The definition of insanity

Is repeating
And expecting a different result
And expecting a different result
And expecting a different result this time, when you look at her, look her in the eyes.

Take her by the hand.
Tell her you're not insane.
Tell her you're not giving up.

That the willingness to fight for a different outcome is not the equivalent of the same burning embers which have scorned you.

When push came to shove, when my hands met you with such force, urging you out of my life
You refused. Your arms wrapped around me tightly, like a barricade, like a shelter from the storm. Pinning me there and holding me close.
“you can push as hard as you want but I’m not leaving. I care”
The anger fueled inside me, lingering hurt that was not yours to heal. “I hate you.”
“You don’t mean that.” I didn’t.
“I hate you.” I repeat.
You sigh. “I love you.”
Time works wonders and soon enough I couldn’t survive on anything but your touch,  needed your arms around me if only to get through the day.
“I love you.” My voice cracked. Knowing things had changed.

You were silent.
You were silent all day.
“Please tell me.” I begged.
“I’m leaving.” My heart shattered.
But you healed me. Aside from this even the anger was gone. Tears welled in my eyes yet somehow I found it in my soul to smile.
“I’m so happy for you. ”
You smiled,  too.
“I know you’re worried. I’ll never forget you.”
Somehow you did.
Time changes everything. So much noise turns to silence and at times I can’t take it. Its not the same calm I once felt from merely being by your side.
I’ve put you on a pedestal that I can no longer reach, separated by miles,  communicated by one way messages.

when I said i’d write about you for the rest of my life
I wasn’t wrong
here I am
writing about how I don’t love you anymore.
But you have left a mark on me that will never be erased.

This is an ode to you,
the greatest soul I've ever known
and my biggest heartbreak.

I stood across the room, staring.
Pale eyes translucent as they fell upon him,
Radiating like bone white knuckles
Hands dig in to palms, nails indent flesh
Reminding me that I am a ghost
Creating crescent moons
To match the way I would of done anything
To give you the stars,
or even the whole sky.
Ignoring the fact that you robbed me of the sun,
took away the light,
Replaced the warmth with a cold
That I am reminded of every time
I find myself searching for you.

i'm up thinking about you again
writing about you again
but this isn't a poem
i'm not putting you in a poem

because you see the poems
they stem from the wounds
they stem from the darkness
and that's not you, is it my dear?
because when i look at you all i want to see
are kaleidoscopes in your eyes
and the sun kissing your hair
and a reflection of the brightest smile
that has touched my lips in years

and if the heat of the summer makes this a mirage
then so be it
i don't want to write another poem
not about you

"I am alone."
The words utter from your lips
As if there were no one around to hear them
As if I were but a ghost
Transparent, transposable, translucent
A once radiating light in your gaze
Just as soon to be dulled or turned down
A roaring crimson fire ablaze
Just as soon to be suffocated or put out
Starved for oxygen in the way that I
am starved for any sense of purpose
When you tell me you are alone
As if I am simply not standing right in front of you

With this revelation
With this mile in your shoes
I find myself looking around only to realize
that I am alone too.

i am worth more.
something
(about you)
makes me feel that
i am worth more than
this body
is not a home.
sick about the way that
these veins are all open roads
vulnerable, fragile
the way that my heart feels
(about you)
i do not know
how to form the words
without them coming out
like static electricity
coursing through
never ending, it's never
(about you)
ending the way that
i want it to be
(about you)
but it's supposed to be
about me
and how i am worth more
than just... being
about you.