it’s valentine’s day
and i can’t help but think about what you’re doing, with her
i ended up signing into your music app
to mourn
not expecting to come across that you’ve been listening to our breakup playlist
after listening to those songs, the same songs i’ve been listening to for months
scenarios swarm my mind
possibly you’re having problems in your new relationship
maybe i have a chance
but i remind myself that you could just be listening to music
because frankly, your music taste is beyond words
like the song about caged birds, it’s really about how you had to find yourself after we ended things
then there’s the one about how i never took the time to hear you out
appreciate your love for me
which is true
these songs have so much pain and are so passionate
every day that i listen to them it’s as if someone is stabbing me
just like when i drive over the patch in the road from our first date
my heart stops
when i pass the place downtown where we would ride bikes
i cant breathe
but now you’re a free bird
you’ve found yourself since me
flying high in the sky above clouds of smoke
definitely not thinking about me
especially the way i think about you
the way i’ve thought about you these past 259 days
and will probably think about you for even longer
all i can do is wait
my timing was poor, i was oblivious to the love you felt for me and didn’t fight hard enough when we tried to fix things
so you thought i didn’t care
but i’ve listened to your songs every single day
the ones you’re starting to listen to again
and now i wish to know
if you’re possibly wondering about what i’m doing today
happy valentine’s day, my dear

you whispered “i love you”
like if the world heard you
it would take me away
but what you didn’t know
is that i was going to be the reason
i had never felt so much love
it scared me
to open up to something so foreign
and not have any idea what to do
frightened me more than anything else
i was so in love with you
eight months later and i’m still writing about you
because i’ve been confused
and lost
if only i could make you understand
that my father was never around
the closest man in my life died from addiction
and how i didn’t grow up in a home of true love
then maybe, just maybe
you would give me another chance
we have both changed so much
i’ve lost countless people
won battles that seemed impossible
and learned to be less judgmental
you’ve been trying new things
living a different life
but also struggling
yet we have both found confidence
we aren’t the same small, shy, pushovers we used to be
if we were together
we could rule this world
live the life we have both urned for
now all i urn for is you
because i failed to show you how much i cared
i’m ready
so **** ready
to yell “i love you” and let the entire world know

blondes have more fun
they’re social butterflies
bright, beautiful, and brave
not caring about what people have to say
expected to be bold and speak their minds
to be out every friday night
as if the pigment in your follicles defines you
the lighter your hair, the more outgoing you are
the louder you are
the more you let loose
because blondes have more fun
i’m a blonde
artificially
i feel as if i stand out more
yet i’m looked at as ‘dumb’
because, the bleach in my hair is a big sign that there’s nothing going on in my mind
right?
i’ll confess, i don’t understand chemistry
but i make all As and Bs
with an occasional C
not because i’m blonde
but maybe if i went back to my darker roots
then i’d have better grades
but for now
i’m a blue eyed girl with blonde hair
which means i’m probably a cheerleader
and that i might have a boyfriend with more muscle than he knows what to do with
along with countless friends
and everything i could ever ask for
but you couldn’t be more wrong
blondes aren’t always more fun
blondes aren’t always dumb
blondes can be empowering women
business women
strong women
or even just women
the color of my hair doesn’t determine who i am
i determine who i am
and that’s more fun than being blonde ever will be

finally, a day where I can feel the sun on my skin
like a trail of kisses
the breeze in the air
much like a lover tracing my fingers with theirs, intertwining
my shoulders feel weightless
i’ve been so patient
finally, a day where i can walk past you and not panic
not flashback to who you were
fear who you have become
but hold my head high
wave hello to the friend walking in front of you
not scared of whether or not you’ll judge me for it
i’m finally able to genuinely smile
able to love myself
to feel my heart beat again and not miss your rhythm
i’m beaming as the sun seams
i feel refreshed, relaxed, and even pure
as though every tear and ache has been drained
i’m promising my soul to happiness,
putting myself first,
to the yellow butterflies fluttering through the air,
not the butterflies of someone’s words or touch
i’m promising my soul to myself,
not a boy
i’m a brand new me
and i love me

i’m down three months and i down myself again
swig after swig after swig
i dance around my living room and curse your name
screaming the words to every song and pretending i’m fine
i’m alive, i’m energized, i’m over you
but in all reality
i’m still urning for you
still writing about you
drinking over you
missing you
so i drink
darling, i’m still madly in love with you
but you chose getting high with a girl who is everything i’m not
everything you told me i never had to be
our love was so pure
so genuine
but now i’m turning into a young drunk
barley making it everyday
dialing your number but i know if i call
it’ll only give you and your new friends something to talk about
you claimed i was your world
but now i’m just a joke to you
so i drink
the tase of pineapples, coconut, and ***** filling the emptiness in my gut
everyday i base everything off of you
i wake up, in the bed we slept in
i don’t dare touch half of the clothes in my wardrobe
because they take me back to a specific time with you
i brush my teeth and miss us trying to share our tiny bathroom
hating all of the room i have now
so i drink
i hate sitting on my couch, the spot where we first kissed
that kiss that still makes me feel warm and fuzzy
but now that you’re gone
the only thing that can replace those butterflies is alcohol
i sit in my bathtub, drinking
lay in my bed, drinking
i’m writing this, and drinking
all because inside
i’m still urning for you
i’m still writing about you
i’m still drinking over you
forever loving you
every drop of you
so i drink

i spend my nights with you
but day dream about somebody else
i’m falling in love with you
but i’m already in love with him
i can’t begin to explain the thoughts that race through my mind
when i talk to you about something that he would’ve loved
but you don’t really care at all
and that’s fine
it’s just that he was my best friend
and now we walk past each other in the halls
as if we’re strangers
no one around us would be able to tell that his laugh is my favorite laugh
that him and i have spent vacations together
and that we baked, cried, and spent months in each other’s arms
now i spend my nights with you
but i’m dreaming my days away about him