i used to believe only ghosts of previous lives haunted
but ive since learned
im haunted by the absence of your presence
like the clothes we never wore when together
im haunted by your old lighter i found under my bed last week
memories of fire and hidden cigarettes
the way you last tossed the half-empty lighter under my bed
when suspicious eyes came about,
like the look you gave me when the pills ran out sooner
when one morning it sat on the kitchen counter
and the next morning on the coffee table
im haunted by the stain of coffee on the carpet
your cup was overflowing
just like the bathtub at the end of january
by the time i got to the bathroom
the water had gone cold just like the pool on the warmest days of fall
warm like the alcohol we snuck last summer
beers that sat out in the sun
***** that burned our throats
lighters that burned our skin the first couple of times
the first couple of times we kissed
new,
passionate,
evocative.
evocative like the blue tablets i continued to take
after the "they're bad for you"s
and the "i'm not stupid"s
and the "please stop"s
the worst thing ive ever done
was ignored your pleas
because now you're gone, now im numb
i stopped the pill popping at the end of january
when the bathtub overflowed
and i was too late
the withdrawals are worse than i imagined
but nothing in the universe could ever be worse
than the haunting i feel
from the absence of your presence.