I remember when art was colouring within the lines
And making Christmas cards
To festivals it was confined
Art was messy and fun
It was paint and glitter
Glue and scissors
Art was not a subject regular
Not like numeracy, literacy or science
It was a non academic waste of time
An afterthought in the afternoon
Galleries were for Picasso
Theatre's for Shakespeare
And other blue bloods
Somewhere not everyone was welcomed
Creativity and imagination 
Art became a journey of exploration
Different views and interpretations
Art is seeing the beauty in everything
It's moving it is still
It's lifelike and unreal
Sinister and peaceful
It sends a powerful message
It's a form of manipulation
And presentation 
Close to the artists heart
Words and pictures
A form of expression
The freedom to do what you want
Art is autonomy

Trace these fingers
On the scars etched into skin
This past
Is now a work of art
Its the mystery
That leads to
An interesting conversation
These are survival wounds
The rough bumps like medals
Worth more than bronze silver or gold
It's a Bafta
The lifetime achievement
And each story
Is the best-seller
Worn with honour and pride
Each stitch represents
Bravery and strength
You stand
Tall and powerful
Undefeated
Meet the gazes head on
And use your past
As the exciting build up
To the ******
Be the idol
To create your own unique blend
Of perfection
Perfection with an art of scars

I am ashamed, Sister!

I live in a house, I want to renovate.
Yours was bulldozed, now you live in a tent.

I need a new car, trade the old one away.
You lost your feet in a bombing yesterday.

I sleep so cozy and warm in a king size bed.
You find comfort in the cold hard floor instead.

Something doesn't work out I'll complain to everyone.
While you hide your tears when you lose someone.

My freezer is full with samosas and pies.
Your tummy sounds are muffled by rockets and cries.

I open my fast with plenty food in my plate.
You are thankful for that single date.

I do some chores my back is sore.
You lost your sons your pain is much more.

My Eid clothes are bought, few hundreds gone.
You were forced to leave with the clothes you had on.

I need a few holidays throughout the year.
You won't abandon your land despite the fear.

I have everything yet I still want more.
You just want peace, the end of this war.

Despite all this you are closer to Allah then I'll ever be.
So I am ashamed sister, ashamed for being me!

It's as if I am the dread
Of the curtains being lifted
It's as if I am speaking to the deaf
And awaiting an answer from the mute
It's as if I am being asked to
Shed tears for a pain I did not endure
A departure I did not see
Tell me does it make a difference
Whether I speak or remain silent?
Tell me
Do you ever miss me?
And if you do? Does it trouble you
Does the moon remind you that I too
Live under the same sky?
Does the dark make you think
That I dream of the light?

Curse me all you want
There's love in your hatred
You became so passionate with it
But never deny that I was mad about you
Not when all I've ever asked for
Was the safety of every breath you take
For this I would face Mecca
Raise my hands to Luna
Bow to Buddha
And be blessed by the priest
I would do it on auspicious days
According to the pundit
Every single time I would utter your name
In the only way I know how
From love blooming within
How your mere existence pleases me
I would always only gain happiness from yours

The autopsy will say

She lost herself

Amidst

Bored, lonely days

Physically

Psychologically

Emotionally

Everything changed

The autopsy will say

Instead of flourishing and growing

She moulded away

In a routine

Where most wouldn't stay

She lost her habits

Her food and drink

She lost her friends

Her smile and grin

She lost her style

The fit and flare

She lost her body

To swelling and despair

The autopsy will say

She suffocated

From

Dreaming and longing

But not fulfilling

The adventure

She craved

Autumn leaves
like peacock feathers
hypnotize and attract
bright and beautiful
colours merged together 
vibrant oranges of summers slowly fading
red warmth of fires fast approaching
pale and pretty green and yellows 
even boring brown adds to the picture
I want to walk under falling leaves 
that look like petals
of a secret flower 
adorning paths
for the wayfairing stranger 
dancing in the wind 
in merry greeting
all to welcome Autumn in

I've grown allergic to mornings
of absent welcomes
the ones where I come alive
conscious to your existence before my lids open
only to face a reality of you not being here

Your eyes
Every time I close mine
I see yours burning into me
Staring helplessly
Silently pleading
Asking the answers to unspoken questions
Its always the why's
I can't answer
You looked like I pulled a gun right to your head
Did you see the look in mine?
A rabbit in the headlights
Anything to avoid having that conversation
Surface pleasantries
Neither of us is feeling
How are you doing
Sorry I'm really busy
I have to go
But both of us knew
It was a lie
I wasn't really sorry
I hope you'll forgive me
It was nice to see you though
Back on your feet
I hope your happy
You should be

A worrier
The type that buries thoughts in silence
A warrior by your side
ever since

Those girls that we laughed at
The ones who acted like a ****
Skin caked in make-up
Dipped in powder

Umpa lumpa oranges
And Casper pale whites
Skin tight rags
Creasing into every crevice

All you know is that
He makes you smile
So you want him to stay for a while
But there's a thousand reasons to cry out

This is not a midnight stroll in paris
And I cherish you
So here is what I'll say
Hoping you would understand

I'm a worrier because of his past
And everything is moving too fast
There's a problem
And a lesson to be learnt

This is all you got
And everybody in love thinks its going well
So don't listen to a word I say
But the truth will bury this

Your changing who you are to please him
And he's after who you're not
Its a fun thing
So I'm telling you to leave it

Secret meetings
If its right then why do you have to hide it?
Looks to me like love is blinding
Flipped the switch and now you're riding

High with him
Hell bent on tainting
Turned your back to the past
I can see you changing

A regret in the making
Left you senseless
Not the worth the conversation
Can't you see why I'm anxious?

I don't want you hurting

I just realised it's been a year
A year since I started
Spilling my thoughts
Onto paper
Writing for nothings sake
Not an assignment
A task
Or a grocery list
These words
That people call poetry
It became an art
Like a love
Born from afar
Yet close to my heart
A passion
Overcome
That flows letters
In writing
In a form
Some think better
And are hesitant
To speak out loud
A silent pleasure
To your eyes
Its tone is uttered
Each reader
To their own
An interpretation
To be known
For you alone

There's another world in all the backspace
It's where the words tied by tongue reside
Fingers which threaten to reveal
Secrets that the eyes hide

That's why it checks read
And hours later comes the reply
Hopeful and hesitant
The heart still wants to try

Thumbs restrain
And backspace all the lines
Easier going back in time
Reluctant to go forward

To rock the boat
To chase the dream
Write your heart
And press send

Bad gateway
Blocked me out
Stood a barrier
No more it shouts

I can't access
Can't help but fret
All my secrets
It has kept

Hello poetry
Hello are you there
I tried again and again
All efforts in vain

I'm ready to read
To upload
And relieve
Bad gateway a dead end road

What does it mean
Will my poems
Ever again be seen?

The pounding on the door
Hammers in your heart
Each fist thumps to bruise the skin
Clipboard and red knuckles

Official uniform 
Stern face
Walkie talkie at the ready
To radio in his colleagues

He just wants to chat
But only you seem to know that
It will not be over
The sick feeling in your stomach

Rolling as a sixth sense
He starts making a scene
So you can't pretend you never heard it
As quick as a flash

Their eyes catch the twitch in the curtain
Can't hide, can't pretend, can't ignore
It ever happened
Never an action you so despised

As you opened that door
And let the flood in
Bad news
Had found you

Your eyes betray your smile
Trying to put on a brave face
And I can hear the whispering chant in your mind
Slip through those traitorous lips
Blurred words from grief or something else?
He's gone he's dead
The scent of freshly turned soil
Serves a reminder between us
I can see how you are well on your way to a black belt
In self-destruction
If I could
You know I would
But I can't make false promises 
That are broken before they are made
I can't tell white lies 
To bandage your pain
If I could 
I would stop my heart from beating
So yours would beat again
He may have left us
But my life testifies he took you too
You have complete right to this pain
As would any other in your place
But look around
At those who live through you
Those who you lived for too
Life may not ever be complete
Or merry once again
But it will only be bearable 
When you allow the warmth of a hand to be placed in yours

I slide my fingers
up my collarbone
trace them around the column of my neck
searching for the evidence
through the pulsing vein on my neck
just to be sure
my heart is still there
it's here
where it needs to be
I lay my palm against the left side of my chest
you're mine more than his
beat for me

Today was the third time
Someone mistook me for you
I watched as they blushed
In embarrassment
And apologised profusely
But I cannot describe
The sheer joy
I felt within my heart
As they compared me
To the beautiful you
You who always compare
Yourself to me
Want a skin tone like mine
Ask for my skin regime
And buys the same products as me
Your beautiful
You have elegance
And grace
Setting a standard for the rest

My bump
My blessing
A gift so divine
Sent by God, to be mine
I love you with my whole heart
You and me we're never apart
Before I even met you
I loved you more than words could say
Every single day
In every single way
With each flutter and kick
I dreamt a life
Of joy and cheer
Of teaching you right from wrong
Helping you grow up strong
I'll hold your hand, wipe your tears
I'll be with you through laughs and fears
The day finally came
I lay in a bed of emotions
Heavy and dense
I cried and screamed
I gasped and clenched
With one final tear and rip
Out you came, along with a river of blood
You lay on my chest
And my heart became a flood
I wept at how perfect you were
It was so intense
But too soon I was swept away
To be stitched back up
All trauma was kept at bay
After the birth, the joy and the pain
Came the aftermath, a whole new terrain
The body healing, the mind adjusting
To the role of motherhood, encompassing
We came home and life as a family began
You were the first
And I didn't have a clue or plan
The days were filled with highs and lows
And sometimes a climb
Finding my footing and figuring it out
Trying to feel whole again, without a doubt
I thought motherhood would be bliss
But instead, I feel like I've been dismissed
From the life I once knew
Leaving me feeling lost, confused
The weight of responsibility
Crushes me
Leaves me with anxiety
Some days I'm struggling
Feeling blue
But every day, I want the best for you
It's a transition
This postpartum life
One that takes time
And some inner strife
But it's worth it, oh how it is
To hold my sweet baby, and be his

Before you came
I never celebrated birthdays
and nothing was the same
never the rebel was I

In fact my life was pretty lame.
I hardly made plans
and days merged together
until the routine was mundane.

Then you waltzed in
and swept me under your tide,
took me along for the ride,
and eventually made me cry.

But before that happened,
You took my hand
dragged me along
and injected that much needed fun.

Its okay that you're not here anymore
because nothing lasts forever
and I knew that before you came.
From this belief you distracted me
and like a fool I forgot,
what a shame.

I spoke a lot before you,
You weren’t my first words.
I wrote a lot before you,
You weren’t my first poems.
I read a lot before you,
You weren’t my first story.
I bled a lot before you,
You weren’t my first wound.
Many were interested before you,
You weren't the first in line.
The difference between you and those who came before you,
Is that I was their death,
And you were mine

Head bowed
Arms held out
Fill my lap
I refuse to leave empty handed from this world
**** the pain that wanders in my dreams
Wipe the tears that threaten to spill
You know all my secrets
You read my soul before I bared it
I am a believer
Treat me so
Imperfectly perfect
I detect my defects
Would you conceal them for me

She dreamt of sunken people who spoke of hope
And iron hearts who bled empathy
Hunger that fed on peace
War which longed to unite with life
Immortal ethics set in practice
Children who never escaped childhood
Flowers that refused to die
And love which was incapable of lies
She dreamt of dreams coming true
But awoke to a full blown strife
Still she believed with all her might

In the vehicle of imagination she travelled the world and beyond
And when life knocked her down
She rolled over and bathed in the light of the stars
She lived in a bubble
And breathed in a child like resilience
Unaware of the troubles she refused to believe in
Luck was embroidered into her back
Adventure became the wings
Her face a picture of naive innocence
She clapped when she was happy
To the tune of laughter
I always thought it was because
It made her feel alive by believing in herself
You know like Tinkerbell the fairy

I have found old letters
Burnt like a lamp
Burns oil
Only to get lost in these memories
Oh insane mind of mine
Where love and hurt
Went hand in hand
Getting lost in the crowd
Of coincidences
Re-surfaced dreams
Of one more chances
For you whom I find excuses
Console myself
Only to leave us
At best wishes

Somewhere between the lines
Of the 21st century
And some other time
Religion became an inheritance

And God became bound
In churches, mosques and temples
A somehow secret affiliation
In the workplace He was not allowed

Embarrassment infiltrated friendship circles
And God was rarely mentioned
People celebrated Christmas
But Christ was not believed in

We sided with experiments
And political histories
Derived morals from sci-fi fantasies
Our role models became Miley

But what of the Mary's
Magdalene, Bethany and mother of Jesus
We would rather believe in faeries
And be unfaithful to the one who made us

Faith is you
And religion is an identity
It's everything you stand for
And all that you believe in

God is at high school He's at college
Bring the belief in your heart upon these lips
Where prayers can be established
Beyond a parish

So keep company with those
Who come to congregation
Beyond the house of God
And incorporate bible lessons in conversations

For surely Angels surround
And embrace you in a divine
Blinding light
That will guide you away from anything but right

Once I went to a place
Where the sky was azure
And the water a turquoise jewel
Botanical trees so lush and green
A calming breeze soothed across the skin
Like a blanket of peace
And I wondered if this is on Earth
A landscape of this world
Then what must paradise be like?
It is said to be beyond what anyone can imagine
Dear Almighty
Let heaven not forsake me
Let it not forbid me
Nor spit me out
Reject me after the trials of my life are over
Let me not reach the end of this tunnel
To never enter the light
It is You who knows best my Lord
For if heaven was easy to enter
There would be littered bodies
Of willing sacrifice
To sit along the rivers of wine
And enjoy eternal youth and beauty
Where there is no thirst nor hunger
To be amongst the company of Angels
And the best of nations, tribes, people and tongues
Standing before Thy throne
Where Messiahs have awaited
Enjoying eternal salvation

This is how it rolls
The young one's are the first to go
Innocent
Lifted before they live

Souls destined for paradise
Beautiful
Fairies and Angels on loan
Some fly before they are born

Shadows in photographs
Linger
Limited by time
Whisper soft love

Baby scents
And the ghost warming your lap
Tiny hands
Curled around your finger

Hold on tight
You were never meant to have her
She's a gift that'll be returned
Leaving us all to mourn

But rejoice that
Even just for that moment
She was yours
You were a mother

The best that could be
And you loved her
More than anyone could see
But God needed his cherub

More than you and me
Barely there
Dreams
Of what could have been

Hold on tight
Let the light she lit
Grow
Let it spread

The bittersweet perfection
Of how she enchanted
And the goodnight kiss
You pressed against her forehead

Now she's just something
We ain't got
Our favourite person
Who's not where we are

All we want is what we had
But she's moved on
And we'd trade it all to get her back
But she's happy where she's at

His dark majestic fur demanded attention
Each muscle contracted and rippled
As he strutted across the track
Onlookers mesmerised at the power he possessed
A temptation to run
Free and wild
Owning the earth
As each hoove struck the soil
A thunderous rumble echoed beneath him
Mighty and loud
Head held tall and proud
Eyes staring straight ahead
A mission in mind
A goal in sight
Black silky hair billowing in the wind
Lashing against his skin in waves
And there I stood
Transfixed
Gazing
At the black beauty
With so much life

I woke up early morning
To a tapping on my window
A blue bird sitting on the sill
Asked what I was doing

Oh hey there lil bird
I'm spreading butter with a spoon
But keep it between me and you
There's a few other crazy things I do too

Like taking moon beams that I find on my floor
And putting them all in a jar
I'm saving them for something special
But as of yet I'm not really sure

I hug trees
And chase rainbows
Trace smiley faces in fogged up windows
I even glue googly eyes on my kettle and toaster so I don't feel alone

Tell me lil bird
I've always wondered
Are there creatures with wings
Scared to fly
Afraid of heights

And if there are do they go to social events
Like birds of a feather do
If they walk and don't fly
do they have to wait in a line
At the buffet for their food

Tell me of furry etiquettes and norms
Are you bound by rules
Of the kingdom of birds
Or are blue birds blue bloods

We had quite the conversation going on
My little tapping blue bird and me
That's when I opened the window spread my arms
and we were both gone
Flying away into the free

She resided in smiles that were her strength
And wore love like protection
She spoke to heartbeats
In the language of dreams
Her eyes reached silences that dealt in prayers
She is whom poets borrow their words from

Crazy never looks good on anyone
Especially us
We are chaos
And you are poison
Inside me like a disease
Yet still your laugh awakens my soul
Darling there are two hearts on the floor
One is mine
And *both are yours

Life is about taking breaths
But the most important times
Are when it is taken away
And all that haunts a displaced child
Is when their breath was lost then found again
From the moment a 3 minute warning is given
Where does one evacuate to
When already in a shelter
As bombs blast
And shots echoe in the near distance
When the ground shakes in pain
There is no time to think
No time to act as shrapnel came flying
To pierce their skin
And homes collapsed
Walls caved in
Only to harden their resolve
All out of tears
They no longer fall
When they get used to the pain
They recite the martyred like a grocery list
Mum
Dad
Brothers
Sisters
Aunties
Cousins
Uncles 
Friends
But­ the souls of lost ones are trapped in little hearts
Caged in past dreams
Where Fatima still comes to play with Aisha in the courtyard
Even with her head twisted off by the guards
Tariq and Abdul play marbles with charred fingers
Maha clings onto yesterdays that can never be the same
Where her father's farm was ripe 
And days were spent out in the field
A child sees a child does
So they accept they were born to die
And pick up a stone to fight
At least they must try to protect themselves
Even animals reserve that right
It's instinct
Basic defensive nature and survival needs
Yet the world condemns them
Serpents that bare snakes
They are terrorists in the making
As curses cry out from anger and hatred
A crime to be born in the middle east
The gates and borders of surrounding countries
Closed for their emergency
Where the only place to go is through the doors of heaven
Which are wide open
And in this case is it cruel of me to say
Maybe it is a better option
Than to live and die a thousand times over 
Mentally disturbed 
Overwhelmed with distrust
All that will be left are robots
That have nothing to lose
Time that should be spent in school
Is a time that will never come back
And everyday is a chance lost
Scars that will never be overcome
Eyes that have seen too much
These angels don't belong here

Let the graves of the unfaithful be full
Let the Earth be heavy with the deceitful
Why should I relieve this burden?

As dawn faded to dusk
I watched shadows
Slide under the walls
Leaving me completely alone
And the moon forlornly
Gazed down                    
To where its golden light
Failed to shine
So I found solace in the rain
That raced down to greet me
Drowning out
The noise of my thumping heart
That pumped faster
In spite of the pain
Threatening to overspill
Or maybe it did
That's why the moon
Became blood red
And despite being full
It too
Was empty
Hollow like a burning lantern
Just like me •

I shout your name in the dark void of my mind
It sung back the names of the dead
My tongue tastes like shame
I wish I could be who I was
When the days began with your smiles
And the nights ended with your breath
But my heart is a mess

Even if I don't say it anymore
By God I love you
And your arms are my home
I can't look at your dark eyes
Without being mesmerised
My favourite almonds
Forever I wish to be reflected in them
By God I love you
And he bears witness to my soul
I think back to when I met you
And the honey of your eyes
It is inevitable to fall for you
Every single time
For they are my favourite poem
By God I love you

Amen for the chocolate cake that melts and oozes gooey goodness in the warm custard
Amen for the rich taste of the moist soft sponge
Amen for birthdays and anniversary's
And all the excuses
Amen for the most enticing smell
Amen to not resisting temptations
Amen to diets meant to be broken
Amen for powerful combinations
Like cake and ice cream
Cake and custard
Cake and coffee
Cake and tea
Amen to icing and buttercream

Amen for cake

Stand in darkness 
With your back towards the light 
Chase shadows on the wall
Ignorant of the thorns

Bear the stinging ****** 
And be grateful you were born
Crooked smile
Wind at your back

Edge of nothing 
Falling in the abyss of tomorrow
Where is the treasure 
And the map to find it

Scatter and crash
But get right back to it 
Dig your own wishing well
Call the shots

But remember to fall on your knees
At least every once in a while 
Cos even the high you're on 
Is at the mercy of God 

Without which not a whisper 
Is heard or a sound created 
A leaf shall not rustle
Without the permission of it's creator

Like a caterpillar cocooned
You shall too
Hatch out your shell
And I want to be there
As you heart furiously
Pumps blood
To watch you as your
Tightly enclosed wings
Come to life
Right before my very eyes
Balanced on the ledge
As you fall
And take flight
Soar higher than imagined
And then a thousand
Of my what if's shall be answered
And you will be the only grain of truth
I have left
No more will you
Hoarsely whisper
Hayfever
In answer to my un-asked question
As the corner of your eyes glistens
With wetness