Our eyes tell stories our tongues can't bare to speak.
So I'll strip them down to the root...
That seems to be as deep as the darkening sea.
I'm struggling to pull on the anchor
that's making my heart sink to them...

I lie beneath the darkening sky.
Wondering where I'll be this time next year.

Maybe I'll take a trip far away.
Just to miss this place and come back again.

This isn't home, but no place has been...
So I'll pretend it is for now.

We moved together in the dark.
And we danced around our own demons.

Until today.
When mine began to dance around me.

It's nothing new...
But it hasn't happened in a while.

White turned to black once more.
And I have forgotten what it's like to feel this way.

The truth is...
Part of me missed it.

Fear has brought me to this place.
And without it, I think I would still be okay.

Even in the beginning I was full of fear.
The ending sounds just like the start.

So I'll lie to you and say it's fine.
When it really isn't.

As you try to drag me down to the place you call home.
But there's nothing that makes me feel comfortable about it.

It felt like a dream.
And everything was right.
It still feels right.

With every tear shed...
I leave behind the remains of a shattered heart.

And though it may still feel like a freshly cut wound...
I gather myself the best I can.
Every moment spent feels wasted.

All for nothing.

You've left a sour taste in my mouth.
And I've yet to remember what sweetness is.

Maybe I'm not who I used to be.

And maybe you're not either.

So we've made it this far.

There's no turning back now.
Everything that ever was...
Is now behind us.

And now, I leave you.
To walk your own path.
While I discover mine.

Nameless people pass me.
And in the crowd of blurring faces...
I search for you.

I know you're out there.
Somewhere.

And I just want you to know I'm here.

This bed is too big.
And I can't help but feel lonely.

Because deep down, the wounds are freshly scarring.

I fight the urge to look.

Sleepless nights have become routine.
My mind races my heart constantly.

So I lie here wondering where you are...
Whoever you are...

Hoping that you're out there...
Wondering where I am too.

Speak to me the way you used to.
With that slight bit of sarcasm on the tip of your tongue.

I'll listen.
I promise.

Things are weird right now...
And we've yet to find that common ground
between our love and our broken hearts.

I've made mistakes I can't fix.
So I lie here next to the phone...
Hoping that you'll keep telling me to come home.
And one of these times...
I will.

For now I'm stuck staring at two doors.
The one behind me and the one in front of me.

Do I open up the door that you are standing on the other side of?
Or do I unlock the one in front of me?

In either situation...
I need to put on a brave face.

Because behind both closed doors, I am scared.

I'm scared that you'll lock the door this time.
Even though I was the one who gave you back the key.

I'm scared that it might be the same old chapter reread over again.
That there will be just as much heart ache to share.

But what if I knock this time?
We can't forget the mistakes we've made.
But maybe we could overcome them and pick up where we left off.

The confusion is so real I find it unbearable.
Flooding my mind with 'what ifs'.
I can't ever sleep anymore.

I know I'm making you more confused than you already were...
I just hope you'll understand even when I know I can't explain.

For the first time in a long time...
I heard your voice.
It sounded so familiar.
But still so new.

As words were exchanged...
I couldn't help but feel that it was just like old times.

Where you would call in the middle of the night when neither of us could sleep.

And we would lie in our beds with smiles on our faces.
Because we both knew something was there.

Maybe we didn't give each other enough time.
Maybe it was just the way things were...

But all those bad times I don't look back on.
Just the good ones.

Like dinners at midnight.
Or hot baths we relaxed in.

There was something.
We were something.

And in the end when I saw it coming...
Though it was a surprise to you...
I left with tears in my eyes.

Not just because my heart was hurting.
But because what we had was something special.

Now I just have memories.
I didn't want to love you again.
Because it hurts too much.
Just like it did the last time.

So maybe this chapter needed to be read again.
Because somewhere between the first few dates and fights...
I got lost.

I'm wondering if opening it up repeatedly has accomplished anything at all.

It's as if we are two very different people who just ache for each other's heart.
But nothing else.

I question what could have been.
If I had stayed writing new chapters with you...

But I have to remind myself...
The tears were real.
That as much as I wanted to stay, I wanted to leave just a little bit more.

And maybe you'll wish upon your birthday candles that I'll come home.

Chances are though, it won't come true.

Because as much as I want you to be happy...
I just cannot be a part of it any longer.

I only know how to hurt...
To walk these roads alone.

I will break your heart.
The question is when?

The suspense will **** you before you ever know.

And I am suffocating with thoughts.

I will hurt you just so you will leave.
So that you will know how cold I really am.

I may not be the girl you know.
At least...
Not anymore.

There was no mask upon my face.
And maybe the feelings were true.

But over time those feelings seemed to fade.
And when I saw you...
I didn't recognize you.
Just a stranger.

We are just...
Strangers.

The wound is still fresh.
And my heart isn't fully committed.

So I'll lay out all the pieces...
And move on without them.

My mind keeps these scars hidden from the world.
And while I lose every ounce of my sanity...
I hope you know that I love you.

Everything seems harder than it is.
I have no complaints.
No real struggles.

And yet sometimes I struggle to live...
Sometimes...
Even to love.

The darkest thoughts come out to play.
And they never seem to tire.

So I lie here.
Not being able to control myself.

Silence is my favorite enemy.
And I bathe in the chaos it causes my mind.

These episodes play like reruns on television.
Every word is used.
Their voices echo.

And I start to believe them over and over again.

We're traveling...
Distance means nothing.

Every hour passes quickly.

And then we're there.

Tonight I'll be in your arms.
We'll sleep soundly like we always do.

Tossing and turning...
But loving every minute of it.

When the sun shines through...
I'll kiss you good morning.

And we'll start our routine.

Just like we always do.

You've shown the light to my darkness.
And the shadows fade away...

My demons seem to scatter.

They fall back into the corners of my mind...
Along with the regret I feel for my past mistakes.
Sometimes it weighs me down...
It keeps me up at night.

I am not perfect.

My wings are damaged...
Scars are visibly shown.

And you love me nonetheless.

Your heart has been healing mine.
And every day I wake up loving you more.
You're my goodnight kiss.
My dreams.

Your eyes remind me of every moonlit night.
I gaze into them.
Cherishing their beauty.

My soul dances with excitement when I think about you.
Because you gave your heart to me.

And for your love I am forever grateful.

In silence I find my voice....
The one that's been aching to speak.

Where the thoughts darken...
And my mind wanders searching for the light.

If they follow me home I promise you...
That I won't let them in the door.

Our light can out shine anything.
Our love keeps us warm.

Their coldest hearts are no match.
Our love is forever more.

In our darkest past we have seen the glimpse of light.

And we don't want to go back.
No, we don't want to stare back anymore.

We dreamed of becoming more than what we were.
And we escaped in the smoke that filled the room.

Our souls trapped...
Jailed behind our ribcages.

So we sat there...
Changing out the records.
Mouthing all the lyrics.

Waiting for the perfect moment to speak words.
Those times never came...

Instead we became more silent.

Inhaling the smoke.
Exhaling it all the same.

And I sat there wondering what else was out there.

I felt so comfortable in your surroundings.
Too high to realize what was really going on.

I broke the cycle.
The routine of a roller coaster ride that wasn't fun.
Longing for something more.
Wondering if I deserved better.

Even when I thought you were the best...
I started to question that.

My love for you may never die...
But my addictions did.

My tears brought on the clouds.
And I had to follow the sun.

No more.
No more tears.
No more love to give to you.

You hurt me.
With your words...
Your actions.
Your hands.

Why?

What did I ever do to you?
I loved you.

And now here you are...
Wanting me back...
Because I finally got the courage to leave.

How dare you.
How dare you say you've changed when you haven't.

I can never forgive you for what you have done to me.

The bruises.
The anxiety.

You took away my freedom.
You took away my fire.
My passion.
My happiness.

I feel sick.

The things you did to me...
Even when I said no.
'No' never meant anything to you.
You did what you wanted to do anyways.

And now you sit there...
Dumbfounded.
Questioning why I left...

Maybe you're too high to realize...
Maybe you're blaming me for not communicating.

But it was you.
And I have finally had enough.

I find comfort in a hot cup of coffee.
I feel daring in places unknown.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
From these roads I've traveled alone.

I've walked barefoot on my own shattered dreams.
Where the wounds have cut me so deep...
My blood has painted the ground so red...
The memories keep me from falling asleep.

The nights are long and weary.
Time slowly tiptoes by...
My thoughts are dark and eerie...
By then, my demons start to reply.

Stored in the darkest corners of my mind...
Are the things my demons untangle.
Everything I have ever wished to leave behind...
My demons' grip begins to strangle.

My mind is racing.
I'm gasping for air.

I'm ready.
I will stare into fear.
Until the end.

Your eyes show me your soul.
How it dances behind them...

Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.

Every morning is a fresh start.
With a new beat to feel in your chest.

I see it.
I know it so well...

And here I am...
Standing before you.
Like I want to.

Jealousy isn't an option.
Because even though we may be putting the pieces together...
It won't be the same puzzle you started.

Everything seems to be falling into place.
So perfectly.

As if it's too good to be true.
So my heart takes small steps...
Treading lightly on those familiar feelings.

Knowing that at any moment it could crumble.
But I keep tiptoeing...
Forward.

Breathe.

I want to believe it all so quickly...

In my mind, I know the warning signs...
In my heart, I feel the pain of the past.
Reminding me of the risks I am taking.
In my soul, yours is intertwined with mine.

I love you.
Deeper than any sea.
More than any amount of time I have left.
I would give you my last breath if you asked.

Keep going...
Don't look back.

Refresh.
Restart.

Over and over.
Until it feels right.
Until it feels like you can breathe again.



I can finally breathe again.

No longer feeling trapped.
My soul begins to sing.

No longer praying for oxygen while I'm being pulled under.
Drowning.

I've broken free of my anchor.
I am floating.
I'm a fighter.

I can swim again...
To the surface

Sinking was never an option.

Let go...
Let it all go.

The regrets.
The embarrassment.
The shame.

Let.
It.
All.
Go.

My heart beats unevenly.
Shattered and put back together again...
Tape and band-aids.
Time has made me see the darkness within the day.
Where the shadows never sleep.
I find myself searching for the pain again.
Squeezing lemon upon my fresh wound...
Just to feel something...
Anything at all.
The thought of insanity fills my head.
Chaos in a closed room.
Hurt, broken, and unforgiving.
No longer able to sing a sweet song.
Unable to beat the same way his does.

The roads seem lonely.
My bed feels extra big.

The house is empty.
And so is my heart.

I feel powerless.

Time.
It makes me anxious.
I am constantly looking for it.

Gone.
Gone in seconds, minutes, hours, and days.

I've been searching for time to do things.
Time to appreciate things.

I have yet to accomplish anything.
Because I keep wasting time looking.

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own body.
As if my soul is caged behind my ribs...

My mind never shuts off.
A constant movie replaying and replaying.

Those terrible times.
My adolescent years...
My constant mistakes.

I am filled with regret.
I am paralyzed by my past.
Unable to move forward with life.

Feeling the memories in the back of my mind still...
I've tried so hard to make them go away.
But they don't perish into the flames of yesterday.
They are still here.
And they still haunt me.

We lie here talking about our fears...
Regrets.
Heartache.
Trauma.

Making our hearts race.
And our bodies seem to heat up.

And when the tears finally dry...
We will understand each other.

And so the story goes about a little girl falling for a boy with a bad side.
That everything would happen for a reason.

But she didn't want to listen to it all.
She wanted to feel that sense of freedom.
That sense of feeling like SHE was in the spotlight on the dance floor.
With all eyes on her.

Just for that one moment...

She felt like she could love someone else more than she could love him.
That this love wasn't anything compared to what would happen next.
At any given time.
Any given place.
That she would meet someone.
And the magic would never die.
Even though this love taught her many lessons...
She felt as though she would find a love where she felt more appreciated.
Where you finally understand it.
That you feel fulfillment in life.
That you could live forever.
With no fear and only happiness.

Why is it when something bad happens do I always want to write about it?
Writing about happiness makes me feel sappy.
But once there is a problem...
I put pen to paper.
I see.
I think.
I feel...

I feel that imagination.
That sense of power.
That freedom.


And in those times of silence...
When neither one of us has anything to say...
My mind wanders further and further away.

Deep inside my soul.
Searching for that feeling again.

It was a lonely day.
Cold and bitter.

Her hair covered her shoulders like a light sweater.
Her breath was almost visible.

The seasons were changing...
And so was she.

I saw something beautiful.
Your eyes would not look.

I heard something inspiring.
You wouldn't listen.

I wanted to share with you...
What I saw.
What I heard.
What I felt.

But as much as I tried to get your attention.
To get your eyes to see the beauty in what I was giving you...

You looked away.
You can still hear.
But you don't want to listen.

You can still feel.
But you don't want to touch.

I want to be on your mind...
Like the errands you are supposed to run.
And like the lyrics you write.

The water is cold now...
But I still slither into it.

Life seems to be overwhelming.
With the littlest things I cannot seem to get over.

The scenery is changing...
My mirror tells me I am too.

I cannot move forward.
Blocking my path is...

Myself.

With that self realization I hope I can learn...
Hopefully.

If the sky were to fall down on us...
I would stand there waiting with open arms.

The rain can only wash away the dirt on our faces.

Sins.
Regrets.
Guilt.

All the things I wish my mind would stop speaking of.
Insomnia sets in.

The past visits me often.
But it is never a pleasant time.

I wish the rain would wash away our sins...
The regret we still feel from so long ago.
Like the conversations I wish I would have had...
The friends I should have kept.
Pictures I could have taken.
And the guilt of never taking action when I should have.


If only the rain could wash everything away.

The scene is changing...
And the romance is fading.

We are two people in the same room.
Who have nothing to talk about.

Silence is our new conversation.
Maybe we just aren't listening enough.

The rain has made the day seem dreary.
And my socks are soaking wet.
The dog is muddy now.
He needs a bath.

What happened to our spark?
The dates seem lonely.
Dinners seem cold.
The nights end early.

We lie there holding each other...
But to me it doesn't feel the same.

As if I am just there.
Not as your lover.
Not as your friend.

Just...
Someone to hold.

Everyone around me says it is not abuse.
That the love we have is worth fighting for.

Even though I am told what to wear.
How to speak.

I am the bad person.
I am the one making up lies they say.
It's not abuse they say.
I'm just overreacting.

And maybe I am...
But I never feel happy anymore.
As if my soul has already left my body.

So many tears are shed every day.
Depression brings thoughts of suicide.

I think about it daily.

I went to bed alone last night.
He didn't care that I was upset.
He didn't care to talk to me.
He just wanted to watch television.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive.
Some say I have someone else in mind.

But I really don't.

Some say I'm just bored with my relationship.
I don't think I am.

I have dreams of driving away and never looking back.
I'm scared to leave.

Emotionally drained.
I am not me anymore.

I am someone who has been molded for someone else.

I feel lost...
As if this love no longer feels real.
Like we are losing chemistry.

You no longer say hello when I walk through the door...
Even when I say it first to you.

I feel ignored.
I feel like the passion has left.

The dishes are still ***** even though you said you would do them...
The house is messier than I remember it being.

I'm torn.
Between loving you.
And leaving you.

Do I know you?

That question shouldn't affect me and yet it does...
I don't need to answer it.

And yet I feel as though I am one of the faceless people.
The ones that you pass every day not knowing their names.

But they knew mine.
We had conversations.

And yet I'm the one standing here trying to make myself seem like something more than I was.

I was invisible.
To all of them.

I see that now.

The clocks seem dead.
My mind spins.

Everything is where it should be.

The stars seem to sparkle brighter than the eyes you once mirrored me with.
I look at everything in a different light where the shadows cannot follow.

The light always swallows up the dark.

But I still have a fear of the darkness within us.

What makes us this way?

Tea and coffee always gets cold with good conversation.
But in an awkward meeting, we sip just to avoid speaking.
Burning our mouths once and awhile.

My tea has stayed hot lately.

I find myself looking at an empty cup constantly with you.

When did this happen?

I’ve realized that I day dream too much.

Of this perfect scene of tea and coffee…
All by myself until I look up and see a smiling face.

With that sparkle in their eyes of something new.

Something worth cold tea and coffee

The thunder starts to sing…
Lightning strikes a move like a poised ballerina.

Rain falls like passion in the middle of hot romance.

Seaweed along shore doesn’t seem to mind the nectar from above.

One lonely ship at sea.
The rain kisses every inch of her.

Wind whispers sweet nothings into her sails.

The most invigorating feeling has come over her.
But alas, her sails begin to drop.

The feeling is long gone now.

She presses forward searching for it once more…

The moon shines brightly above her.
She moves forward.
Wanting to touch it…
Wanting to feel it’s beam of greatness upon her.

She swims further away from land.

Her sails still lifeless.

The shore becomes a line of electricity now.

Soon, it is no longer in sight.

I cannot picture a day starting...
Without you still snuggling me in bed.

I cannot imagine an afternoon of grabbing coffee without you.

When I hear of loved ones that have passed,
I cry because losing you would be the end of me.

You are my soul mate, my partner, my best friend.
And I cannot see myself being without you.

You know me inside and out.
So well sometimes that I get mad.
Because I think no body knows me.
But you do.
Better than anyone else.

At times we fight and go to bed mad...
I still tell you I love you before we fall asleep.
Because I do even though we argue.
Nothing will ever change that.

Though our pasts still have sensitive subjects...
And our own depression has caused us pain...

Now we have each other.
And I am more me than I have ever been.
Because you encourage me to be myself.
That...
Being me is beautiful and smart.
Even when I don't think I am.

There are so many more words I could say.
About how much I love you.
A novel's worth or more.
Endless love.

But this is just one.

What if I said the world is standing still...
But it's my mind that keeps spinning.

That time has stopped...
And you can inspect me more closely for what I really am.

I fall.
I fail.
But I also love.
And I love you.

Just looking into your eyes makes my heart race.
As if I am looking into them for the first time all over again.

Your charm still makes me blush.

I failed this evening...
I didn't make you smile.

So now you lie in bed sleeping...
As I pick apart my mind...

For the things I shouldn't have said.
For the things I should have done.

A few strands fell onto the floor this morning...
Even more when I brushed my head.
The traumatic events of the past year...

Have left me with thinning hair.

I didn't see it coming...
Until the sink showed me today...

That everything on the back burner...
Has come out to play.

The darkness crept in and ate up the light.
Now everything seems strange.

Nothing here but a messy sight.
Of a girl who needs to change.

This piano is missing keys...
And I'm missing the music that was played on it.

Weeping willows are caressed by the summer breeze.
Where the fire flies wish to kiss the stars.

And my hand holds yours.

I never want to leave your side.
Never.

My life is just a bunch of images running through my mind.
Bits and pieces get torn in the process.
But I can still tell you most things in detail.

Much like a photograph has a story behind it…
My life is just a story.
But in this story…
There are no pages to be turned…
Although, there are a few chapters.

Isn’t that what life is though?
A living, breathing story?

My mind creates thoughts fast enough for my hands to say.
Before my mouth can even form sound.

Where the words are spinning and I catch glances.
Soon, I piece together the puzzle within each day.
I will never stop though.

We are all here to tell our story.
Even if no one is willing to listen.

We still put it out there hoping it will catch someone’s eyes.
So we can inspire.

Remembering we got inspired by someone who did it before us.

The seasons are changing.
And so am I.

You are too.

We are learning.
Growing.

Loving you is one of the best things.
Afternoons in bed are one of the great things.

Kisses are endless.
Laughs as well.

You don’t know what you do to me.

Oh lost sparrow…
My house is only of glass.
This is no safe place to nest.

That train home left long ago.
But you still sit there patiently.

My pillows have soaked up the tears.
Stained.

Never forgotten.

Lost sparrow, you must find your way home.
My heart no longer exist.
There is just a hole to see through me with.

My anger has softened like a fire with nothing more to burn.

But lost sparrow, you still bring me to tears.
It feels likes they may never end.

Your broken wings I cannot fix.
Your broken heart I can no longer piece together.

I'm sorry.