nothing quite as sad as realizing you were in love alone
realizing you were hoping for things, alone.

falling for you
is like wishing for rain on a sunny day

You’re always telling me life is sadness
the world is hard
we are bound to suffer.

I’d like to hold and kiss you
Make it slightly better
Prove you wrong.

The night is quiet and I just want you to know,
I love you
Without expectations or hopes
Just that I love you

this thing between us reminds me of silence
once something is said, it’ll no longer exist

I see two hummingbirds
Sweetly dancing together in the air
I wonder if they know what sadness is
That their joy is temporary

it feels like I’m stuck in fast forward
like I can’t breathe
like everything is brighter
and louder
I can’t focus
I can’t imagine a time I don’t feel this way
I don’t feel like me

I can’t stop the words from leaving my lips
but at the same time I can’t find the right words to say.

you set something in me on fire
is it ***?
is it my soul?
is it my heart?

unsure, but I like it.

when I’m filled by you,
I feel significantly less empty.
when I lay with you,
I feel significantly less alone.

I used to kneel in church,
Bowed my head in reverence.
I can’t convince myself to believe anymore.
I wish I could.
I wonder if I’m searching for meaning elsewhere.
Maybe in myself.
I want others to kneel with me,
Bow their heads in reverence.

I broke and ended up initiating plans
It’s wise to not share space alone
Inside four walls, I wander
Almost forget who I am and
Run to the arms of another
I wonder if there will be a day
when you don’t cross my mind?

it is tiring
fighting the urge to grab your hand
seeing the curve of your sweet mouth and not being able to meet it with mine

I find myself not wanting to say goodbye.
Looking for ways to stay longer.
I can’t remember the last time I felt something just from fingers briefly touching.
I think I’d pass out if we shared anything more.

in those moments before you close your eyes and drift to sleep?
when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal?
when you wash behind your knees in the shower?
when you button your shirt up to the collar?
when you quietly come?

I hope you do.

I want to wrap myself up in you
Get lost in your body and have you get lost in mine.

noun
“things that exist or are used or enjoyed for only a short time”

or in other words,

me.

deleted implies that my words to you still exist somewhere.
found hidden between the white lies and rough drafts.
but to say that I’m erased from your thoughts,
that means persistent friction was applied to remove me.
that my feelings for you are gone.

I see the world with such admiration and wonder. Imagine if I could save just a fraction of that love for myself?

do you think of me?
in your wet dreams while you sleep?
you appear in mine.

I wonder if you are watching me as intently as I’m watching you.
Your hands fidgeting.
I fight not to stop them
with mine.
We can hardly match eyes,
worried that it might stir too much.
Worried that we might ruin what we have with something more.

I cannot understand why two halves make a whole. Yet, you and I don’t.

I cannot understand my cat wants kisses immediately after breaking my skin.

I cannot understand why I’m here and not falling down a hill.

I cannot understand why I have all the ingredients to make happiness yet it evades me.

Than strangers that were once lovers.

I don’t need sweet nothings whispered to me.
Or grand gestures and gifts.

I just need to hear three little words.
If you catch my drift.

but I remind myself
You’re not mine
Never was
What’s really slipping away
Is the possibility of us

the minute i leave you

I could be yours
you could be mine

Thinking someday I will cease to exist
A part of me wants to live forever
In the cloud
In your synapses
In your arms

I’m just aware it won’t happen now

it’s heartbreaking,
nothing is permanent.

on the bright side,
nothing is permanent

that there are so many people who love each other but are too afraid to say something or make a move
that all that potential energy goes to waste
when it could become something much more

to find what you weren’t even looking for.
I wonder if it’s rare, what we have.
no missed beats.
just a mutual agreement to leave things unsaid.

how long until I find another that will crack  me right open?

If your pupils dilate when you see me.
If your palms get sweaty, your heart race increases.
Your smile breaks me right open.
I can’t stop staring at your mouth,
I can’t stop imagining your arms around me.

What was the last thing I said to you before we went back to being strangers?

I would write you handwritten love letters
Sing to you endless songs
Have your head rest on my chest
Wrap my legs around yours

Let you kiss my forehead
Move a strand of hair behind my ear
Kiss you soft
Then hard
Then soft again

Let you hold me too
Place my hand on your cheek
Look into your eyes
Kiss you softly

And then stop there.

don’t respond too soon
don’t dig deeper
don’t let yourself feel anything more

I want you.
To whisper my name.
To run your fingers through my hair.
To kiss the nape of my neck.
To lick me off your lips.

To allow me to live in your thoughts forever.

it’s not flashy and loud
it comes in like thunder
unexpected
but when it arrives
it can’t be ignored

You have me off-kilter
I can’t wait to see you
I long to be alone with you
I know I’m playing with fire
I want to burn

i feel like i know you and we've only just met.
i want to dive in deeper,
i want to let you see the dark and sad places in me.
to let you see the bright and shiny places too.

sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to lie with another.

would I smell different?
would I breathe different?
would I sound different?
would I taste different?
would I feel different?

I only sometimes wonder though.

It has been building up
I knew it would have to come out eventually
But I said too much and I see that now.

0 days since my feelings went away.

it's difficult to complain to you about anything
i didn't have to leave my country behind
i don't know what it's like to be hungry
i didn't start in a new country, where i didn't speak the language, all by myself at 14

but i know i also struggle
that my pain is real too
i wish we could share our pain and grow together in it

but i can't talk about it
to most people, never mind you
maybe i'm scared that my problems aren't big enough
or maybe i'm scared that saying them out loud confirms what i already know
that i'm broken

we look at each other like we are just about to kiss.
we look at each other like we see ourselves.