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Ranita Jun 2014
It doesn't matter
If you are alone or not.
You are still lonely.
May 2014 · 574
Jeffrey
Ranita May 2014
No amount of words can describe what I feel.
I loved him so much and now he's gone.
He took his life and left us all confused.
We are all depressed and broken now.
Struggling to pick up the pieces of his life.
He wrote everything down, in journals, notepads.
He once wrote that he wanted to give me his bible.
So it's mine now..and I haven't touched it.
I was stronger when it first happened.
I was the one who cried the least out of everyone.
I was the one who listened to his recorder.
5 hours of slurred speech and pain.
Now I can't even touch the recorder out of fear.
Fear that hearing his voice will break me again.
I just wish that he laughed more.
Or rather, I just wish I listened....
My brother fell down a six story building when I was 5. He went through tons of surgeries. He struggled to get his life together for 14 years but PTSD kept him from doing so. He shot himself on May 6th. I had been at work when my dad came and told me what happened.
Mar 2014 · 420
Movement
Ranita Mar 2014
Maybe I'm just missing my home..
But I really feel like I'm searching,
For something I once knew well.
I hide my face in my hands too often,
Hoping for someone to tear me out
Of this hell I put myself in.
I would cry again, but whats the use?
Puffy eyes make me uglier.
Opinions of what to do with myself
Come out of everyone's mouth,
Screaming loudly for all to hear.
My thoughts are silent
Wishing for some life to spark in me.
Artistically speaking, my life is dull.
It used to flourish like the wilderness.
You haven't disappointed me.
I have disappointed myself deeply
Simply because I wait and wait.
I would run but where would I go?
Does it really matter what I think?
Sitting in one spot doesn't help.
So I'll sit in a field of wildflowers
Taking a simple step for myself
Where maybe I'll start to see.
Took inspiration from the simplistic themes in anime. <(◕‿◕✿)<
Mar 2014 · 418
Live On Caged In
Ranita Mar 2014
I am caged in.
But I guess that's my fault.
I guess I put myself there.
I'm stuck now.
I'm caged in.
Nothing makes me feel.
My eyes are lifeless.
The fire in me has burned out.
Stifled by lack of oxygen.
So what to do now?
Live on caged in?
Ranita Mar 2014
I still have too long a life ahead
To get rid of these feelings, right?
I want to try doing over
The things I've left undone.
I thought I was running after
Something carried over from my dreams.
Yet I'm stumbling into people
On this narrow, winding road.
It's not like I want to go back
To the way things were back then.
I'm just searching for the sky
I've been losing.
Here's hoping you'll understand.
Stop making that sad face
As though you were a victim.
Sins don't end with tears
You have to carry the pain forever.
Who am I waiting for, in this maze of emotions
With no way out in sight?
I want to purge myself more simply
As if writing in a blank notebook.
What is it I want to escape from..
...Is it reality?
It makes me want to scream that we're alive
For things to come true.
Can you hear me?
I can't put up with playing it safe.
I've got nowhere to go home to.
I'm always grateful for kindness
That's why I want to grow stronger.
(I'm on my way)
I even welcome this pain
For the things I miss.
Wanted to have a written copy of the lyrics for myself. Couldn't find an exact translation though, so I took my favorite version from what is shown in the show on Netflix.
Ranita Jan 2014
Few will know these things and fewer still will understand what this is to me in this moment of tonight.
But I really don't care because what I feel right now is real and I haven't felt the feeling of real in a while.
Today is my birthday. I'm older now. Wiser? Maybe, maybe not. I definitely went through enough when I was 18.
Now is my time to learn from it. And I'm kicking it off with a night of listening to an album I have abandoned.
Age of Adz. By Sufjan Stevens. And it's different now I think, I wasn't older yet, I wasn't wise I guess.
I want so much to be at rest. And I will fall asleep to an old friend singing of futile devices, getting real, getting right, and dear impossible souls.
And I will cry at the memories but relate it with new. Because today is a day of transition.
Because I want to be well. And I'm not ******* around.
Nov 2013 · 338
Untitled
Ranita Nov 2013
Sometimes you need the cold
Just to feel warmth again..
To feel alive.
Nov 2013 · 353
Untitled
Ranita Nov 2013
I am broken
Unsure how to run correctly.
And in the words of Forrest Gump,
"That's all I have to say about that."
Aug 2013 · 1.9k
Jealousy
Ranita Aug 2013
I am here to describe something.
I know jealousy.
I feel it in my heart.
When I see a painting,
When I see a sketch,
When I see a pattern,
When I hear a song.
Others have found their medium.
I am still searching.
And wanting...
Wanting and wanting and wanting.
I know jealousy.
I look at my art...
And it isn't good enough for me.
May 2013 · 2.2k
In your mind
Ranita May 2013
In your mind, you believe you are like artists you listen to.
Like their deep, meaningful lyrics relate to you.
In your mind, you think yourself to be clever.
Your little sayings and sarcasms so devious.
In your mind, you believe that you are a hipster.
Ironically saying yolo and swag.
In your mind, you think that you have inside jokes.
I tend to think that they are just with yourself.
Maybe that's just it.
It's all in your mind.
Apr 2013 · 791
Go die in a hole.
Ranita Apr 2013
He said she said.
Crying little girls.
Tumblr posts read.
Stolen white pearls.

No.
Just no.
Go.
Just go.

Go die in a dark dank hole.
Apr 2013 · 335
What
Ranita Apr 2013
I am not perfect
I love, I hate
I help, I cry
And now
I
Feel
Nothing
Apr 2013 · 291
One of those days
Ranita Apr 2013
It's been one of those days
Where I could know pretty things
But in the end it doesn't matter
Pretty things can't fix me
It's been one of those days
Where I need more
More than just a promise
He is light, goodness, love,
But it's been one of those days
I know those pretty things
But it's been one of those days
When it can't make me feel better
One of those days
When I need some proof
When I need some love
When I need for it all to be over
When I need to cry
When I want to die
Just for info's sake, I do want to die, but I am talking to a couple of friends who really care about me. I'll be okay. You know,
Just one of those days.
Ranita Mar 2013
I cannot describe,
The searing, the burning pain,
That resides in me.
Doesn't matter where it came from, it matters how I deal with it. And right now, I'm completely lost and don't have an answer for you. I'm so very sorry.
Mar 2013 · 746
My Ocean of Life.
Ranita Mar 2013
Lost in a sea of factors.
The lists have been erased by atomic bombs.
A girl swims through,
Her breathing jagged from exhaustion.
Her legs leaking blood.
She holds a book above the water.
She will swim forever.
"Whatever it takes" she says.
"Whatever what takes?" asked the wind.
The sea answered for her:
"Can't you see? There are two."
The wind was silenced.
The sea spoke,
"A shark. God no."
The other, a mermaid, spoke,
"Deeper waters look pretty.
I wish to venture further."
The girl still swims.
Barely able to keep herself afloat.
Swimming alone.
The factors dragging her under.
She clutches the book in one hand,
Paddles with the other.
She stays like this.
The mermaid visits her sometimes.
"Why have you left me?
Have you forgotten?"
The lone girl answers,
As best as she can,
"I still swim because of you.
I never forget. I never will forget.
I'm sorry, I love you.
Do what you will."
"Just keep swimming"
Dory had some wisdom. Some crazy good wisdom.
Mar 2013 · 1.1k
Repetition strips reality.
Ranita Mar 2013
I'm terrified.
Absolutely terrified.
Completely terrified.
Frozen in terror.
It's terrifying.
They're terrifying.
I'm terrifying.
You're terrifying.
I'm terrified.
Terror.
Terrified.
Good.
Repetition strips reality.
Terror doesn't sound real.
Not anymore.
Brain tricks are fun.
I use weird things like this all the time.
I make myself believe something when reality is terrifying.
What?
Mar 2013 · 2.6k
The lion and the doe.
Ranita Mar 2013
In the greenest meadow,
With the clearest stream,
And the bluest sky,
There lived a lion.
His mane golden and his teeth white.
He had not yet tasted the flesh of deer.
On the other side of the meadow,
There lived a doe.
Her fur was a silken brown.
She knew not of lions.
The lion saw the doe, and was in awe.
She was clean, she was beautiful.
He wanted a taste.
He spoke to her in low, calming tones.
Speaking to her lovely lies.
He said he craved a taste of her flesh.
She fell for the lion.
The doe wanted to please the lion.
She offered him a taste.
So he tasted.
But the lion couldn't control his hunger.
He tore at her flesh.
Wounding the deer.
The green grass turned red.
The sky grew dark.
When he had enough, he got up.
He looked at her.
He growled, he hissed, he walked away.
He wanted no blame for his own doing.
The doe nursed her wounds.
And the water turned red.
She grew strong again.
Washed clean by the stream.
The grass green again.
The sky blue.
But her scars remained.
The silken fur turned ragged.
The doe had a friend.
One with much shinier fur.
One more beautiful than she had been.
One that was unable to stand on her own.
Her friend was weak.
Weary from running.
She also did not know of lions.
The doe told her of the lion.
Showed her the scars.
Her friend saw, and hated the lion.
Or so she said.
The sky grew dark again.
The lion came back.
His mane with deep red in it.
His teeth bloodstained.
The doe was wary.
The doe knew he was flesh-hungry.
Her scars ached.
And she knew.
Her friend was in danger.
I am fury. I am pain. I am washed. I am stained.
I am the doe. I run from the lion.
My friend does not.
She should know better.
Ranita Mar 2013
"Don't stop," I cry out.
I did it again because...
He gave up on me.
Mar 2013 · 9.6k
Time passing with a friend
Ranita Mar 2013
9:00pm: We hugged and chatted. Your sister joking with us, your brothers being silly. I love your siblings.

9:30pm: We went hunting for gear. Your dad helped us find sleeping mats and told us where to find some tarps.

10:00pm: We climbed onto the fort and made our beds. I swept the bugs and pine needles away. I remember thinking, I hate pine needles. Why Florida trees, why?

10:30pm: We made tea and got ready for bed. I love chamomile tea. Lots of sugar. Washing off my makeup was easy with your sister's fancy face wipes.

10:45pm: We climbed into our sleeping bags. I was warm. I love the plaid pattern of the sleeping bag I always use.

11:00pm: We ate snacks, drank tea, and talked. Poptarts are so good late at night. Better than in the morning. And the hot tea felt so good against the chilling breezes.

11:30pm: I turned off the flashlights. I liked it better that way. I like hearing only voices, not seeing the person. My hearing what they say feels amplified that way.

11:30pm: I laid on my back and realized how pretty the trees are. The sky was orange, oddly lit up more than normal for that time of night. Few clouds drifted in the sky.

12:00am: I poured the story out to you.

12:05am: I began watching the moon cross the sky. It was very orange and it moved faster than I imagined it would.

12:30am: I got a text.

1:00am: I proposed an adventure. I wanted to do something. I wanted not to have to think for a while. I like late night happenings. And I like not being alone.

1:15am: We got off our lazy butts and went to the garage. I started riding the ripstick. I picked it up right away and didn't fall which was new for me.

1:30am: You taught me how to longboard. It was fun, though I kept forgetting which way I would put my feet.

1:45am: We started riding bikes. I love your mom's bike. It's so smooth and easy to ride..but it clicks sometimes in weird ways. I liked the clicking too.

1:50am: ***** it, I didn't want to reply.

2:00am: We rode through the neighborhood. I love the houses in Naples..

2:05am: I fell in love with the night sky. It was beginning to look more like the normal dark blue rather than orange. The stars started to peek through better.

2:10am: The cold air made my blood rush. I was wearing such warm clothes, but the wind went straight through. I loved going fast, racing you. Speed is beautiful on a bike.

2:15am: I never wanted the night to end. I wanted to ride late at night forever.

2:35am: The silence was so beautiful. We would be quiet for short bits. I liked the pictures my mind created during that time.

2:40am: I wished I had his time stopping watch. I always wish I did.

2:45am: We started the ride home. My breathing got pretty rough. Cold air always hurts my lungs. But it was so worth it.

3:00am: We put the bikes away and crawled back into bed. I loved the fort so much..

3:10am: You fell asleep.

3:15am: The moon was higher in the sky. It was clear and white and full.  I could see it perfectly. Peeking through the trees. I fell asleep slowly. Loved it all.
Sleepover at a friend's house. That night was lovely. The next day was beautiful as well.
Florida weather has its perks.
Feb 2013 · 652
Dark thoughts
Ranita Feb 2013
I'm being tortured. Being pulled apart slowly, painfully, and in all of the places that make me scream the loudest.
Satan has given me my own personal demons. My torturers.
They have ripped my skull in half.
They are experimenting on different parts of my mind. Finding where it causes me to writhe in pain.
They have started to rip the skin over my chest.
They have found my heart. They are cutting it to pieces.
They have taken my lungs. They are squeezing them..making it impossible to breathe..
yet God is barely keeping me alive. Why? Why do I feel like Job? I'm not strong. I don't have the strength to keep my blood flowing.
I feel it. They are going to snap my spine in half. Soon. So very soon.
Feb 2013 · 398
I'm telling you
Ranita Feb 2013
Run.

Run far far away.

Run far away,

From this,

From me.
Feb 2013 · 2.7k
Late night poetry.
Ranita Feb 2013
I cry because I'm lonely, I cry because I'm scared.

I cry because I can't move out, I cry because I cared.

I can only tell a story, and I can because it's mine.

Although it's still a secret, and I tell you that I'm fine.

I lie because I love you, and I don't want you to know.

I bottle up my feelings, and hardly ever let them go.

I'm sorry I'm so lonely, I'm sorry I'm so scared.

I'm sorry that I can't move out,

But mostly,

I'm sorry that I cared.
Feb 2013 · 1.1k
Innocence.
Ranita Feb 2013
Ice skates and two bite brownies
I don't know what innocence is
Walls, I need walls.
Darkest rooms and beige hallways
In an instant, stolen.
Run, run away.
Leather sofas and pure accidents.
What is happening to me?
Stop this, stop it now.
Tinted windows and background music
What have I done?
Walls, run, stop.

Please, just stop.
Feb 2013 · 346
Untitled
Ranita Feb 2013
I could be in the most idyllic situations,
I could have my best friend listening closely,
But all that's on my mind,
Will never leave my mouth.

I could cry all the frustration out,
I could cry all the energy from my body,
But no one would ever know,
What's really in my head.

I could fight it,
I could give up,
But I'm stuck,
For a little longer.

Then there is...
Freedom.
Feb 2013 · 421
Mondays: a haiku.
Ranita Feb 2013
Please I want to sleep.
I don't want to leave you, bed.
You look so pretty.
Feb 2013 · 659
Complications
Ranita Feb 2013
I hate complicated things.
I hate them.
I hate them.
I hate them.
I want the answers mapped out.
But they aren't.
Never ever mapped out.
Always guessing,
Always failing.
Why aren't you proud?
I do my best.
I fail yes.
Please
Oh God, PLEASE
Be proud.
Jan 2013 · 842
The Art of Simplicity
Ranita Jan 2013
Complications fade
They fade to little things.
Almost non existant.
The art of simplicity, a friend.
Always comforting me.
Reminding me
That yesterday is nothing.
That today is easy.
And tomorrow is freeing.
Jan 2013 · 3.2k
Internet Communication.
Ranita Jan 2013
Why do you even exist?
You make yourself look so pretty.
You put on your makeup of convenience.
Your gown of simplicity.
But in reality, you are a thief.
You are stealing from me.
You steal the value of personal contact.
You steal the value of a kindly written letter.
You steal the value of words.
I feel so betrayed.
I believed your pretty little lies.
But you tricked me.
You were not real.
You are no longer my friend.
Internet Communication.
Ranita Nov 2012
I keep telling people,
"Art is my enemy."
"I haven't drawn in months."
"I don't like this piece."
"I'm close to giving up."
And then my mind...
It decides not to care.
I can draw without restraint.
And I do.
And I like it.
But then I am sent into self doubt,
All over again.
So when I draw something good,
Don't worry, I'm surprised too.
Nov 2012 · 671
My Lovely Roses
Ranita Nov 2012
I have a jar of dried roses,
Sitting on my dresser.
Collecting dust,
Decaying petals,
Falling leaves,
They all remind me,
That beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
I look at the jar,
I see the dreary colors of death.
The colors long ago faded to lifelessness.
I love the beauty,
Of my lovely roses.
Ranita Nov 2012
Hello again, my old friend.
You always had a horrible memory.
So you probably can't remember,
But we used to go to the beach.
You used to call.
I used to laugh.
Even at your lame jokes.
We used to be friends.
But you left me,
One year ago today.
How did it come to this?
How did we become strangers?
So soon, so fast.
I see old pictures,
I see new ones,
I see your face.
You've hardly changed.
I remember those days.
And then there's you,
And you always had a horrible memory.

Hello, I miss you, I love you, Goodbye.
Sep 2012 · 1.6k
Written in my journal
Ranita Sep 2012
Behind the youth room, sitting on the pavement, I think of past times.
I sit quietly and submerse my mind in the memories…
And I wonder, if I leave, will I ever come back and do this again? Feel the sweet nostalgia?
Will I tell my kids about these memories?
Will I tell them about the ones that haunt me as well? The ones I wish I could forget?
I think I will. I wish my parents had emphasized on the horrific things those memories do to you.
Weeds overrun Ashleigh’s and my old meeting place.
Our drainage grate where we told secrets have been overtaken by bushes.
“My chest hurts a lot today.” “And when I look back, I see you waving”
-Grizzly Bear, Fix it
Ranita Sep 2012
Fingers run through my hair
Air whips my skirt
Invisible force pushes me back
Gentle hands brush my arm
My eyes flinch with the stronger gusts
The cool brings chills to my skin
My mind feels relaxed and free
Sep 2012 · 1.0k
Searching Myself
Ranita Sep 2012
What am I these days?

I feel as though I am a phantom.

Walking through this life

Without a purpose, without a care

But I know that is false.

The words of the devil.

I am a daughter of His.

But I am like the prodigal son.

Eating with the pigs.

I want to feel Him.

Hear Him.

See Him.

Yet how can I allow it?

The way that I am.

I should be cast into Hell.

I chose imperfection.

Over Perfection.

Can I just change my mind?

Fall in love with Perfection?

All over again?

I hear that I can.

I feel His voice.

In the back of my head.

Answering, Yes..yes.

My darling, I miss you.

Let me hold your cares.

Let go. Be free.

— The End —