I see myself in strangers' habits.
How similar they seem.

Beneath these layers I'll unfold,
Dreams and darkening things.

I'm an artist.
I'm a poet.
I'm crazy.
I know it.

But I'm curious at heart and at mind.

I'm wild and I'll shelter that.
Until I feel you can handle it.

Let's see what happens with time.

Your entrance is welcoming.
A new flower in bloom.

Mystery fills the air
You light my curiousity

My life is just a bunch of images running through my mind.
Bits and pieces get torn in the process.
But I can still tell you most things in detail.

Much like a photograph has a story behind it…
My life is just a story.
But in this story…
There are no pages to be turned…
Although, there are a few chapters.

Isn’t that what life is though?
A living, breathing story?

We put our lives every where…
But just remember it always started with keeping it filed in your mind.
A mental camera.

Soon we were keeping journals and diaries…
Now here I am…
Publishing.

My mind creates thoughts fast enough for my hands to say.
Before my mouth can even form sound.

Where the words are spinning and I catch glances.
Soon, I piece together the puzzle within each day.
Making odd ramblings of nothing sound so creative.
But sometimes they still just feel like a jumble of words.

I will never stop though.

We are all here to tell our story.
Even if no one is willing to listen.

We still put it out there hoping it will catch someone’s eyes.
So we can inspire.

Remembering we got inspired by someone who did it before us.

Here I am.
A little light shielded with shadows.

I haven't seen the world,
or done much.

But I'm here.
I want you to know I exist.

I'm not out to define myself...
I'm just out to find myself...

Fevers break...
And I'm trapped in bones fragile like porcelain.

If only I could find some sort of balance
between fire and ice.

There is no gray smudge amid the black and white.
There's only dark and there's only light.

I'm cold on a hot summer's day.
I'm wondering if you'll stay...

Always.

I'll keep pushing for greatness.
Because that's what I am.

Keep going.

- The Universe

We all have magic within us.
To me, it's clear to see...

That you are capable of achieving anything,
As long as you believe...

For believing in yourself, holds more power than meets the eye.
And with every thought, idea, hope, and dream...
They begin to fill your sky.

It starts with a wish.
You are the fisherman.
Go out and fish.

Those books won't write themselves, and those stories can't be told...
If there weren't some magic still floating around inside your soul.

I can't predict the future.
I can only live here and now.

And if a tree falls in the forest.
I'll believe it makes a sound.

Because I believe in magic and I believe in fairy tales.
I believe in story books about chasing big white whales.

And if I can keep sharpening this craft, deep down inside....
I'll be able to hang on longer and keep that magic alive.

Slowly the weight of the world
seems to fade

The more I fall in love with it.

I wish I could be normal.
I feel so ****** up sometimes.

I can't even be there for you...
In a social setting because people overwhelm me.

You say it's fine and not to be sorry.
You say I should do what makes me feel comfortable.

I feel stuck in between.

I feel the electricity in your lips.
A spark has ignited.

Our souls sing something we've never heard.

I feel it.
Can you?

This is it.
We are growing.
We are learning.
Always.

It's once we learn how to talk to ourselves...
That we find the peace we need.

How do you look someone in the eye for the last time?
It's so hard to think that we will be saying goodbye.
We've ended a chapter we'll reread years to come.
But only in our heads.

As I try to erase whatever polaroids seem to consume my mind...
I am reminded that at one time there was something.
I will never know what that something could have turned into.
But we both agreed to turn our backs on each other.
We knew it wasn't meant to be.

We'll live on in social media likes.
Hidden hash tags with hidden meanings.

Why do you do this to me?

This will never be what you wanted.
Because you changed it all.

I was comfortable.
Silence seemed fitting.
Your image was fading into the background.
Our memories darkening.

You always come back when you want to.
You're a bird with no home.

The world's still asleep...
It makes me feel more awake.

Because in this moment of mixed feelings,
Of tiredness and wiredness and anything in between...

I can sit back and watch it all spin.
Until I fall asleep.

How hurtful the world can be...
When I'm just trying to be me.

Why am I so self destructive?
I can create such beautiful things...
But then I destroy them.

I live with the pettiest of fears.
Ones I can ******* get over.

So why can't I get over them?

******* my destructive self.

Truth be told, I'm not very good at this.
But I am figuring out how to be.

-Life

The thunder calls like an old friend.
I live electric.

But these dark clouds cover me up...
The blankets on beds I've never made.

Shadows share the walls.
They come and go.
They never stay.

I'm lost.
Sometimes I don't want to be found.

Sometimes I want to scream.
Sometimes I don't want to make a sound.

Can I sleep for days?
I want to try for it.

Believe me when I tell you that magic is real.
That right before your eyes things will change.

And for a split second everything dark, every shadow, seems to wash away as your world fills with color.

But in order for magic to be real...
You have to be real too.

My mind itself is black and white.
I cannot rid the dark.
I cannot shade the light.

Deep down inside you'll see.
The missing pieces.
I'm still trying to become free...

Of myself.

I'm stuck in between who I've been and who I want to become.
The decisions are always more difficult now...
And my mind likes to dance around thoughts and ideas in order to cope.

I feel weak but not completely wounded.

I'm tired.
I want to sleep some.

The days seem to go by quickly but situations seem dragged out.

I don't know where to be or where to go.

So I stand here.

I've cracked.

I feel like my mind is slowly slipping.
I can't seem to even come up with the words sometimes.

Because the shock value of it all still haunts me.
It always haunts me.

Leave me here.

I am independent.
I've learned well enough to pick up the pieces on my own.

I've done it more than you think.

I'll be there soon.
Give me a minute.

Swirling inside me is a message I've yet to decipher.
As I continue the search for my own peace of mind...
I fumble and trip with continuous confusion as to what is going on.

Reality is unreal at times.
Where it seems like the world is a Hollywood hit.

I'm watching this all continue.
I'm watching it all fall down.

I rise above it all...
I rise again every time I fall too.

I've become jaded and mediocre.

I know I can be better.
I'm pushing for that again.

Miss you
Eat
Miss you
Sleep
Miss you

The years continue to come.
And what we've had, still fades.

Because we continue holding on...
For anything.
For everything.

You disappear here and there.
I always wonder where you are.

But I don't go searching for answers.
Because I know you'll reappear when you're ready.

Tonight your wall started to crumble even more.
More than what I'm used to seeing.

You weren't bringing this wall down to rebuild later...
This time you didn't leave me with just a taste.

You let me in.

But it's too late now.

You kept your walls higher than I could ever reach or destroy.

And someone finally let me in.
And I've let them in too.

What could have been?

With this journey we've started...
Baby, we've got it goin' on.

I've got a hand to hold and we've got things to do.
And I'll do everything with you.

We cruise through the streets of LA and Venice like we own it.
And in our world, we do.

Our coffee shop favorites with a hint of excellence.
The rest is up to us.

We're forgiving and forgetful.
We connect.
The corners of our minds meeting with complete excitement.

Our pasts haven't defined us.
And they won't.

We are the warriors.
Our bodies covered in scars.
The world has battled us since day 1.
But we've made it this far.

If I could go back and start over, I would begin with you and I.

We were kids dying from addictions.
And we didn't know how to handle it.

Depression was killing me.
****** was slowly killing you.

I didn't know at first...
How deeply you've been scarred.

But as our teenage love unfolded,
each page held dark secrets that we couldn't even tell each other at first.

Eventually we did. I began to understand the pain you felt every day. The torturous pain. I ache for you to this day. Wishing I would have been there for you more.

You became more distant.
And my parents weren't fond of you either.

Heartbroken.

As we tried to sneak around like some tale from far ago, it became tiring...
It became a decision.
That tossed back and forth longer than I thought it would go.

I know you loved me I could see it in your eyes and the way you would smile at me, I loved you too.

You're gone now.
And as I wish that I would have kept all the things you've given me...

I wish more than anything that I could thank you.

Because without you, I wouldn't know what love is.

You are gone...
But not far away.

Beneath this roof with the cat and dog, we stay...
Waiting for you to return...
home for the day.

I'll cook you dinner and make dessert.
I will show you how much I miss you in many ways.

First dinner, then dessert, then from there we will lay...
On the couch holding hands forever in a trance of what this love means to us.

With you it's effortless when it seems like it should be.
And the times we spend in misunderstandings end before the day does.
We don't go to bed angry.

How wonderful it is you see...
The fact that I...
Feel like the luckiest person in the world to wake up next to you.

Each morning and each night we intertwine like we are the high school sweetheart couple (even though we met much later than that).

With you it feels like the first time.
Because the moment I met you, my world instantly changed...

It continues to be the best chapter of my life that I neglected to write down until now. So this is where I want to begin, by writing it down so far...

The night I met you it was an unexpected spark. I had seen you a couple of nights before at the same bar. The only bar I think that is cool in this town. It was a Thursday when I first saw you. I was on the dance floor with some co-workers. You walked across the bar with your drink... In your Hawaiian shirt. But honestly the very first thing I noticed was your hair. It's so bleach blonde...I instantly knew you were a surfer. I thought you were interesting. But I didn't go up to you that night.

Saturday evening that same week I decided to have a beer and see what was going on outside on the patio. It was a safari of people, so I sat down to observe everyone around me. I didn't expect someone to sit down next to me... I really didn't expect some drunk lady to start complimenting me all of a sudden. A drug rehabilitation nurse who would not stop talking about nursing a bunch of alcoholics ironically... But you saved the day. I saw you walk towards me and I grabbed your arm. I said talked about how I had seen you a couple of nights earlier. You seemed stoked because you were smiling really big. Your eyes were so amazing upon closer inspection. They still are, I love waking up next to you.

We talked about things we have in common. Enough to where you bought me another beer and we went up and sat in the little nook. It was a peaceful little spot, we both enjoyed watching the people walk up and down the stairs of the house. The bar seems to be more like a house party all the time rather than an average bar anyways.

We were talking and all of a sudden some girls said that we were a cute couple. We both were shocked and didn't know what to say so we said thanks. A while later two other girls came up to us and started saying we should kiss... I wanted to, so I got up and kissed you. You blushed, it was great. And then you kissed me back.

Last call came, and the bar closed. So you asked me if I wanted to smoke in your car and hang out for a little bit longer. We did. I remember I thought it was so polite of you when you walked me back to my car. We kissed and it was magical. Before we parted ways I handed you flowers I had in my car (left over centerpieces from a pretty wedding) and told you not enough guys get flowers. I drove away thinking I was such an idiot and what was I thinking giving a guy flowers? You've since told me you thought it was sweet and your friends agreed that a girl really likes you if she gives you something. I was hoping to see you again after that night, because you gave me butterflies. Even though you still give me them to me.

I feel like I've known you all of my life. I love you.

It all comes back here and there...
The memories...
The noises...
What it feels like...

To live a life of bits and pieces...

...and to be reminded of the scattered soul I am.

If the stars sing tonight, we will hear our song.
Because they've aligned perfectly for us.

We are falling...

Madly...
Passionately...
Deeply...

In love.

There are so many paths we don't take...
And I constantly am questioning what the other paths would lead to.

Why do I always waste thoughts on past loves?
Why am I always wondering what could have been?

I cannot ever seem to shake this feeling of missing out.
Even when I don't know what it is.

I'm lonely.
And you've all taken pieces of me you have yet to return.
And probably never will.

How can I trust anymore?
When all they do is leave...

They always leave...

And I often wonder what could have been...
Had they stayed...

We're falling apart.
Slowly, but surely.

I'm sure we will both reminisce of better days...

But you've fallen in love with someone new.
And I've had it with your fickle ****.

So we seem to just be strangers now.

And on that rare occurrence that we talk...
Everything is comfortable.
Natural.

But I dislike your distance.
I've told you many times.
And you always say sorry...
As if that means anything to me anymore.

So we'll go through life secretly loving each other.
Never being able to tell each other how we really feel.

I'm okay with that.

Nothing has changed here...
As much as I have replayed the movie, records, reread the chapters...
The outcome will always be the same.

But there is a thread of hope things will have a different ending.

It never is new.
I question why I continue to play these mind games with myself...

There is something here.
There is a flame...

Small, but alive...

And I feel it thawing whatever bitter coldness,
I have obtained from the shoulders of others.

I wonder what will happen next...
Or if this will just become another day dream of 'what could have been.'

I'm insecure.
I'm flawed.

Mentally preparing myself for horrible outcomes...
Emotionally trying to remain stable in the midst of chaos.

Chaos that hasn't even begun.
Chaos that may not even begin.

But I am just preparing for the worst.
I feel like it won't hurt as bad if I do.

I hope that this is something good.
I hope that this introduces us to the next chapter of our lives.

I find myself thinking of you.
The you I have fantasized...
Not who you really are.

In my head the idea of you is perfect.
In my head the scenarios play out in my favor.

But in reality...
I have blocked you out completely.
Because you don't care enough to stay.

So why should I let you even look?
Why should I give you the right to walk in and out when you please?

I don't.
I won't.

I know you well enough as to what you'll do.
I know myself well enough that I will allow it to happen all over again.

But not this time.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?

Our paths are turning different directions now.
I cannot be in and out of your life like you have been in mine.

You will defeat the demons you keep enduring.
You'll find what you're looking for.

I can only hope...

Although you only remained a chapter in my life...
And yes, I know I am the one that turned the page to end it...
You have made an impact.

Our connection was real.
At least...
In my eyes and in my heart.

Maybe I wasn't what you were looking for...
Maybe I was just an escape from reality...

At first those thoughts made me ache with a dull pain.
One that I always seem to get.
It has become so familiar.

But being numb now isn't too bad.
It has made me reread this last chapter...
I have a clearer idea of what I must do to write the next...

And maybe our paths will cross at some point.
Right now though, I will be silent.
I feel as though you do not deserve my words or heart.

You can't just keep popping into my life spontaneously.
Just when I think I am done having feelings for you...
You seem to just come back full swing.

**** it.

Do you know how frustrating it is to have such a connection?
To want things from another person because you feel it is right?

You don't give me the time of ******* day.
Unless you choose to.

It is always when you choose to.

I don't know what to do.

I question if I should leave you questioning where I am...
And how I am doing...
A taste of your own medicine...
To just read the messages you send me and only reply when I feel like it.

It kills me inside that there so many love songs that remind me of you.
It kills me that you're eventually going to say sorry and give some **** poor excuse as to why you have been absent in my life...

So what the **** are you?
What the **** do you want?

What the **** do I even want anymore?

When it rains I want to feel every drop.
Let it blend in with the tears I cannot seem to escape.

Because the sea will continue to be wild and unpredictable.
The birds will continue to sing freely.

And I must learn to walk alone at times.

My memories of you keep fading...

I've forgotten how your voice sounds.
And the way you smell when you've just stepped out of the shower.

The things I can remember range from heartache to love.
There are no in between moments...

I still remember the music you would play.
Or how relieved you looked coming home from work to see me.

But...
The heart ache seems to overpower it all.
As much passion as we had to keep it together...
We are just not meant to be.

I wish we could still speak the way we used to.
Or see where things would end up even just from talking...

But my heart tells me to stay away.
Because you built more walls than bridges.
And I cannot forgive you for hurting who I was and who I could have been then.

Now I am starting over...
It hasn't been easy with you still wandering across my mind from time to time...

But with every new day, you fade.
Just another stranger on the street.

The search continues...
And my heart has grown very tired from all of this.

I know you're out there...
Whoever you are...

Someone who is aching just like me.

Wanting to feel a love we've felt before but one that continues to grow and not wither like the rest.

I want to wake up next to you...
And feel your skin against mine.

We'll drink coffee and quote our favorite authors...
And maybe even explore the city a little more.

I know you're out there somewhere...
If only I could find you.
Wherever you are...

I'll keep living each day without you by my side.
It isn't easy but I still make it to bed each night.

I wonder how you're doing.
And if I'm ever on your mind.

So many day dreams have been had.
So many things we have said.

I'm hoping at some point they turn out to be true.
I can only hope that you're true to your word...
And that you'll meet me at midnight along the shore.

We'll skinny dip in the sea with only the moon there to watch.
And we'll see if we make sense together or not.

Goodnight seems to be the hardest thing to say.
Because I would stay awake for days just talking to you.

You're a mystery book I want to read every day.
A thriller I cannot put down.

If the stars would align in my favor...
They would lead you to me.

I feel a connection unlike any other.

So take my hand and let's start this adventure.
We're too young to feel this old.

Though our souls seem older than anyone else would ever imagine.

In my dreams it's all real once again.
I can't shake the thought that you feel free leaving me...

Life continues...
And for the most part I would say I am fine without you.

But occasionally, you appear in my dreams...
Reminding me what I've had...
What I've lost...

A power you still have over me.
Waking with an old familiar feeling once again.

I know that this is how it's meant to be.
But there's always that split second of willingness to go with you...
If you asked...

It screams risk.
It screams adventure.

But I know I'd be rereading an old chapter...
Nothing's really changed even though I wish it would.

I'll count the hours it has been in between thoughts of you.

Some days I find it harder to get out of bed knowing you're not in it with me.

There's this void I think you could fill.
There's this love I could give you.
There's this love I think you could give me in return.

So many what if's.
So many day dreams of what could be.

I struggle with the thought if you're even real at all.

I don't like who you've become.
It's as if there's been more secrets in the room that I wasn't aware of.

And you dance as if I should have known from the moment you've done things.
From the moment you've said things.

I'm still in shock from it all.
Take me down.
Take it all down.

Rip away the newest pages from the book we've been writing.

**** the first draft.

Can we start this all over?
Or are we stuck figuring this out?

My heart has scars thicker than the fog in the morning.
Everything has begun to roll off like it's nothing.
Because I've felt more painful heartache than this before.

You can try to string me along for ages.
I will follow halfheartedly.

I am not really phased by your state of mind.
I'm not afraid of the abyss we seem to find ourselves in.

A black hole of emptiness and fulfillment at the same time.

It's strange isn't it?
To risk anything at all.
Hoping for something more...
Or for the strength to move on from something that could have been.

The wine is all gone.
And you've left me just as empty as the bottle.

I felt our chemistry was real.
That this connection was magical in a sense.

It all came crashing down in flames.

I'm scarred from the burns.

My heart aches with sadness for the love you pretended to give.
I lay here in bed with this painful pressure upon me.
It's heavy.

Heavy like the heart I carry I suppose.

I feel used.
I feel as though every conversation has been a lie on your end.

I am vulnerable.

I showed you my weaknesses.
I showed you my strengths.

I feel high from a drug I can no longer score.
The cravings are real.
The pain is real.

But I don't know if you're real.