I think you've disappeared for good now.
In my mind I keep thinking you will return to me.
And our late night conversations continue.

But so far that hasn't happened.
I wonder how long I'll keep caring anymore.

You had me in the palm of your hand.
I was willing to give you all that I am.

Down to the naked truth.
I'm sure we will never see each other now.
Even though that's all I've been wishing for.

I wish you would kiss me.
I wish you would put your arms around me.
But you won't.

Not now.
Probably not ever.

And I feel so empty from it.
Destroyed in a sense.
But I still have the strength to turn the other cheek I suppose.

I guess this is just what some people do.
If only I could move on and my heart wouldn't ache so much.

Whoever you are. Wherever we meet. I'm hoping you can read these words and maybe even read them again over and over.

I'm ready to stroll into love. I know love isn't all perfect days and calm nights. I know we will argue and get mad at each other. But I'm ready for you to find me. I'm ready to share smiles and laughter. I'm ready to binge watch series with you and enjoy similar things together. Like museums and coffee shops. I want a bookcase we can put our favorite stories upon. While we are making our own along the way.

I'm ready for hand holding and passionate kisses once we close our front door. I'm ready to discover the world with you. Whoever you are... I'm impatient with this. I've become vulnerable and fragile. I can only hope you'll make me realize how crazy all this sounds. Or you'll just laugh and kiss me good night.

I can't wait to look into your eyes for the first time. When our smiles meet, it will forever be burned in my mind how perfect it is.

I lie in bed wondering where you are and if you're thinking someone out there may be crazy enough to put up with your shenanigans. I'm thinking the same thing too. I have baggage. I have a past. Guilt. Shame. Happiness. I love hard. I want to be the one you can't see a day without. Because I want you to be that person I can't live a day without.

Being ignored is painful.
Because I'm left full of questions I wish to have answered.

I question if I did anything wrong or if you're feeling something you're not telling me.

You're not telling me anything at all.
I find it so frustrating.

Because this seems more difficult than it needs to be.
And I've tried reaching out to you.
But instead you ignore me.

I don't know why.
And maybe the best thing for me is to move forward from all of this.
To go back to before we even started talking.
Because I cannot keep having this reoccurring pain of loneliness waiting for you to come around again.
You always disappear at some point.
I'm tired of trying to get you to speak to me.
I'm tired of trying to get you to see me.
I'm tired of trying to get you at all.

My mind keeps racing with thoughts of you.
And I'm wondering if this will ever go anywhere.

Or if it will only be late night conversations about life.
Then you'll disappear again for an unknown amount of time.

I'll keep thinking about you.
Regardless.

I am just confused as to where we stand.
Because this all seems one sided right now.
I always make the first move.

I keep wondering if you will make the first move at some point...
Or if we will just continue the dance of this unlabeled thing we have.

I fall in love with strangers at shows.
Someone's eyes locking with mine.
And for a split second my heart races.
Because you never know if this could lead to something good.
They obviously have great taste in music...
I find that so attractive.
But in the end, our eyes kept meeting...
And we never did.

It makes my mind wonder what could have been.

Some days, I find it harder to get out of bed more than usual.
Like somehow it's the only comfort I can find in the world.
Or at least...
To distract me from the outside world.

Some days I would rather stay dreaming.
To be able to shed my skin and reveal my soul.

But no one ever looks close enough.
No one ever stays.

I feel socially awkward.
Terrified to strike up a conversation with a beautiful stranger.

I don't feel worthy of their presence.
Some days, I don't feel worthy at all.

So I lay in bed again.
Too awake to sleep.
Dreaming out loud.
Trying to motivate myself to get out of bed tomorrow morning with ease.

But I don't know if that will happen.

As I gazed at her through the light...
I saw her fading.
She was transparent, predictable.
She was paper thin.
And through her skin...
The words began to surface.
I read them over and over...
Like the pages of my favorite books.
She had become my favorite book.
And I never want it to end.

So here we are....
And as many mistakes as I have made...

I am wishing I would have never told you half of them.

Because giving me the cold shoulder is torture.
And you've been on my mind ever since we spent the night together.

It was so perfect.
So real.

And even through the smoke...
I could see who you really are.

I've been tossing and turning ever since.

Come be broken with me.

Others have damaged our trust.
And I have gained more fear than courage from it.

I know you have too.

I can't promise you fearlessness or perfection.

But I can promise you that I will try my best to feel better than okay.

For as long as I can remember...
I have found such comfort in being alone.
But I've been fighting loneliness all of my life.

I don't know which side will win.
Or if this is even a game where there's winning and losing.

Sometimes I will feel so small and defenseless in this world...
And other times I feel like I could conquer it completely.

I'll hide from the outside world for days...
Sometimes even weeks.

But when I find the strength to show my face...
I find the most beautiful and inspiring things.

Yet I return back to my comfort zone...
Inside four walls that know all my secrets...
To a place I feel as though I can feel myself completely.

I thought I could brace myself from the impact.
Just in case things went in a direction I didn't want them to.

But alas, 'let's just be friends' hurt harder than getting hit by a truck.

The funny thing is, I had a feeling about it.
One of those...
It seems too good to be true, so it probably is.
**** me.

I feel like an idiot.

And as my friends kiss my newly bleeding wounds...
They tell me this is an experience not a mistake.

Even though I feel like this is a repeat cycle of mistakes.
I always seem to think 'okay this one is different I am certain.'

Only to figure out that I was completely wrong.

I leap into things....
This I know.

But when I love...
I love hard.

And I guess I crash just as hard when it all falls down.

I continue to wonder if I have learned my lesson...
But I don't think I have.

Because I keep repeating things.

I like to think I can spot red flags instantly...
But this one...
This one tricked me pretty well.

I feel lost in a world I know little about.
And I carry everything with me.
Because it is all I have.

Even if it gets heavy...
I don't want you to lift a finger of it.

Deep down I crave for someone to lighten the load.
But I refuse.

If you were to walk with me though...
I would feel so much better.

Your voice strengthens me to keep going.

I'll sip this whiskey like you sipped glances at me.
I'm buzzed thinking of your smile.

It was like we took small steps before we leaped.
And here we are wanting to risk it all...
But still trying to shield ourselves just in case we are wrong.

I can't tell you what the future holds.
But if you're by my side, I think we might be able to rule the world.

It's hard for me to read you.
Everything is still so new.
But I am trying my best to understand.

I want to be the mature adult with the heart of a child.
Who is afraid to grow up but also afraid not to.

I'm torn between the past and present.

Going to bed, replaying the day's events.

Questioning if I have learned from pasts mistakes...
Or if I have repeated them.

For me, the first rough draft is always the hardest.
I'm filled with questions, worries, and excitement.

Because I feel like we have the potential to be something amazing.
I just often wonder if you feel the same.

But I have to remember this is just our first draft.
And that I live in my mind more than my entire body.
I always try to be two steps ahead...

So I can look back and see the outcome.
If it's bad, my heart has been saved by me being cautious.
If it's good, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I don't know why I am like this.

We're floating...
And before we know it,
we will hit the ground.

I question what may come from it.

I question a lot of things.
But it's all out of cautiousness.
My heart can't take the heat anymore.

The flames burn.
And I scar.
Remembering always what has happened.

But you...
As many times as I have told others 'this one is different.'
You feel different.

I have not touched your skin yet.
Or been able to gaze into your eyes as we lay side by side in bed.

I know you somewhat though.

I know that you're close with your family.
Especially your little sister who makes you laugh constantly.

I know that you've been hurt and mistreated by girls you loved kindheartedly.

I know that you're passionate about different things.
Like your career.
And your dreams.

You're humble.
And you know you are, but you never fake it.

And when I see you smile...
I know everything is going to be okay.

I thread lightly across these new discovered feelings...
Because my heart cannot take anymore battles.
I fear it would lose.

So I question myself every step of the way.
Trying my best to see over the horizon.
Just to see what is coming my way.

It's tough though.
It feels like all the other times.
But this walk feels slightly different.
The same old feelings.
But my mind and heart tell me to keep walking.

I'm trying to be cautious.
So badly.

But I'm also excited.
As well as terrified.

The thing that gets to me the most is...
My curiosity.

She dances alone because that’s what she’s used to.
But she doesn’t care.

Her eyes hold dreams she’s never told anyone.

And when the sides of her mouth curl…
A smile she’s kept hidden for so long starts to shine.

She keeps her thoughts to herself.
Bottled up and tossed in the endless sea that she calls her mind.

Sometimes she opens one.
And from there she rediscovers inspiration.

She holds onto photographs and ticket stubs.
Anything that means something to her.

She complains when she forgets to drink her hot tea.
But will still drink it anyway.

When the sun sets, she wakens.
She enjoys the silence of the night.

She’ll trust you with secrets.
She’ll trust you completely.

Until you give her a reason not to.

Your eyes speak love I've never felt.
And I'm dying to see what it feels like.

When you speak, I envy the words that get to touch your lips.
Because I want to be touching them with mine.

The snow will be falling.
Just as much as I am falling for you.

And we'll kiss just like we have always wanted to.

The feelings are so familiar yet still so new to us.

We're risking it all.
We're vulnerable.
We're terrified.

Yet I can't wait to see what happens next.

Silence has filled the room.
I question if I like it or not.

The cat is napping beside me.

Nothing has changed.
It's just another day...

But people are wishing me a happy birthday.
And I am grateful they took time out of their Christmas to do so.

23 sure isn't how I planned it to be.

Sushi for one.
Streaming A Christmas Story.

I'm so interested to see what happens.

Back and forth my mind seems to go.

The thought of you drives me wild.
But I'm terrified.

You could be everything I ever wanted.

Yet I'm so scared that you'll only be best as a day dream.

I keep questioning if I should follow you down.
Or just keep walking the other way.

Do you feel guilty?
Is that why you still have words to say?

Has my silence started to eat away the bitterness you've always had?

Or maybe it's the holidays that make you feel something at all.
That cold, cold heart of yours seems to be heating up again...

I won't fall for it again this time.

You may still have a hold on me in ways...
But I am standing taller than ever before.

Try.
Try all you want.

But the results are always going to remain the same.

Nothing.

The bottle of wine is almost empty...

And I'm singing along to the 90's songs I've always listened to.


Nothing can stop me now.
So here I sit.
With my cat in my lap who is sleeping peacefully.

Spending a Wednesday night alone.

Fear holds my hand.
But I keep walking.

I'm scared to death.

Inside and out.

You can tell.

And even with this mask of confidence...
It shows through the cracks that are forming.

What if you are expecting something more?
What if I am not what you think I am?

I think I've been myself all along...
I'm just curious to see what you think.

The bed is empty.
I only set the table for one.

There are days I'll let my coffee get cold.
Because I'm day dreaming too much.

Loneliness has me in a slumber.
And I can't seem to wake myself up.

I lie here with fear tucked away behind the darkest curtains.

Silence soothes my heart.
The chill puts me at ease.

And with the tears I shed, there is no relief...
Just a sudden sense of reality.

I am aware of the lonely nights ahead of me.
The nights where my bed feels too big.
And my nightmares toy with my mind.

When you're not here, I'm scared.
Frightened of myself.
Of my thoughts...

Behind every closed door lies a secret.
And mine you pretty much know.
But they are still starving...
Eating away at me.

It feels like so long ago...
Although it hasn't been.

It may seem like I'm heartless...

But deep down, I knew what we had wouldn't last.

As much as I tried to show you the light...
Your darkness consumed you...
And for a while...
It consumed me.

We sat there...
Getting high and playing music.
We were just too **** comfortable.

I don't want that.
Not anymore.

Such fearful walks I would take...
Just to talk with you...
Egg shells felt more like glass.

And you watched me bleed.

In my mind I thought I could fix you.
In my heart I wanted to show you love.

You took it all for granted.

And yet sometimes I wonder how you're doing.
As much as I want to hate you, I can't.

But you will never hear from me again.

Do you ever think how things could have gone differently?
That in the back of your mind...
Life would have made more sense?

I lie to my own reflection...
Believing that everything I do is right.
So I don't see myself cry.

I hide behind my own shadow.
More fearful of myself than of it.

I am confusing.
I can hurt and be hurt...
Sometimes all at once.

Our eyes tell stories our tongues can't bare to speak.
So I'll strip them down to the naked truth...

It seems to be as deep as the sea.
I'm struggling to pull on the anchor
that's making my heart sink.

Those snowy nights.
Where we'd run barefoot to the hot tub.

And we would watch the snow fall.
Taking in every minute of it.

We didn't live the normal life by any means.
But there were normal times.

So if you see me looking back, don't hesitate to speak.
Because you were apart of it just as much as me.

You've been gone for so long now.
I call out your name in the darkness.

Rain or shine you will always be on my mind.

You died with such grace, such beauty.
And in the end I loved you even more than I ever thought I could.
Because you were not afraid.
Even when you knew death was near.

Her eyes spoke stories her lips never told.
And as I gazed upon her porcelain skin....

I noticed the cracks.

I was so fixated by them.
Every thin line was beautiful.

She said she was broken,
but I didn't believe her at all.

To me she was a warrior.
A survivor.

So I sit here all alone.
When the nights seem to come alive.
And the shadows begin to fade.

With every ounce of my being I lie here...
And pretend that it doesn't even matter that you're not by my side.

This bed is so empty.
But it's something I have been getting used to.

Waking up alone is never fun,
but neither is an unwanted heart.

So I hope you find happiness in the records we used to play.
I hope you feel bittersweet when I cross your mind.

Because miles between us don't matter anymore.
And this broken heart is starting to heal.

But how is yours doing?

I stared at the ground...
So I didn't have to look you in the eye.

Fear covered me like a darkening veil.
And with every breath I exhaled...
I could not stop the feeling that this isn't meant to be.

I questioned everything.
And I still do.

Maybe I'm daydreaming too much...

That one day you...
Whoever you are...
Will find me sipping coffee outside a shop.
Rereading my favorite book...

And our universes will collide.

I'll look up and be so taken with you.
Right then and there.

I've forgotten where I stand...
As if the path has been walked without me.

Because I'm too concerned about myself.
Too concerned that I'm not pretty or proper enough.

Watching every move I make carefully.
Tasting the words that tend to slip out of my mouth.

Falling for the wrong things and people.

In time and space you'll find me...
Cornered in a dim room.
Still reading the same books.

Cuddling the same cat.

It will be as if nothing has changed...
But everything has.

Just wait and see.

So we have made it this far.
And maybe we will finally leave our shadows behind.

Because before us...
The sun is rising.

And I want to have coffee with you.

Beneath it all...
I still cower from the eyes of strangers.

Inside I am shaking.
Because when their eyes meet mine...
I have no place to hide.

There are no words to be spoken...

But sometimes I wish their lips would move.

Fear kisses my lips
While death stands still

Love begins to slip
As darkness begins to spill

Tomorrow I will not forget you
The sun will set with ease...

The light will swallow up that darkness
The morning will make light freeze...

That light!

Oh that beautiful light!

The one that sparkles in your eyes...
Forever I shall capture that light,
And never return it to the skies.

Your silence concerns me.
We might be fading out before this even starts.

I feel as though it's a day dream gone too far.
Because in my eyes you seem like you should be mine.

But I don't know what tomorrow holds.
I'm just hoping I get to hold you soon.

Our fear has a tight grip on you and I.
While risk tries to pull us forward from it all.

But we are torn.
Between old and new feelings.

Too scared to make the first move.
Too scared to not make a move at all.

I toss and turn.
Much like the sea.

I can no longer inhale the air you're breathing.

It's as if we are no longer words apart...
But chapters instead.
Maybe even further away than that.

I'm confused as to who you think I am.
I'm even more confused as to who you really are...

Do I wait?
Or should I keep turning the pages without you?

Simple things mean the most.

Your words sew patches...
On the holes others have left behind.

And I smile at the thought of your eyes meeting mine.

With every sunset...
I wonder if I'm your last thought...
Before the pillow holds your head gently.

And if your dreams taste as sweet as the life you lead.

I promise...

To hold you as much as you need.
To kiss the wounds that cut you so deeply.

I'll try my best to get you to smile.
Or to laugh at my silly jokes.

And when the evening air fills our lungs...
I'll sigh...
Just thinking about how grateful I am to have you by my side.

Don't be afraid to do things alone.
Those coffee shops and book stores you love...
Are still there waiting for you with open arms.

And even though you may feel silly eating alone at your favorite places...
Remember that you're going to be okay.
Because as the days come and go, you grow stronger.
Your independence strengthens.

I know some nights get lonely...

But you'll be just fine.
Don't live in fear of this single title.

Do things for yourself.
Explore.
Find new things to try.

Do it for you.

I hope you're sitting in the same chair you always did.
Strumming your guitar to a new tune.

I haven't forgotten everything.
Even though I've wanted to.

You're still holding onto me.
My heart is still on a leash.

And with every tug,
I refuse to fall back.
Instead I pull even harder to break free.

I am so close.

You've been hurt.
And the pain is still there from what I can see.

But I want to know who you are.
And what battles you've won.

Because you mean something to me.
I don't want you to fade into a memory that I turn back to and wonder.

Deep down, I want to know what will happen with us.

Because everything about you melts my heart.

With tiny steps I conquer demons in secret.
As if only when lightning strikes do I feel most powerful.

And with every movement your tongue and lips make...
I find it hard to believe they are moving against mine.

Maybe I'm just living inside my head.
Where the lights never go out.
Always awake.
Always thinking.

So when lightning does strike...
I will feel your lips.
My power.
To defeat anything in my path.

I feel your arms around me still.
Even though you're not here.

I like to pretend this bed is just the right size.

And without hearing your voice...
I can still remember it.

Without seeing your eyes.
I can remember looking into them.

Even though we are far apart.
You are not forgotten.

And when I finally decide to come back your way.
I waste my time or breath.

Because even though you still come to mind...
I can't bring myself to stand in front of you once again.

As we danced among the fireflies...
The moon smiled.

The sea began to kiss the shore.
Just as you kissed me.

My hummingbird of a heart began to flutter.

I don't want to leave this place.
I don't want these feelings to fade.

So let's keep dancing.
So let's keep kissing.

Until the lights go out.

We stand so tall among the grass...
And yet...
I feel so small.
Why is it that we follow our dreams...
But sometimes we are so far behind?

I want to be the closest to the door...
To open up that opportunity and breathe in that accomplishment.

Life has given me the words to express.
Love has given me the feeling of heartache.

I question whether the word love is overly used by us all...

But can you overly use a word that can be said so easily?
A word that... Can mean the world... But can also tear anyone apart.

I live in a life full of adventure.
Where the smiles never leave me...
And even though some people do...
I can still stand tall among the grass...
Breathing in that accomplishment of just being there...
And even though I may feel small and so far from some dreams' reach...

I can still stand and open the door of opportunity.

Your heart hides behind a wall much taller than me.
Fear makes your voice shake.
I can sense it.

You want to love something delicate, something fragile.
But too afraid that you will destory it in the end.

So your mind tosses and turns.
Back and forth with the idea that these feelings are real.
That maybe you could feel human again.

And with every good thought, there are two bad ones after.
That you're a monster in disguise.
Just for a little bit.

And maybe if you gave yourself the time of day...
You could see that your heart is actually beating.
Defrosting from the past.

I wish you would accept the love you give
and the love you could receive.
Because deep down I know you're wishing for something brilliant.
Something that hasn't happened, at least not yet.

Take her hand before it fades into a memory.
Make this moment worth it.
She's worth the try.
You're worth it, without a question.

Be still now.
We'll lie here.

The waves cover us like blankets.
And sting our wounds in the process.

I don't recall ever feeling like this before.
Guess there is a first for everything.

I've been strung along like a fish.
My heart on a leash you tug so forcefully.

Yet, sometimes it feels like I've escaped.
But you find me.
Again and again.

No more excuses.
The lies have run their course.

I've been myself this entire time.
As much as you've hated to see it.
As much as you've tried to change it.

I would rather stand alone...
Than be under your thumb.

So lay your broken promises...
And those self assuring thoughts to bed.

Because I'm not coming back to the house I used to call home.
Your open arms are a trap.
Hiding a heart that can't break down walls...
But one that only builds them up more.

Lie beside me once more.
And I'll pretend that everything is fine.
Just this once.

It's as if we've started over...
But with the knowledge we've gained over the years...

We'll play our songs.
Flipping through the vinyl like it's our first time again.

Smoking and drinking.

The ***** habits we had and maybe still have.

I'm stuck with the memories...
Good and bad.

And sometimes I find myself wishing for those old routines.

But I must move on.
Just like I've done.
Just like you've been doing too.