Oh no
This is a…never ending flow
From my heart into words
I think I’m going to die

I know I’m only doing this to myself
Wait is that true?
How much of this
Is what you’ve done to me

I don’t know why I want to blame someone
I’ve tried blaming you
But it’s not fair
You don’t and won’t speak to me

I’ve tried blaming God
But nobody wins at that game
I land on whoever I can take it out on
And it’s always going to be me

I’m alone, afraid, and dead inside
I haven’t been awake for weeks
I just want to see you
Or I want it all to end

I’m not worth loving anymore
I’m an empty shell
Sick in the head
Gone

It's been a while
Nothing new..maybe kinder smiles
Added a few bricks

Remembering how people have said they want me to feel free
I can't remember who said it
I still haven't felt it

Please, just..don't perceive me
I'm cowering in my corner of the world
Hiding from every piece of everything and everyone

How many more times do you think it will take
Before I learn
Before he introduces himself

I bruised my hand three times this week
And I don't think that holds any significance for anyone
Except for me.

I've never felt so blank in my life
I used to be a thousand colors - chaos
Now, I am an empty, white canvas
Waiting for God to paint something beautiful
Hoping for something more than me

Lord the posture of my heart
It swung, always before your eyes
You know me fully wholly without fault
Never missing a single beat
You see me

Be still
Be strong
Let your heart take courage
Wait for the Lord

Abba, only you can draw me to a place of rest and patience.
I am a mess father
Forgive me
Prone to wander
Lord I feel it

Return o my soul to your rest
The Lord has dealt bountifully with you
Lord guide, lead, pour out your mercy
Douse me with wisdom
Let my lips speak with justice

Jesus my ruler, rescuer, my brother
Thank you, lead me to faithful worship

Spirit, pray when I don’t know how
When I don’t know what to do
When I am faithless
Guide the posture of my heart
Humble me father please. I need it
I need you above all, help me to receive

Help my unbelief
Help me to desire, commit, trust
Thank you for never forsaking your saints

The righteous are ever in your care
You are faithful
When I am faithless

Make my feet as the deer
Establish my steps
As I delight in your way
Uphold my hand lord
Even as I fall
Cause my steps not to slip

Being wanted
Desired without knowing it
The depth of emotion in it
I want a Cyrano..a Duckie.
The inner workings
Of a man crumbling to pieces
At the sight of a woman he loves

That’s that **** about which I am talking.

I want to be wanted. Including my flaws.
More than words can say.
I wish I could see it in his eyes.

Kiss his face like Amélie
Need him like Nia
Devote my heart and soul to him
…like Ranita


It never was

And it never will be

Enough

I hate myself
I hate my mind
I hate how I work
I hate anxiety
I hate wheezing
I hate making myself be alone
But if I don't
My pathetic life
Becomes so obvious
And I don't want...
I couldn't take...
I can't handle...
You seeing me.

I can't shake it off
I have too much in me
Too much love
And I have nowhere
Nowhere to give it
Please God
Please let him exist
I pray for him daily
I love him already
Please love him
Please let him be gentle
Let him be understanding
Let him be kind
Let him be smarter than I
Let him be a leader
Make him a "no" man
Because we both know
I'd use a "yes" man
(On accident)
Please please please
God
Please
I beg of you
Either take these feelings
Relieve me of them
Or please...
Bring him to me
And please...
Let it be soon...
You see my heart
You see my hurt
You see all the love
You put inside me
You know me
You know how badly..
How utterly badly...
I desire this
I love you, Lord.
I love you so much.
If it be your will..
Let me love you
Through a man.

I'm just absolutely,
100%,
Pathetic.
So I'm going to curl up,
And hide.
Being strong is my weakness.
Because being real is too much,
At least for now.
But is it protection..?
Or is it just a cage I've built?

I wish I was an alchemist
Then maybe I could make myself a silver lining

Or at the very least have a sweet *** intro

Two sides, one coin
Lightswitch, on again, off again
Surrounded by decisions my own soul cannot face
Desperate to never be alone
So desperate I hate myself for it
Yearning to be okay,
Never okay
Sick to my stomach imagining myself trying to be something
Hoping there’s someone I’m allowed to follow
So little to offer because I’m too broken to love right
Terrified of being too small, while being too small to try to be bigger
I. Cannot. Do. It.

What kind of life can someone like me live?

Why force me to be alone

What are you doing to me

I don’t know if I would be able to make words come out of my mouth
You have been a rollercoaster from start to finish
Somewhere I had myself convinced you were a breeze
That you were like breathing
You weren’t
I don’t think I blame you for that
You just weren’t it for me, and I wasn’t it for you
We had it wrong babe, I don’t know how, but we had it so wrong

Father, please, rescue me
My heart cries out for respite
I’m so tired, so lonely
So empty
So tempted and weak
I don’t know what’s coming next
But I am at my lowest
I can barely stand
Abba, loving father,
Please save me
From myself
You’re the only one who can

I played with that ring every day since it was given to me
Since I accepted it

It never felt right

It didn’t make sense that I didn’t keep it glued to my skin
It felt like a lie

Is the pain manageable for you?
I’ve ignored it the last few weeks.
I don’t want to remember your name.
Don’t worry, it’s been hell for me.
I’m sure that’s fine with you…

Saying things
Just for the sake of saying things
Writing down sentences I don’t understand
New scars marking up my hands
Femininity down the drain
Tired eyes screaming in the mirror
Boy is this silence loud
Depth is a progression
I keep wanting to float
Aging is a recipe for losing yourself
Attempting to glaze over it
Ideas on a towering pedestal
The spirit rooms away locked up tight
Knowing what is needed
With no power over myself
Put freckles on my face
Just to occupy space and time
To feel different
Cyclical and inevitable
Devoid of satisfaction
Restless

It's never going to happen for me
The brokeness runs too deep
The trauma is way too much to work through
These pieces are the foundations I built myself on
And I've crumbled and I can't rebuild
And I don't want to

What am I these days?

I feel as though I am a phantom.

Walking through this life

Without a purpose, without a care

But I know that is false.

The words of the devil.

I am a daughter of His.

But I am like the prodigal son.

Eating with the pigs.

I want to feel Him.

Hear Him.

See Him.

Yet how can I allow it?

The way that I am.

I should be cast into Hell.

I chose imperfection.

Over Perfection.

Can I just change my mind?

Fall in love with Perfection?

All over again?

I hear that I can.

I feel His voice.

In the back of my head.

Answering, Yes..yes.

My darling, I miss you.

Let me hold your cares.

Let go. Be free.

Everything in me
Is angry at myself
I am totally stalled and frozen and broken
And it’s my fault

It's getting really hard to meditate
On what's good and holy
When all the songs I hear
Are filled with lyrics about doubts and fear
Like being down in the dumps
And people pleasers
I need a how to
On being meek and quiet
With a heart that identifies
With what isn't true
I wanna be loud
I want to scream
How else will I get it out of me

Heart strings snapped
Cut ties
Cut hair
Even if I like it long
Amputate the memories
To keep the parts of me
That were mine to begin with
Two lives enmeshed together
Severed
It’s been a bad breakup
I’m having a breakdown

I was very grateful for your friendship while I had it.
You took care of me, and I took care of you.
You left me hanging though.
I get it, you're busy.
But we all make time for what we believe is important.
So it's obvious where I am on your list of priorities.

I've realized that I think too much of certain people.
I raise them up higher than where they desire to be.
And thus I end up let down since they aren't interested in having that place in my life.

You were one of these such people.
I used to call it a heart connection, now I know it's foolishness.

I know you didn't mean to teach me that, but I'm grateful nonetheless.
I'm growing.
You were a part of that for a while, but now we're distant.
Thank you for that letter you wrote me, it's still encouraging to me.
Thank you for the words of affirmation you freely gave.

I miss you kid, I really hope school is going well for you and that you're growing in Christ.

-Ranita

Dude, you gotta break up with her.
She's taken over your life and you're a free spirit.
You've gone through this before and I watched as it happened,
You let these crazy girls stifle you instead of just living.
I've seen you be so much more and I hope the best for you.
We haven't even talked for almost a year now because of her.

Remember those times that we played games together?
We sipped on some wine and hugged when we were done with a round of Mario party.
You seemed free, happy, just alive.

Remember when you took me to that gated community?
We laid on the dock, talked for hours.
I was mainly a big baby and you encouraged me.
You told me stories from your life.
But again, you were free, happy, and alive.

Remember how we talked about TDCC?
We went back to work and they came on over the store radio.
I laughed to myself about it,
Then you came running over from the meat department and we laughed about it together.
You were free, happy, ALIVE.

Yeah, you've worked some ****** jobs, you've dated ****** girls,
But you are so much more.
I know not a lot of people see, but I knew from the first time we took one of our 10 minute breaks at the same time.

It's written all over your body in the form of tattoos,
It's written all over the way you treat people,
It's written all over your house,
It's written in how you play guitar,
In how you smoke cigarettes.

I want you to know,
That one time,
You bought me flowers on a day I was depressed,
You made my week.

-Ranita

You somehow had the strange ability to make me feel everything
While simultaneously making me feel like I was nothing

I'll say this, you sparked in me a love for music
Specifically Sufjan Stevens
No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross kills me
"**** me I'm falling apart"

"Here's a coin, call someone who cares"
If you ever called, I would have cared
I wouldn't have ever stooped that low

I don't miss you and some days I hate you
I hope your life is everything you wished
I know you've been searching for something more, same as me

-Ranita

_
I’m so pleased that you avoided me like the plague.
I probably just scared you by telling you I broke down.
Either way, still pleased.
_
You broke me so hard and I’ve never recovered.
You never looked back.
I would have done anything for you.
I still love you, I would still forgive you, but I know you’ll never come back.
_
You gave me a picture of New York.
What did you want me to do with it?
What you wrote, tore me up.
I don’t want you.
_
All of the things I’ve said.
Let me go, let me grow, let me be. Don’t come back. I can’t breathe. I’m too scared. I’m not good. I’m not enough. I’m not fighting for you, don’t fight for me.
It’s so painfully evident to me,
That you need this even more than I do.

Have I ****** this whole thing up by having feelings?
Are you done with me?
The complete role reversal here is painful
At least I communicated what was happening to you when I ran away
Am I that intimidating?
All I wanted was to be sweet
I miss your arms
I miss your head on my chest
I’m so lost and confused
You made me want that chance with you
You made me so happy
And now I’m at this low that I didn’t anticipate experiencing anytime soon
My heart is so tired of hurting
The quiet nights are eating me alive

It's on nights like these that I remember every romantic gesture from people I loved
The smallest of things
The shortest of looks
The sweetest of kisses
It's on nights like these that I realize
How much it haunts me in the deep recesses of my mind
And in the deepest reaches of my heart
I can't take it back
But oh God, I wish I could

This is all that I am
There’s nothing else there
****

All these thoughts swirling in my head
About what to do, who to be
I've never experienced shutting down
Then waking up for the first time
The control that I had, totally gone
And now I'm completely free
Because the structure is missing
And the thoughts are the same
My mind's interpretations are new

Everything that’s ever happened to me or that I’ve done wasn’t important
It was just something to live through

Few will know these things and fewer still will understand what this is to me in this moment of tonight.
But I really don't care because what I feel right now is real and I haven't felt the feeling of real in a while.
Today is my birthday. I'm older now. Wiser? Maybe, maybe not. I definitely went through enough when I was 18.
Now is my time to learn from it. And I'm kicking it off with a night of listening to an album I have abandoned.
Age of Adz. By Sufjan Stevens. And it's different now I think, I wasn't older yet, I wasn't wise I guess.
I want so much to be at rest. And I will fall asleep to an old friend singing of futile devices, getting real, getting right, and dear impossible souls.
And I will cry at the memories but relate it with new. Because today is a day of transition.
Because I want to be well. And I'm not ******* around.

I’m floating
Drifting
Losing my way
Again
Help

Heal my faithlessness
O God, my rock and my salvation
Keep my heart tethered to your word
Stay my mind on thoughts of you

Why is it that I feel this way?
Daydreaming isn't enough now.
I want to purge myself of this,
But I can't determine if it's possible.
My beliefs are what keep me fighting,
But whatever happened to my dreams?
I find myself afraid of me,
Who can help this weary soul?
I desire to escape this hell.
So fight I shall, to whatever end.
I'll rest my eyes for now,
Just to shut them from the blur.
Don't worry, I haven't lost hope,
I just want to sleep is all.

Wake me up before I die
What will happen to me if I sleep all my days
Change will never come without your touch
Your fingertips and your sweet embrace
Come to me darling
Let me feather my fingers in your hair

I'd write you a cute little note but today most likely isn't that day.
I feel smaller than a grain of grass that I pick at while we talk on the phone.
My heart is like an eggshell, squeeze because you love me and I may even crack from that.
I'm lonelier than I thought and I know not even a commitment would "fix" it.
(not saying it wouldn't help)
My mind isn't sharp, it's clouded with the many toxic thoughts it has moment by moment.
There are no breaks
There are no bonuses
Do not pass go
Do not collect 200 dollars.

I'm scared
I'll rush myself
I'm happy
You enjoy yourself
I'm terrified
I'll ruin us
You're laughing
When I cuss
So embarassed
I'll hide my face
We're refreshed
It's a decent pace

You showed up out of nowhere
I hope I don't hope too much
My heart a fragile vase
Your patience the flowers

I'll wait on the sidelines
Watching you shoot- score!
Points for your side
Honestly, you're winning

My fight or flight responds
But why would I run from you
Your heart tender and sweet
All you do is draw me in

Whatever this is
Whoever you are
To me, this feels like grace
It's scary
But when
Am I ever
Not scared
And when
Will
Hypotheticals
Become
Reality

Sin.
I will not be rid of it till I reach eternity.
The flesh sickens me,
But I cling to it, in hopes that it will satisfy.
Truth isn't fleeting,
It's a rock to hold on to.
So to be sober-minded...
It's not that easy.
One split second of my weakness,
My heart crumbles to the ground.
I feel as if I must build and build,
But I tear down every brick.

My heart was tethered to the idea
Of following my brother's footsteps
Learning about his life
By experiencing what he did

The Lord made it painfully clear
I was to go to Brazil
I wanted to go to Brazil
I wanted to serve

My brother had a heart for the lost
He had a heart for the broken
He wanted to do everything he could
To care for others

He was the most selfless person I knew
And I am the most selfish
Fearful of myself
Fearful of extending

So..why am I not in Brazil right now?

Because my father said not yet
Because my heart said not yet
Because my circumstances said not yet
Because God said not yet

And every single solitary day that goes by
It's made more and more evident
So outrageously and abundantly clear
Why not yet

Throughout my life
I've been able to get over people
To get over things
But I can't get over myself

Who am I
To be in the way of the Lord's plan
But who am I
That he would use me

The darkness has made its home
In all of the innermost crevasses of my heart
And I know so resolutely
That I cannot serve like this

I've made the changes before
But it feels so different this time
Like there's superglue
Keeping these ***** clothes on me

I think I've conditioned myself
To believe that I will never change again
And I can't tell you how terrifying it is
To be the cage and the prisoner

It’s really easy to romanticize the small memories
Reminiscing
Imagining that they were so sweet
But looking at the messages, the voicemails, the myriad of pictures and videos

There’s the taste of something missing

I watch myself and I see it

Maybe it does all make sense

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, the most pain, the most shame, the most fear.
I’ve lost any identity that I had built up inside myself and projected outwardly
I know it’s time to rebuild myself, to change it all and to be new
I can’t be what I was, there’s no going back or trying it again.
I never anticipated things being what they are, I never understood the gravity of what I was doing and how little I understood what leaving everything behind meant.

I never thought, that I would hear the bitterness in his voice, aimed at me.
I could picture his face, I know how he looks when he talks about people like that.

His kind eyes evaporated

But it doesn’t change my future, he doesn’t have to be kind to me ever again, that’s his right.
I still have to morph to my new reality, I still have to be something more, with him, or without him.
And not for him.
And not because he is bitter towards me.

For God I guess.
Because it’s all him anyway, it’s nothing that is good in me, it’s only the good in him that can drive me

I just can’t lose it this time…not again

I probably don’t make any sense

I am sick of feeling this
Helplessness
Loneliness
Utter unhappiness

No one could ever know me
God
Stop giving me hope
I don't want it anymore

Am I morphing or am I pretending?

I have no friends and no patience to make it happen when there is no progress so far. Plus what’s the use if they ditch me from lack of caring about me.

If this doesn’t work, I’ll be as hopeless as Jeff. With no options left but to live with myself the way I am for the rest of my life.

I am. Crazy. And there is no end. It lasts forever. Trapped in my internal mindscape.

If you loved me like you said you do, then why do you make me do all of the work you lazy *** ****. You don’t love me. You’re saying whatever you can to get what you want. I just wish it hadn’t worked. And ******* for telling me to shut up. You put me in this position.

Everything that has ever happened to me is my fault.

Dad, I love you but if you don’t stop talking to me like I’m 16 I’m going to burst into flames from how infuriated I am. I’ve asked you so many times now to take me seriously. Ps. Saying I love you in such cheap ways doesn’t make me feel loved. You’re saying it like it’s your job and not like it’s real. I’d honestly rather you left me alone.

If I am, I’ll do it, and I will never tell anyone ever. I would live with it alone. I would hide it for the rest of my life.

In the greenest meadow,
With the clearest stream,
And the bluest sky,
There lived a lion.
His mane golden and his teeth white.
He had not yet tasted the flesh of deer.
On the other side of the meadow,
There lived a doe.
Her fur was a silken brown.
She knew not of lions.
The lion saw the doe, and was in awe.
She was clean, she was beautiful.
He wanted a taste.
He spoke to her in low, calming tones.
Speaking to her lovely lies.
He said he craved a taste of her flesh.
She fell for the lion.
The doe wanted to please the lion.
She offered him a taste.
So he tasted.
But the lion couldn't control his hunger.
He tore at her flesh.
Wounding the deer.
The green grass turned red.
The sky grew dark.
When he had enough, he got up.
He looked at her.
He growled, he hissed, he walked away.
He wanted no blame for his own doing.
The doe nursed her wounds.
And the water turned red.
She grew strong again.
Washed clean by the stream.
The grass green again.
The sky blue.
But her scars remained.
The silken fur turned ragged.
The doe had a friend.
One with much shinier fur.
One more beautiful than she had been.
One that was unable to stand on her own.
Her friend was weak.
Weary from running.
She also did not know of lions.
The doe told her of the lion.
Showed her the scars.
Her friend saw, and hated the lion.
Or so she said.
The sky grew dark again.
The lion came back.
His mane with deep red in it.
His teeth bloodstained.
The doe was wary.
The doe knew he was flesh-hungry.
Her scars ached.
And she knew.
Her friend was in danger.

I can finally be true to myself again
There are things I value so much
Things I really wanted for myself
That I wouldn't have had

There is some relief, some respite
Some amount of joy..
I can breathe some..
I didn't make a bigger mistake

And I know I have you to thank
I was severely clouded
Wrote about it for months
But couldn't see till you showed me

Thank you for the evidence needed
Thank you for the clarity of thought
Thank you for saving me
From myself

If forever is what it'll take,
Can you really wait that long?
You already have perfection,
So why does this mean so much?
I know what you want.
I know what's in your heart.
You love so much.
You hate so much too.
I can't give you this,
Not till you grow up,
Till you give up your hate.
And that's up to you.

Your mercies are new every morning.
Your spirit drawing me toward you always.
It’s always new. Changing my heart.
Sanctification is a process.
It is such a joy to have your glorious grace transform me.
I know who I truly am, I truly do have a chance.
And it’s all for the benefit of the gospel.
So yes, everything is new.

I still love you
But I don’t think I really knew you
Can my heart stop this please