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Ranita Nov 2019
I hate him so much
I miss the way he treated me
I miss his friendship and how he made me laugh
I miss him taking care of me in every aspect
I miss the car rides we took listening to amazing music
My brother killed himself May 2014.
Makes sense that I would mix missing him and hating him in the same poem.
Ranita Jul 2021
Or I’ll be crushed

Please stop
Ranita Mar 2013
9:00pm: We hugged and chatted. Your sister joking with us, your brothers being silly. I love your siblings.

9:30pm: We went hunting for gear. Your dad helped us find sleeping mats and told us where to find some tarps.

10:00pm: We climbed onto the fort and made our beds. I swept the bugs and pine needles away. I remember thinking, I hate pine needles. Why Florida trees, why?

10:30pm: We made tea and got ready for bed. I love chamomile tea. Lots of sugar. Washing off my makeup was easy with your sister's fancy face wipes.

10:45pm: We climbed into our sleeping bags. I was warm. I love the plaid pattern of the sleeping bag I always use.

11:00pm: We ate snacks, drank tea, and talked. Poptarts are so good late at night. Better than in the morning. And the hot tea felt so good against the chilling breezes.

11:30pm: I turned off the flashlights. I liked it better that way. I like hearing only voices, not seeing the person. My hearing what they say feels amplified that way.

11:30pm: I laid on my back and realized how pretty the trees are. The sky was orange, oddly lit up more than normal for that time of night. Few clouds drifted in the sky.

12:00am: I poured the story out to you.

12:05am: I began watching the moon cross the sky. It was very orange and it moved faster than I imagined it would.

12:30am: I got a text.

1:00am: I proposed an adventure. I wanted to do something. I wanted not to have to think for a while. I like late night happenings. And I like not being alone.

1:15am: We got off our lazy butts and went to the garage. I started riding the ripstick. I picked it up right away and didn't fall which was new for me.

1:30am: You taught me how to longboard. It was fun, though I kept forgetting which way I would put my feet.

1:45am: We started riding bikes. I love your mom's bike. It's so smooth and easy to ride..but it clicks sometimes in weird ways. I liked the clicking too.

1:50am: ***** it, I didn't want to reply.

2:00am: We rode through the neighborhood. I love the houses in Naples..

2:05am: I fell in love with the night sky. It was beginning to look more like the normal dark blue rather than orange. The stars started to peek through better.

2:10am: The cold air made my blood rush. I was wearing such warm clothes, but the wind went straight through. I loved going fast, racing you. Speed is beautiful on a bike.

2:15am: I never wanted the night to end. I wanted to ride late at night forever.

2:35am: The silence was so beautiful. We would be quiet for short bits. I liked the pictures my mind created during that time.

2:40am: I wished I had his time stopping watch. I always wish I did.

2:45am: We started the ride home. My breathing got pretty rough. Cold air always hurts my lungs. But it was so worth it.

3:00am: We put the bikes away and crawled back into bed. I loved the fort so much..

3:10am: You fell asleep.

3:15am: The moon was higher in the sky. It was clear and white and full.  I could see it perfectly. Peeking through the trees. I fell asleep slowly. Loved it all.
Sleepover at a friend's house. That night was lovely. The next day was beautiful as well.
Florida weather has its perks.
Ranita Feb 2022
Ripping soul from flesh
Throat through my neck
**** my voice and stop dreaming about control
Heart on my sleeve and on my shirt
Holding it in all day but it's a lie
Sleeping when I'm awake
Dreaming of a better time better place more rhymes
Songs stuck in my soul
Hurting me more and more

Who will I be when I wake myself up
Who can I be if anything at all
T-pose for the haters
**** I hate myself
Close my eyes in the wind and breathe
Ranita Nov 2019
Tick tock
Grandfather clock
Swinging in time
With
The beat of my heart
Time flies
When I feel loved
Wishing for
The swinging to stop
To match- oh..
The skips
Of my heart
Tick-...
Ugh
Why won’t it swing?
Waiting for
The hand to bring
The end
Of my madness
Waiting for
My heart
To stop
Beating
A little darker than what I meant to write but heck this turned out cooler sounding than what I thought.
High five me bro
100th poem, several years in the process.
Proud of myself
Ranita Nov 2019
I was doomed from the beginning
Living by my examples
Of misplaced trust and expectations
Leading to massive let down
Time and time again
It’s like I don’t know what happiness is without someone telling me everything’s alright
I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like being my own cage inside of my mind
Codependency is my thorn in my side
May my weakness show the power of Christ
Ranita Jan 2019
It’s as if misery is a drug to me.
It’s like I need it to exist.
One outlet leaves me,
And I fill it with another.
Anything to keep me in this state.
Ranita Dec 2014
I don't understand
I don't understand
I don't understand
Am I loved?
Or am I alone?
Ranita Nov 2013
Sometimes you need the cold
Just to feel warmth again..
To feel alive.
Ranita Nov 2013
I am broken
Unsure how to run correctly.
And in the words of Forrest Gump,
"That's all I have to say about that."
Ranita Feb 2013
I could be in the most idyllic situations,
I could have my best friend listening closely,
But all that's on my mind,
Will never leave my mouth.

I could cry all the frustration out,
I could cry all the energy from my body,
But no one would ever know,
What's really in my head.

I could fight it,
I could give up,
But I'm stuck,
For a little longer.

Then there is...
Freedom.
Ranita Aug 2021
I’m not gonna make it
Ranita Jun 2022
Episode 2 season 4
But the stranger thing here is that I’m drunk on my floor staring at my closet mirror.
You abandoned me
After I gave you my all
And you don’t give a ****
And I’m dead inside

I keep checking my drunk texts
But apparently even uninhibited me refuses to contact you
Out of fear
And sadness
And shame
Ranita May 2020
My insides are ripping me to shreds
Starting with my mind ending with my hunger
I so very deeply want more that I can’t stop
I’m not like you Jeff
I may feel just as hopeless but I think because you followed through I can’t follow you

What do I do on the days that I believe I can’t be your girlfriend?
On the days when I want to ask, “Can you dream a little smaller?”
What do I do when I believe I’ll only hold you back from what is good?
All I want is good
How can I ever ask someone to shoot for less
How can I ever dream that it’s okay to be with me
Because
It’s not
So what do I do

What do I do on the day when you confirm all of this
When you see it and agree
Ranita Oct 2021
Get it out of yourself
Or you’re going to die
From holding it in
From holding back

I am miserable

I’m not ready for what’s coming
Ranita Sep 2019
I don't feel enough anymore
That's rich coming from me
I feel too much but it's the wrong things
I don't feel what's important
Instead I forget so quickly
I choose to forget instead of deal with what's in front of me
I'm miserable because of things I do to myself
And because of things I choose not to do
This isn't even satisfying, I'm restless
Ranita Jun 2020
Why would I ever think or act like asking is so hard
When in reality the hardest part is not asking
At all
Ranita Apr 2013
I am not perfect
I love, I hate
I help, I cry
And now
I
Feel
Nothing
Ranita Jan 2020
Somehow I'm not surprised
He takes it all in stride
Finding safety, I turn to
His patience; a virtue
Enveloped in a feeling of grace
Holding back, giving me space
Waiting - saying it's no harm
Comfortable enough
Almost sleeping on his arm
-Or on the phone-
"Hey cutie"
Why does he say that
Making me melt
At the drop of a hat

I forgot that it's okay
He already knows anyway
That I'm a human; a mess
And so is he
Like a Charlie Brown
Christmas tree
Ranita Jan 2020
You are so good to me
You handle all my ebbs and flows
Vibes and lows

All I hear
Is, “It’s okay”
“Hey”
Ranita Mar 2022
You’ve had the upper hand the whole time
I’m about to backhand your face
Reach out to me for goodness sake
Hands folded, begging for relief
Ranita Nov 2021
I’m sure you would say I’m thinking too poorly of you
But aren’t you doing the same?
Wasn’t that our shtick when we were fighting?
I keep trying to convince myself that you aren’t so cruel
And that you wouldn’t think so low of me
That somewhere inside of you you would remember how sweet I was
But then I have what I think of you since you left my heart
And it’s not a pretty picture
Ranita Oct 2014
How can you accept me
As I am..me..
Being the laziest person ever
Laziness produces anxiety
And then my lungs give out on me
Barely breathing the air you gave me
What kind of life is that?
So wrapped up in breathing
Can I just forget it please?
And just...
Live...
Ranita Mar 2017
The only times I'm not alone are when my heart and mind are both dwelling on the things of the Lord
I've spent the large majority of my life shutting off my mind so my heart won't feel
To avoid fear and being overwhelmed by it emotionally
The hardest part is forcing myself to think through all of it
To turn on my mind so the emotion can wash over me
(All my flesh wants is to sleep and drink alcohol, to not think and to not feel)
The things that would help solve my problems are the stark opposite of my fleshly desires and habits
So...to address where my heart is..
The things I want, I want for the wrong reasons
My heart is too easily swayed by being denied those things
In the end, I don't know what it is that I truly want or really even need
I feel empty
I guess that's kinda the point though
Being brought to the end of myself so the Lord can fill me
P.s. I'm exhausted
Ranita Jan 2020
Bruh, you're hella cute
I'm super into you
Did you know that?
Hope you're ready for this trainwreck
Because shoot boy,
I'm hoping I don't destroy you
I'm just waiting for the day
When I do phase you
Ranita Dec 2023
Hazy reminiscing
We were kissing
Something missing
I can't remember
What it
Feels like

Any

More

It was just a dream
But here's the thing
I'm pretty sure
That I will die
Without a man
Calling me pretty

Late

At night
I wish this was a song.
Ranita Aug 2019
Will I ever find rest
Will my heart find respite
Can I go to sleep without stress in my head
Will I find joy soon
Will I ever find peace
Will I find comfort in another’s arms or confidence at least
Will I ever be fine
Will I ever be truly happy
Will I get married and have children who are proud to call me mom
Ranita Sep 2014
I wish for his hand
To brush my hair
Softly
Sweetly
Slowly
Strong hands that know
Tenderness

I wish for a true love
The deepest love possible
Where I ask him
What he is thinking of
And he answers
"I'm thinking of you"
Where I can see his eyes
Softening at the sight
Of me

I wish he would see me
All of his walls come down
Instantly
Distractions disappearing
In a crowded room
He only sees me

I wish for him
To chase after me
Not that I would run
That he would be afraid
I would

I wish for his love
His deep
Jealous
Unrelenting
Love

I wish
I could hold him
In the silent nights
When his mind
Is anything but
Silent

I wish
He would look at me
With tormented eyes
And as I touch his face
Softly
Sweetly
Slowly
They would
Soften at the sight
Of me
I want someone I can read. Someone I can know. I want to be able to help them instead of feeling tormented myself over not knowing what they're thinking.
Ranita Dec 2023
Paint the clouds red
I’ll enjoy the drive
Hair trapped in my glasses
Pretending you’re with me
Tendrils of thought
Escaping my grasp
I fixed my car
The music is blaring
Hold my hand
Nobody cares
Grinning ear to ear
Quietly existing
Ranita Apr 2022
My heart isn’t worth anything anymore
I wasn’t enough of a reason
And I’m just a side piece
I’ll settle for anything that makes me feel better
Alive

Is it worth it?
Ranita Sep 2012
Behind the youth room, sitting on the pavement, I think of past times.
I sit quietly and submerse my mind in the memories…
And I wonder, if I leave, will I ever come back and do this again? Feel the sweet nostalgia?
Will I tell my kids about these memories?
Will I tell them about the ones that haunt me as well? The ones I wish I could forget?
I think I will. I wish my parents had emphasized on the horrific things those memories do to you.
Weeds overrun Ashleigh’s and my old meeting place.
Our drainage grate where we told secrets have been overtaken by bushes.
“My chest hurts a lot today.” “And when I look back, I see you waving”
-Grizzly Bear, Fix it
Ranita Nov 2012
Hello again, my old friend.
You always had a horrible memory.
So you probably can't remember,
But we used to go to the beach.
You used to call.
I used to laugh.
Even at your lame jokes.
We used to be friends.
But you left me,
One year ago today.
How did it come to this?
How did we become strangers?
So soon, so fast.
I see old pictures,
I see new ones,
I see your face.
You've hardly changed.
I remember those days.
And then there's you,
And you always had a horrible memory.

Hello, I miss you, I love you, Goodbye.
Ranita Oct 2021
In the quiet moments
When I’m alone
And I’m hurting
Wanting comfort
Only your name
Your name
Is what my mind says to me
I hear it
And it hurts even more

— The End —