I wish I still smoked
So I could sit on my roof inhaling this misery.

My memories of you are so playful and sweet
(Only since that day they got this undertone of heartbreak)

It was like this roller coaster of falling in love, the one we all know.
But right at my highest point, when I could see the whole city and my heart was racing and you were holding my hand

Right there
You woke me up

And now I will never know how scary and fun the rest of the ride would be. All I know is how I will dream of the possibilities for the rest of my life.

You were the best example
Of how I want to look into his eyes without any hesitation
Throw my head back and cry full volume with his mouth between my thighs and not be sane for a second

You made me realise I want painfully real being in love ****,
untill the psoriasis fills up my **** and he doesn't give a **** because I am so beautiful as I pour out his tea.

He will hold my hand on a festival just as proud as he licks my cheeks in the smoking area of a cracked out club and he will always wait for me while I work,
but untill now he's just never quite you.

My longues panick the moment my brains project the memories of you on the inside of my eyes.
And I could spend the rest of my life thinking about your choices but never making mine.

You were gorgeous in the summer with your hair dark and your stronger growing love for me.
And you were destructive and ice cold when winter started and you decided to choose honesty.

Seven months went by and little changed because still nobody knows how to trigger me like you.
They are flashlights and candles and torches and some of them stars, but lover you were the moon.

My brain zaps every minute to remind me
I belong in a room made of pillow.
"Now can you draw a fantasytree for me little lady?"
I'm working on it, it's getting better I promise.
Did you hear that?
In my dream last night I murdered and
it felt kind of freeing.
I forgot my meds mom, help.
Just tap your hand a little more,
there's a screaming really close.
I, I feel it zapping again. Minute's past.

"She draw her father without feet"

I get so scared.

Because I always **** up. Over attached insecurely depressed and you'll leave by the time that you figure this mess.

I get so anxious.

Because you're all so intimidading. With your arms and your hands and the scents of these men and I try to stop fantasising of it but I can't.

I get so weak.

Because I give you my spark. And I loose all my strength to the thought of a man loving me for the things that I no longer am.

I never liked any of you.
I just love doubting myself.

Funny how ten milligrams lighter
feels like ten kilos more.

Your smile is like almost missing the last train home but than the conductor waits for you.
Like that connection with a customer on a long day of work.
The moment you realise there's just 4 weeks till summer.
A 10 euro bill in your pocket right before the washing machine.

It's too cliche to compare your smile to sunshine,
but it's the warmth on my face on a dutch day in autumn.