_
I’m so pleased that you avoided me like the plague.
I probably just scared you by telling you I broke down.
Either way, still pleased.
_
You broke me so hard and I’ve never recovered.
You never looked back.
I would have done anything for you.
I still love you, I would still forgive you, but I know you’ll never come back.
_
You gave me a picture of New York.
What did you want me to do with it?
What you wrote, tore me up.
I don’t want you.
_
All of the things I’ve said.
Let me go, let me grow, let me be. Don’t come back. I can’t breathe. I’m too scared. I’m not good. I’m not enough. I’m not fighting for you, don’t fight for me.
It’s so painfully evident to me,
That you need this even more than I do.

I don't feel enough anymore
That's rich coming from me
I feel too much but it's the wrong things
I don't feel what's important
Instead I forget so quickly
I choose to forget instead of deal with what's in front of me
I'm miserable because of things I do to myself
And because of things I choose not to do
This isn't even satisfying, I'm restless

Will I ever find rest
Will my heart find respite
Can I go to sleep without stress in my head
Will I find joy soon
Will I ever find peace
Will I find comfort in another’s arms or confidence at least
Will I ever be fine
Will I ever be truly happy
Will I get married and have children who are proud to call me mom

It doesn’t matter if I’m right
My emotions will take over
I’ll seem crazy
It doesn’t matter if I’m right
He’ll only see the world through
His rosy lenses
It doesn’t matter if he’s wrong
I feel the way I feel
And it’s too late for me to heal
It doesn’t matter if he’s wrong
He’ll never change
Even though he claims to care
It doesn’t matter if we try
We just won’t work out
Our hearts are too far away
It doesn’t matter if we try
I don’t want him
Even though I like to pretend

You used to be about my ****
But recently you’ve been a ****
I don’t know what I’ve done wrong in this
Somewhere along the lines I missed

Out on what you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

I don’t know how to pretend
When we can’t even be friends
I know it’s what you want but I
Only want to see your face at night

(Oh why did I let go of)
What you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

Too far in to take it back now
I wanted to make this work out
But your heart’s so far away
How can you just give

Up on what you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

How do I let this all slide
I just want you by my side
And now I know you want to leave
I really can’t believe

(You gave)
Up on what I offered you
Is my love not enough for you
I know I’m a jealous *****
But I just can’t see past your ****
Oh what am I supposed to do
When all I want is all of you

Am I morphing or am I pretending?

I have no friends and no patience to make it happen when there is no progress so far. Plus what’s the use if they ditch me from lack of caring about me.

If this doesn’t work, I’ll be as hopeless as Jeff. With no options left but to live with myself the way I am for the rest of my life.

I am. Crazy. And there is no end. It lasts forever. Trapped in my internal mindscape.

If you loved me like you said you do, then why do you make me do all of the work you lazy *** ****. You don’t love me. You’re saying whatever you can to get what you want. I just wish it hadn’t worked. And ******* for telling me to shut up. You put me in this position.

Everything that has ever happened to me is my fault.

Dad, I love you but if you don’t stop talking to me like I’m 16 I’m going to burst into flames from how infuriated I am. I’ve asked you so many times now to take me seriously. Ps. Saying I love you in such cheap ways doesn’t make me feel loved. You’re saying it like it’s your job and not like it’s real. I’d honestly rather you left me alone.

If I am, I’ll do it, and I will never tell anyone ever. I would live with it alone. I would hide it for the rest of my life.

It’s as if misery is a drug to me.
It’s like I need it to exist.
One outlet leaves me,
And I fill it with another.
Anything to keep me in this state.

I'm learning to move on
past myself in my idiocy.
I'm learning to let go
of all I once loved.
I truly want to see who I really am,
but in the mirror there is no one staring back at me.
The emptiness, it drives me to fill it,
keeps me moving, breathing, thinking, believing.
There must be purpose for my soul
"There must be one to love me"
Maybe that's what it's been,
maybe its been me.
Must I learn to love myself how I am?
Empty, intelligent, depressed, blessed, terrified, self-aware.
Realizing that there is no one to prove myself to,
but me.
Maybe this, maybe this is my field of wildflowers.

Everyone grows up at some point.
Every journey is different.
Mine was discovering the difference between living black and white
and living grey.
I used to believe everything had a clear answer, a straightforward method of communicating
but in reality, it’s not so transparent.
In my desire for simplicity I created a much more complicated world.
Now I desire to accept life in its complexities so I can move forward with no pressure to know the answers.
To be at peace with everyone..
To be at peace with myself,
by saying hey,
maybe I dont know,
but maybe thats okay.

I’m floating
Drifting
Losing my way
Again
Help

Heal my faithlessness
O God, my rock and my salvation
Keep my heart tethered to your word
Stay my mind on thoughts of you

Your mercies are new every morning.
Your spirit drawing me toward you always.
It’s always new. Changing my heart.
Sanctification is a process.
It is such a joy to have your glorious grace transform me.
I know who I truly am, I truly do have a chance.
And it’s all for the benefit of the gospel.
So yes, everything is new.

Whatever has happened this year
It doesn’t feel different
I time travelled to 2014
My heart is the same

Father, please, rescue me
My heart cries out for respite
I’m so tired, so lonely
So empty
So tempted and weak
I don’t know what’s coming next
But I am at my lowest
I can barely stand
Abba, loving father,
Please save me
From myself
You’re the only one who can

Sin.
I will not be rid of it till I reach eternity.
The flesh sickens me,
But I cling to it, in hopes that it will satisfy.
Truth isn't fleeting,
It's a rock to hold on to.
So to be sober-minded...
It's not that easy.
One split second of my weakness,
My heart crumbles to the ground.
I feel as if I must build and build,
But I tear down every brick.

“What’d I do
To deserve this
Now
How did this happen?”

When did I drop
From the ecstasy of heaven
To the pits of hell
I fought so hard
You know that right?
I made my heart ice
I caged myself to stay safe
And I caved
Because I hated it
Being alone
Look where I am
It’s no field of wildflowers
It’s all a ruin
Of my own making
Me
I did this
Me
Little insignificant
Me
I wanted so much more
I sought it out
And I destroyed myself
And everyone I love too
The cage was better
So much better
So safe

My heart was tethered to the idea
Of following my brother's footsteps
Learning about his life
By experiencing what he did

The Lord made it painfully clear
I was to go to Brazil
I wanted to go to Brazil
I wanted to serve

My brother had a heart for the lost
He had a heart for the broken
He wanted to do everything he could
To care for others

He was the most selfless person I knew
And I am the most selfish
Fearful of myself
Fearful of extending

So..why am I not in Brazil right now?

Because my father said not yet
Because my heart said not yet
Because my circumstances said not yet
Because God said not yet

And every single solitary day that goes by
It's made more and more evident
So outrageously and abundantly clear
Why not yet

Throughout my life
I've been able to get over people
To get over things
But I can't get over myself

Who am I
To be in the way of the Lord's plan
But who am I
That he would use me

The darkness has made its home
In all of the innermost crevasses of my heart
And I know so resolutely
That I cannot serve like this

I've made the changes before
But it feels so different this time
Like there's superglue
Keeping these ***** clothes on me

I think I've conditioned myself
To believe that I will never change again
And I can't tell you how terrifying it is
To be the cage and the prisoner

When I sit down to write
500285 thoughts roll through my head
The decision of what topic to write on
Is the most difficult to make
I find myself downsizing on each "poem"
Trying to get to the core of what I'm trying to say
But I find that I miss saying other things I want to say
So
A series
Called Specifics
I want to describe more things in greater detail
So as to get the emotions out as clean as possible
Thank you for your time

Why is it that I feel this way?
Daydreaming isn't enough now.
I want to purge myself of this,
But I can't determine if it's possible.
My beliefs are what keep me fighting,
But whatever happened to my dreams?
I find myself afraid of me,
Who can help this weary soul?
I desire to escape this hell.
So fight I shall, to whatever end.
I'll rest my eyes for now,
Just to shut them from the blur.
Don't worry, I haven't lost hope,
I just want to sleep is all.

It's on nights like these that I remember every romantic gesture from people I loved
The smallest of things
The shortest of looks
The sweetest of kisses
It's on nights like these that I realize
How much it haunts me in the deep recesses of my mind
And in the deepest reaches of my heart
I can't take it back
But oh God, I wish I could

The only times I'm not alone are when my heart and mind are both dwelling on the things of the Lord
I've spent the large majority of my life shutting off my mind so my heart won't feel
To avoid fear and being overwhelmed by it emotionally
The hardest part is forcing myself to think through all of it
To turn on my mind so the emotion can wash over me
(All my flesh wants is to sleep and drink alcohol, to not think and to not feel)
The things that would help solve my problems are the stark opposite of my fleshly desires and habits
So...to address where my heart is..
The things I want, I want for the wrong reasons
My heart is too easily swayed by being denied those things
In the end, I don't know what it is that I truly want or really even need
I feel empty
I guess that's kinda the point though
Being brought to the end of myself so the Lord can fill me

I was very grateful for your friendship while I had it.
You took care of me, and I took care of you.
You left me hanging though.
I get it, you're busy.
But we all make time for what we believe is important.
So it's obvious where I am on your list of priorities.

I've realized that I think too much of certain people.
I raise them up higher than where they desire to be.
And thus I end up let down since they aren't interested in having that place in my life.

You were one of these such people.
I used to call it a heart connection, now I know it's foolishness.

I know you didn't mean to teach me that, but I'm grateful nonetheless.
I'm growing.
You were a part of that for a while, but now we're distant.
Thank you for that letter you wrote me, it's still encouraging to me.
Thank you for the words of affirmation you freely gave.

I miss you kid, I really hope school is going well for you and that you're growing in Christ.

-Ranita

Dude, you gotta break up with her.
She's taken over your life and you're a free spirit.
You've gone through this before and I watched as it happened,
You let these crazy girls stifle you instead of just living.
I've seen you be so much more and I hope the best for you.
We haven't even talked for almost a year now because of her.

Remember those times that we played games together?
We sipped on some wine and hugged when we were done with a round of Mario party.
You seemed free, happy, just alive.

Remember when you took me to that gated community?
We laid on the dock, talked for hours.
I was mainly a big baby and you encouraged me.
You told me stories from your life.
But again, you were free, happy, and alive.

Remember how we talked about TDCC?
We went back to work and they came on over the store radio.
I laughed to myself about it,
Then you came running over from the meat department and we laughed about it together.
You were free, happy, ALIVE.

Yeah, you've worked some ****** jobs, you've dated ****** girls,
But you are so much more.
I know not a lot of people see, but I knew from the first time we took one of our 10 minute breaks at the same time.

It's written all over your body in the form of tattoos,
It's written all over the way you treat people,
It's written all over your house,
It's written in how you play guitar,
In how you smoke cigarettes.

I want you to know,
That one time,
You bought me flowers on a day I was depressed,
You made my week.

-Ranita

You somehow had the strange ability to make me feel everything
While simultaneously making me feel like I was nothing

I'll say this, you sparked in me a love for music
Specifically Sufjan Stevens
No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross kills me
"**** me I'm falling apart"

"Here's a coin, call someone who cares"
If you ever called, I would have cared
I wouldn't have ever stooped that low

I don't miss you and some days I hate you
I hope your life is everything you wished
I know you've been searching for something more, same as me

-Ranita

How does one escape the hell called love?
The sweet soft gentle movement of hands
The burning beating fast nervousness
The silent whispers of obvious affection
The realizations slammed in your face
The searing white hot streaming tears
The late night screaming heart pains
The endless questions of hopeless loss

My thoughts have nostalgia and fear of the future fused together
And I've found that the only way to get over both
Is to grow deep into God's word, falling in love with him
So I can grow up and be who he wants me to be
Free
In his beauty

Could I please forget about times past
I live there everyday
The sickness in my soul wells up
Until I cannot hold it anymore
I want to move to a better place
But I'm afraid of risking my heart
These things too valuable to give up
Yet much too difficult to give in
I'm a sensitive being
When I truly think it through
I just want to experience life
Sinking into someone's thoughts
Is it so hard to believe
That someone could love me
I swear (I swear)
I may bark but I will never bite

I am sick of feeling this
Helplessness
Loneliness
Utter unhappiness

No one could ever know me
God
Stop giving me hope
I don't want it anymore

I just want you to kiss my cheek and hug me one more time when you're wearing my favorite cologne of yours.

Why are the memories of that day and week etched into my brain?

Your house was colder than ever and you always had the AC on high.

I try to only think about orchids, Star Wars, and fish, but I mainly remember drugs, alcohol, and guns.

All I can tell myself to stay sane,
Is that the moment will pass. It will end.
It will be okay.

It just really ***** dude
How all I want
Is a brother
A guy to listen to me
I had the perfect brother
He's been gone
Only a year
And it gets worse
Every single day

If forever is what it'll take,
Can you really wait that long?
You already have perfection,
So why does this mean so much?
I know what you want.
I know what's in your heart.
You love so much.
You hate so much too.
I can't give you this,
Not till you grow up,
Till you give up your hate.
And that's up to you.

My sweetest brother.
You always took care of me.
You saw me struggle through my teenage years.
I fought so hard to be a part of the family.
And you reached out to me.
You loved me unconditionally.
You took me out to dinner and gave me gifts.
You always complimented me.
You always opened doors for me.
Nothing less than a gentleman.
You taught me what a man should be.
We laughed so much.
We cried so much.
And you always made everything better.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your eyes..
With the one brown spot in the middle of the green.
I miss how your voice sounded.
I miss you speaking Portuguese.
I miss your arm around me.
But I miss your laugh the most.
Especially when you would laugh at my jokes.
They deserved groans, but you rewarded me with joy.
I love you.

All these thoughts swirling in my head
About what to do, who to be
I've never experienced shutting down
Then waking up for the first time
The control that I had, totally gone
And now I'm completely free
Because the structure is missing
And the thoughts are the same
My mind's interpretations are new

I've never felt so blank in my life
I used to be a thousand colors - chaos
Now, I am an empty, white canvas
Waiting for God to paint something beautiful
Hoping for something more than me

Hiding in my mind is the easiest
Reality hurts too much
Holding someone can help
But I'm not looking for temporary fixes
Love is the hardest thing to feel
I never know if I'm permitting it
Besides, nobody ever feels it with me
Being alone is all that makes sense
I doubt I'll ever fall in love
But either way, I'll be fine

All that is left in me,
All I can ask,
Is, "Why?"

I don't understand
I don't understand
I don't understand
Am I loved?
Or am I alone?

I wanted to write pretty things
I thought I would be inspired
But I'm broken instead

Can we just discuss how unattractive I am?
Insecurities **** my good qualities.
I have a lot of love in me.
But that doesn't matter if I get scared.
And I am scared.
Constantly.
That everyone will leave.
And I'm so so sorry.
Everyone, I'm just sorry...

I hate myself
I hate my mind
I hate how I work
I hate anxiety
I hate wheezing
I hate making myself be alone
But if I don't
My pathetic life
Becomes so obvious
And I don't want...
I couldn't take...
I can't handle...
You seeing me.

How can you accept me
As I am..me..
Being the laziest person ever
Laziness produces anxiety
And then my lungs give out on me
Barely breathing the air you gave me
What kind of life is that?
So wrapped up in breathing
Can I just forget it please?
And just...
Live...

I can't shake it off
I have too much in me
Too much love
And I have nowhere
Nowhere to give it
Please God
Please let him exist
I pray for him daily
I love him already
Please love him
Please let him be gentle
Let him be understanding
Let him be kind
Let him be smarter than I
Let him be a leader
Make him a "no" man
Because we both know
I'd use a "yes" man
(On accident)
Please please please
God
Please
I beg of you
Either take these feelings
Relieve me of them
Or please...
Bring him to me
And please...
Let it be soon...
You see my heart
You see my hurt
You see all the love
You put inside me
You know me
You know how badly..
How utterly badly...
I desire this
I love you, Lord.
I love you so much.
If it be your will..
Let me love you
Through a man.

I'm just absolutely,
100%,
Pathetic.
So I'm going to curl up,
And hide.
Being strong is my weakness.
Because being real is too much,
At least for now.
But is it protection..?
Or is it just a cage I've built?

Come on Rain,
You know better.
You're being played,
Like a fiddle.
And it's
Your
Own
Fault.

Jumbled mess
Greatly depressed
Shaky hands
Can barely stand
Empty inhaler
I am a failure
Need to pack
Panic attack
CAN YOU JUST CALM DOWN PLEASE?

Depression is such an ugly thing
I feel it oozing out my ears
Fleeing is nigh to impossible
But my only opportunity is here

Run run run run run
Towards the destiny I see for me
Run run run run run
Leave the place I've lived in for so long

Home is such a lovely word
But it isn't a singular place
It's where I feel that I'm in love
With the only embrace I'll ever need