Waging my wars
in my mind, body, and soul
Shouldn't be this hard.
Emptiness..
What is this?
I'm probably not as fine as I seem
Cried myself sick,
need a distraction
that I can't find
Sometimes to stay alive you gotta **** your mind
Why is it always stormy days
that keep me company
Funny, because I love the rain
Usually a semblance of pain,
gloomy days.
But it's calming to me..
But the hurt won't go away,
It shouldn't even be around
I shouldn't be hurt
over these things
I shouldn't want to stay in bed all day
I shouldn't feel like a burden to everyone
I shouldn't feel this ****** up
I shouldn't think the way I do,
I take for granted a lot of things
Someone tell me..
does it get better?
do I stop wanting to give up?
Been this way for a while now,
thought I was getting better
and really, I was...
but now
I think I'm the worst I've ever been
and I'm craving something
anything
to drown out these thoughts
preferably scalding
to throw away the burning knife that isn't real
it's a figment of my mind
Broken fragments
that were almost whole

"We accept the love we think we deserve."
Which, my friend, is none.
We never think we deserve any love.
Maybe we'll mess up the love we get,
and pretend it doesn't hurt,
and we'll be happy for them
when they find someone that is not us
because then, they'll be happy,
and that's all we want.
We don't deserve love,
because we can't show it back,
because we can't handle it,
because we can't think to ourselves
that this is really happening,
You can't see for yourself.
You don't trust,
don't think it's anything real.
Maybe we're a "special" kind of breed,
something that needs fixed.

Putting people into the situation
that literally puts them in tears
just thinking about it
isn't going to help it
if it was,
I would be fine by now,
public speaking wouldn't phase me,
I could walk down hallways with my head up
I could make eye contact
I could walk into classrooms alone
I could hang out with the few friends I have
I could talk to people I know
I could pay for my own things without wanting
to stab myself in the throat afterwards,
I could do all these things that seem normal and casual
I could do all of this without crying
I could do all of this without a constricted throat,
and a heart that feels like it's tied down
to my feet
and don't you dare say
it's because I don't try
I've tried
and tried
and tried
Don't you dare say I'm faking it
because this is a personal hell

Ive been coughing up blood since you left
there are dark circles around my eyes and everyone remarks that  i look tired
they ask me if i need anything but honestly all i need is you back in my life
but you aren't here so i'll start sleeping less because  when i do sleep
i have to wake up and realize the only place i see you is in my dreams

I can't stop crying
I've cried for days
and I'm not talking a few tears
I mean to the point my head hurts
and I want to rip my eyes out of my head
Music isn't helping
Chocolate isn't healing
Sleeping isn't comforting
Because you don't leave my dreams

I know it's my fault.
I deleted you today,
in a fit of rage,
honestly.
Finally admitted why I did what I did
Never thought it'd hurt all this much
Couldn't take seeing you today
I feel shattered
and broke again
even if it was only a few minutes
I can't stop shaking still
No matter how hard I try

I'm sorry for all these things
I'm sorry I made you feel the way I did,
just know that you aren't.
You were always the one who did.
You were the reason I got up most days.
I know I never told you that,
I never acted like that,
but I told you why.

I know you found something else
they're not going to hurt you.
They'll make you happy.
They're not me.
They'll be who you need.
They're not going to **** up like I do.
They'll be the ones worth it.

Just promise me
that you'll be happy
no matter how much I break,
I'll eventually be okay
Not soon, maybe, but I'll be someday....

Ever reread messages
and they break you the same way
over, and over again?
Just to hurt yourself?
Just so you know that you were never the only one?
That you were never good enough?
Do you just need reminders
though it eats you every day
Bites at your chest
Leaves a hole

Do you cry everyday,
for no reason at all
but your thoughts
and they way they break you down
Do you ever just leave yourself shattered
because you just don't feel good enough

Do you ever take offensive jokes seriously
because you've always heard them and be meant true