If i cut open my insides and looked at my heart
Im having a feeling that it would be struggling to pump blood
I think it would be black and blue and oozing a thick substance
If i cut open my wrists
And peered inside
I think that all of my insecrities would spill out
All my problems and things i bottle up would all run loose
And i would lie there motionless
Because i have no happiness
All i live off of is my depression and tears
And now they are free and so am i
If i cut open my brain
And took a walk inside
I believe i would find lots of horrifying and gory things
I would find memories about myself fanasizing over suicide
Find memories of slitting open my wrist three inches wide
Find memories of endless tearfilled nights
I think i would begin to discover that i might really be dying
Or going insane
Or possibliy both
Becuzz what kind of person dwells in agonizing depression
And loaths in non existant happiness
A person that talks to herself for companionship
A person that would be more than willing to jump out of a moving vechile
With tiny children present
A lunatic broken person that who

Give up, don't fight
**** myself tonight
It's not what I want
It is how I feel
I don't like to tell ya
But I somehow gotta deal

But maybe
It's the other way around
Cause at this point
I don't really know
What I truly Feel
If I feel at all
What I really think consciously
Conjure up at will

Put a pen to the paper
A keyboard to the screen
Post my poems online so I can finally be seen

I crave connection
Like all humans do
But as someone like me
I crave solitude

Get up, no spite
Safe myself tonight
It is what I want
Kinda how I feel
I really need to tell ya
To finally make the deal

When people expect the worst from you
It's really truly hard to maintain a positive attitude
So then you start presenting what their expecting
And it's so **** hard to keep those tears from slipping down your face
Because your parents have the audacity
To tell you that you make more mistakes
Compared to how many times you have made them smile
And you regret choosing to live at home  
You regret living in general
Because living is difficult
But people told you that you were strong and you believed them
You believed the pretty poisoned lies they told you
To make you feel like a better person
And you said “ your right , i can do this “
And that was that
But you noticed the more people know about how your feeling
The more pain you feel
So you stop
You stop showing what the sadness is doing to you on the outside
On the inside
And you somehow get away with it
Until your psychiatrist asks how you're doing and you can't keep it in anymore
You tell her that mountains of painkillers and antidepressants
Are beckoning to you sweetly
You play around with your wording because you want to be remembered
With a sense of humor before you die
And she calls your mother in
And she cries
Because the daughter she gave birth to doesn't even want it
But she understands!
She understands your pain because your own mother is dealing with some of her own
They call security
They call the paramedics
They come into the room that your in and you look away
The officer says “ You have a whole life to live “
You smirk and a single tear falls down your face as you chuckle
“ This isn't living “
Your mother ***** in a breath and lets out a thundering sob
She pulls you into a bone crushing hug and you tell her that your sorry
And as you repeat the overused sentiment you wonder what your sorry for
If your even truly sorry
Please help me understand …
Your sorry for making someone feel bad because you feel worse ?
Your sorry because you feel mocked by people that tell you to get over it
When they happen to not give a single thought EVER about anyone but themselves
And my person inside me begs for me to scream  “YOU HAVEN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH !”
No
They haven't
While the sun arises each and every morning for the blessed and humble
Your sun hasn't risen for years now
Instead a plastic and artificial version of what the sun should be ascends into your day
And shines in your eyes and taunts you
It laughs at you because YOU have more scars than friends
YOU can't go places alone because your suicidal tendencies screams louder
Than your mother yelling from the outside of the ambulance
“YOUR GOING TO BE OKAY!”
And you wave
You wave your hand to your mother as your taken to a wretched place
That throws you out worse than the way you were when you walked in
One month passes
Your home
But your parents are treating you like polypropylene
Tough enough to still be parented
But still weak , still a bit vulnerable
Six months pass
You become a ***
You make relationships with people
Because they make you feel good about yourself
And you foolishly get attached
Because your addicted to the feeling you get when they leave
Heart Wrenching sadness
Your so accustomed to it
And you think that the taste of salty tears would grow old
But depression comes in all different flavors
And when they bid you farewell
You promise yourself , no more
No more people
Just focus on yourself
But there is nothing to focus on
Because your so ******* broken that only the pieces of your shattered heart remain
And it's hard to explain what's going on inside your tangled mind
Your not even allowed to be okay when your not okay
Not allowed to smile in the midst of your tragedy
Because everybody is expecting you to be this sad piece of nothing
So when your anything and everything your not
You get **** for it
You’ve been getting **** for it
To this day you hide how you feel because the truth is to abhorrent to bear
Anytime you say that you don't want to do this anymore
Society says “ Your lying “
And you feed yourself lies
You tell yourself that your not enough
That you have never been enough
You never meet anybody's expectations
And you lean towards believing
That disappointment is just another form of terror
To cause trauma to what's left of your heart
And the worst thing about being a disappointment
Is the lack of trust from other people
They don't expect you to be there for them
Because the silence you were unknowingly feeding them is causing them to choke
And then everybody is gone
And you're to blame
YOUR TO BLAME
And you wonder and ponder upon ways to fix your heart
But it's not that easy
You need tools to fix something that is broken
Everyone who loved you were your tools
Tools no longer
You were the heavy lifter
You carried your overweight broken heart because ironically
You were the only one with that type of strength
So now your learning not to put it on the line
The hard way
Your lugging it behind you tied to a string because it fell off your shoulder
And you start to realize that absence makes the heart grow fonder
And that confuses you
Because its dead
Or so you thought
No matter how broken it is …
Your heart is the only thing that wont give up on you mentally
“If i could i would **** every insecurity that told you that you weren't enough “

I never knew quite what triggers were
What they could make you feel , let alone what they make you do
I knew i had depression , severe depression
That was obvious
But i never realized the word Depression was a trigger
Anytime i see it in an article or hear it in a song
I can vividly sense my heart beating faster than normal
Can feel it slithering away from the source of that ****** word
However when i say it , nothing
I feel nothing that i havent felt before
So i never tried to avoid this word that provoked me
Never did anything to somewhat fix this labored breathing
Never called for help when my eyes were bleeding salt water
Salt water that stung my cuts , stung the incision on my heart
Sliced because every time i knew i couldnt handle any more
I pushed more hurt to my hurting
I never knew quite what triggers were
But if i knew living would be this hard
I wouldnt of put in the effort

It's one thing to have suicidal thoughts
Its an entire different story to be committed to them
It's one thing to say " i'm going to **** myself "
It's another thing to actually take your own life
Every 40 seconds someone commits suicide
No single person should ever attempt to die on purpose
I know very well how it feels to want to die
To want to just disappear and be done with sadness
Nobody chooses to feel this way
They are forced , i am forced to deal with what i feel
So why am i getting **** for my chemical imbalances?
if i have no control over when they come and the power that they come in ?
It takes guts to purposely harm yourself
Which means something bigger , stronger
Is causing you to believe that this is the only way out
Everything that your trying isnt seeming to work
Which means you dug your self a pretty deep holee
And only you have the ability to get yourself out
So you need to try harder
Alot harder
Because obviously the old ways were not working
They weren't working for a reason
Stop trying to be like everyone else
Your special for a purpose
You are a beautiful painting
And you were hung crooked ON PURPOSE
Don't fall victim to your unwellness