your fingers, my mouth
I press my *** against you
an invitation

felt like a high school daydream
you pointed out constellations,
but the wind hurt my face and I just wanted to wrap myself in you
On the swings, I asked you to push me
claiming I wanted help building momentum
but it was an excuse to be touched by you
I am shameless
I am sad
my mind is beautiful and soft and hopes that you feel as anxious and dizzy around me as I do around you.

it’s becoming overwhelmingly clear that it’s all in my head
I’ve always had an active imagination and often dream of feelings that do not exist

from feeling so much it felt like I’d burst
to feeling almost nothing at all

that I love you?
I know it’s not practical or fair.
That our love could never break the surface.
That it’s roots be doomed to grow underground.
Hidden.

this is different
it is special
it is complicated
it’s not all in my head

of not being anything more
of you making me full body laugh
of me suppressing all the things I want to say
of me fighting what my body wants to do

I can tell from personal experience
that type of love isn’t sustainable.
you can’t get lost in someone that deeply and still keep yourself.

it's just my body releasing too much dopamine
I can't sleep after seeing you
I can't think straight
but love isn't one sided
or it shouldn't be
it's an active choice
and this doesn't feel like that
it feels like losing control

an ocean exists between us
vast, deep and full of life
dangerous, thrilling and beautiful
am I willing to risk it all to cross it?

the words that wish to come out of my mouth
are slowly being held back by logic
my body aches wanting your kiss
it aches to feel the warmth of your hand

You told me that you wish that you felt something for anything or anyone.
I wish you’d feel everything for me.

it hurts me to see you in pain
i want to comfort you
softly and inappropriately

I want to get lost in something.
Forget where I am, forget how I’m supposed to be.
I want to get knocked over by waves.
I want to be drenched in the rain.
I want to feel it all but nothing at all.
I want to be insignificant.

how many times have I tried to text you “I love you”, just to erase it before pressing send? too many times to count.

I wish I could hold your body up against mine.
For longer than 5 seconds.
Long enough that I could breathe you in.
That I could feel your body react to mine.

I wish I could stare into your eyes and not have us look away.
I wish so many other things but most wishes don’t come true.

I vibrate at a different frequency
It lingers for hours after
I’m dizzy with want

you live there now
taken up real estate
built a home there
welcome

and I’d rather be on the tip of yours.

my mouth, lucky to repeat it.

in the cold light of day
I looked for my socks and clothes
removed quickly amidst the passion
I shouldn’t have come
But I did.

I’m the sun that brings warmth
That makes you feel alive

But I feel nothing from that

I want to be a black hole
Unknown, unpredictable
To matter