He's beautiful,
but he's not mine to touch.

You turned me into someone
I never strived
to be.

I don’t even know myself anymore. I look myself in the mirror and I see this girl who isn’t me. That girl I see in the mirror..her eyes look dead. They look empty. She’s crying, tears falling from her dull blue eyes; her eyes used to be so radient and happy. Her wrists, shredded up, along with her thighs. What happened? A few months ago there were no scars or cuts. She made herself into a hideous monster. Oh I’m not done yet. This girl, her words cut through people like a razor; just like the ones she used, she has no sympathy. She’s lost, panicking, you can see her anxiety rising, ripping away at her second by second. In the mirror you see her family, they look upset; she did that to them. They’re yelling, threatening. Her anxiety builds up more. Her family leaves, letting her cry alone. She can’t quite say anything right, and ends up taking it out on her beloved friends. She can’t take it anymore. She wants out, but she can’t leave. This girl in the mirror isn’t me, but she won’t leave. This girl creeps up on me, and she scares me.

I hate everything that we've become.

"I need love!" I scream from the top of my lungs,
but he never hears me.
"I want you!" I whisper right behind his back,
but he doesn't turn around.
"Can I get to know you?" I question him as he turns the corner,
not even looking for who was talking.
"You're killing me!" I cry as he listens to the teacher lectures.
"Do you even know who I am?" I mumble as I realize he doesn't even know my name.
"I don't even know you." I say under my breath as he leans to his friend.
"Why am I doing this to myself?" I think as the bell rings and he leaves my view.

I get depressed
just thinking
about you.

How did 9 months
feel like an eternity?

My ears can't handle anymore yelling,
my eyes can't take anymore blood,
and my mind can't take anymore failure.

I tell myself on a daily basis that I love myself,
how I look.

I've started to hate myself as the days go on.
My hair.
My eyes.
My cheeks.
My eyebrows.
My flawed skin.
My big hips.
My huge thighs.
My fat stomach.

I keep telling myself,
"you're gorgeous!!"

I can't do it.
I hate myself.

I'm ugly as can be.
Pictures show it.

My face is too oily,
my lips are too dry.

When will I become pretty?
I fear it to be never.

The hatred is back,
and I'm hating it.

What's happened to me?

I actually care about what people think.
I care about popularity.
I want the football players to like me.

I've lost sight as to what's true.
I'm not myself anymore.

Who am I?

MY LUNGS ARE FILLED WITH HATRED,
BUT I'M STILL BREATHING.
I'M SUFFOCATING.
PLEASE SAVE ME.

My eyelids are heavy,
and my lips are ******.
It must be a sign I have a broken heart.

You're gone,
and I'm not sure how to cope.

I can't cut,
nor can I drink the pain away.

I just sit here trying to erase what is left of you.

I cannot see anymore.

She threw me away like
the day old tea bag that sat on her counter.

Did I ever mean anything to her?

She got rid of me so easily,
so quick.
      --was it easy for her to block me?

I'm sure it was.
She acted like I never meant anything,
that I was't an impact on her.

But just like that,
she blocked me out of her life.

Just.
Like.
*That.

I have a wave of nostalgia over me.
I'm finally remembering.

When we first became friends. You walked into english class and sat right next to me.

The first time I slept at your house, and you convinced me to wear a dress, but I didn't know how to put it on. You helped me in with no problem.

And that time I spent the night at your house. We read in bed together, and fell asleep. I woke up really thirsty and went to your kitchen to get some water, and you walked in very confused. We both laughed and went back to bed.

All those nights I spent in your arms.

How I loved when you would write poems about me,
and how I waited for them.

I pretended to not like you, because liking Zoe was so much easier.

I remember thinking I couldn't kiss you, because I didn't want to treat you the way your step-brother did.

When you bought me the infinity ring (which I still wear) and the ring that says "I refuse to sink."

When my wrist was filled with ****** cuts, you pulled me into the bathroom and kissed them. I held back tears.

I'm remembering,
but you're forgetting.

"I wanna smash the faces,
of those beautiful boys,
those christian boys."

I can now see
that you've forgotten about me.

I've been getting attached to useless boys,
falling in love as each day goes by.
I'm not true to myself anymore.
I'm lost,
and I don't know if I want to be found.

Who is she?

--You know, the girl that showed you love. The girl that touched you in ways hands couldn't. The girl who showed you that you have a life to live.

Who?

--The girl with the brown eyes and brown hair. The one with the smile that could end wars.

I have no idea who you're talking about.

--I can't believe you've forgotten.

Tell me about her.

--She was the one who showed you the light. She showed you that you were worth nothing but all the love in the world. She had these brown eyes. They were like tiny universes. Her hair, oh, it was wavy like the water at the beach. Oh, and she had this voice that even the Muses envied. Her smile…it was etched in your mind for so long, how have you forgotten?

She seems so lovely. I don't know I could have possibly forgotten her.

--Oh, how lovely she was. Do you want to know how you forgot her?

Yes, of course.

--She was erased, just like that, over one stupid thing. You lost her oh so long ago, but now she's gone. She ceases to exist..as far as you're concerned.

Is there anyway to get her back?
       
--Probably not.

I simply cannot speak to you.
Maybe it's not so simple, actually.
It's the thought of your smell.
I'm trying not to recall your smile.
I might have to ****** myself so I don't ponder over those things.
Your voice.
Your eyes.
My thoughts are cramped,
killing me by the second.
Tick, tock.
Tick, tock.
Soon I'll be dead.

I've reread your message for days,
but I don't think I can bring myself to reply.

You wrote a poem over a year ago, and posted it a few weeks after I was going to **** myself.
You said "I feel like life wouldn't go on without her here."

Well, thinking about it,
I'm not here.

We're in separate worlds,
and you're doing just fine.

See?
If I would've taken all those pills and never woken up,
you would be living, breathing, and moving on.

I'm nothing anymore.

Lover-nature she told me.
Love the universe as your lover,
not your mother.

I hated myself for what happened to us.
I always blamed myself.
I reminded myself daily that I was the reason you're gone.

But I'm starting to question;
maybe it wasn't me after all.

I believe everything happens for a reason.
Maybe we weren't meant to be together any longer,
maybe it wasn't meant to be.

If there's a god out there they would know what's right.
They would've not torn us apart.

She did not complete me, (simply because I complete myself),
but she gave me an outlet.
She gave me a light on the other side.
I would look at the smile on her face and think, "all of this is worth it."

But she's gone.
She's smiling at another,
drowning herself in love.
I'm okay with that.
I'm happy for her.
She deserves to be happy.

But
I just need one answer.

Why wasn't she happy with me?

I dyed my hair so that I do not resemble my father anymore.

Please,
get over yourself :)

This isn't fun anymore.

I just wanna **** his ****.

I FELT LIKE I DIDNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO WANT TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU AND TELL YOU YOURE HOME AND I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I CANT SAY IT OUT LOUD AND I NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF AND MOVE ON

I can't sleep.
It's because of you.

**** my parents and all they stand for.
**** my mom and the way she acts.
**** her for being who she truly is.
**** her for not being a real mother.
**** her.

**** my dad for who he is.
**** him for leaving.
**** him for choosing crack over me.
**** him for leaving scars on my arms.
**** him

You promised me forever.

When did forever become never?

You don't try to keep in contact.
All I have to think is:
why should I even try?

I've never shaken with fury before.

I finally realized I needed to open up my eyes,
and now I see everything.

She's the love of my life.
From the top of her head,
to the bottoms of her feet.

She's the love of my life,
but not in the way you would think.

She's the love of my life.
She's the light of my day,
and the dark of my night.

She's the love of my life.
She's the water of the tide
and the stars in the sky.

She's the love of my life.
That won't ever change.
I love her with all of my head,
and she knows that.

The moon in the dusk looked at me and whispered everything will be okay.
She told me that time goes on and she will always come back up to comfort me during night.
She looks over me and makes sure I'm well.
She gives me light in my dark mind,
and brightens the dark sky.
"When you're feeling down, come and find me," she said with a grin.
And I replied, "I'll be back again."

Reminder:
She loved me before her.

I need a drink or two.
I need to make my feelings burn along with my throat.
Why do I feel this way?

If I still feel like this tomorrow:













**** me.

I should be rotting 6 feet under the ground.
I should be growing into flowers.
I should be dead rather than waiting to die.

I feel the same way today











**** me.

It was NOT necessary for those ignorant ******* to protest today.
There was NO need for those graphic signs and mean words.
There were ******* CHILDREN seeing those signs.

People need to get their heads out of their ******* ***** and realize what women do does NOT ******* effect them.
They "****" a ******* FETUS.
A fetus who CAN'T feel anything
because their nerves haven't developed yet.
A fetus is just a bunch of CELLS.

I hate the ignorant part of the human race who think they have ******* control over others.
Get your head out of your ******* *** and realize you are a piece of trash.

I KNOW YOU'LL NEVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND MAYBE THAT'S HOW IT'S MEANT TO BE BUT I CANT HELP STAYING UP ALL NIGHT THINKING TO MYSELF "SHE'S THINKING OF ME."

It takes energy to love,
and energy cannot be created nor destroyed.
Does it mean that my love for you has always been and always will be?

Now that I know how it feels to be in a different mindset,
not think the way I normally would
and do and say what I'm usually afraid to say,
I never want to be sober again.

Being drunk makes me feel numb.
All my feelings finally go away,
and I can barely think.

I don't have the mindset to think
she said this
or
he did that.

I wish I could stay like that forever,
I'd never feel pain again.

12 am and we weren't asleep,
He and I drunk as can be.
We stepped out for a smoke
and our lungs got heavy.
The world was at peace,
I was happy.

I kissed all of my friends.
Some of them more than once.
Another I had not spoken with in months.
I even kissed the one that use to be mine.

He left and a few of us remained,
me being the only drunk.
I got sad,
things were uneasy.
I almost cried;
I wanted to say goodbye.

I crawled in her bed,
and she put her arm around me.
She said I smelled of stale cigarettes and a few ounces of alcohol,
and I told her I would go.
She hugged me closer
and I dozed off to sleep,
seeing another in my dreams.

There's still a war inside of my mind,
and it just won't subside.