenarios play out in my favor.

But in reality...
I have blocked you out completely.
Because you don't care enough to stay.

So why should I let you even look?
Why should I give you the right to walk in and out when you please?

I don't.
I won't.

I know you well enough as to what you'll do.
I know myself well enough that I will allow it to happen all over again.

But not this time.

Why do I always search for the love I need to give myself?

I miss you like the desert misses rain.
A love with a bitter sweet ending.

Can we begin again?
I hope so.

It was a lonely day.
Cold and bitter.

Her hair covered her shoulders like a light sweater.
Her breath was almost visible.

The seasons were changing...
And so was she.

The wine is all gone.
And you've left me just as empty as the bottle.

I felt our chemistry was real.
That this connection was magical in a sense.

It all came crashing down in flames.

I'm scarred from the burns.

My heart aches with sadness for the love you pretended to give.
I lay here in bed with this painful pressure upon me.
It's heavy.

Heavy like the heart I carry I suppose.

I feel used.
I feel as though every conversation has been a lie on your end.

I am vulnerable.

I showed you my weaknesses.
I showed you my strengths.

I feel high from a drug I can no longer score.
The cravings are real.
The pain is real.

But I don't know if you're real.

My mind is full of curiousity...
For this new adventure ahead.

And you.

I wonder what your dreams are...
And how much of the world you have left to see...

Does your heart hold an anchor with a chain?
Or do you sail across yourself freely?

Are you willing to plunge into the depths of yourself and see every ounce of your existence?

Are you willing to see mine?

The thunder calls like an old friend.
I live electric.

But these dark clouds cover me up...
The blankets on beds I've never made.

Shadows share the walls.
They come and go.
They never stay.

I'll count the hours it has been in between thoughts of you.

Some days I find it harder to get out of bed knowing you're not in it with me.

There's this void I think you could fill.
There's this love I could give you.
There's this love I think you could give me in return.

So many what if's.
So many day dreams of what could be.

I struggle with the thought if you're even real at all.

My life is just a bunch of images running through my mind.
Bits and pieces get torn in the process.
But I can still tell you most things in detail.

Much like a photograph has a story behind it…
My life is just a story.
But in this story…
There are no pages to be turned…
Although, there are a few chapters.

Isn’t that what life is though?
A living, breathing story?

We put our lives every where…
But just remember it always started with keeping it filed in your mind.
A mental camera.

Soon we were keeping journals and diaries…
Now here I am…
Publishing.

My mind creates thoughts fast enough for my hands to say.
Before my mouth can even form sound.

Where the words are spinning and I catch glances.
Soon, I piece together the puzzle within each day.
Making odd ramblings of nothing sound so creative.
But sometimes they still just feel like a jumble of words.

I will never stop though.

We are all here to tell our story.
Even if no one is willing to listen.

We still put it out there hoping it will catch someone’s eyes.
So we can inspire.

Remembering we got inspired by someone who did it before us.

We're floating...
And before we know it,
we will hit the ground.

I question what may come from it.

I question a lot of things.
But it's all out of cautiousness.
My heart can't take the heat anymore.

The flames burn.
And I scar.
Remembering always what has happened.

But you...
As many times as I have told others 'this one is different.'
You feel different.

I have not touched your skin yet.
Or been able to gaze into your eyes as we lay side by side in bed.

I know you somewhat though.

I know that you're close with your family.
Especially your little sister who makes you laugh constantly.

I know that you've been hurt and mistreated by girls you loved kindheartedly.

I know that you're passionate about different things.
Like your career.
And your dreams.

You're humble.
And you know you are, but you never fake it.

And when I see you smile...
I know everything is going to be okay.

This piano is missing keys...
And I'm missing the music that was played on it.

Weeping willows are caressed by the summer breeze.
Where the fire flies wish to kiss the stars.

And my hand holds yours.

I never want to leave your side.
Never.

Truth be told, I'm not very good at this.
But I am figuring out how to be.

-Life

I'll keep pushing for greatness.
Because that's what I am.

You've been hurt.
And the pain is still there from what I can see.

But I want to know who you are.
And what battles you've won.

Because you mean something to me.
I don't want you to fade into a memory that I turn back to and wonder.

Deep down, I want to know what will happen with us.

Because everything about you melts my heart.

The seasons are changing.
And so am I.

You are too.

We are learning.
Growing.

Loving you is one of the best things.
Afternoons in bed are one of the great things.

Kisses are endless.
Laughs as well.

You don’t know what you do to me.

She dances alone because that’s what she’s used to.
But she doesn’t care.

Her eyes hold dreams she’s never told anyone.

And when the sides of her mouth curl…
A smile she’s kept hidden for so long starts to shine.

She keeps her thoughts to herself.
Bottled up and tossed in the endless sea that she calls her mind.

Sometimes she opens one.
And from there she rediscovers inspiration.

She holds onto photographs and ticket stubs.
Anything that means something to her.

She complains when she forgets to drink her hot tea.
But will still drink it anyway.

When the sun sets, she wakens.
She enjoys the silence of the night.

She’ll trust you with secrets.
She’ll trust you completely.

Until you give her a reason not to.

The clocks seem dead.
My mind spins.

Everything is where it should be.

Whoever you are. Wherever we meet. I'm hoping you can read these words and maybe even read them again over and over.

I'm ready to stroll into love. I know love isn't all perfect days and calm nights. I know we will argue and get mad at each other. But I'm ready for you to find me. I'm ready to share smiles and laughter. I'm ready to binge watch series with you and enjoy similar things together. Like museums and coffee shops. I want a bookcase we can put our favorite stories upon. While we are making our own along the way.

I'm ready for hand holding and passionate kisses once we close our front door. I'm ready to discover the world with you. Whoever you are... I'm impatient with this. I've become vulnerable and fragile. I can only hope you'll make me realize how crazy all this sounds. Or you'll just laugh and kiss me good night.

I can't wait to look into your eyes for the first time. When our smiles meet, it will forever be burned in my mind how perfect it is.

I lie in bed wondering where you are and if you're thinking someone out there may be crazy enough to put up with your shenanigans. I'm thinking the same thing too. I have baggage. I have a past. Guilt. Shame. Happiness. I love hard. I want to be the one you can't see a day without. Because I want you to be that person I can't live a day without.

Home alone.
Just waiting.

The time passes by so slowly.
The honey suckle burns quick.

And the smoke circles around my mind.

Silence is lingering.
Even my own reflection is lonely.

Come home.

How hurtful the world can be...
When I'm just trying to be me.

I don't know where my heart is going to take me...
But I'm listening...

Even more so than before.

I have shed a dead skin.
A chapter closed with a kiss...

The journey continues onward.
There's no stopping me now.

Believing in myself feels new.
But I am willing to risk whatever it takes...

For me to see it all.

I think you've disappeared for good now.
In my mind I keep thinking you will return to me.
And our late night conversations continue.

But so far that hasn't happened.
I wonder how long I'll keep caring anymore.

You had me in the palm of your hand.
I was willing to give you all that I am.

Down to the naked truth.
I'm sure we will never see each other now.
Even though that's all I've been wishing for.

I wish you would kiss me.
I wish you would put your arms around me.
But you won't.

Not now.
Probably not ever.

And I feel so empty from it.
Destroyed in a sense.
But I still have the strength to turn the other cheek I suppose.

I guess this is just what some people do.
If only I could move on and my heart wouldn't ache so much.

The roads seem lonely.
My bed feels extra big.

The house is empty.
And so is my heart.

I feel powerless.

I am the sunrise
And like The Sun, I shine for everyone.
The work I’m putting in may go unnoticed...

But there will be greatness shining throughout me. And everyone will pay attention.

I dance with the night like my shadow plays in the day. I’m in the midst of creating something beautiful.

Come be broken with me.

Others have damaged our trust.
And I have gained more fear than courage from it.

I know you have too.

I can't promise you fearlessness or perfection.

But I can promise you that I will try my best to feel better than okay.

I'm stuck in between who I've been and who I want to become.
The decisions are always more difficult now...
And my mind likes to dance around thoughts and ideas in order to cope.

I feel weak but not completely wounded.

I'm tired.
I want to sleep some.

The days seem to go by quickly but situations seem dragged out.

I don't know where to be or where to go.

So I stand here.

Our eyes tell stories our tongues can't bare to speak.
So I'll strip them down to the root...
That seems to be as deep as the darkening sea.
I'm struggling to pull on the anchor
that's making my heart sink to them...

Goodnight seems to be the hardest thing to say.
Because I would stay awake for days just talking to you.

You're a mystery book I want to read every day.
A thriller I cannot put down.

If the stars would align in my favor...
They would lead you to me.

I feel a connection unlike any other.

So take my hand and let's start this adventure.
We're too young to feel this old.

Though our souls seem older than anyone else would ever imagine.

I've cracked.

I feel like my mind is slowly slipping.
I can't seem to even come up with the words sometimes.

Because the shock value of it all still haunts me.
It always haunts me.

Leave me here.

I am independent.
I've learned well enough to pick up the pieces on my own.

I've done it more than you think.

I'll be there soon.
Give me a minute.

Some days, I find it harder to get out of bed more than usual.
Like somehow it's the only comfort I can find in the world.
Or at least...
To distract me from the outside world.

Some days I would rather stay dreaming.
To be able to shed my skin and reveal my soul.

But no one ever looks close enough.
No one ever stays.

I feel socially awkward.
Terrified to strike up a conversation with a beautiful stranger.

I don't feel worthy of their presence.
Some days, I don't feel worthy at all.

So I lay in bed again.
Too awake to sleep.
Dreaming out loud.
Trying to motivate myself to get out of bed tomorrow morning with ease.

But I don't know if that will happen.

What I am right now
is a work in progress

I do not live for your results
I live for mine

And with every darkening hour
The light still peeks in

I  am willing to keep moving through the night
There is no need for sleep

When reality has become sweeter than my dreams.

I thread lightly across these new discovered feelings...
Because my heart cannot take anymore battles.
I fear it would lose.

So I question myself every step of the way.
Trying my best to see over the horizon.
Just to see what is coming my way.

It's tough though.
It feels like all the other times.
But this walk feels slightly different.
The same old feelings.
But my mind and heart tell me to keep walking.

I'm trying to be cautious.
So badly.

But I'm also excited.
As well as terrified.

The thing that gets to me the most is...
My curiosity.

The search continues...
And my heart has grown very tired from all of this.

I know you're out there...
Whoever you are...

Someone who is aching just like me.

Wanting to feel a love we've felt before but one that continues to grow and not wither like the rest.

I want to wake up next to you...
And feel your skin against mine.

We'll drink coffee and quote our favorite authors...
And maybe even explore the city a little more.

I know you're out there somewhere...
If only I could find you.
Wherever you are...

I find comfort in a hot cup of coffee.
I feel daring in places unknown.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
From these roads I've traveled alone.

I've walked barefoot on my own shattered dreams.
Where the wounds have cut me so deep...
My blood has painted the ground so red...
The memories keep me from falling asleep.

The nights are long and weary.
Time slowly tiptoes by...
My thoughts are dark and eerie...
By then, my demons start to reply.

Stored in the darkest corners of my mind...
Are the things my demons untangle.
Everything I have ever wished to leave behind...
My demons' grip begins to strangle.

My mind is racing.
I'm gasping for air.

I'm ready.
I will stare into fear.
Until the end.

Speak to me the way you used to.
With that slight bit of sarcasm on the tip of your tongue.

I'll listen.
I promise.

Let me enjoy you from afar.
Before things become too real.
Let me admire you
like the work of art you are.

When it rains I want to feel every drop.
Let it blend in with the tears I cannot seem to escape.

Because the sea will continue to be wild and unpredictable.
The birds will continue to sing freely.

And I must learn to walk alone at times.

I feel the electricity in your lips.
A spark has ignited.

Our souls sing something we've never heard.

I feel it.
Can you?

This is it.
We are growing.
We are learning.
Always.

It's once we learn how to talk to ourselves...
That we find the peace we need.

You are love in all forms...
And with stars for eyes;
I pray that you can guide yourself
to the most beautiful existence.

- The Universe

I fall in love with strangers
Admiring them as they are

My heart overfills with enjoyment
And I don’t know where to pour it all.

In silence I find my voice....
The one that's been aching to speak.

Where the thoughts darken...
And my mind wanders searching for the light.

If they follow me home I promise you...
That I won't let them in the door.

Our light can out shine anything.
Our love keeps us warm.

Their coldest hearts are no match.
Our love is forever more.

In our darkest past we have seen the glimpse of light.

And we don't want to go back.
No, we don't want to stare back anymore.