i carry you with me
i carry you not only in my heart but in my mind
in every time i close my eyes
every ******* love song i hear
every smile i see on someone else's face
i carry you in the stars and the moon and the dances
i carry you in a tattoo of words on my soul
i carry you with me
(i carry you in my heart)
but i carry you everywhere else too.

Heart thumping
Face on the desk
We're talking about suicide
And I know what comes next

She tells us not to look
We have to close our eyes
She says it's an anonymous survey
And I wonder if I should lie

Raising our hands is a yes
And everything inside me
Screams no while I
Try to calm my bouncing knee

I raise a tentative hand
When she asks if we've considered suicide
That tentative hand raise is the largest step I've taken
And part of me feels peace deep down inside

"Do you have a boyfriend?"
A family member would ask
I suppressed a smile thinking of you
"No" I'd reply, my face a mask

"Mommy, why are they holding hands?"
A little girl would want to know
I'd pull my hand away from yours
And manage a timid "Hello"

"You're obviously in love"
A friend of mine took note of my bliss
I finally admit it but changed pronouns
Turning every "her" into a "him"

"I'm bisexual and dating a girl"
I'd tell the mirror 1,000 times
Getting the courage to tell my parents
Then turning around and changing my mind

"Are you ashamed of us?"
She'd ask tears welling in her eyes
"No" I'd hug her close because it was true
I was only ashamed of myself and my disguise

I kinda always liked your anger, it was cute in its way
I'm sure I can wipe away your tears, each and every day.
You break easier, so let me keep you safe from harms
Please just come her, and be safe in my arms.
Your compassion isn't dead, just sleeping
You aren't heartless, you just said you keep weeping

Oh my dear, you have not changed
and either way I still love you

Girls are the emotionally hurt ones
They need a tough boy to come in a rescue them
Well let me tell you, boys aren't superheroes
They go home just like girls and cry too
They have emotional problems, and
Underneath the shell of testosterone and cologne
There is a soft underside, easily bruised
But girls think the need superman to save them
They want him to lift them off their feet as they
Fly away into the refuge of love
But the moment he reveals his emotional underside
Girls turn away, and scrutinize him
How dare HE say he has problems!
I AM the one needing saving! I'm the hurt one!
They turn him away like a side dish,
As they are the main course, with all the problems
Well stop being so vain and thinking you need saving
Because guys sometimes need superheroes too...

Mondays are 1 am cigarette smokes
2 am poetry creations
and a lack of sleep
It’s raiding the fridge but not eating
It’s going outside in your underwear because it’s a MN winter and 55 degrees!
It’s looking in the mirror until each flaw disappears
It’s a bath
a shower
and one more  bath
to feel clean
It’s purging over the toilet and working out
It’s 2 gallons of water
and the pill addiction
no one yet sees
or maybe they just can’t believe because of what monday mornings used to be